Toaster's Handbook Part 80

There was an old man in a hea.r.s.e, Who murmured, "This might have been worse; Of course the expense Is simply immense, But it doesn't come out of my purse."

FURNITURE

GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"

HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for furniture to match."

FUTURE LIFE

A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.

"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going on. And I knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I was hungry."

"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?" asked one of the curious.

"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be hungry.

And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold."

FATHER (impressively)--"Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what would become of you, my boy?"

IRREVERENT SON--"I'd stay here. The question is, What would become of you?"

"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who was naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to Heaven."

"I don't want to go to Heaven," sobbed the boy; "I want to go with you and mother."

On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buried at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, at the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavy shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance, nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was subst.i.tuted.

Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,

"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn't think you'd have to furnish your own fuel."

An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that in the next he would have to climb up hill to get into h.e.l.l.

When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show," it was his rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom is continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend Doctor Walker succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor Hawks, in Hartford, there came to the parsonage, addressed to Doctor Hawks, tickets for the circus, with the compliments of the famous showman. Doctor Walker studied the tickets for a moment, and then remarked:

"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they haven't met."

Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens of Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among others were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; ex-Attorney-General MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other prominent railroad men.

Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: "Your Grace, among others you see here a great many railroad men. There is a peculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will find that they always take their lawyer with them. That is why I am here.

They never go anywhere without their counsel. Now they have nearly everything that men want, but I have a suggestion to make to you for an exchange with us. We can give free pa.s.ses on all the railroads of the country. Now if you would only give us--say a free pa.s.s to Paradise by way of exchange."

"Ah, no," said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that would never do. I would not like to separate them from their counsel."

GARDENING

Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_.

"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months from now I won't be kicking about your prices."

"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sell vegetables so cheap."

GAS STOVES

A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy arrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the modern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished. The gas stove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most. After the mistress of the household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and the other burners and felt certain the old servant understood its operations, the mistress hurried for her train.

She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy was how she had worried along.

"De fines' ever," was the reply. "And dat air gas stove--O my! Why do you know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out yit."

GENEROSITY

"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and the young man tells me I can get a money order for $10 for 10 cents. Think of that now!"

At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily common of late, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both legs in the service, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous place to receive alms. The response to his appeal was generous and his cup rapidly filled.

n.o.body gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled warrior of the lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not content, he presently came that way again and plumped in another dollar.

The cripple's grat.i.tude did not quite extinguish his curiosity. "Why,"

he inquired, "do you, who fought on the other side, give me so much more than any of those who were my comrades in arms?"