True Things About Me Part 3

I toyed with the idea of phoning blind-date Rob. He was the only other person in the world I knew. But after I'd walked myself through our meeting I remembered certain things: drinks in a garden; a ride through dark lanes; the pockmarked lake, a squeaky car seat; his white knuckles gripping the steering wheel; and finally that naked girl convulsing on the hall floor, and it didn't seem such a stunning idea. I felt sorry for him. How could the poor boy, with his nice shoes, have known that he was going to take weird little me out? And he'd doused himself with such nice perfume. Just as if he was going out on a common or garden, straightforward, pleasant, snoggy date. Let that be a lesson to him.

Every day in my lunch hour I went to the hole in the wall and took some money out. I liked seeing the little wad of notes in my bag as I travelled home on the bus. Systematically I cleared out my accounts. It gave me such a buzz. It became the highlight of each day. When I got home I would push it in a kitchen drawer. Finally there was enough. I already had something to put the money in. It seemed right to use the red treasure box I'd had since I was a little girl. Then I'd used it for my secrets. I'd loved that it had a lock and key. Now I started to look for somewhere to stash it. The garden seemed like an ideal place; it was somewhere I felt safe, somewhere only I visited. I stood on the patio and tried to imagine a really unlikely spot. There was a smell of rain, and all the plants were drooping. I used the trowel my father had given me. I don't know why I was doing this thing with my money, but it seemed like an excellent idea. And I chose a good, secret place for it all.

Each evening I performed a ritual. I ate some food; two slices of toast and marmite cut into postage stamp pieces. Then I drank a cup of camomile tea. Anything else made me feel deathly ill, and I was afraid to eat it. I thought that if I did all my insides might pour out like a thin emulsion, and I'd be unable to stand up and carry on. After posting squares of toast into my mouth and systematically swallowing I arranged myself on the sofa in front of the TV. Just on the off-chance someone looked in through the window. There I'd be, lounging, engrossed in a programme. In fact I sat there like a mannequin. The real me was groping about, banging into things, ripping my hair, shredding my cheeks. Screaming for him to come back.

I had two letters in the post on the same day. Two white envelopes spread out on the mat like the wings of a dead dove. My parents wrote to say they loved me. I found it difficult to decipher the words; my eyes weren't working properly. They said they had to mention the man I was living with. How unhappy they were about that. They'd heard bad things about him. They said it wasn't too late. Why didn't I pack a bag and stay with them? n.o.body's angry with you, the letter said. Just come home to us. I wondered what they were talking about; I was home. The other came from the HR department. They regretted to have to inform me that I was required to attend a second warning interview. And could I respond within seven days. And in the meantime not to come into work. This was standard procedure, the letter said.

I had a delayed reaction to the letters. After I'd read them I enjoyed ripping them both up into confetti. Then I sank to the floor and sobbed. So not actually such a huge delay. I cried until I was numb, my head rocking on the confetti-strewn carpet. I didn't have a tissue, and my face stung bitterly. Later I heard steps on the path to my house. Then vigorous banging. I held onto the walls and the hall table as I ran to open the door. He sprang in and lifted me up in his arms. As I ran my fingers through his hair I could hear laughter. You've been crying, he said, and let me down gently. If it's about the car I can explain. The car doesn't matter, I said, now you're here. That's good, he said, 'cos my mate needs it for a couple more days.

He wanted something to eat. He said soup would do. As I prepared it for him he sat at the kitchen table and talked to me. All the time he talked his foot tapped the floor. He smoked a cigarette. Everything had changed. Even the utensils on the walls stood to attention; I could hear them clang against each other. He asked me if I had any news. No, I said, and kissed his forehead. He ate quickly, ripping chunks of bread apart, and dunking them into his bowl. Then he picked me up again. What's happening? I asked him, although I didn't care where he took me. Wait and see, he said, and ran upstairs with me in his arms. Oh yes, he said, and plonked me on the bed. He quickly took his clothes off. We've got time for a sly one, he said, and climbed on top of me. Then we're off to a party.

I don't like parties.

I SEARCHED THROUGH my wardrobe for something to wear. Everything was too dark and corporate. The few special, slinky things seemed too special and, well, slinky. When I asked him what sort of party it was, he said the usual sort, and looked at me as if I was mental. Is someone celebrating something? I said, as I tried to tidy my hair at the mirror. G.o.d, I was way beyond plain, almost ugly. My eyes were like currants in raw pastry.

Finally I put on jeans and an unfamiliar, smocky kind of top I found hiding under some shirts. I can't think what had possessed me to buy it. Usually I wouldn't be seen dead in something like that. He wanted to listen to music, have a drink. He said it would get us in the mood. What mood? I asked. And for what? He stood in the bedroom doorway, and pointed at me. OK, he said, what is it with you and all these questions? What are you, some c.r.a.p private detective? he asked. I know, he said, showing all his teeth in a grin. You're Miss f.u.c.king Marple the Second. Holy s.h.i.t, he laughed, pretending to look at me through binoculars, you actually look a bit like her. Turns me right off anyway. I sat on the bed, and looked at him grinning, filling the door frame. Then he went downstairs. I felt an icy scarf creep round my neck. I don't want to go to a party, I told the mirror and all the things in my bedroom.

By the time we were picked up by one of his friends we were both drunk. The ba.s.s from the speakers in the car was strong enough to melt your brain. I sat on his lap, and collapsed on to him. The back seat was already jammed with blokes. For the entire journey he ran his hands over my body, and pushed his swollen c.o.c.k against me. I looked out at the streets where ordinary people shopped and talked to each other. I sort of wanted to wind down the window, and shout at them to help me. But it did look boring out there. Safe and boring, I thought. Someone in the car was pa.s.sing a bottle of vodka around. He grabbed it. Drink up, he yelled. You need to zone out a bit. He took a swig, and held it to my lips.

We screeched interminably through a housing estate. When we stopped I couldn't get out of the car; my body was so lax and heavy. We had to fight our way. A crowd of people stood around in the garden smoking and drinking. He carried me through the open door of a house, and laid me on a sofa. Won't be long, he said, and gave me a full, uncorked bottle of red wine.

