Twelve Red Herrings Part 14

"It's broken down three times in the last month, and it smells like a kennel."

"Henry Bendall has a Rolls-Royce," said Ted. "We'll just have to commandeer that."

"As long as no one tells Mounthatten that it's owned by the local undertaker, and what it was used for the morning before he arrived."

"Mick Flaherty also has an old Rolls," piped up Charles. "A Silver Shadow, if I remember correctly."

"But he loathes the British," said Hazel."Agreed," said Ted, 'but he'll still want to have dinner at Government House when he discovers the guest of honour is a member of the Royal Family."

"Dinner?" said Hazel, her voice rising in horror.

"Of course we will have to give a dinner in his honour,"

said Ted.

"And, worse, everyone who is anyone will expect to be invited. How many can the dining room hold?" He and Hazel turned to the private secretary.

"Sixty if pushed," replied Charles, looking up from his notes.

"We're pushed," said Ted.

"We certainly are," said Hazel. "Because we don't have sixty plates, let alone sixty coffee cups, sixty teaspoons, sixty ... ' "We still have that Royal Worcester service presented by the late King after his visit in 947," said Ted. "How many pieces of that are fit for use?"

"Enough for about fourteen settings, at the last count,"

said Hazel.

"Right, then that's dealt with how many people will be at the top table."

"What about the menu?" asked Charles.

"And, more important, who is going to cook it?" added Ted."We'll have to ask Dotty Cuthbert if she can spare Mrs.

Travis for the evening," said Hazel. "No one on the island is a better cook. '

"And we'll also need her butler, not to mention the rest of her staff,'

added Ted.

By now Charles was onto his third page.

"You'd better deal with Lady Cuthbert, my dear," said Ted.

"VII try to square Mick Flaherty."

"Our next problem will be the drink,'

said Hazel. "Don't forget, the last Governor emptied the cellar a few days before he left."

"And the Foreign Office refuses to restock it,'

Ted reminded her. "Jonathan Fletcher has the best cellar on the island ... ' "And, G.o.d bless him, he won't expect to be at the top table,'

said Hazel.

"If we're limited to fourteen places, the top table's looking awfully crowded already," said Ted.

"Dotty Cuthbert, the Bendalls, the Flahertys, the Hodges,"

said Hazel, writing down the names. "Not to mention the Prime Minister, the Chief Justice, the Mayor, the Chief of Police, plus their wives ...

Let's hope that some of them are indisposed or abroad."

She was beginning to sound desperate.

"Where's he going to sleep?" asked Charles innocently.

"G.o.d, I hadn't thought of him sleeping," said Ted."He'll have to take our bedroom. It's the only one with a bed that doesn't sink in the middle," said Hazel.

"We'll move into the Nelson Room for the night, and suffer those dreadful woodwormed beds and their ancient horsehair mattresses. '

"Agreed," said Hazel. "I'll make sure all our things are out of the Queen Victoria Room by this evening."

"And, Charles," said the Governor, 'phone the Foreign Office, would you, and find out Mounthatten's likes and dislikes. Food, drink, eccentric habits anything you can discover. They're sure to have a file on him, and this is one gentleman I don't want to catch me out." The private secretary turned over yet another page of ':26-' his pad, and continued scribbling.

For the next hour, the three of them went over any and every problem that might arise during the visit, and after a self-made sandwich lunch, departed in their different directions to spend the afternoon making begging calls all round the island.

It was Charles's idea that the Governor should appear on the local television station's early-evening news programme, to let the citizens know that a member of the Royal Family would be visiting the island the following day. Sir Ted ended his broadcast by saying that he hoped as many people as possible would be at the airport to welcome 'the great war leader' when his plane touched down at four thefollowing afternoon.

While Hazel spent the evening cleaning every room that the great war leader might conceivably enter, Charles, with the aid of a torch, tended to the flowerbeds that lined the driveway, and Ted supervised the shuttling of plates, cutlery, food and wine from different parts of the island to Government House.

"Now, what have we forgotten?" said Ted, as he climbed into bed at two o'clock that morning.

"Heaven only knows," Hazel said wearily before turning out the light. "But whatever it is, let's hope Mounthatten never finds out.'

The Governor, dressed in his summer uniform, with gold piping down the sides of his white trousers, decorations and campaign medals across his chest, and a Wolsey helmet with a plume of red-over-white swan's feathers on his head, walked out onto the landing to join his wife.

