Toaster's Handbook Part 147

The friendship existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is proof against differences in race and religion. Each distinguished for his learning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in chaffing each other. They were seated opposite each other at a banquet where some delicious roast ham was served and Father Kelly made comments upon its flavor. Presently he leaned forward and in a voice that carried far, he addressed his friend:

"Rabbi Levi, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham?"

"At your wedding, Father Kelly," retorted the rabbi.

The broad-minded see the truth in different religions; the narrow-minded see only their differences.--_Chinese Proverb_.

REMEDIES

MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?"

MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!"

SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it."

FRIEND--"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a toothache yesterday and I went home and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that the pain soon pa.s.sed away. Why don't you try the same?"

SUFFERER--"I think I will. Is your wife at home now?"

For every ill beneath the sun There is some remedy or none; If there be one, resolve to find it; If not, submit, and never mind it.

REMINDERS

The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast:

"Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier, countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. You'll be sure to remember?"

The tired eyes of the hara.s.sed, shabby promoter lit up with joy. He seized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in a corner, and going to his wife, he said:

"Here, tie my right hand to my left foot so I won't forget!"

REPARTEE

Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next morning.

Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking that he would get ahead of Pat, said: "Say, Pat, how many shirts can you get out of a yard?"

"That depends," answered Pat, "on whose yard you get into."

A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the Grand Central Station in New York the other day.

"Young man," he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to Central Park."

The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment.

"Well," he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't want you ever, _ever_ to ask me again."

SEEDY VISITOR--"Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?"

BOATMAN--"Not very many, sir. You're the first I've seen this season."

HER DAD--"No, sir; I won't have my daughter tied for life to a stupid fool."

HER SUITOR--"Then don't you think you'd better let me take her off your hands?"

Wendell Phillips was traveling through Ohio once when he fell in with a car full of ministers returning from a convention. One of the ministers, a southerner from Kentucky, was naturally not very cordial to the opinions of the great abolitionist and set out to embarra.s.s Mr.

Phillips. So, before the group of ministers, he said:

"You are Wendell Phillips, are you not?"

"Yes," answered the great abolitionist.

"And you are trying to free the n.i.g.g.e.rs, aren't you?"

"Yes, sir; I am."

"Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? Why don't you go over into Kentucky?"

"Excuse me, are you a preacher?"

"I am, sir."

"Are you trying to save souls from h.e.l.l?"

"Yes, sir; that is my business."

"Well, why don't you go there then?" asked Mr. Phillips.