As soon as he'd gone I began to feel hyper-awake and excited. I spilled wine down my stupid top as I gulped it. Dim lamps glowed in the lounge, and I could only just make out the shapes of people. The music was so deafening no one was talking. They seemed to be absorbed in touching each other instead. I wasn't sure if anybody could see me, and that made me happy. Eventually I had to get up to find the loo. I didn't want to leave my sofa; it felt like a little boat that magically no one could board.

Bodies were propped on every step of the stairs, drinking and smoking. I picked my way between them. I was unsteady on my feet, but no one seemed to mind if I stepped on them. There was a queue for the loo. The woman in front of me turned, and I realised I'd seen her before. I tapped her shoulder, and as she faced me slowly I knew who she was. She coughed the cough I remembered. How's your dog? I asked her. I told her I was the person who'd given her a note. What note? she said, without the slightest interest. Then she focused on me. Oh yeah, she said, and took a long drag from her cigarette. Are you OK? she asked me through a cloud of smoke, narrowing her eyes. I asked her why I shouldn't be. It seemed like a weird question to ask a stranger. Just wondered, she answered, and went into the loo.

I crept through the house. There were two guys snogging on the bed in what looked like a child's room. I stood and watched them. They seemed really sweet; at least they had each other. One of them noticed me. What's your name? he said, fondling his chest and belly. I told him I didn't remember. That can happen, he smiled, and patted the bed. Are you on your own? Why don't you come and lie down with us? The other guy looked as if he'd dozed off. I said I didn't think I would do that. I was with my partner, and he might not like it if I did. The guy put his head to one side. No problem, babe, he said, and held my hand.

I sat on the edge of the bed, and realised I was totally on my own. The man ma.s.saged my fingers. No offence, but I think you need to loosen up a bit, he said softly, you seem really tense. That's not even one bit true, I answered, and stood up. I couldn't be more relaxed and happy. G.o.d, I sounded like some head-girly heroine in an Enid Blyton school story. The bedroom felt tiny and airless. OK, OK, the man said, and lay back down. Say h.e.l.lo to your partner for me when he surfaces, won't you?

I negotiated the stairs and made my way to the kitchen. People were gathered round a table with food arranged on it. Even though I wasn't hungry I struggled to get through. Next to a mug of b.u.t.tercups there were bottles of wine and cans of lager. In the centre I could see a huge bowl filled with tomatoes and foreign-looking lettuce leaves, a pile of bread rolls, and various cheeses arranged on a wooden board. Sausages and burgers were being handed round. People offered me things and I accepted everything. The wine was warm, perhaps at blood temperature. The cheese was crumbly and sharp, then creamy and mild. The flavours of everything tasted extreme.

I looked around at all the chewing people. Frilly lettuce hung out of their mouths. All these human beings, I thought, but he isn't among them. Not one of them was lovely him. I looked but couldn't see his blond curls anywhere. Not one person knew who I was. I spat out the lump of sausage stuck in my mouth, and dropped my plate on the tiled kitchen floor. The room was so noisy it smashed soundlessly. I began to cry, then I was sitting on an easy chair in a quieter room. I fell asleep, and woke up when a girl came round with a huge plate of hash brownies. Everyone cheered. There was coffee, and a liqueur tasting of cough medicine. I had some of that. I knew I had to be careful but the brownies were so tender and moistly chocolatey I ate four.

I go to the pictures.

I ENDED UP at the back of the house, and fell over a child's bike as I stumbled about. Finally I found something to sit on. My leg felt wet so I examined it. A street light cast an electric aura into the garden that made the gra.s.s and trees look as if they were coated in mauve suede. Warm tar-black blood ran down my leg. The weird thing was it didn't hurt at all, even though the cut looked long and deep. I watched it spread. Everything was dead; rinsed of colour, m.u.f.fled and still. There was total silence, whilst above me the grey trees gyrated about.

I wasn't sure where I was, or how I'd got here. The house looked as if it might be burning down, but I didn't care. Every smoky window was lit up, and the figures of people writhed around each other. Actually, no. It was a party, I remembered. Those people were having fun whilst I b.u.g.g.e.red about in the monochrome garden, bleeding as usual. I could see a rabbit hutch behind some bins so I went to have a look. I had to kneel on the stiff, scorched gra.s.s. It was surprisingly beautiful inside that little hutch.

Behind the wire mesh of the cage window vivid moving scenes were playing out. I made myself more comfortable, and peered in: tiny elephants crashed through emerald palm trees. The scenes were soundless, but I could tell the elephants were trumpeting, or whatever they do when they're stampeding through a forest. Each elephant had a sparkling jewel on its forehead, and sweet painted feet. Then the elephants became bundles of monkeys darting through ruined palaces at unbelievable speeds. In the second window dancing girls in purple saris whirled around, their miniature hands atwitch, their black lips like strange new moons.

As I watched the pictures changed. Ravishing, naked people with perfect, glistening bodies were torturing captives. Blood and entrails wormed their way through the rabbit hutch straw. Things were being done to the pinkest, most perfect-looking babies. I could hear faint screams, and from the little babies the most heart-wrenching sounds. I was unable to unhook my fingers from the wires of the cage. I had to stay and watch, even though I was shuddering with horror. Then the scenes faded, and I got up. Before I left I bent down to have a final look. Two huge, benign-looking rabbits were sleeping inside.

I ran out of the garden, and saw my car. It had a broken mirror, and a dent in the driver's door, but it was mine. I felt the bonnet; it was warm, as if there were a big, living heart beating inside. The driver's door was ajar, and the keys were in the ignition, so I climbed in. I loved it inside my car. I decided to go home. I kept checking the speedometer; I wanted to stay around thirty. I was trembling, and icy with sweat. I caught sight of my face in the rear-view mirror, stretched into an immobile grin, and almost crashed. Maybe that wasn't me, I thought. Maybe a maniac was in the back of my car.

I parked in front of my house. It was a miracle, but there I was. The sky was lightening, but all I yearned to do was get inside, lock the doors, close the curtains, and snuggle down into my bed. I was incapable of lifting my head from the steering wheel. I thought I could hear a siren continuously sounding. There was someone banging on the car window. One of my do-gooder neighbours was gesticulating to me through the gla.s.s, only I couldn't hear a thing with the mad siren wailing away. He was getting redder and redder so I straightened up, and wound the window down. Immediately the siren stopped, and I realised it had been the car horn, activated by my stupid head on the wheel. I climbed out, and pushed past him. I couldn't tell what he was clucking about.

