Toaster's Handbook Part 176

"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone individual, who occupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a million."

"It ain't that," piped back this one helplessly as the rest of the congregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I can't get up--I'm paralyzed!"

JUDGE--"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted."

PRISONER (to the jury)--"Very sorry, indeed, gentlemen, to have given you all this trouble for nothing."

A friend of mine, returning to his home in Virginia after several years'

absence, met one of the old negroes, a former servant of his family.

"Uncle Moses," he said, "I hear you got married."

"Yes, Ma.r.s.e Tom, I is, and I's having a moughty troublesome time, Ma.r.s.e Tom, moughty troublesome."

"What's the trouble?" said my friend.

"Why, dat yaller woman, Ma.r.s.e Tom. She all de time axin' me fer money.

She don't give me no peace."

"How long have you been married, Uncle Moses?"

"Nigh on ter two years, come dis spring."

"And how much money have you given her?"

"Well, I ain't done gin her none yit."--_Sue M.M. Halsey_.

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear tight shoes.

Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear three--all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have.--_Edward Everett Hale_.

TRUSTS

A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_.

TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates correctly and indelibly as the egg is being laid."

DEWLEY--"Is the machine on the market yet?"

TOMKINS--"Oh, my no! and it won't be on the market. The patent was bought by the Cold Storage Trust."

TRUTH

There was a young lady named Ruth, Who had a great pa.s.sion for truth.

She said she would die Before she would lie, And she died in the prime of her youth.

Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth.

Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the sea.--_Democritus_.

"Tis strange--but true; for truth is always strange, Stranger than fiction."--_Byron_.

TURKEYS

"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I was a boy, as the central figure!"

"Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of them."--_Life_.

TUTORS

A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.

Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot, or To tutor two tutors to toot?"

--_Carolyn Wells_.

TWINS

"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?"

"Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_.