Three Hours after Marriage Part 15

_Town._ Your insolence is insupportable. 'Twas but this moment you suspected my virtue; and now my complexion. Put on your spectacles. No red was ever laid upon these cheeks. I'll fly thee, and die a maid, rather than live under the same roof with jealousy and caprice.

_Foss._ O thou spotless innocence! I cannot refrain tears of joy.

Forgive me, and I'll tell thee all. These drops have been a secret in our family for many years. They are call'd the touch-stone of virginity.

The males administer it to the brides on their wedding-day; and by its virtue have ascertain'd the honour of the Fossiles from generation to generation. There are family customs, which it is almost impious to neglect.

_Town._ Had you married a person of doubtful reputation----But me, Mr.

Fossile!

_Foss._ I did not indeed suspect thee. But my mother obliged me to this experiment with her dying words--My wife is chaste: And to preserve her so, 'tis necessary that I have none but chaste servants about her. I'll make the experiment on all my female domesticks. [_aside._] I will now, my dear, in thy presence, put all my family to the trial. Here! bid my niece, and all the maid-servants come before me.

[_Calling out._

_Enter Clinket, Prue, and Servants._

Give ear, all ye virgins: We make proclamation in the name of the chaste Diana, being resolv'd to make a solemn essay of the virtue, virginity, and chast.i.ty of all within our walls. We therefore advise, warn and precaution all spinsters, who know themselves blemish'd, not on any pretence whatsoever to taste these our drops, which will manifest their shame to the world by visible tokens.

_Clink._ I abominate all kind of drops. They interrupt the series of ideas. But have the any power over the virgin's dreams, thoughts, and private meditations?

_Foss._ No. They do not affect the _motus Primo-primi_, or intentions; only actualities, niece.

_Clink._ Then give it me. I can drink as freely of it as of the waters of Helicon. My love was always Platonick.

[_drinks._

_Foss._ Yet I have known a Platonick lady lodge at a mid wife's.

[_Fossile offers it round._]

1st _Wom._ I never take physick.

_Foss._ That's one. Stand there. My niece professes herself a Platonick.

You are rather a Cartesian.

_Clink._ Ah dear uncle! how do the Platonicks and Cartesians differ.

_Foss._ The Platonicks are for idea's, the Cartesians for matter and motion.

_Town._ Mr. Fossile, you are too severe.

2d _Wom._ I am not a-dry.

[_curtsies._

_Foss._ There's two. Stand there.

_Prue._ My mistress can answer for me. She has taken it.

_Foss._ She has. But however stand there, among the Cartesians.

3d _Wom._ My innocence would protect me, though I trod over red-hot iron. Give me a brimmer.

[_She takes a mouthful and spits it out again._]

_Foss._ 'Twas a presumptuous thing to gargle with it: but however, madam, if you please----walk among the Cartesians.

[_Two young wenches run away._

_Clink._ Prue, follow me. I have just found a rhime for my Pindarick.

[_They all sneak off._

_Fos._ All gone! what no more ladies here? no more ladies! [_looking to the audience,_] O that I had but a boarding-school, or a middle gallery!

_Enter Sarsnet, follow'd by two porters bearing a chest._

Set down the things here: there is no occasion for carrying them up stairs, since they are to be sent into the country to morrow.

[_Exit porters._

What have I done? My marriage, these confounded whimsies, and doctor Lubomirski, have made me quite forget poor lady Hippokekoana. She was in convulsions, and I am afraid dead by this time.

[_Exit Fossile._

_Sars._ I have brought you a present, madam, make good use of it. So I leave you together.

[_Exit Sarsnet._

[_Townley opens the chest: Plotwell, who was cover'd with a gown and petticoat, gets out._]

_Town._ Never was any thing so lucky. The doctor is just this minute gone to a patient.

_Plot._ I tempt dangers enough in your service. I am almost crippled in this chest-adventure. Oh my knees! Prithee, my dear, lead me to a bed where I may strech myself out.

[_Leading her off._

Enter SARSNET.

_Sars._ Oh madam! yonder is the doctor in deep discourse with Underplot: I fear he has dogg'd me, and betray'd us. The are both coming back together.

[_Exit Sarsnet._

_Plot._ I'll shrink snug into my sh.e.l.l again.