Twilight's Possession - Everlasting Hunger Part 16

And yet, she was miserable.

Days pa.s.sed. Weeks. It had been just shy of two months now since she'd left Tryphon and Bale's house. Still, she couldn't stop thinking about them. Dreaming about them. It didn't help that Liz seemed to be making a habit of leaving copies of newspapers with their names featured on the front pages strewn about the apartment. What was her devious roommate trying to do-drive her crazy?

She'd been so sure that she would have gotten over them by now. After all, it had only been one week. One intense week. Of mostly intense s.e.x. But still, only one.

Right?

She hadn't fallen in love. No one fell in love after only a week, especially not her.

"Admit it." Liz slumped onto the couch, kicked off her shoes and threw an arm over Raine's shoulder. "You love them."

"No. It's not love," she stated, skimming today's front page.

Billionaire playboy denies paternity of love child.

Liz gave her a martyred glare and sighed. "Are you that stubborn? n.o.body could be that out of touch with her emotions."

"I'm not out of touch. I know exactly what I'm feeling." She tossed the paper onto the coffee table. It landed on top of a towering heap of others, featuring headlines about Tryphon Zade. "What do you know, anyway? You're not a shrink."

"Maybe I don't have a piece of paper to hang on the wall, but I'm perceptive. Plus I can see what you don't want to. Here, Dr. Liz'll list the symptoms. First, you've lost at least ten pounds since coming home."

"That's a good thing."

"You're not on a diet, are you?"

"No, not exactly, but-"

"Uh huh." Liz nodded, lifting an index finger. "Involuntary weight loss is a sign of depression-"

"Among other things."

"Would you seriously prefer the cause to be one of those 'other things'?"

Raine considered her point. "No."

Liz raised her middle finger, adding it to the erect index finger. "Second, you have been living like a hermit since coming home. You haven't accepted my offers to go out to the bar, the movies. h.e.l.l, you've even missed the last two book club meetings. You never missed one before."

"I'm just not in the mood to read right now. I don't have time."

"Oh yes. You're soooo busy these days. Not buying it. Could that be because the book club reads romance novels? And reading about someone else falling in love is painful?"

"No."

Liz lifted her ring finger. "Third, you've been hovering over the phone. Expecting a call?"

"No."

"Anxious to talk to a mortgage sales rep who wants to help you refinance the house you don't own? Or maybe the salesman who wants to sell you an extended warranty for a car you've never purchased?"

Raine didn't bother responding.

"Let's see...plus you've been sleeping a lot more than normal." Liz raised her pinky finger. "That's four signs."

Raine's dark mood brightened a tiny bit. "That one is easy. I just started a new job, and you know how stressful that is. I'm tired."

Liz grunted. "That's only semi-believable, but I'll give it to you." She dropped her hand and stared at Raine for several long moments. "But there's one final sign, and this one you can't explain away. I caught you crying the other night."

"That's because I was watching t.i.tanic."

Liz's eyes narrowed to slits. "You've watched that movie a bazillion times. You never cried before." They stared at each other for several long moments. "Why don't you call them?"

"Because there's no point."

"Because...?"

"We've talked about this."

Liz shook her head. "No, we haven't talked about anything. I've asked questions and you've dodged them." She grabbed Raine's hand, gave it a soft tug. "Honey, I'm not trying to pry. I'm seriously worried about you. What happened that week? If you're not depressed because you miss those guys, then you're suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder or something. Please, please tell me what's going on. I'm going crazy with worry."

s.h.i.t.

Raine heaved a sigh. "You have nothing to worry about. I'm just feeling a little...confused right now. It's nothing serious, and I'm sure I'll be feeling better soon."

"Confused about what?"

"About a lot of things."

"Like?" When Raine didn't elaborate, Liz added, "We used to talk about everything. Guys. s.e.x. Our families. Work. Now, all of a sudden, you're shutting me out. Are you confused about me? Our friendship?"

Not everything. Raine hugged a throw pillow to her chest. "No, no. Not at all. I know you care and I know I can trust you." She dropped her chin onto the upper edge of the pillow.

"Then why are you keeping everything bottled up?"

"Because...I don't know how to talk about it. I don't know where to begin."

"How about starting on the day they came to pick you up? Please, Raine."

"Okay." Reluctantly, Raine rehashed the entire week, holding nothing back. She told Liz about Tryphon trying to make her submit, the original agreement they struck with her, the highlights of her s.e.x with them. She also told Liz about their claim to have some kind of physical ailment that she could cure. She didn't elaborate on Bale's later explanation. And finally, ended with their offer to keep things going after the week was over.

At the end, Liz sat silent for several tense moments, visibly deep in thought. "I still think you've fallen in love with them."

"No. After only one week?"

Liz tucked her hair behind her ears. "Sure. People can develop very intense emotions in a short time if the situation is intense."

Raine shook her head.

"What's wrong? It's so clear you fell in love..." Liz stood, headed toward the kitchen. "Want a snack?"

"No thanks."

Liz returned a few minutes later with a bowl filled to capacity with chips and a carton of French onion dip. "I've got it. You don't want to be in love. Why?" She set the bowl of chips on the coffee table, pried the lid off the dip, then plucked up a chip and dunked it into the creamy white substance. "Now that I think about it, you've always picked guys who were emotionally un.o.btainable-men who couldn't or wouldn't get into a serious, loving, committed relationship. Why hadn't I recognized that before?" She popped the loaded chip into her mouth.

"Uncommitted. That was exactly what I thought these two were all about too. They love each other. They're gay-"

"Bi," Liz corrected, adding another chip to her mouth.

