To Love Again Part 5

Can't I wear this? He looked down happily at his astronaut suit, and Bernardo took a gentle swing at his behind.

Go on, you can wear your coat over it.

Okay. He said the American word with his own Roman accent and disappeared at full speed as Bernardo winced.

I may have to replace the mirrors in your hall.

Not to mention the dining room table, all the cabinets between here and his room, and possibly the gla.s.s doors. They both listened smilingly as the bicycle bell rang out from the long hall. It was just the right gift. She also knew that it had been what Amadeo planned for him, and for a moment no one spoke. She looked at him searchingly then and let out a small sigh. I'm glad you could be here with Alessandro this year, Nardo ' and with me too.

Gently he touched her hand as the fire in the hearth crackled and blazed. I wouldn't have been anywhere else. And then he smiled at her. Despite the ulcers you give me at work. But this was different. And now suddenly there was a different kind of electricity in the air.

I'm sorry, I I feel so much on my shoulders now. I keep thinking you'll understand. She looked up at him, the beautifully etched face so pale and so perfectly set around the dark eyes.

I do understand. I could help more, you know, if you'd let me.

I'm not sure I can. I have this insane urge to to do it all myself. It's difficult to explain. It's all I have left, except Alessandro.

One day there will be more. One day ' but she only shook her head.

Never again. There is no one like him. He was a very special man. Tears rolled into her eyes again as she pulled her hand away and looked silently into the fire. And Bernardo looked away and sipped at his brandy again as he heard the bicycle bell chime and Alessandro come careening down the hall with Mamma Teresa in tow. Ready? Isabella's eyes were a little too shiny, but nothing in the face she turned to her child showed how great was her pain.

Si. The little face looked out impishly from the large plastic astronaut hat.

Allora, andiamo. Isabella stood up and led the way to the double doors leading into the garden. A guard was un.o.btrusively standing off to the side, and they all saw now that the garden was brilliantly lit. She looked down at the child, and she heard him catch his breath.

Mamma! ' Mamma! It was a small but beautiful carousel, just the right size for a five-year-old child. It had cost her a fortune, but it was worth every bit of it when she saw the light in his eyes. Four horses danced gaily beneath a carved wooden tent painted red and white; there were bells and clowns and decorations. Bernardo thought he had never seen the boy's eyes so wide. Enzo helped him carefully into the saddle of a blue-painted horse with green ribbons attached to a golden halter ringed with little silver bells. A switch was flicked on, and the carousel began to turn. Alessandro squealed with excitement and delight. The night was suddenly filled with carnival music as the servants came to the windows, and everywhere his audience smiled.

Buon Natale! Isabella called out to him and then ran to jump into the saddle of the next horse, a yellow one with a little red saddle edged in gold. They laughed at each other as the carousel spun slowly around. Bernardo watched them, feeling something very tender tear at his heart. Mamma Teresa turned away, wiping a tear from her eye, and Enzo and the guard shared a smile.

Alessandro rode 'round and 'round for almost half an hour, and then at last Isabella urged him back inside.

It will still be there in the morning.

But I want to ride it tonight.

If you stay out here all night, Santa Claus won't come.

Santa Claus? Bernardo smiled to himself. What didn't the child have? The smile faded. A father. That's what Alessandro didn't have. He helped the child down from the carousel and held his hand tightly as they walked back inside. He disappeared quickly to the kitchen as Bernardo and Isabella regained their seats by the fire.

What a marvelous thing, Isabella. The echo of the carnival chimes still rang in his head. And finally she was smiling as she hadn't in months.

I always wanted one of my very own when I was a child. It's perfect, isn't it? For a moment her eyes were almost as bright as the fire. For an instant he wanted to say So are you. She was a remarkable woman. He hated her and loved her, and she was his dearest friend.

Do you suppose he'll let us ride it with him if we're very, very nice? She laughed with him and poured herself a small gla.s.s of red wine. And then as though she had forgotten something, she jumped to her feet and ran to the tree.

I almost forgot. She picked up two small boxes wrapped in gold and returned to the fire. For you.

If it's not a carousel of my very own, I don't want it. And again they both laughed. But the laughter dimmed very quickly as he discovered what was inside. The first was a tiny immensely intricate calculator in its own silver case; it looked like a very elegant cigarette case and could be worn concealed in his vest.

I had it sent from the States. I don't understand it. But you will.

Isabella, you're crazy!