My parents were in the kitchen, wearing their fleeces, drinking tea at my table. Mum had done some cooking. Before you ask, my father said, we got your spare key from Alison. We came round last night but you weren't here so we tidied round a bit for you, my mum told me, and tried to hold my hand. Want a nice cuppa? Your father brought his mower, didn't you, Daddy? He spruced up your lawn. My father took a sip of tea. I stood in the doorway. We came back this morning. We were so worried about you. Well, honestly, she said eventually. The very least you could do is say thank you.

I began to laugh again. I didn't want to but it was as if the sound emerged from my mouth in an endless squawking hiccup. I think anyone would have done the same; the look on my parents' faces was enough to make a depressed gibbon guffaw. I could see my poor mother staring at the wound on my leg. I knew she was dying to get at it with Savlon and plasters. I doubled over, and slid down the edge of the door. Get out, both of you, I screamed. I hope you drop dead. Get out of my life and never come back.

I plan my menus.

I WATCHED A lot of TV, there was nothing else to do. He liked me to be available, so I didn't go out much. And I found it freeing, somehow, to know my aged p's weren't going to pop up at inconvenient times any more. It gave me more s.p.a.ce, more scope. Things seemed simpler. Even so, one day, after about a week of not seeing them, I stood still in the bedroom, and felt my heart flip and right itself as I realised how much I loved the silly old things. I was stricken by knowing it, seared by the picture of them patiently waiting in the kitchen. Pottering around; mowing and baking, trying to be helpful. I nearly broke down and blubbed when I thought how upset and sad they would be about the way things had turned out. But it was no good going there. I had stumbled through some sort of security door that could never be opened from my side. So I briskly made the bed and opened the window. The curtains rippled on a breeze smelling of freshly cut gra.s.s, and I felt ready for action.

At the supermarket it was blessed business as usual. Was I a tiny bit unhinged, loving the supermarket? I always found it spiritually uplifting, drifting round amongst the orderly racks and labyrinthine aisles. I loved lobbing nice things into my trolley. Anything you wanted there was a huge sign, guiding you. Today they had Hammond organ arrangements of middle of the road pop songs surging through the store. It was the final, perfect touch. I bought the ingredients to make a chicken curry, and had fun choosing the accompaniments before getting engrossed in the stuff for a beef ca.s.serole, then spent some time in the wines and spirits section; I thought I'd better stock up on booze. I tried not to speculate about where he was, or what he had been doing at the party without me.

I was nervous I might b.u.mp into my parents. There's nothing they like better than a good shopping expedition. At every bend I expected to see them, maybe in their Pacamacs, string bags at the ready, peering at the ingredients of something they would never dream of eating, their bifocals at that particular angle needed in order to see. But no, they weren't shopping today. I felt disappointed, bereft almost. If they had been there I'd have hidden from them, of course.

In the cafe I wasn't sure what to eat; there were so many choices. But also I wasn't hungry. The idea of eating seemed far-fetched. When I tried to recall when I had last eaten I was shocked. Nothing came to mind. I knew I'd spat out a sausage in a crowded kitchen. Then I remembered eating cheese and a bread roll, how delicious they'd tasted. Maybe I was still digesting those brownies. I knew I'd eaten after that, otherwise I would be dead by now. Weirdly I could almost hear Alison telling me to eat, so I settled on a baked potato and some apple juice. When the meal came the potato was crowned with a jagged head of chilled, pale yellow, quasi-cheese fragments. It was as if an alien had tried to simulate a tasty earthling snack. I pushed the bits off, and nibbled forkfuls of cool spud, watching the queue for the cafe till.

The back of one of the waiting women was familiar. She was surrounded by a milling team of children. A boy of about twelve was touching the doughnuts and licking his hands. Some of the very small ones were actually swinging off her coat. She ignored them all. Finally, as I watched, she seemed to switch on and notice something. With a surprising economy of movement she slapped the twelve-year-old across the side of his head, and pushed the little ones aside. Then she coughed that familiar cough, and I knew she was the woman from the party loo, the same woman I had seen at the scratched door when I tried to find his house. I felt as if I'd been electrocuted. Why was I b.u.mping into this woman? Was I following her without knowing? Or was she following me?

I hid behind my menu, riveted by the woman and her children. I remembered the way she'd taken the note I handed her. How she'd said she couldn't promise anything. Her total lack of interest. And then, at the party, how she'd asked me if I was OK. The boy she'd struck was sitting at a separate table from the main group, sulking and wiping his eyes. I could see he'd been crying. They all looked dishevelled and not very clean, but his trousers were halfway up his legs and his trainers had no laces.

Then I realised; he was the boy who'd been sat in my lounge, on my sofa, watching football on my TV. The boy with the whispery voice. My scalp began to twitch and stretch; I thought how twilight zoney it all was. Maybe the universe was checking me out. Even trying to warn me, or something. The other children were bolting down bowls of chips with what looked like gravy on top. He wasn't getting any. I could almost have felt sorry for him, if I hadn't been so freaked out. Wait, I told myself, calm down; perhaps I was having one of those days when everybody seems familiar. I looked at the other people in the cafe. No, I didn't recognise anybody. But still, it couldn't be the universe or whatever. The universe didn't give a s.h.i.t about me. n.o.body did. I was terrified though. It was like being in a film where you don't know you're being stalked, but the audience does.

I don't know how I got out of the cafe. I slung the groceries into the boot of the car, and sat behind the wheel. I couldn't think straight. My mind was as smooth and flat as the baize of a billiard table; the things I needed to think about kept sliding away like gently nudged billiard b.a.l.l.s. What was I doing? Did I imagine a beef ca.s.serole would reorder my life? I don't know how long I sat in the car park before finally deciding to go home and wait for him. Then we could talk things through, come to some understanding. If I didn't like what he had to say I would finish with him. All this stuff was a sign. I had to sort my life out. It was that simple.

I cook up a storm.

