Three Months of My Life Part 3

SEPTEMBER 11th.--Marched to Dargwal, twelve miles, up hill all the way, but the road is broad and smooth, so that the march was quickly and easily accomplished. M---- and his wife did not come in till the middle of the day as they could not get coolies in time to start early. There is a good furnished bungalow here, our other fellow travellers have gone on to Murree, so we have the house to ourselves.

SEPTEMBER 12th.--To Murree, ten miles, road the same as yesterday. Went to Woodcot, and found Spurgeon, Gordon, and Egerton, of the 36th; Hensma and Beadnell, 77th; and Dalrymple, 88th. Put up with them sharing Spurgeon's room. Spent a pleasant time at Murree, doing very little--a long rest of ten days after my labours--and on the 22nd, at 1 o'clock, I took my seat in the mail cart with Redan Ma.s.sy for my companion, and started on my journey to Peshawur. Arrived at Rawul Birder at 6 in the evening, and went on at once by the Government van. Had no time for food. Got to Peshawur at 7 o'clock next morning, and thus ended my three months sick leave. And now I go back to the din and bustle of life, the empty conventionalities of society, the noise and glitter of mess; to the re-pursuit of my profession, and to learn again by the bedside of many a dying man how weak and powerless is that profession to combat the ills that flesh is heir to. I sometimes wish I could exchange my present calling. Terrible thoughts often a.s.sail me, after the death of any of my patients. Questions as to whether I am at all responsible for the fatal issue. Whether by lack of knowledge that I should possess or by careless observation during the progress of the disease, I have allowed a man to die who might have been saved, or pushed into the grave one who was only trembling with uncertainty upon its brink. Yet as a set off against these feelings there is the satisfaction experienced when sufferings are relieved or health restored by the interposition of my aid. The profession of medicine is potent for good and evil. For good in the hands of him who makes it his lifelong study; for evil in his hands who adopts it merely as a respectable means of obtaining his livelihood. It is n.o.ble in the one case; detestable in the other. You do not know how detestable. If the vail could be raised, if you could see the vast amount of misery and suffering caused, the many hearts broken that G.o.d would not have made sad; and the many unprepared souls hurried out of this life into eternity by the ignorance of men who are "licensed to kill," you would cry out against the whole body of the profession with a bitter hatred, that even the army of n.o.ble and devoted minds amongst us would be unable to appease. Am I too severe? I fear not. There are charlatans and know nothings in every pursuit, but in mine they effect so seriously the temporal and may be eternal welfare of mankind that their existence is awful to contemplate. Shall I, in conclusion, write an apology for having nothing better than the foregoing to offer for your perusal "devil a bit." If I have written folly and you have read it all, why, you are the greater simpleton. To me it was an occupation when I had nothing better to do, on your part it was a foolish waste of time, which might have been more profitably employed. If I have written folly and you have _not_ read it, what necessity is there for me to apologize to you? If I have written sense and you consider it nonsense, you owe me an apology for your erroneous opinion. But if I have written sense and you have derived pleasure from the perusal of it, then we are both content, and I need neither forefend your criticism nor beg your excuses. Thus then I have proved that though it may possibly be necessary for you to apologize to me, it cannot under any circ.u.mstance be needful for me to apologize to you. But there is a small cla.s.s to whom the above remarks do not apply. I mean those few who I delight to think will read my book diligently and admiringly, merely because _I_ wrote it. Whose judgment is warped by their affection, and who will be unconscious of the weary yawn my pages may often produce. Shall I apologize to them? No! let them read, let them yawn; T'is a labour of love on their part, a labour which _love_ has prepared for them--and for them alone--or mine.

And now farewell. May your shadow _never_ grow less! May you live for a thousand years.

HAZOR SALAAM.

JANUARY 16th, 1869.--If these notes should ever be written out by my relations after my death--for I am now like to die, let me beg that the many mistakes in spelling, consequent upon the hurry and roughness of the writing, may by corrected and not set down to ignorance.

LIST OF SUBSCRIBERS.

Prince Frederic of Schleswig Holstein.

His Excellency Lieut.-General E. Frome, R.E., Governor of Guernsey.

Sir P. Stafford Carey, Bailiff of Guernsey.

Edgar MacCulloch, Esq., Lieutenant-Bailiff.