"Whatever. In the beginning, Bale told me they weren't looking for anything more than s.e.x. And I could handle that."

Liz nodded. "But you can't handle love."

"No."

"Again, why?" Liz dunked another chip and ate it. "Quit dodging my question and just answer. I think you need to hear the response as much as I do. h.e.l.l, maybe it'll help you get through this, saying the words aloud."

Could it be that simple?

Raine swallowed, even though her mouth was as dry as the Sahara. "Because love...because I..." She dropped her head into her hands.

"What, sweetie?" Liz put a hand on Raine's shoulder.

"Because I always disappoint the ones I love and then they don't love me anymore."

"Oh, honey."

There was yet another tense moment of silence where Raine silently chastised herself for saying such a stupid thing, even if it was true. Liz wouldn't understand. Which meant she'd either call her an idiot or tell her she was just making more excuses.

"You haven't disappointed me," Liz said softly. "And I still love you."

"You're the only one. Everyone else has."

"Everyone? Who?"

"Family. My father. Stepmother. Brother."

Liz tipped her head, giving her a sad look. "Okay, but our friendship, our love, shows it's possible for you to have a relationship that does succeed. Right?"

"Sure. One in how many?"

"I can understand you're afraid."

Raine glanced down, toying with the pillow's silky fringe. "It's not that I'm scared. I would rather avoid the pain. You know what I mean?"

"But if everyone lived that way, playing things safe in all ways, where would we be?"

Raine shrugged.

"Do you think there's any happiness in life that doesn't involve risk?"

"I take risks. Plenty. Look at what I did. I went and stayed with two bis.e.xual men for a week. At least one of them has a reputation for being involved in some rather shady happenings. Risky." This time it was Raine's turn to count things off on her fingers. "Second, I accepted a job offer knowing nothing about the company or my boss. Risky. Third, I have struggled, without accepting any financial help from my father. Risky. There. Three major risks. I just play things safe when it comes to emotions. I'm not the only one." She gave her friend a knowing look. "I'm not trying to be a b.i.t.c.h, but I don't see you venturing out much lately either. The last relationship you had was with a married pilot. Married. Pilot. Talk about unavailable. He lived where? Utah?"

"Idaho."

"Doesn't matter. The point is, he isn't exactly obtainable. In fact, I'd say you're doing the same thing I am-avoiding entanglements that are most likely doomed from the start." She was on a roll now. Energy building as she drove her point home. "Look at the divorce rate. Half of all marriages end in divorce. And those relationships are the ones that actually made it that far. How many more end long before that? Love is for the insane or m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic. It's not for me. And so I choose not to fall in love."

Eyebrows drawn, Liz frowned. "You can't choose to feel an emotion...or not, as the case may be."

"Oh, I most definitely can. I think people can-and do-sometimes decide to feel specific emotions in certain situations. Anger. Hatred. Anxiety. Fear. People sometimes fuel their anger or quench it. Same with those other feelings. Look at fear, how some conquer it by doing the very things they fear the most. But beside that fact, love isn't a feeling. It's a decision, based upon thoughts, feelings and needs."

"Where'd you get that?" Scowling Liz shook her head.

"I made it up. Kinda. It came to me after hearing this Christian guy talk about marriage on the radio, and his words made sense. Love is a decision to be with someone, to stand by their side through everything, to sacrifice yourself, needs, wants, wishes. And that decision is based upon your thoughts about that person, your emotions and needs. Get it?"

Looking a little less confused, Liz nodded. "Actually, I do." She dug into the chips again.

"So, I've decided I won't love Tryphon Zade and Bale Kincaid."

"Despite your feelings."

Raine smiled and helped herself to a chip. "Exactly. My feelings aren't love. They're just emotions...chemical reactions."

"Makes sense." Liz pushed the bowl closer to Raine. "But it can't be painless, this decision of yours."

"Yeah, well I figure in the long run, I'll suffer a whole lot less going this route."

For several blissful moments, they ate in silence, the room filling with the sounds of crunching chips. But then Liz sighed. "I'm still sad for you. If only you had a magic crystal ball, to see the future. I mean, what if these two guys were like me? What if this was the one relationship you were destined to have, the one that would have lasted your whole life?"

Shocked by her friend's statement, Raine gave Liz a questioning glance. "Destined? You believe in destiny? I never would've guessed that about you."

Her mouth full, Liz shrugged. "Maybe I'm more of a romantic than you thought," she said, wiping a small glob of white dip from her lip with a finger.

"Yeah. Maybe. That's okay. I still love you." Chuckling, Raine gave her friend a hug. "So, now that we've cleared the air, will you please let go of this thing with Tryphon and Bale? It's over. I'm a little sad, but I'll eventually start feeling better about my decision."

"I still wonder if you're making a mistake with these two."

"This coming from the woman who used to call them murderers?"

"I'm wondering if they aren't simply misunderstood." Liz stood, headed for the kitchen. "I'm starving and this isn't cutting it. Wanna go get something to eat?"

"I don't know. I'm not very hungry. Speaking of headlines, is it my imagination, or are you intentionally leaving those newspapers sitting around where I'll see them?"

"Thai?" Liz asked, clearly avoiding her question.

"No, not in the mood. Now, how about answering my question?"

Liz wrinkled her nose. "Pizza? Or maybe Chinese? Oh, there's that new Mexican place that just opened up." When Raine still didn't respond, she scoured the stack of takeout menus sitting on their kitchen counter. "I know! How about a big, sloppy burger with onion rings and a chocolate milkshake? And I promise I'll answer your question. But only if you go with me."

Raine sighed. "Okay. Fine. Burgers, it is, my annoying, manipulative friend."