FOR TWO WEEKS I thought about how I was going to tell him. I carried on doing things. He was in my house with me. Then he would go out. The days were like a series of black and white snap shots. In, out, black, white. Sometimes I went to town, but I didn't buy anything. I felt mesmerised by my own life. On the day I'd got home from the supermarket I'd tipped all the food into the freezer. A few times I remembered the chunks of beef and chicken, waiting in the frozen dark for me to do something with them. At last I realised at least I could do some cooking. That would be a start. Finally I got them out of the freezer.

The next afternoon I was alone. I'd been alone for three days. His phone was off, he didn't call. I had a couple of gla.s.ses of red wine, then embarked on making my ca.s.serole. The spirit of Delia hovered over me in the kitchen. Yes, yes, she soothed, mmmm, yes. And may I just say what an amazing, s.h.i.t-hot cook you are? She even commented on the way I browned the meat in small batches. Oh Delia, I told her, of course. We don't want them to frigging steam, after all. This is all about caramelisation. La la, and thrice la, she sang, swooping and banking up by the fluorescent light strip. It verily is. And no, dear, we frigging do not. Then I heard someone at the front door, so I opened the window wide for her to fly out before I answered it.

In the hallway I felt my heart thumping in my throat. Through the frosted gla.s.s panel loomed the shape of a man. I knew it couldn't be him; he never knocked. But my legs wouldn't move, so I had to lean forward, and hope they'd catch up with my body. Somehow I plodded to the door and opened it. A goofy-looking youth wanted to read the meter. I cannot say if I hugged him. I hope not, but can't say definitely that I didn't. I did insist he show me some ID; anything to keep him from leaving quickly. Unfortunately he didn't look as if he'd be much use in a crisis; far too weedy and trembly.

Are you new at this? I asked him. He was fumbling for ages in his little shoulder bag. Only you seem a bit scared. It's not as if you've got to construct the thing, you know. Just read the numbers. Excuse me, please, he said, and pushed past. Show me where your meter is, if you wouldn't mind. Oh dear, I'm sorry, I said, following him along the hall. Have I hurt your feelings? No, madam, you have not, he told me. In comparison to some houses I visit you are quite polite. And whatever you've got in that oven smells good. I could have cried, it seemed such a nice thing to say. I didn't know you worked on a Sat.u.r.day, I called after him as he walked away, but he didn't respond. Why should he? It was a stupid comment to make.

After he left I went into the garden. The gra.s.s was looking neat, and I noticed a row of begonias my dad must have planted when they came round. The patio chairs had patches of rust on them. I sat down. Out here the sun winked into the small puddles. Under the laurel bushes, in its strong little box, nestled my lovely stash of money. In the oven the ca.s.serole gently bubbled. Birds hopped on the table and looked sideways at me, then flew away. I could hear their wings whirr. A breeze rhythmically lifted my hair, and dropped it back against my face. I began to feel I was the only human being left in the world. Empty houses, silent streets, abandoned cars, childless schools, all stretched out from my garden in every direction.

I was already completely over the idea of the ca.s.serole, but I checked it anyway, and peeled potatoes. I laid the table, and put out some candles. It was almost evening when he came back. He seemed subdued. Something smells good, he said. I gave him a gla.s.s of wine, and he sprawled on a chair in the kitchen. I asked him if he was okay. He said he had the b.i.t.c.h of all hangovers. He drank his wine quickly, and poured another. Hair of the mangy dog, he said, and raised his gla.s.s. I strained the potatoes, and added b.u.t.ter and warm milk to them. He asked me what I was doing. I'm making creamed spuds, I said. He told me he didn't know how you did that, so I showed him. He stood beside me, and listened as I explained. Then I gave him a taste. s.h.i.t, he said, that's amazing.

I lit the candles, and opened another bottle of wine. Everything was peaceful. We sat together in the warm kitchen eating the ca.s.serole and potatoes. He had seconds. I looked at him as he sat drinking his wine. He was beautiful; his broad shoulders, his strong, brown neck. The perfect shape of his lips. Your hair is getting long, I said, and got up to stand behind him. I asked if I could comb it for him. If you like, he said sleepily. As I combed his blond curls I tried to frame the questions I'd rehea.r.s.ed. It was impossible. He dropped his head back onto my chest, and I bent and kissed his forehead.

He said he felt like chilling on the sofa. I went to the bathroom, and locked the door. I looked at myself in the mirror above the sink, and slapped my laughably rosy cheeks. What was I doing? A person couldn't just come and go like this. Couldn't invade someone's life without an invitation. Abandon someone at a party. Gatecrash a family funeral. I sat on the loo, and rubbed my eyes until all I could see were crimson blobs. I thought about other things he'd done to me. Things I had let him do. They weren't good things. He wasn't good for me.

Apart from the fact that I probably had some sort of gross STI, all my friends had gone, and my parents were sobbing, their blood pressure zooming out of control at this very moment because I had been so horrible to them. The thought of him spread out on the sofa made my forehead p.r.i.c.kle and itch. I wanted to rush about, and collect all the c.r.a.p belongings he always dropped here and there, and throw them to h.e.l.l. His underwear entwined with mine in the washing basket made me heave. I couldn't have him in my house any more. Everything became brilliantly shiny and smooth, like the surface of a pool as it recovers from a stone's throw. I had to get rid of him. It wasn't too late to put my life back on some sort of track, even salvage my job if I tried hard enough.

I crept downstairs, impatient to get it over with. I shook him until he stirred. Finally he awoke. What the f.u.c.k is going on? he said. What's happened? He stood up, and looked quickly around. Then he squinted his eyes at me. Have you flipped? he said. You'd better have a good reason for waking me up. I heard my voice saying I wanted him out of my house, out of my life. I told him I didn't even like him. My voice piped away like a mechanical bird's. Get out now, I shrilled. And never come back. You don't love me, you don't even know me. He started to laugh. I beat his chest with my fists. He thought it was funny. So I slapped his face.

His expression changed immediately. His mouth grew ugly. With stiff fingers he patted my cheek firmly three times, not very hard, but I lost my balance and fell over, hitting my head on the coffee table. No one had ever done anything like that to me before. He might as well have smashed in my skull with a baseball bat. I knew the blood in my veins and arteries was stalling. I could sense things coagulate as I lay on the carpet. I felt so stupid.

