Toaster's Handbook Part 54

An anecdote about Dr. Randall Davidson, bishop of Winchester, is that after an ecclesiastical function, as the clergy were trooping in to luncheon, an unctuous archdeacon observed: "This is the time to put a bridle on our appet.i.tes!"

"Yes," replied the bishop, "this is the time to put a bit in our mouths!"--_Christian Life_.

There was a young lady named Maud, A very deceptive young fraud; She never was able To eat at the table, But out in the pantry--O Lord!

"Father's trip abroad did him so much good," said the self-made man's daughter. "He looks better, feels better, and as for appet.i.te--honestly, it would just do your heart good to hear him eat!"

Whistler, the artist, was one day invited to dinner at a friend's house and arrived at his destination two hours late.

"How extraordinary!" he exclaimed, as he walked into the dining-room where the company was seated at the table; "really, I should think you might have waited a bit--why, you're just like a lot of pigs with your eating!"

A macaroon, A cup of tea, An afternoon, Is all that she Will eat; She's in society.

But let me take This maiden fair To some cafe, And, then and there, She'll eat the whole Blame bill of fare.

--_The Mystic Times_.

The small daughter of the house was busily setting the tables for expected company when her mother called to her:

"Put down three forks at each place, dear."

Having made some observations on her own account when the expected guests had dined with her mother before, she inquired thoughtfully:

"Shall I give Uncle John three knives?"

For a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he does of his dinner--_Samuel Johnson_.

DIPLOMACY

WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home."

HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one with the soulful eyes and--"

WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done, dear. On second thought, I won't bother you."

Scripture tells us that a soft answer turneth away wrath. A witty repartee sometimes helps one immensely also.

When Richard Olney was secretary of state he frequently gave expression to the opinion that appointees to the consular service should speak the language of the countries to which they were respectively accredited. It is said that when a certain breezy and enterprising western politician who was desirous of serving the Cleveland administration in the capacity of consul of the Chinese ports presented his papers to Mr. Olney, the secretary remarked:

"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I never recommend to the President the appointment of a consul unless he speaks the language of the country to which he desires to go? Now, I suppose you do not speak Chinese?"

Whereupon the westerner grinned broadly. "If, Mr. Secretary," said he, "you will ask me a question in Chinese, I shall be happy to answer it."

He got the appointment.

"Miss de Simpson," said the young secretary of legation, "I have opened negotiations with your father upon the subject of--er--coming to see you oftener, with a view ultimately to forming an alliance, and he has responded favorably. May I ask if you will ratify the arrangement, as a _modus vivendi?_"

"Mr. von Harris," answered the daughter of the eminent diplomat, "don't you think it would have been a more graceful recognition of my administrative ent.i.ty if you had asked me first?"

I call'd the devil and he came, And with wonder his form did I closely scan; He is not ugly, and is not lame, But really a handsome and charming man.

A man in the prime of life is the devil, Obliging, a man of the world, and civil; A diplomatist too, well skill'd in debate, He talks quite glibly of church and state.

--_Heine_.

DISCIPLINE

_See_ Military discipline; Parents.

DISCOUNTS

A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets of the luckless pa.s.sengers. One of them happened to be a traveling salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, but rapidly took $4 from the pile and placed it in his vest pocket.

"What do you mean by that?" asked the robber, as he toyed with his revolver. Hurriedly came the answer: "Mine frent, you surely vould not refuse me two per zent discount on a strictly cash transaction like dis?"

DISCRETION

When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club.

DISPOSITION

One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carca.s.s?" he wrote: "Kind and gentle."