Through these Eyes Part 37

PAGE 183

Essay: Views on Awareness

"An individual who is not one with his inner core cannot hope to give of himself fully, for his mind encompa.s.ses only his life, and not life itself. "

VIEWS ON AWARENESS

The inevitable pa.s.sage of time, varying levels of maturity, and our life experiences are all elements which, in part, have the power to change our outlook on life and alter our personality; it is yet the mind, however, which fully determines our reaction. To ill.u.s.trate this point, allow me to create the following scenario; two women, both of whom enjoy a life of queenly leisure, are one day forced to face their husbands' untimely death, thereby obliterating a prime factor in their story book existence. One woman, quite distressed, solemnly prepares for her husband's funeral arrangements. After the initial shock of his sudden departure from the earth, she is able to settle into her daily routine once again.

The other woman, however, is completely unable to accept the solid truth that her husband is dead. She pines remorsefully through each day and wearies her friends with her incessant lamentations. So obsessed with the mourning of her late husband is she, that she eventually falls into deep depression and seeks the aid of a psychiatrist.

Thus we have seen two instances which have had numerous circ.u.mstances in common, yet the manner in which the women reacted to their misfortune was markedly different. This leads me to believe that an individual is essentially who he will ever be at birth, excluding, of course, those accidental occurrences which mar and sometimes obliterate certain abilities of both mind and body.

Despite my belief that a person will be essentially unchanged from his mental and behavioral patterns as determined at birth, there is within each individual a certain ability to change; however, the potential must be there. One cannot become someone or something for which he lacks all foundation.

That which allows an individual to overcome the reins of selfishness and base behavior, and to grow toward the best image of himself is awareness. It is the key to change and self-improvement, and through these qualities I believe it also sets one free.

Awareness is not easily given to definition, having so many variables which shroud its very essence in obscurity. It is more than one's perception of the world; it is also the ability of an individual to view himself with objectivity and in turn, understand the way in which he is visualized by others; it is seeing the world through an eagle's eyes, and conducting oneself in such a manner as to avoid injuring humankind; it is demonstrating respect to one's neighbors and a.s.sociates in a way which is conducive to nature's intent and societal congeniality. It is the ability to know when the time is right to voice one's opinions and when, also, to remain silent; it is restraining habits in the presence of others which are discourteous or distracting; it is conducting oneself in a manner respectful of himself and the whole of society, for without the benefit of the unselfish, the world could not exist.

Unlike other aspects of ability, awareness is not a factor which is easily determined. This is so because there is no scale by which to calculate awareness as there is in dealing with educational acuteness.

Moreover, awareness does not necessarily reflect intelligence; one can be extremely intelligent yet possess no sensitivity regarding his conduct. To further add to the confusion, everyone feels himself to be aware of his actions; while some undoubtedly control every aspect of their personality in public situations, others feel as if they are perceptive, but conduct themselves rather distastefully in the midst of others. Once alerted to their actions, they are able to alter their behavior. Still others continue to demonstrate highly irregular behavioral patterns even after candid instruction, for they feel their actions are in no way peculiar, and are not hesitant to say there is no reason for them to change. Then, of course, the true victims of insanity are not responsible for their actions, for reality has become distorted and vague; the same is true of mentally r.e.t.a.r.ded individuals.

Just as every human being has mental and physical potentials, so, I believe, do we have an "awareness potential." In all things there are degrees of performance and capabilities which are instilled within us long before birth; these seeds can sometimes lay dormant until, perhaps, the need arises for their use or they are, in effect, stumbled upon by their master. Though we may well attain our potential in a certain area, whether it be consciousness toward societal behavior or an inexplicable hatred for the mathematical language, there are other mental and physical arenas which are seemingly boundless in regard to one's capabilities; I tend to think of these as one's "natural gifts"

which apparently grow with little effort on the part of the individual thus endowed. We are not created equal in the mental, emotional, or physical sense; we do, however, excel in various facets of each. Thus, while its presence alone determines if one can change, the amount of one's awareness is the controlling factor of how much one can change.

Through observation and extensive thought, I have reached the conclusion that any obsessive self-indulgence or selfishness is merely a hollow attempt by the individual thus incensed to fill an emotional void. Self-love is quite separate from self-infatuation, with the latter lacking all objectivity in thinking because all thought is mirrored toward oneself. Selfishness is an insatiable hunger which consumes far too many individuals; as with all obsessive emotions, it feeds upon the imprisoned mind, destroying the love and replacing it with malignant desire, resulting in no less than hatred.