We'll pretend this hasn't happened, he said, stretching his arms above his head and yawning. Then he bent over, and inspected me as I lay on the floor. You're going to tick me off once too often, he said in a confidential way, and helped me up, straightening my clothes. Then we'll all be very sorry. I swayed a little as he lay down on the sofa again, adjusting the pillows behind his head. b.u.mmer really, he said, grunting as he got comfortable. We were having such a great time. Now get lost for a bit. I feel like watching the telly.

I'm on the outside.

I WANDERED THROUGH the streets in my neighbourhood. All these pretty gardens, window boxes, trellises. It was amazing how people worked so hard to make their little patches of mud nice. I wondered why they did that. We were all perched on the earth's crust so lightly. Anything could blow us away. The perfumed flowers spilling over garden walls seemed so pitiful to me. The carefully staked ornamental trees made me want to cry, they were so pathetic. We are all skeletons, I thought. Dragging our clicking bones around, clacking about, waiting to collapse and be carted to the rubbish heap. All we can do is grin, grin, grin. Through the lighted windows I pa.s.sed families gathered together, but they couldn't see me, drifting like a wraith up and down the darkening streets.

My mobile had died. I walked until I found a phone box that wasn't smashed up and p.i.s.sed in. I left a message for Alison saying I was sorry for everything. That I needed her. I asked her if she would meet me soon, so I could explain. Lastly I told her I missed her, and I loved her a lot. Standing in the phone box I felt like someone who's been given one last phone call before they disappear into the underworld. Then I went back to the house.

The TV was still chuntering away, and he was asleep on the sofa, so I climbed the stairs and got ready for bed. Before I turned off the bedside light I plugged my phone into the charger, and hid it under the valance. I fell asleep immediately. I woke up to the sound of someone moving about in the room. It was still night time. He was standing at the foot of the bed holding my mobile. You've got a message, he said, and threw the phone towards me. From that interfering cow, Alison. I thought you'd given her the push. I sat up and grabbed my phone. She's not welcome in this house, he said, walking out of the room. But she's my best friend, I called after him, sounding like a primary school kid in the playground. Then I whispered under the covers, This is my house, she can come if I want her to.

In the morning I left him in bed. Before I tiptoed out of the room I watched him sleeping. His face was perfectly serene, and he didn't make the slightest sound as he slept. The scar on his chest was silvery now. It could almost have been the place where someone had extracted his heart, and roughly sewn him back together. Then he sighed, and turned over onto his stomach. He'd come to bed with his shorts on and they rucked up as he turned, exposing one b.u.t.tock. It looked like some exotic, furry fruit but I had no desire to bite it. I quickly sneaked around getting ready, and went out without even having a gla.s.s of water. As I walked away from the house I felt light-headed and alert.

Alison and I had brunch at our fave cafe in town. We talked about her kids, their teachers and Tom. She told me I wasn't missing anything in work. We ate scrambled eggs and smoked salmon, and sipped orange juice. Alison said it was her treat. She told me they were decorating the kitchen. I watched her lovely face as she spoke, and concentrated on how she formed and projected every word. I felt that if I listened hard and long enough I could piece together some sort of raft that would float me back to the quiet world of decorating and the school run, and even, eventually, stumble on my old self. The food was delicious; I could feel it doing me good. We agreed to keep in touch. She didn't ask me questions, or give me an opinion about my life. I didn't tell her anything. We kissed each other goodbye.

When I got back and opened the front door I could tell there were people around. The TV volume was high, and something was going on in the lounge. I pushed the door open. The room seemed to be full of children. The boy from the cafe was sprawled on the sofa, and wedged beside him were two toddlers, one asleep, the other sucking from a bottle of baby milk. They looked about two and three. A pair of girls, six and eight maybe, lay on their tummies on the rug watching TV. The room smelled of grubby clothes and unwashed hair. Not one of them took the slightest notice of me. I shut the door and stood in the hallway. For a moment I even thought I'd come into the wrong house.

He was in the kitchen, frying bacon. What's going on? I asked. Making bacon sandwiches, he said, slinging a tea towel over his shoulder. Want one? I sank down on a chair. In my back garden I could see some beaten-up kids' toys and a bike. I felt all my strength slipping out from my extremities. Who are these children? I managed to mouth. What are they doing in my house? He turned, and leaned back on the cooker, grinning. They're mine, he said, folding his arms. What's the big deal? It's only for a couple of hours. But I didn't know you had a family, I said. He pulled me up, and hugged me. Well, you do now, he said. I'll reward you later for being a good girl. Then he kissed me firmly on the mouth.

I have a houseful.

I DIDN'T HAVE anywhere to go. I was in my own place, and I didn't know what to do. There was no point in going out into the empty streets. But it felt wrong to be at home. My house was infested with strangers. He was bashing around in the kitchen, his children filled the lounge. I stood in the hallway, and waited. Every so often a child would come out, and go upstairs to the bathroom. Each one ignored me. I looked at myself in the hall mirror. Sure enough there I was, standing in the hall. I watched as my face formed itself into the face of a woman crying, but no tears came out of my eyes. My down-turned mouth looked ridiculous.

There was a shout from the kitchen, and all the children ran out of the lounge cheering and pushing each other. Grub's up, I heard him say. I hovered in the kitchen doorway. The kids sat around silently, eating their bacon and bread with deep intent. What can I give them to drink? he asked. I pointed to the fruit juice. Not sure they'll like that, he said. I left them, and went into the lounge. The toddlers were both tumbled on the sofa, asleep. I sat on the edge of a chair, and inspected them. Both blond, with pale, luxuriant lashes. Maybe a boy and a girl, I thought.

I talked myself down as I listened to the sleeping babies breathe. I told myself this was OK. I mean, what could be nicer? My lover introduces me to his children. Why so tragic? Why so disturbed? I decided to behave as if this was all normal, nice even. That's what this was. Something I could laugh about with work friends at the water cooler-type stuff. Another part of me was unimpressed. She pointed out some things like, firstly, what friends? Secondly, which water cooler? To be strictly accurate we didn't have one in our office. And also, excuse me, but, lover? Who he? She didn't know what he felt for me, but it certainly wasn't lurve. I knew all this was true. I touched one of the babies on its warm leg. I told myself the children weren't to blame. But I blamed them anyway. I actually called them little b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, to myself. How sad was that?

