Torn: Crushed Part 9

Also during those times, I barely conversed with Cooper and Brody. I didn't want to give myself away. They knew me too well, and if I was giving off the explanation of jetlag, I had to stretch it for as long as I could. It wasn't until the sixth day, the day after I got the clean bill of health, that I decided it was time to get out of the room and stop living in the shadows. I had to face my fears, come what may.

I could recall Trista getting through her terror before by consistently trying to distract herself, always on the go instead of wallowing in the past. As painful as it was, trying to get through day by day was a big step after the kind of trauma I had gone through with Rob. Maybe someday I would get the strength to really confront him the way I wanted to-without fear and without him making me feel as though I didn't have the right to question anything that happened between us.

Upon deciding it was time to come out of hiding, I set out after taking a long, hot shower to have a light breakfast. I wasn't sure if the fridge or pantry was stocked with food, but I would double check that before I went to the grocery store and did some shopping.

"Good morning," Brody greeted me the second I breezed into the kitchen area, and I was a little shocked to find him there.

"You're up early." Directing him a pleasant smile, I paved my way towards the freshly made pot of coffee, helping myself to a cup.

"I've been up early for the past five days, hoping you'd come out and eat something." He cleared his throat while I took my time pouring milk and sugar into my java. "Are you ready to talk about what's been bugging you?"

d.a.m.n. He was that vigilant? Impressive.

Pausing, I took a lengthy breath before stirring the contents in my coffee. "Not really." Not yet, not when everything was too fresh and the wounds still raw.

While he sat at the kitchen bar, I chose to stand opposite him, close to the sink. I was ready to talk about anything else, perhaps Carter's exciting new opportunity, but Brody was more interested in keeping the present subject alive.

"Listen, I know I was being a d.i.c.k the last time we spoke here in the kitchen. I don't want you to think you're not welcome here, because you are." He sought my eyes, seeming really concerned about me. "And if you have any reservations about it, Carter made sure to lecture us before he left, telling us that we'd answer to him if something bad happened to you."

"He said that?" That was a nice of Carter. It really was, and it was going to take some time to get used to.

"Yeah, he did." Pressing his lips together, his eyes seemed to probe further into me. "Are you all right?" he asked.

G.o.d, if he only knew. I wished I could just let all of my grievances out, but given that my relationship with Brody was complicated already, it felt like he wouldn't be the right person to speak with about it ... if I did ever decided to talk about it.

Holding my cup against my lips, I shook my head before I took a sip, hoping I wasn't going to start tearing up in front of him or having a full-blown meltdown.

"In time, I just might be."

"You're still not angry with me, are you? I'm sorry. It's just been tough, you know."

"I'm not mad." Not about him...

"Good," he reluctantly said before adding, "I was actually wondering if you'd like to come out for dinner tonight."

I almost spat the coffee out of my mouth as I stared widely at him, perplexed, while he appeared a little impish from the word date.

"Are you asking me on a date?" I cautiously asked, wondering if I had heard him right or if I had taken his intentions differently. I mean, if he was asking me on a date ... Well, that would be monumental given that he never had. Everything we had done after he had dated Lindsey was, well, kept in secret. This was a first.

"I guess, if you put it that way, yeah, I'm asking you out on a date. What's the harm, you know? Good company, delicious food, and some great laughs."

"I would love to..." I trailed off, wanting to desperately feel some sort of excitement from this new development from Brody. How long had I been waiting for this moment? How often had I imagined and dreamed of this over and over again? I had done it countless times, and now that it was here, I felt numb inside. I couldn't even sum up a decent, heartfelt smile.

"But...?" he pressed on, quickly picking up on my vibes. "I feel as if there's a but coming."

"I just can't, not right now." Maybe never.

Before this thing with Rob, I had promised to move on. I couldn't back down on that, either, even if something wretchedly vile had happened to me. I had to keep going forward, no matter how hard it was. I had to keep moving, or I would be forever stuck, stalling in this dark void that was my life.