No one can read the mind of another, or delve therein for the truthfulness of his statements or actions. Only the individual knows whether he is giving his best or if selfishness is the controlling power behind all deeds. I do feel, however, that one who displays a knowledge of all restrictions and codes of conduct regarding another's rightful behavior toward himself is also capable of returning respect and cordiality, for obviously he is aware of societal expectations.

When a person is aware of his faults but makes no effort to change, he is a leech upon society which drains others of their rightly earned freedoms, whether as simple as desiring a yard bereft of dog litter or the wish for tranquillity, or as significant as the right to security and peace within the home. He who takes from society without returning something of himself gains the regard of no one. One determines the way in which he shall be treated by his self-conduct; respect begets respect.

The person who indulges in selfishness is a most distressing companion; he demands rather than asks, and will not take "no" for an answer; he is opinionated and short-sighted, seeing only the effects a certain measure will have upon his own welfare; he feels he knows everything, and will be pleased to fill one in; if he listens, he will misconstrue the information or turn it around to suit himself. One unwilling to change himself looks only to his own needs; he is unable to release his child-like mentality for fear that he shall not receive "his share"; riding abreast of laziness, rebellion, resentment, or another usually child-like mode of behavior, he locks himself in a prison which he himself built. Indeed, he would be pitied if he was not so abhorred; yet it is unfair to expect a share of the harvest if one has not also planted seed in the field. Thus instead of attempting to discover the true problem behind his emptiness, the self-centered individual often ignores his mind's plea for help and tries to fulfill himself through that which others will give, creating a most devastating hindrance toward personal growth.

One must develop his mind to the point that he can love and accept himself, and regard his flaws not as hopeless, but rather, attributes which, with growth, will be overcome. Only through undiluted awareness can one develop wholeness of character. An individual who is not one with his inner core cannot hope to give of himself fully, for his mind encompa.s.ses only his life, and not life itself.

While awareness allows one to discover his faults, honesty clarifies them. Looking into one's own character can be unpleasant and even distressing, for there is no one who does not wish to erase certain mindless inclinations and base emotions from his personality slate.

However, without the initial realization and acceptance of such faults, no reversal shall take place. It is through these confessions to oneself that one is able to grow and eventually change into a being more worthy of his own existence in the realm of nature. I view honesty as a product of love. Therefore, honesty toward oneself must be of utmost importance in the development of self-love and the creation of inner wholeness. In this scope, perhaps it could be said that irrationality is an attempt to "mask" selfishness, for few who act toward the benefit of humanity will inflict upon it needless pain. For the most part, only thoughtlessness proves injurious to the ma.s.ses.

Just as it is important to nurture one's character, so is it imperative to see the whole character and weed from it that which desires to choke and plague its life and surrounding lives.

I believe that each individual desires to be liked by his fellow man and have a sense of "belonging" . . . (although certain individuals so desire companionship that they succ.u.mb to the notions of others and rob themselves of a personality). They want to possess a feeling of individuality, and be accepted for who they are and wish to become.

Far from perfect, I realize that I could use an infinite amount of improvement within my character, and despite the menacing flaws which I must face, I feel quite fortunate to be able to acknowledge them, for without detection, they could not be overcome. I hope that I will grow in strength and love until I no longer live, for when inner growth stagnates, one essentially dies.

Soul's Voyage

Alone, I observe In the eerie glow The earth-bound voyage Of falling snow.

The trees are all clad In angelic white...

Such calm I find On this midwinter's night!

Framed by the door, 'Twas the picture of peace And earnestly beckoned My soul to release That I might lose myself In night's deepest confines, Ne'er to return To life's dismal design.

My heart would not yearn, Nor would it pine For a life that was lost To one more divine.

Ah, but alas!

And how the night flies From dawn's icy fingers And wind's bitter cries!

'Twas naught but a dream: The night gone by When moonbeam rays Kissed snow-drenched skies!

Ah, cruel memory!

Disparaging blow!

For my hopes are consumed 'Neath the deepening snow.

Lauren Isaacson January 1981

PAGE 187

Chapter 24 Interlude

"Owning a healthy sense of self-worth was not immodesty but protection against vulnerability. "

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Interlude

Jan.--Feb. 1981... I am a loner, used to spending time alone ...

I dislike a lot of contact...

....I am a listener, although not always by choice...

....I think a lot... contemplate life (and) death. Is there such a thing as thinking too much?