Don't be silly. I should have gotten you a hot-water bottle for your ulcer, but I thought this might be more fun. She kissed him fondly on the cheek and handed him the next box. But this time she turned away, staring into the fire. And when he had opened it, he fell silent as well. There was very little he could say. It was the pocket watch he knew Amadeo had treasured and had almost never worn because it was so sacred to him. It had belonged to his father, and on its back initials of three generations of San Gregorio's were elaborately engraved. Beneath them, he suddenly realized, were his own.

I don't know what to say.

Ni+?nte, caro. There is nothing to say.

Alessandro should have this. But she only shook her head.

No, Nardo. You should. And for an endless moment her eyes held his. She wanted him to know that no matter how great the friction between them at work, he was precious to her, and he mattered. A great deal. He and Alessandro were all she had left now. And Bernardo would always be special to her. He was her friend. As he had been Amadeo's friend too. The watch was to remind him of that, that he was something more than simply the director of San Gregorio or the man she yelled at every day, twenty-seven times before noon. Away from the office he was someone important to her, a kind of family. He was a part of her other life. And the look in her eyes told him all that now as he watched her. His eyes seemed to hold hers for a very long time as though he were wondering about something, as though he were trying to resist a tidal wave over which he had no control.

Isabella' . He sounded suddenly oddly formal, and she waited, knowing he was deeply moved by the gift. I I have something to say to you. I have for a long time. It may be the wrong time. It probably is' . I'm not sure. But I have to tell you. I must be honest with you now. It's ' very important ' to me. He hesitated lengthily between words as though what he was saying was very difficult for him, and the look in his eyes told her it was.

Is something wrong? Her eyes suddenly filled with compa.s.sion. He looked agonized, poor man, and she had been so hard lately. What in G.o.d's name was he about to say? She sat very still and waited. Nardo ' you look frightened, caro. You needn't. Whatever it is, you can say it to me. G.o.d knows we've been outspoken enough for all these years. She tried to make him smile and he wouldn't, and for the first time in all the years he had known her, he thought her insensitive. My G.o.d, how could she not know? But it wasn't insensitivity, it was blindness. He knew it as he watched her, and then he nodded and put down his gla.s.s.

I am frightened. What I have to tell you used to frighten me a great deal. And what worries me now is that it might frighten you. And I don't want it to. That's the last thing I want. She sat very still, watching him, waiting.

Nardo' . She started to speak, holding out a long graceful white hand. He took it and held it fast in his own. His eyes never left hers.

I will tell you very simply, Bellezza. There's no other way. I love you. And then softly, I have for years.

She seemed almost to jump at his words, as though a current had suddenly gone through her and shocked her entire body. What?

I love you. He seemed less frightened this time and more like the Bernardo she knew.

But Nardo ' all these years?

All these years. He said it proudly now. He felt better. At last it was out.

How could you?

Very easily. You're a pain in the a.s.s a lot of the time, but strangely enough that doesn't make you hard to love. He was smiling and she laughed suddenly; it seemed to break some of the tension in the room.

But why? She stood up now and walked pensively toward the fire.

Why did I love you or why didn't I tell you?

All of it. And why now? Why now, Nardo ' why must you tell me now? There were suddenly tears in her voice and her eyes as she leaned against the mantelpiece, staring into the fire. He walked softly toward her, stood next to her, and turned her face gently toward his so he could look into her eyes.

I didn't tell you for all these years because I loved both of you. I loved Amadeo too, you know. He was a very special man. I would never have done anything to hurt him or you. I put away my feelings, I sublimated them. I put what I felt into the business, and maybe he smiled even into fighting with you. But now ' everything has changed. Amadeo is gone. And day after day after week I watch you, lonely, destroying yourself, pushing yourself, alone, always alone. I can't bear it anymore. I'm there for you. I have been for all these years. It's time you knew that. It's time you turned to me, Isabella. And ' he hesitated for a long moment, and then he stood very still and said it, ' and it's time I got mine too. Time I was able to tell you that I love you, to feel you in my arms, to be Alessandro's stepfather, if you let me, and not just his friend. Maybe I'm mad to tell you all this, but ' I I have to' . I've loved you for too long. His voice was hoa.r.s.e with the pent-up pa.s.sion of years, and as she watched him tears wended their way slowly down her face, rolling mercilessly down her cheeks and onto her dress. He watched her and slowly let his hand go to her face and brush away the tears. It was the first time he had touched her that way, and he felt unbridled pa.s.sion tear through his loins. Almost without thinking, he pulled her toward him and crushed his mouth against hers. She didn't fight him, and for an instant he thought he felt her kiss him back. She was hungry and lonely and sad and afraid, but what was happening was too much for her, and suddenly she pushed him firmly away. They were both breathless, and Isabella was wild eyed as she looked at her old friend.