My refusal didn't seem to go well with him. "What do you mean, you can't? Are you really dating Carter? Is that why you're refusing me?"

He was getting aggravated, but I intended to keep my cool and composure. I wasn't going to crack because he was starting to see me differently.

f.u.c.k. Carter. s.h.i.t. Sorry, buddy, but I have to do this. Hope you understand. I sent a silent prayer as tried to match his serious gaze.

"Yeah, I like him very much."

"It's like that, huh?" he uttered through his teeth, displeased.

My eyes didn't waver as he and I fought it out. It felt as if he was waiting for me to fess up my lies. I could feel his frustration and anger, but I wasn't going to fold under his scrutiny, even though I thought the world of him.

"I'm curious to know; does he know you're in love with me?" he spat out, unblinking.

"Really, Brody!" I hissed like he just burned me. "f.u.c.k off!"

"Don't bite my head off, Amber. I'm being serious!" He slipped from his chair and began to stand, as if his tall height could be used to intimidate me.

"Well, so am I!" I pa.s.sionately shot back, almost slamming the coffee cup on the counter. "What I felt for you is not that important, not anymore."

"Like h.e.l.l it isn't. He's my best friend; it f.u.c.king matters."

Point taken. However, he wasn't going to get anything from me. I wasn't going to melt and thaw from his intense look. I had made up my mind where he was concerned. And even though I was glad he was trying to reach out at my weakest point, nothing had really changed. He was still in love with Lindsey. Nothing could ever change that.

"Just drop the subject, Brody-"

"I will if you go out with me tonight."

Letting out a deep, guttural growl, I pleaded with him. "I can't. I'm just not ... I'm not ready. Everything's too complicated."

He immediately became silent, eyeing me as though he was seeing me for the first time. "Okay," he finally whispered.

Uh, how could he change his tune that quickly? He was confusing me.

"I'm going to let this subject go, for now." He made sure to emphasize his point. "But rest a.s.sured, I'm not giving up on you. Think whatever you like, Amber, but you and I have history, and I'm going nowhere until we settle this unfinished business." With those parting words, he left me with my mouth semi-hanging ajar.

For the first time, Brody had left me speechless, and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

Chapter Seventeen.

After our heated exchange in the kitchen, I didn't see Brody for the rest of the day. I wasn't sure if that was intentional or not, but whatever it was, I was grateful for the short reprieve to do some food shopping.

My first stop was Whole Foods then Trader Joes. The guys' staples at the house were bread, beer, apples, and bananas. Oh, let's not forget coffee and milk. Apart from those, the fridge was practically bare of food yet fully stocked with imported beers.

If there was something I could do to help out in the house, I could at least try my hand in cooking. Although I wasn't the best of cooks, I wasn't against purchasing some cookbooks and starting out with simple dishes, so I made sure to have a good selection of protein, veggies, and fruits.

Before returning to Carter's, I made sure to purchase some pastries to drop off at the children's ward at the hospital since I had promised Trista and Emma that I would. They were involved with the kids there, and since they weren't here to do it themselves, I had to make the rounds and check in to one of the nurses, the most beloved Flo.

I was friendly with her, but I kept my distance. After what had happened last week, I was weary of being touched by anyone. The imbedded fear that they would hurt me was what Rob had scarred me with, and I had to learn how to live with that.

Driving back, I was surprised when my phone rang, but what truly shocked me was the caller. It was my mother who never called me for anything. She would have her a.s.sistant do it for her if there were "obligations" I had to fulfill in the family, such as dinner appearances, the occasional Christmas portrait, and so forth.

"h.e.l.lo mother," I uttered sternly, readying myself to hear something disapproving from her.

"I need to speak with you. I was hoping we could meet for coffee."

Her random invitation almost made me step on the break and digest it properly. I felt as if I had just heard her wrong.