Hazel was wearing the green summer frock she had bought for the Governor's garden party two years before, and was checking the flowers in the entrance hall.

"Too late for that," said Ted, as she rearranged a sprig that had strayed half an inch. "It's time we left for the airport."

They descended the steps of Government House to find two Rolls-Royces, one black, one white, and their old Rover standing in line.

Charles followed closely behind them, carrying the red carpet,which he dropped into the boot of the Rover as his master stepped into the back of the leading Rolls-Royce.

The first thing the Governor needed to check was the chauffeur's name.

"Bill Simmons," he was informed.

"All you have to remember, Bill, is to look as if you've been doing this job all your life."

"Right, Guv."

"No," said Ted firmly.

"In front of the Admiral, you must address me as "Your Excellency", and Lord Mounthatten as "My Lord". If in any doubt, say nothing."

"Right, Guv, Your Excellency." Bill started up the car and drove towards the gates at what he evidently considered was a stately pace, before turning right and taking the road to the airport. When they reached the terminal fifteen minutes later a policeman ushered the tiny motorcade out onto the tarmac, where the combined bands were playing a medley from West Side Story - at least, that was what Ted charitably thought it might be.

As he stepped out of the car Ted came face to face with three ranks of soldiers from the Territorial Army standing at ease, sixty-one of them, aged from seventeen to seventy. Ted had to admit that although they weren't the Grenadier Guards, they weren't"Dad's Army'

either. And they had two advantages: a real-live Colonel in full dress uniform, and a genuine Sergeant Major, with a voice to match.

Charles had already begun rolling out the red carpet when the Governor turned his attention to the hastily-erected barriers, where he was delighted to see a larger crowd than he had ever witnessed on the island, even at the annual football derby between Suffolk and Edward Island.

Many of the islanders were waving Union Jacks, and some were holding up pictures of the Queen. Ted smiled and checked his watch.

The plane was due in seventeen minutes.

The Prime Minister, the local Mayor, the Chief Justice, the Commissioner of Police and their wives were lining up at the end of the red carpet. The sun beat down from a cloudless sky. As Ted turned in a slow circle to take in the scene, he could see for himself that everyone had made a special effort.

Suddenly the sound of engines could be heard, and the crowd began to cheer. Ted looked up, shielded his eyes, and saw an Andover of the Queen's Flight descending towards the airport.

It touched down on the far end of the runway at three minutes before the hour, and taxied up to the red carpet as four chimes struck on the clock above the flight control tower.

The door of the plane opened, and there stood Admiral ofthe Fleet the Earl Mounthatten of Burma, KG, PC, GCN, old, gcsi, GCIE, GCVO, OSO, Fts, rcr (Hon), try (Hon), attired in the full dress uniform of an Admiral of the Fleet (summer wear).

"If that's what he means by "fairly informal", I suppose we should be thankful that he didn't ask us to lay on an official visit,'

murmured Hazel as she and Ted walked to the bottom of the steps that had been quickly wheeled into place.

As Mounthatten slowly descended the stairway, the crowd cheered even louder. Once he stepped onto the red carpet the Governor took a pace forward, removed his plumed hat, and bowed. The Admiral saluted, and at that moment the combined bands of town and police struck up the national anthem. The crowd sang "G.o.d Save the Queen' so l.u.s.tily that the occasional uncertain note was smothered by their exuberance.

When the anthem came to an end the Governor said, "Welcome to St George's, sir."

"Thank you, Governor," replied Mounthatten.

"May I present my wife, Hazel." The Governor's wife took a pace forward, did a full curtsey, and shook hands with the Admiral.

"How good to see you again, Lady Barker. This is indeed a pleasure." The Governor guided his guest to the end of the red carpet and introduced him to the Prime Minister and his wife Sheila, the localmayor and his wife Caroline, the Chief Justice and his wife Janet, and the Commissioner of Police and his latest wife, whose name he couldn't remember.

"Perhaps you'd care to inspect the guard of honour before we leave for Government House," suggested Ted, steering Mounthatten in the direction of Colonel Hodges and his men.

"Absolutely delighted," said the Admiral, waving to the crowd as the two of them proceeded across the tarmac towards the waiting guard.

When they still had some twenty yards to go, the Colonel sprang to attention, took three paces forward, saluted and said crisply, "Guard of Honour ready for inspection, sir." Mounthatten came to a halt and returned a naval salute, which was a sign for the Sergeant Major, standing at attention six paces behind his Colonel, to bellow out the words, "Commanding officer on parade! General salute, pre-sent arms!'