William Wallace Armstrong, Esq., San Francisco. A.B.

Mrs. Boucaut, Guernsey.

General Sir George Brooke, K.C.B., R.H.A.

Lieut.-Col. H.J. Buchanan, 2-9th Regiment.

Major Henry L. Brownrigg, 84th Regiment.

Henry S.R. Bagenal, Esq., Control Department.

Captain George P. Beamish, 36th Regiment.

Mr. George Beedle, Quarter-Master 6th Regiment.

A. Brown, Esq., National Provincial Bank of England.

J. P. Bainbrigge, Esq., Bank of England, Liverpool.

J. Banckes, Esq., Shipwrecked Mariners' Society.

Mrs. Crawford, Guernsey.

Mrs. Cunnynghame, Edinburgh.

W. Collins, Esq., M.D., Scots Fusilier Guards.

Mrs. Cave, Hartley Whitney, Hants.

Captain G. Collis, 6th Regiment.

Colonel Conran, Fitzroy, Melbourne.

H. Couling, Esq., Brighton.

H. Cuppaidge, Esq.

Miss Dugdale, 75, Gloucester Terrace, Hyde Park, W.

Miss E. Donne, Grove Terrace Highgate.

Miss Donne, Salisbury.

James D'Altera, Esq., M.D.

James Deane, Esq., Queenstown, Cork.

W.G. Don, Esq., M.D.

Dr. Drewitt, Wimborne, Dorset.

Dr. Dudfield, 8, Upper Phillimore Place, Kensington, W.

B. De Marylski, Esq., Royal Artillery.

Captain P. De Saumarez, Guernsey.

Captain D.K. Evans, 6th Regiment.

Mrs. W. Foster, 7, Lower Berkeley Street, London.

Mrs. E. Foster, 10, Chester Terrace, Regent's Park.

Mrs. Feilden, Isle of Herm.

Major-Gen. Sampson Freeth, late Royal Engineers.

Major-Gen. James H. Freeth, late Royal Engineers.

Colonel Foster, late 16th Lancers.

The Rev. W. Foran, Guernsey.

Walter Freeth Esq., Croydon.

Henry Foster Esq., Victoria Road, Kensington.

Patterson Foster, Esq.

Kingsly, O. Foster, Esq.

Mrs. F.W. Gosselin, Guernsey.

Rev. F. Giffard, The Vicarage, Hartley Wintney.

John C. Guerin, Esq., Guernsey.

S.M. Gully, Esq., 9th Regiment.

F.L. Grundy, Esq., 6th Regiment.

M. Garnier, Guernsey.

Mrs. Horridge.

Lieut.-Col. Fitzwilliam Hunter, 36th Regiment.

T. Holmes, Esq., 18, Great c.u.mberland Place, Hyde Park.

Captain J.B. Hopkins, 6th Regiment.

Reginald Hollingworth, Esq., late 77th Regiment.

T. Husband, Esq., 34, Argyle Road, Kensington.

Charles Hogge, Esq., 6th Regiment.

In Memoriam.

Miss B.S.H. Coventry Jeffery.

Captain A.H. Josselyn, 9th Regiment.

J.W. Jones, Esq., 5th Dragoon Guards.

The Rev. Charles Kingsley, M.A.

Mr. J. Kenwood, Hartley Wintney.

Mrs. Le Marchant Thomas Le Marchant, Guernsey.

Miss Lefebvre, Guernsey.

Mrs. La Serre, Guernsey.

Sir T. Galbraith Logan, K.C.B., Director General.

Thomas Lacy, Esq., Guernsey.

Major R.B. Lloyd, 36th Regiment.

"Library," Officers, 36th Regiment.

Mr. Thomas Lenfestey, Guernsey.

Mrs. MacPherson, Guernsey.

Mrs. Mogg, Clifton.

Mrs. Peter Martin, Guernsey.

Mrs. Myers, Guernsey.

A.D. MacGregor, Esq., Guernsey.

Capt. A.E. Morgan, late 71st Highland Lt. Inf.

Captain J.W. Ma.s.sey, 9th Regiment.

J.W. Morgan, Esq., 6th Regiment.

James E. Macdonnel, Esq., 9th Regiment.

W.H. Marriot, Esq., 36th Regiment.