Toaster's Handbook Part 2

"Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy.

But the preacher a.s.sured him that he would fix it all right with his father, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay. After dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had stayed.

"Pa won't like it," he persisted.

The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what made him think his father would object.

"Why, you see, pa's under the hay," explained the boy.

There was an old Miss from Antrim, Who looked for the leak with a glim.

Alack and alas!

The cause was the gas.

We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn.

--_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.

There was a young lady named Hannah, Who slipped on a peel of banana.

More stars she espied As she lay on her side Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.

A gentleman sprang to a.s.sist her; He picked up her glove and her wrister; "Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried; "Did you think," she replied, "I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"

At first laying down, as a fact fundamental, That nothing with G.o.d can be accidental.

--_Longfellow_.

ACTING

Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel Carter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, and remembered an old negro and his wife, who had been body servants in his father's household, with a couple of seats in the theatre. As it happened, he was playing the part of the villain, and was largely concerned with treasons, stratagems and spoils. From time to time he caught a glimpse of the ancient couple in the gallery, and judged from their fearsome countenance and popping eyes that they were being duly impressed.

After the play he asked them to come and see him behind the scenes. They sat together for a while in solemn silence, and then the mammy resolutely nudged her husband. The old man gathered himself together with an effort, and said: "Ma.r.s.e Cha'les, mebbe it ain' for us po'

n.i.g.g.e.rs to teach ouh young ma.s.ser 'portment. But we jes' got to tell yo'

dat, in all de time we b'long to de fambly, none o' ouh folks ain' neveh befo' mix up in sechlike dealin's, an' we hope, Ma.r.s.e Cha'les, dat yo'

see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo' done sho' nuff disgrace us."

In a North of England town recently a company of local amateurs produced Hamlet, and the following account of the proceedings appeared in the local paper next morning:

"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered to witness a performance of _Hamlet_ at the Town Hall. There has been considerable discussion in the press as to whether the play was written by Shakespeare or Bacon. All doubt can be now set at rest. Let their graves be opened; the one who turned over last night is the author."

Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature.--_Shakespeare_.

To wake the soul by tender strokes of art, To raise the genius, and to mend the heart; To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold, Live o'er each scene, and be what they behold-- For this the tragic muse first trod the stage.

--_Pope_.

ACTORS AND ACTRESSES

An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled to the middle of the street and began to hiss.

One of the double-in-bra.s.s actors turned toward the fowl and angrily exclaimed:

"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till you see the show."--_K.A. Bisbee_.

When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he had a vaunting ambition to play _Hamlet_. So with his first profits he organized his own company and he went to an inland western town to give vent to his ambition and "try it on."

When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed that the actor appeared to be much downcast.

"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?" asked one of his friends.

"They didn't seem to," laconically answered the actor.

"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they ask you to come before the curtain?" persisted the friend.

"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!"

LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY--"We play _Hamlet_ to-night, laddie, do we not?"

SUB-MANAGER--"Yes, Mr. Montgomery."

LEADING MAN--"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!"

SUB-MANAGER--"Why?"

LEADING MAN--"I have four days' growth upon my chin. One cannot play _Hamlet_ in a beard!"

SUB-MANAGER--"Um--well--we'll put on Macbeth!"

HE--"But what reason have you for refusing to marry me?"

SHE--"Papa objects. He says you are an actor."

HE-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry he isn't a newspaper critic."