As I climbed the stairs I heard someone in my bedroom. I felt reluctant to find out who it was, but someone behaving naturally would dash in and find out, so I did. The whispery twelve-year-old was looking through my things. What do you think you're doing? I asked. He was holding something silky, a camisole I think, rubbing it between his hands. Nothing, he said, in his weird little voice. Give that to me, I said. Now. He scrunched it up in his hand, and shoved it in his pocket. What you going to do about it? he said. Tell my dad? and walked slowly past me down the stairs.

I closed the drawers and straightened things out, then lay down under the covers. Though I was rigid and cold I fell asleep quickly. When I woke I got up immediately, and combed my hair. In the bathroom the floor was wet and the loo roll used up. I cleaned up and went downstairs again. He was talking to a woman in the kitchen. I almost didn't care who she was. They were both smoking, and drinking coffee at the table. When she saw me she coughed. I knew it was the woman I'd seen before.

He unfolded himself from the table. Here she is, he said, holding out his hand to me. Sit down. I thought maybe they'd been talking about me, and she was angry, but she seemed completely calm. He started ma.s.saging her shoulders, staring at me. He was waiting for something to happen. She tried to shrug him off. I was surprised he didn't react. Instead he went on squeezing her shoulders; I could see it was hurting her. Any questions? he asked me, smiling smugly. He told her I was the mother of all questioners. Never stops, he said, laughing. Why? Where? How? over and over and over. Well, here's my question, she said. Why don't you get lost? He stretched. You two've probably got a lot to talk about, he said. She didn't answer. She just waited for him to leave. He looked from her to me and back several times. Finally he left.

What a w.a.n.ker, she said. He was hoping for a scene. You know, two women fighting over him. Sort of thing he loves. She lit a cigarette. OK, what do you want to know? She rested back against the chair. Ask me anything. She was unbelievably thin and white. Like someone who'd spent her lifetime in an underground cavern.

As she took deep drags from her cigarette I asked her if she was his wife. G.o.d, no, she laughed quietly and chestily. No one in their right mind would marry that nasty piece of work. So do you live with him then? I felt I had to ask, even though I was indifferent. Are these your children? She leaned across the table and put her hand on mine. She seemed nice, unthreatening; entirely colourless. Even her eyes were pale, like solidified water. Look, she said, yes, I live with him, on and off. Or should I say, he lives with me sometimes, as in, when the mood takes him. Obviously not at the moment of course. And yes, some of these children are his. What I want to know is, how somebody like you got mixed up with him?

I couldn't answer her. The events of the past months were like tears in a pool of water. He sort of swept me up, I suppose, I said. Do you know what I mean? G.o.d yes, she said. He is a b.l.o.o.d.y champion sweeper. But you know that already, don't you? Look, she said, sitting up straight, I know he's gorgeous to look at. Not bad on the s.h.a.gging front either. So what? He's still an absolute s.h.i.t. She stubbed out her f.a.g. It's none of my business, but I will tell you this: you're not the first. I've lost count. Then the kids started trooping in. Right, you lot, b.u.g.g.e.r off outside, she shouted. Wait in the front garden.

She got up as if her joints were stiff, and put her hand on my shoulder. No offence, she said, but my advice to you is, get rid of him ASAP. She shook me gently with her fragile hand. Or he'll suck you dry. She gestured with her thumb towards her concave chest. Just look at me, for G.o.d's sake. We gazed at each other. Have you still got a job? I nodded. Not for long though, if you don't do something soon. Am I right? I nodded again.

Thank you, I said as she was leaving. I wanted her to stay with me. She reappeared in the doorway, holding a sleeping child like a sack of washing under each arm. Good luck, she said. You'll need it. He can be such a charmer when he wants something. She gestured around. And this is all very comfortable for him, I can see. She gave me a little smile. I know, I don't practise what I preach. And let me guess, you've fallen out with your friends? Make it up with them. You'll need all the friends you can get.

The house was quiet and I sat down to absorb it. Then I started to clear up. There was a lot to do, but I did it, dragging myself around. It felt important to get the house neat and sorted, so I didn't stop till it was done. I threw open the back door and the windows, but the smell of smoke and bacon lingered. Also the smell of stale clothes and grubby kids permeated the lounge so I lit a perfumed candle in there. Then whisked up a chicken curry with all the tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs, opened a bottle of wine and started drinking.

When he came back he plonked himself on the sofa, turned the TV on and opened the first of a six pack of lager he'd bought. I served him the food on a tray. I was weaving about but he didn't seem to mind. He wasn't very interested in eating, but he drank several cans of lager. He messed the cooling curry with his fork and continued to smoke, watching the TV. I stood over him with my wine gla.s.s in my hand. Why didn't you tell me you were involved with someone? I said, gesturing so that wine spilled on the coffee table. b.l.o.o.d.y oops, I said. And how many more kids have you got? How many more women? He went on drinking, his face dark red. Answer me, I sobbed, kicking his foot with mine.

He shouted for me to move away from the telly, so I stood in front of it. He said he was only going to tell me one more time. The TV remote was in his lap so I s.n.a.t.c.hed it, and started flicking through the channels. I wanted something to happen, and this seemed like a good beginning. He looked funny, trying to catch me as I danced around, but I didn't laugh. I could hear myself crying. He lost his balance and fell back into the chair. As I watched him breathing heavily I became afraid. He was sweating, his hands bunched into fists. Suddenly I couldn't remember what we were fighting about. I felt as if someone had emptied me out, like the contents of an untidy bag.

I get blue.

HE LEAPED UP, and knocked the candle over. Hot wax splashed across the coffee table. I'm so sorry, I said, putting it back on its holder. I'm drunk, I don't know what I'm doing. He was breathing heavily. You'd better get out of my way, he said, pushing past me. Seriously, you're very lucky I haven't given you a good smack. He went to the kitchen, and dropped his uneaten curry into the washing-up water. I followed him. Curry sauce was splattered all over the dishes in the sink, bleeding into the water. Pieces of chicken bobbed around. For Christ's sake, he said, squeezing my shoulder hard, stop following me. What are you, my f.u.c.king pet?

