Toaster's Handbook Part 167

A--"I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her sorely a week ago. She has not spoken a syllable to me since."

B--"Would you mind telling me what it was?"

In general those who have nothing to say Contrive to spend the longest time in doing it.--_Lowell_.

_See also_ Wives.

TARDINESS

"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in pa.s.sing a small boy who was carrying a package.

"No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."--_Mabel Long_.

"How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this morning?" the teacher asked severely.

"Please, ma'am," said Ethel, "I must have overwashed myself."

TARIFF

Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying, "America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_.

TASTE

"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whose little daughter called at a friend's house and said:

'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'"

So, with great pride, the hostess led the little girl into the drawing-room, and raised all the blinds, so that the light might stream in abundantly upon the gorgeous colors of an expensive Kirmanshah.

The little girl stared down at the rug in silence. Then, as she turned away, she said in a rather disappointed voice:

"'It doesn't make _me_ sick!'"

TEACHERS

A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys of her cla.s.s were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by six o'clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waiting for her to arrive.

"Why did you break your engagement with that school teacher?"

"If I failed to show up at her house every evening, she expected me to bring a written excuse signed by my mother."

Among the youngsters belonging to a colege settlement in a New England city was one little girl who returned to her humble home with glowing accounts of the new teacher.

"She's a perfect lady," exclaimed the enthusiastic youngster.

The child's mother gave her a doubtful look. "How do _you_ know?" she said. "You've only known her two days."

"It's easy enough tellin'," continued the child. "I know she's a perfect lady, because she makes you feel polite all the time."

MOTHER--"The teacher complains you have not had a correct lesson for a month; why is it?"

SON--"She always kisses me when I get them right."

There was a meeting of the new teachers and the old. It was a sort of love feast, reception or whatever you call it. Anyhow all the teachers got together and pretended they didn't have a care in the world. After the eats were et the symposiarch proposed a toast:

"Long Live Our Teachers!"

It was drunk enthusiastically. One of the new teachers was called on to respond. He modestly accepted. His answer was:

"What On?"

TEACHER--"Now, Willie, where did you get that chewing gum? I want the truth."

WILLIE--"You don't want the truth, teacher, an' I'd ruther not tell a lie."

TEACHER--"How dare you say I don't want the truth! Tell me at once where you got that chewing-gum."

WILLIE--"Under your desk."

Grave is the Master's look; his forehead wears Thick rows of wrinkles, prints of worrying cares: Uneasy lie the heads of all that rule, His worst of all whose kingdom is a school.

--_0.W. Holmes_.