"Yeah, sure. Just let me know when and where," I responded casually, not wanting to come off too curious. Then she would end up lecturing me about manners.

"I'm actually in Starbucks on State Street, the one that's closest to Cabrillo. How long do you think it'll take you to come and meet me?" Her statement came as a surprise. Not only that, but I daresay she seemed too eager to see me.

The whole thing-the random call and invitation for coffee-was putting me on edge. This wasn't my mother, but she sure did sound like she was. I had no choice except to put off my cooking skills to go meet my mom.

"Let me drop off the groceries first, and then I'll come meet you. Give me about fifteen minutes, and then I'll be right there."

"Very well." She then hung up on me without a goodbye.

I snickered, thinking it was typical of her. I supposed the real mother I was so accustomed to was still there, alive and thriving. Nothing had changed.

After dropping the grocery items and shoving the cold food in the fridge, I quickly ran back out to meet my mother.

As I was driving towards the meeting place, I conjured up all the reasons she could possibly be requesting this random meeting. Alas, none of them came to fruition. What she announced before I had even had the chance to take the old, leather-cushioned chair across from her was a bomb, ready to explode on me.

"Your father and I decided to get divorced," my mother declared, pausing as she pointedly raised her brow at me before taking a deep breath. "Well, it's him mostly, and I was practically left no choice in the matter." She stated it succinctly and as though she was looking for some sort of angry reaction from me.

The divorce news shocked me, yet at the same time, I wasn't all that surprised. After all, they bickered like they were oil and water. I was just wondering what had taken them so long to decide to finally do it. However, knowing how sensitive this subject was to my mother, I feigned caring what the reasoning behind such a revelation could be.

"What? Why would Dad want a divorce now after all these years?"

She gave me a straight-faced look, trying to read my facial reaction, like she wanted to pick my thoughts as she probed into my eyes. "He's having twins with that woman, and now, years later, he believes it's time we should live our lives happily. He wants to be with his real family, apparently."

Okay, those words stung. After all these years, as much as I told myself I didn't care what my father did away from us, deep inside, I knew it was a lie. Even after what they had done to me, I still surprisingly cared.

What truly dug into my heart was how he had told my mother he wanted to be with his real family. What were we, then? His fake one? I couldn't believe it. Father had finally found his cajones and taken a stance against my mother-against her influential family-to live the life he wanted for himself, and it seemed that newfound life and freedom didn't include me, either.

Staring at my mother, I saw she was really affected by my father's announcement. Though she tried to hide being shaken up by looking like her pristine self, I could easily see the cracks-her eyes stood out, red and teary-eyed.

"I wish I could say I'm saddened by this, but I'm not," I whispered, carefully making sure I knew how I felt about this whole situation. "Growing up, all you two ever did was bicker. Not once do I ever remember having a loving memory of us together, of you two not constantly at each other's throats. Quite frankly, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, I feel as though you both really need this. Dad took a chance, and maybe it's time you should, too."

"That's ghastly of you to say such things to me, Amber, most especially at a time like this."

"Well, the truth can sometimes be ghastly."

My mother lived in a world where pretention was more prevalent than admission. Hopefully, this divorce would open her eyes to understanding maybe she, too, deserved to be happy. Maybe she could use this opportunity to find herself and learn life wasn't all about status and closely following your family's strict orders.

Our short meeting was, well, quite short after I had stated those words. She literally gave me one hard look before she took her leave. I should have felt bad, but truth be told, I was done with the bulls.h.i.t. It was time for change; bulls.h.i.tting my way into my future wouldn't cut it anymore.

The somber drive back to Carter's house gave me a chance to come to terms with what my mother had just told me. I knew I had little family to speak of, but this made it more official. I supposed the only bright thing about the situation was that I didn't have to deal with living a new life, adjusting to a broken family. Quite frankly, mine was broken before it had even begun, before they had decided to take their vows and made this whole facade of being the perfect family.

Honestly, thank goodness that part of my life was truly done and over with.