I tried to put my arms round him. I didn't like him being angry with me. Get out of my f.u.c.king way before I do something you'll regret, he shouted. What's wrong with your curry? I said. Shall I make you something else? A bowl of soup? A sandwich? I wanted to be quiet, but I couldn't. Some other girl was staggering through the house, apologising, trying to embrace him. He put his face close to mine again. It was a thing he liked doing, getting in people's faces. p.i.s.s off, can't you? he said slowly, punctuating each word with a violent jab to my chest. Each jab drove me back until I was against the wall. Then he stomped upstairs.

I sat on the edge of the sofa, and looked at my untouched plate. I thought perhaps I should eat the naan bread, but I didn't pick it up. My shoulder was aching. I felt the shape of his hand there. Coronation Street had just started. I could smell the extinguished candle. I listened hard for any sound from upstairs. The spots where he'd poked me were like deep, burning holes. I heard him flush the toilet, and walk to the bedroom. Then what sounded like drawers opening and closing. The wardrobe door creaked. Then thudding. I felt the strain of listening centre itself in the base of my neck.

The time was 7.43 p.m. when he opened the front door and slammed it behind him. I ran up to the bedroom. My clothes were slung over the bed and drooping out of drawers. He'd been looking for money. And then he'd left. No one else was with me. I knew that. No other imaginary girl was here, sobbing in another room. I lay on the bed, and gathered up the shirt he had thrown down. I sniffed the underarms. The bedroom was cold. I made a comfortable place in the pillow, and tried to shut my eyes. Each time they closed, something would yank them open again. Finally, though, I fell asleep.

When I woke the street lights were shining in. The room was striped and gloomy. I lay shivering, and remembered my dream. I had been in a cave strewn with straw. I was lying in the arms of a fully-grown lioness. She was purring, her face close to mine. Her breath smelled of old meat. I looked at her sleeping eyelids, her eyelashes. Her breaths were deep and long-drawn. We were warm and relaxed lying there together. Her back leg was over me, the paw resting behind my bent knees. I had my arms round her furry neck. Then slowly I realised the danger I was in. I slipped my arms free, and lifted her back leg off. I tried to inch out from underneath her. She reared up, and bared her teeth; her yellow eyes at once wide open. We looked at each other. Then I woke. I recalled staring out from behind the lioness's eyes into my own face. I sat up. The house was silent. I remembered I was on my own.

In the bathroom I sat on the loo seat, and rested my head on the sink. The tap dripped. In the bath there was a spider, and some blond pubic hairs. I reached down and picked them up. The spider raced for the plughole. I don't want you, I said. I opened the bathroom window, and let the hairs fly out into the night. The room filled with rain-laden air. I could hear cars swishing past. I wondered where he could be. Who he was with.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and pulled down the neck of my jumper. A dark love bite showed on my neck. And, further down, the shape of his hand. I turned on the shower, and took my clothes off. Four fat, blue bruises like pansies bloomed, two near my collarbone, two on my right breast. My skin sprang into goose b.u.mps. I turned the water to hot, and let the flow drum onto my shoulders. It was easy to cry in the downpour, but I didn't. My back burned, but still I stood. Then I washed myself clean. I stepped out into the cold air, and put his towelling robe on. I took a box from the cabinet, and opened it. I sat on the toilet, and read the instructions. Then I peed on the stick. Urine gushed warmly onto my fingers. There it was. I watched as a perfect, bright, summer-blue line formed.

I go head over heels.

THEN I WAS alone. I was alone for maybe three days, or four. About four, I think. During that time I sat at the bottom of the stairs, and dozed. I wasn't really alone, in a way. I had the tiny comma inside me that was a baby, though I didn't feel able to think about it much. Now and then I got up, and drifted round the house. In the kitchen the curry in the sink congealed. I nibbled on the hardened naan bread I'd left by the side of the sofa. I didn't turn the TV off. I pretended this was an everyday sort of house.

I dragged down the duvet from my bed, and made a sleeping area at the foot of the stairs. I needed to stay by the front door. I had chocolate in my bag, and I rationed it out. I drank plenty of water. At eight thirty every morning the postman came. Each time I thought it was him, coming back to me. I had one letter, from the office. It said they were regretfully terminating my employment. I decided I'd think about that later.

I showered when I saw the sky getting light, and washed my hair. I let it dry naturally. My curls came back, and I didn't stop them. I put on perfume. I changed my nightgown. Then there was an evening when he turned up and brought some friends with him. He ignored me sitting at the bottom of the stairs. They all walked into the lounge. One of the women went to the kitchen. I could hear her clearing up. They put on music. It sounded like a party.

I thought I should show myself so I went into the lounge. The two women were dancing close together, feeling each other. They were drinking from bottles, swigging lazily. One was laughing, and pushing her leg up into the crotch of the other. He was lying on the sofa, smoking something that created a thick smell, watching the women with his eyes half closed. He wasn't wearing a shirt. His feet were bare. I wondered if I was dreaming perhaps. No one seemed to notice me. I sat in a chair, and wrapped the duvet around me. With his free hand he rubbed his groin slowly.

Even inside the duvet I was cold. I felt I should go to bed. He got up, and they were all dancing together. The women were naked from the waist up. He was squeezing the blond woman's b.r.e.a.s.t.s, making the other woman suck her nipples. I got up, and dragged the duvet round me. I stood in the doorway. He pulled off the blond woman's skirt, she seemed drunk, floppy. Underneath she was naked. He bent her over the back of the easy chair. He and the other woman started stroking her b.u.t.tocks. He eased her legs far apart.

They started running their fingers up and down the flesh between her b.u.t.tocks where it was darker, like a bruise. They slapped her in turn, each time harder. She drooped over the chair back, and lay with her head in the seat cushion, her arms hanging forward. I heard her groan. I watched from the doorway. It looked as if she was asleep. He was holding an empty beer bottle. He gave it to the dark woman. She worked the bottle into the sleeping woman's a.n.u.s with both her hands, wiggling it slightly from side to side. She held it against herself, as if it were a p.e.n.i.s. He was laughing. I saw the shining bottle inch into her. It stretched her as it went in. She didn't seem to notice. I heard a tinkling sound. The sleeping woman was urinating down the back of my chair. They left her there with the bottle gaping out of her.

Up in the bedroom the music sounded like a heartbeat, strangely comforting. I lay down on the bed. I couldn't stop shivering. My jaw was rigid, my teeth vibrated against each other. Then I felt myself drifting away, each pulse of the music pushing me further into a dark, safe place.