No, Nardo! ' No! She was as much fighting against what he had just told her as against his kiss.

But suddenly he looked even more frightened than she did, and he shook his head. I'm sorry. Not for what I've said. But for for pushing you too quickly. ' I ' my G.o.d, I'm so sorry. It is too soon. I was wrong.

But as she watched him she felt achingly sorry for him. It was obvious that he had suffered for years. And during all of that time she had never known and she was certain that Amadeo had been as ignorant as she. But how could she have been so stupid? How could she have not seen? She looked at him now with compa.s.sion and tenderness and held out both hands. Don't be sorry, Nardo, it's all right. But as a bright light of hope came into his eyes, she quickly shook her head. No, I don't mean it like that. I I just don't know. It's too soon. But you weren't wrong; if that's what you feel, you should tell me. You should have told me a long time ago.

And then what? For a moment he sounded bitter and jealous of his old friend.

I don't know. But I must have seemed very stupid and cruel over the years. She looked at him warmly, and he smiled.

No. Just very blind. But perhaps it was better that way. Had I told you, it would have complicated things. It may do that now.

It doesn't have to.

But it might. Do you want me to leave San Gregorio, Isabella? He said it honestly, and his voice sounded very tired. It had been a difficult evening for him.

But she looked at him now with fire in her eyes. Are you crazy? Why? Because you kissed me? Because you told me you loved me? For that you would leave? Don't do that to me, Nardo. I need you, in too many ways. I don't know what I feel right now. I'm still numb. I still want Amadeo night and day ' about half of the time I don't understand that he's never coming home. I still expect him to ' I still hear him and see him and smell him' . There's no room for anyone else in my life, except Alessandro. I can't make you any promises now. I can barely hear what you're saying. I hear it, but I don't really understand it. Not really. Maybe one day I will. But until then all I can do is love you as I always have, as a brother, as a friend. If that's a reason for you to leave San Gregorio, then do it, but I will never understand. We can go on as we always have; there is no reason not to.

But not forever, cara. Do you understand that?

She looked pained as their eyes met. What do you mean?

Just what I said, that I can't go on like this forever. I had to tell you because I can't live with the secret of my feelings any longer, and there's no reason to. Amadeo is gone, Isabella, whether you recognize it or not. He's gone, and I love you. Those are two facts. But to go on forever, if you don't love me in quite that way, to go on working for you, because in truth I do work for you and not with you, especially now, to go on playing second fiddle forever, Isabella ' I can't One day I want to share your life with you, not exist on the fringe of it. I want to give you what there is of my life. I want to make you better and happier and stronger. I want to hear you laugh again. I want to share the victory of our collections and fabulous deals. I want to stand beside you as Alessandro grows up.

You will anyway.

Yes. He nodded simply. I will. As your husband or as your friend. But not as your employee.

I see. Then what you're saying is that either I marry you or you quit?

Eventually. But it could take a very long time ' if ' I thought there were hope. And then after a long pause, Is there?

But she was equally long to answer. I don't know. I have always loved you. But not in that way. I had Amadeo.

I understand. I always did. They sat in silence for a long time, watching the fire, each lost in thought, and gently once again he took her hand. He opened it, looked into the delicate, finely lined palm, and kissed it. She did not withdraw her hand, but with sad eyes she only watched him. He was special to her, and she loved him, but he wasn't Amadeo. He never would be ' never ' and as they sat there they both knew. He looked at her long and hard as he took his hand from hers. I was serious before. Would you like me to quit?

Because of tonight? She sounded tired and sad. It hadn't been a betrayal but it had been a loss. In a way she felt that she had just lost him as her friend. He wanted to be her lover. And there was no opening for the job.

Yes. Because of tonight. If I've made it impossible for you to exist with me at the office now, I'll go. Immediately if you like.

I don't like. That would be even more impossible, Nardo. I'd go under in a week.

You'd surprise yourself. You wouldn't. But is it what you'd prefer?

She shook her head honestly. No. But I don't know what to say to you about all this.

Then say nothing. And one day, if the time is ever right, a long time from now, I'll say it again. But please don't torment yourself or feel that this is hanging over your head. I won't leap out of doorways and take you in my arms. We've been friends for a long time. I don't want to lose that either. Suddenly she felt relieved. Perhaps she hadn't lost everything after all.