Chapter Eighteen.

Prepping for tonight's meal, I resorted to Gordon Ramsay's easy meal cookbooks. Since it would be my first official meal, I didn't have high hopes for it. Therefore, it was a surprise when Brody, Cooper, and their usual gang of ten men and women found it rather appetizing. I wasn't sure if it was the munchies or if it was that delicious; however, nothing was left of the spaghetti and meatb.a.l.l.s.

Watching everyone settle into their nightly routine without having my best girlfriends there, I suddenly felt out of place. I didn't feel like I belonged with this group anymore. I wasn't sure if it was the fact that I wasn't close with anyone except Brody or Cooper or maybe the fact that a chick named Joanna was trying to win Brody's sole attention.

Joanna had a way about her when she set her eyes on Brody, flirting with him in a blatant way that made it known to everyone with eyes that she had laid a claim on him and that no one should dare fight her for it.

What bothered me the most was how cool as a cuc.u.mber Brody was about her touchy-feely nature. I didn't get him. Wasn't it earlier that morning when he had sought me out? And if he was serious about it, why wasn't he repelling Joanna's advances?

After our encounter in the kitchen that morning, jealousy should be the last thing I was feeling, yet there it was, sticking out like a sore thumb, making it abundantly known that, yes, I was still in love with the man. Despite denying it, my heart knew better.

Once dinner was done, everyone went to what had been dubbed the game room since most games in existence were there. From PlayStation, Xbox, a pool table, a foosball table, shuffleboard, and old arcade games, there were any number of things to entertain bored, college kids.

I supposed in retrospect, Brody had actually graduated alongside Carter and Cooper, but after his break-up with Lindsey, he was a lost cause. And it looked like no one was hurrying him to do much with his life, because from where I was standing, he was fine with partying all the way to seventy.

Cooper slung his arm around me, grinning as he tapped his washboard abs. "I don't think I've had a decent meal in weeks. Well, apart from pizza and frozen meals. So, come on, Chef, how about a one-on-one play at the pool table?"

Cooper was being adorable, but I really wasn't in the mood...

Rewarding him with a grateful smile, I unhooked his arm from my shoulder and gently put it down. "You guys go on ahead. I'm about to go out and take a walk or something."

"If you say so, missy." He winked at me before leaving.

I drifted towards where the house opened onto a back patio that led to the beach. Then I quietly stood for a moment, appreciating the calm ocean as I breathed in the freshness of the air. After my mother's short meeting and Brody ... Well, a much needed walk to clear my mind was in order.

As I walked and took in the scene around me, my thoughts dove back to Cooper, Brody, and Carter. It was strange how those three had cheated on their women and then groveled their way back into the women's arms after being caught red-handed. I wasn't sure how to take it, but if men in this generation thought cheating was the norm, what would relationships be like in ten years? Swingers and open relationships? It was depressing to even think about it. What happened to romance, loyalty, and love?

My father was so unhappy with his life that he had to seek out other women until one caught his eyes, his heart, and then he stuck to his guns and made a commitment by divorcing his wife, along with the family who came with her. Was that how all men operated? Could they easily divorce the children, as well, once the relationship with the mother died? It wasn't the best feeling to be in. It bred insecurity to the highest order, and I doubted I could ever come to terms with it, let alone learn how overcome it. It was unfortunate to think women always had the short end of the stick.

"Amber!" a male's voice called, so I paused and swung around to watch Brody gradually catch up to me with a slight run.

The sun was past gone, though I could swear I saw the light watching him approach me. Sigh, it was hard to love a man whose heart had already been broken by another woman. I couldn't volunteer to help him cure it, or else I would be even more lost and insecure than I already was. For my own survival, I had to let him go. Hopefully, I had the strength to accomplish it.

"Hey, I was looking for you, but you were nowhere to be found," he greeted, smiling and huffing for breath while his eyes gleamed at me. "Coop said you were out for a walk, so here I am."