I woke up the instant the light was snapped on. Both the women were there. They seemed drunk and happy. He threw back the covers, and pulled me down the bed by my ankles. I screamed as I fell onto the floor. He shouted something I couldn't understand into my face. I held onto his leg. I asked him to let me stay. He kicked me off. I crawled to the landing. He followed me. The woman was calling him, laughing throatily. I kneeled at his feet. Please let me stay, I said. I kissed his foot. Now you've made me really mad, he said quietly. This is your own entire f.u.c.king fault. Then he kicked me with all his strength. I was like a sack of old shoes falling down the stairs. I thought about my tiny baby. I pictured her minuscule arm buds flapping, her rudimentary lips sounding, ouch, ouch, ouch. I hoped she was cushioned safely, deep inside.

I bleed publicly.

ALISON SAID I ought to eat. She went up to the counter, and ordered poached eggs. We were at a window booth. I took off my wet coat, and rubbed my damp shoulders. My face itched as it dried. Outside the rain fell in a Monday morning way, straight and never-ending. I watched the street. Nothing was happening. In the cafe they were playing pan pipe versions of songs from The Sound of Music. Alison came back to the table. You've got to laugh, she said. I mean, pan pipes. She sat, and undid her mac. Well, don't hate me, I said, but I actually quite like the sound of pan-pipes. We sang along to *How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?' Appropriate, I said. Alison didn't smile. Now this one I really love, I said, *Edelweiss'. I'm shocked, she said. I never had you down as an *Edelweiss' person.

There was a pause while she took her coat half off. Alison, you don't know me at all, I said. Come to think of it, I don't know myself any more. I'm pregnant, I said, and I spelled it out: PaRaEaGaGaEaRaS. Then, because she looked so blank, I said, With sprog, knocked up? You know, bunny in the oveny? I tried to hum *I Whistle a Happy Tune'. I could see Alison didn't recognise it.

OK, she said. That's it. I'm going to tell your parents. They should know what's what. I got up to go. If you do that I will never speak to you again, I said. I will never forgive you. Promise me you won't. But why? she asked. Why not let them care for you? They love you. I told her I knew they did. It's complicated, I said. All this s.h.i.t is something I need to sort out myself for once. Or I'll never grow up. Say you understand? Well, yes, I can see that, she said slowly, and looked at me seriously. Say it, I said. Yes, I promise, she said. But only for the time being. And I'm getting you a doctor's appointment. That's not open to negotiation. I sat back down. I got into this, I told her, I know I can get out of it. Kindly, she said nothing.

A waitress brought my eggs. I stabbed each trembling egg yolk, and watched as the yellows poured out. Funny, isn't it? I asked her. We always seem to eat eggs when we meet. She didn't answer. She hadn't said anything for a while. You should eat something, she finally said. Go on, please try to eat a few mouthfuls. Her eyes were blurry with tears. She asked if I needed money as she watched me put a bendy piece of egg white on my fork. Before it reached my mouth it slithered off. Saved, I said. More coffee then? she suggested, and got up. I'll ask them to make it with milk. She looked at my shaking hands, and bit her lip. Won't be long, she said, and went back to the counter.

I watched her bustling up to the counter. She felt to me like someone I'd known in another dimension. Someone I had loved. When she came back with two mugs of coffee she said it was time I told her what was happening. She busied herself sugaring my drink and stirring it. Drink up first. I opened my mouth. I really wanted to spill the whole story, but somehow I didn't have enough words. On one level it was all so pitifully predictable. If I laid it all out in front of Alison she would, with her clear blue eyes, evaporate it, sort it so easily that I'd never forgive her. Maybe I wanted to see it as a bit tragic and hugely unique, even though I knew really it wasn't. Eventually I said, thanks for the offer of moolah, anyway. Money is not the problem.

I told her I had a headache. She found some tablets in her bag. Are these OK for you to have now? she asked, holding the pack away from me. For G.o.d's sake, I said, just hand the stupid things over. After being kicked down the stairs two little tablets are not going to matter. I could probably take the whole box. I'm invincible. Don't talk like that, she said. My brain was heavy. I felt my forehead was going to fall out. I rested my head in my hands. My G.o.d, Alison said, and leaned across to feel my head. Is that what he's done? Her hand was cool. In the same instant that she touched my skin startlingly bright blood gushed from my nose, and plopped like flat coins onto my plate of messed-up eggs.

I can't stop myself.

IT GAVE ME time to think, that quiet week being alone in my house. I asked myself why I should care about being alone. It was what I wanted, after all. Perhaps he'd left for good. I made a few plans. Very simple ones. Then he came back, and I had to rethink them. I found it difficult; it was as if the section of my brain that knew about good moves for me was talking at cross purposes with the section of my heart that knew about him. Somehow I got things straight.

He behaved as if nothing had happened. Mostly he slept and watched TV. I phoned Alison. Have you got company? Alison asked. I told her I wanted to see her. We agreed to meet soon. Just before she rang off I told her I had a plan. Are you leaving him? she asked. Well, one of us is leaving, put it that way, I said. She asked me what that meant. Wait and see, I said.

I sat down beside him on the settee. He put his arm round my shoulders and began to kiss me. I opened my mouth without thinking. Stand up, he said. Take off your blouse. As I undid the b.u.t.tons I asked if I should turn off the TV. No, he said, I'm waiting for the football. He told me to take off my trousers. As I undid the zip I felt myself splitting. Part of me drifted up, and hovered over the TV. The other part centred down between my legs. I felt myself beginning to warmly liquefy there.

I moved near him, and pressed my belly towards his mouth. Kiss me, I said. Say you love me. It felt very important that he tell me. Say I love you, I asked him again. No, he said. He pushed my bra up over my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, and pressed his index fingers down into the soft centres. How do you feel now? he said. What do you want? Do I make you sick? Tell me. He grabbed the waistband of my knickers, and bunched it up in his hand, pulling it upwards. I toppled nearer to him. Does it hurt you? he asked. I felt the bite of the material as it thinned and tightened, I felt a dull pulse in my a.n.u.s. Do you like it? he said. Yes, I said, I do. You can't do without me, can you, poor baby? he said. You need me. I think I'll come back for good. You know, and never, ever leave. I know that's what you really want.