The front row, who were in possession of the unit's entire supply of weapons, presented arms, while the second and third rows came rigidly to attention.

Mounthatten marched dutifully up and down the ranks, as gravely as if he were inspecting a full brigade of Life Guards.

When he had pa.s.sed the last soldier in the back row, the Colonel came to attention and saluted once again. Mounthatten returned the salute and said, "Thank you, Colonel. First-cla.s.s effort.

Well done.^" The Governor then guided Mounthatten towards the white Rolls-Royce, where Bill was standing at what he imagined was attention, while at the same time holding open the back door.

Mounthatten stepped in as the Governor hurried round to the other side, opened the door for himself, and joined his guest on the back seat. Hazel and the Admiral's ADC took their places in the black Rolls-Royce, while Charles and the Admiral's secretary had to make do with the Rover. The Governor only hoped that Mounthatten hadn't seen two members of the airport staff rolling up the red carpet and placing it in the Rover's boot. Hazel was only praying that they had enough sheets left over for the bed in the Green Room.

If not, the ADC would be wondering about their sleeping habits.

The island's two police motorcycles, with white-uniformed outriders, preceded the three cars as they made their way towards the exit. The crowd waved and cheered l.u.s.tily as the motorcade began its short journey to Government House. So successful had Ted's television appearance the previous evening been that the ten-mile route was lined with well-wishers.

As they approached the open gates two policemen sprang to attention and saluted as the leading car pa.s.sed through.

In the distance Ted could see a butler, two under-butlers and several maids, all smartly clad, standing on the steps awaiting their arrival. "d.a.m.n it," he almost said aloud as the car came to a halt at the bottom ofthe steps. "I don't know the butler's name." The car door was smartly opened by one of the under-butlers while the second supervised the unloading of the luggage from the boot.

The butler took a pace forward as Mounthatten stepped out of the car. "Carruthers, m'lord," he said, bowing. "Welcome to the residence. If you would be kind enough to follow me, I will direct you to your quarters." The Admiral, accompanied by the Governor and Lady Barker, climbed the steps into Government House and followed Carruthers up the main staircase.

"Magnificent, these old government residences," said Mounthatten as they reached the top of the stairs. Carruthers opened the door to the Queen Victoria Room and stood to one side, as if he had done so a thousand times before.

"How charming," said the Admiral, taking in the Governor's private suite. He walked over to the window and looked out onto the newly-mown lawn. "How very pleasant. It reminds me of Broadlands, my home in Hampshire.'

Lady Barker smiled at the compliment, but didn't allow herself to relax.

"Is there anything you require, re'lord?" asked Carruthers, as an under-butler began to supervise the unpacking of the cases.

Hazel held her breath."No, I don't think so," said Mounthatten. "Everything looks just perfect."

"Perhaps you'd care to join Hazel and me for tea in the drawing room when you're ready, sir," suggested Ted.

"How thoughtful of you," said the Admiral. "I'll be down in about thirty minutes, if I may." The Governor and his wife left the room, closing the door quietly behind them.

"I think he suspects something," whispered Hazel as they tiptoed down the staircase.

"You may be right," said Ted, placing his plumed hat on the stand in the hall, 'but that's all the more reason to check we haven't forgotten anything. I'll start with the dining room. You ought to go and see how Mrs. Travis is getting on in the kitchen."

When Hazel entered the kitchen she found Mrs. Travis preparing the vegetables, and one of the maids peeling a mound of potatoes. She thanked Mrs. Travis for taking over at such short notice, and admitted she had never seen the kitchen so full of exotic foods, or the surfaces so immaculately clean. Even the floor was spotless. Realising that her presence was superfluous, Hazel joined her husband in the dining room, where she found him admiring the expertise of the second under-butler, who was laying out the place settings for that evening, as a maid folded napkins to look like swans."So far, so good," said Hazel. They left the dining room and entered the drawing room, where Ted paced up and down, trying to think if there was anything he had forgotten while they waited for the great man to join them for tea.

A few minutes later, Mounthatten walked in. He was no longer dressed in his Admiral's uniform, but had changed into a dark grey double-breasted suit.

"d.a.m.n it," thought Ted, immediately aware of what he'd forgotten to do.

Hazel rose to greet her guest, and guided him to a large, comfortable chair.

"I must say, Lady Barker, your butler is a splendid chap,"

said Mounthatten. "He even knew the brand of whisky I prefer.

How long have you had him?"