Toaster's Handbook Part 94

But the agent interrupted him curtly.

"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."

INSURANCE BLANKS

_See_ Irish bulls.

INSURGENTS

"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call that kind of cuc.u.mber?"

"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cuc.u.mber. It doesn't always agree with a party."

INTERVIEWS

"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"

"No," replied Senator Soghum.

"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"

"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."

INVITATIONS

"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to the att.i.tude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:

"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and Miss Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All who cannot come may send."--_Howard Morse_.

One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street.

"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said graciously.

"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow night do just as well?"

"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the mandarin curiously.

"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give me tonight's invitation."

MARION (just from the telephone)--"He wanted to know if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."

MADELINE--"Who was speaking?"

MARION--"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."

Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented, provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but, rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to invite Tommy.

On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrived except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son.

"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?"

"Yes, Mother."

"And did he say he would not come?"

"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared him to come."

IRISH BULLS

Two Irishmen were among a cla.s.s that was being drilled in marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side av the foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless."

"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing the same you will greatly oblige his mother."

An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git on I'll git off."

"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope, but if 'e don't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up."

For rent--A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.

A servant of an English n.o.bleman died and her relatives telegraphed him: "Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her funeral expenses."