I'm glad, Nardo. I can't deal with an either-or situation at this point. I'm not ready. Maybe I never will be.

Yes, you will. But maybe never for me. I understand that too.

She looked at him with a tender smile and leaned slowly toward him to kiss his cheek. And when did you get so smart, Mister Franco?

I always was; you just never noticed.

Is that so? He was smiling and she was laughing, the whole atmosphere of the room had changed again.

Yes, that's so. I happen to be the genius around the office these days, or hadn't you noticed?

Not at all. And every morning when I look in the mirror and say, Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the genius of them all ' ?' But they were both laughing now and suddenly their faces were closer again and he could feel her soft breath on his cheek, and all he wanted to do was kiss her again, and he could see her mouth waiting for his, but this time he didn't do it, the moment pa.s.sed, and in embarra.s.sment Isabella laughed oddly, stood up, and walked away. No, it was not going to be easy at the office. They both knew that now.

Look what Luisa baked for Santa! On his soft sleeper-clad feet, he had approached unheard. But they looked up now to see Alessandro carrying two plates covered with gingerbread that he deposited carefully on a little stool he placed next to the fire. He looked at them soberly and then picked up one large warm piece of the gingerbread, which he rapidly ate. And then he disappeared again, having broken the painful spell.

Isabella' . He looked at her and smiled. Don't worry. She only patted his arm, and they exchanged a smile as Alessandro returned, uneasily carrying two mugs of milk.

Are you having a party or feeding Santa? Bernardo grinned at him and sat down again.

No. Nothing's for me.

All of that is for Santa? Bernardo watched him with a broad grin, but the boy's face grew slowly serious, and he shook his head. Is it for me? The head shook soberly again.

It's for Papa. In case ' the angels let him come home ' just for tonight. He looked again at the two places he had set near the fireplace and then kissed his mother and Bernardo good night. And five minutes later Bernardo left and Isabella went quietly to her room. It had been a very long night.

Chapter SEVEN.

How's the carousel holding up? Bernardo stretched his legs in front of him as he and Isabella ended a private conference at the end of a long day. It was three weeks after Christmas, and they had been doing nothing but work. But at last things seemed to be settling into a routine again. It had even been almost ten days since they'd had a good fight. And he hadn't mentioned his Christmas confession again. Isabella was relieved.

I think he likes it almost as much as your bike.

Has he broken any of the furniture with it yet?

No, but he's certainly trying. Yesterday he set himself a race course in the dining room and only knocked over five chairs. They laughed for a moment, and Isabella stood up and stretched. She was relieved that the holidays were over and she was pleased with the work they had done. With some effort they had both returned to their old relationship, and even Bernardo could see that she was in a peaceful mood. And then he saw her stiffen as she heard Amadeo's phone. Why are they ringing that office?

Maybe they couldn't get through to yours. He tried to underplay it, although for a moment it had startled him too. But they both knew that the men who cleared her phone calls sometimes tied up all the lines. Do you want me to get it?

No. It's all right. She walked quickly into Amadeo's office and was gone for only two minutes when Bernardo heard a scream. He ran in to find her white-faced and hysterical, with both hands to her mouth, staring at the phone.

What is it? But she didn't answer, and when she tried, all that came from her was a croak and then another scream. Isabella, tell me! He was holding her by both shoulders and shaking her as desperately he searched her eyes. What did they say? Was it something to do with Amadeo? Was it the same man? Isabella' . He was seriously considering slapping her as the guard who haunted her outer office rushed inside. Isabella!

Alessandro! ' They ' said ' they ' have him! ' She fell, sobbing, into Bernardo's arms as the guard ran frantically for the phone, dialing her home number, but he couldn't get through.

Call the police! Bernardo shouted over his shoulder as he grabbed her coat and her handbag and rushed her through her own office and out the door. We're going to the house. And then, stopping for a moment in the doorway, he looked hard at Isabella and held her by both arms. It's probably only cranks again. You know that, don't you? He's probably all right But all she could do was stare at him and shake her head frantically from side to side.

Was it the same voice, the same man? he asked.

She shook her head again. Bernardo motioned to the guard to follow him, and the three of them ran down all three flights of stairs and outside. They collected another guard on the way. Isabella's car was already waiting for her as it did at the end of every day. Enzo stared at them in confusion as the four of them hurtled into the car, one of the guards shoving Enzo aside as he slid over, taking command of the wheel.

Ma, che.' Enzo began, but one look at Isabella told him what he didn't want to know. Cosa c'e? What is it? Il bambino?