Three Hats Part 5

TILLY (entering, L. U. E.). A gentleman, miss, says he wants to see Mr Selwyn.

GRACE. It must be Captain Katskill! Ask him to come in!

(Exit TILLY, L. U. E.) How my heart beats! (Re-enter TILLY with BLITHERS.) It's _not_ Corney! (BLITHERS is a doddering old gentleman of bland manners, reddish sandy hair, very short and standing up all over his head; also big whiskers; in his hand he carries a fashionable hat, evidently not his own. He speaks throughout in the blandest tones; he wears enormous boots built expressly to suit a sufferer from bunions.)

BLITH. Oh! I beg pardon, miss, but I believe Mr.--(looking inside hat)--Selwyn lives here?

GRACE. My father, sir. If you will take a seat I will call him. (BLITHERS bows grotesquely and sits, L. Exit GRACE, R. U. E.)

BLITH. A nice little girl! (A card falls from his pocket as he pulls out handkerchief.) Bother it! I have forgotten my wife's instructions again! "Always give your card to the servant when you make a call," says Susan, "it's etiquette and it's likely to bring business." She always sees I have plenty of cards in my pocket, but I mostly forget to give them. (Looking at card.) Bos...o...b..ithers, professor of penmanship and author of "_Pot-hooks and Hangers_." I had better drop a few about. (He places cards on table, mantelpiece, etc., etc., then comes down and sits on edge of chair.) This Mr. Selwyn must be pretty well off to judge by his place here and his hat. He left it at Mr. Dobbinson's while I was giving the juvenile Dobbinson's their writing lesson, and so I was forced to put on his or return bareheaded. (Puts on hat which is too small for him, and looks in gla.s.s, C.)

Enter DIBBS quickly.

DIBBS. Couldn't get missus's "_Iced Weep_" at any price.

I daresay they won't keep in this hot weather. Who's the venerable party?

BLITH. (noting DIBBS and taking off hat). Oh, I beg pardon!

DIBBS. Waiting for the governor, mister?

BLITH. Yes, Mr. (looks in hat)--Mr. Selwyn!

DIBBS (aside). Whew! Suppose this should be that Tompkins, the owner of the hat! The parlor-maid opened the door to you, eh, sir?

BLITH. Yes, I presume so. She said I should find Mr. (looking in hat)--Selwyn in this room.

DIBBS. That's where she's wrong! The governor has gone out!

BLITH. I'm sorry!

DIBBS. He may not be back for some time; if you were to drop in again, in a week or two perhaps?

BLITH. Pardon me, young man, but Mr. Selwyn's daughter just told me her father _was_ at home!

DIBBS (aside). The devil she did? That's a doubler-up for master! (He strikes forehead and paces up and down.)

BLITH. (watching DIBBS). A somewhat eccentric domestic!

DIBBS (aside). I've got it! Hurrah! I'll frighten the old bird! (Rings bell. Enter TILLY, L. U. E.) Where are master's pistols, and did they send the new swords that were ordered yesterday? (Aside.) Say, yes.

TILLY (puzzled). Ye-es!

TILLY. Then put them in the armory with the other deadly weapons? Have the forty score of ball cartridges come? (Aside.) Say, yes!

TILLY. Yes-es.

DIBBS. Put them in the ammunition room handy, for Mr.

Selwyn will want them all this week.

TILLY. Poor boy! Love turns his brain, I ought not to have been so cruel to him!

(Exit, L. U. E.

BLITH. (puzzled). Mr. Selwyn seems to be fond of firearms!

DIBBS. Fond of 'em! He always has something dangerous about him, reckons himself the best shot in these parts; he's obliged to be for he _never_ apologises; if anybody calls for satisfaction (pointing at BLITHERS, who is alarmed) bang! he drops 'em!

BLITH. (aside). A nice amiable employer! (Aloud). I don't see what all this has to do with me!

DIBBS (aside). He's a determined old dog!

Enter SELWYN, R. U. E.

SEL. (up stage). Dibbs! (Seeing BLITHERS.) A visitor?

DIBBS (aside to SELWYN). It's the hat man!

SEL. (nervously). I told you not to admit anyone!

DIBBS (aside to SELWYN). It was Tilly did it! Be careful, sir, he's not to be trifled with! Beware, sir, beware!

(Exit DIBBS, L. U. E.

SEL. (aside). I would give a wagon load of gold watches to be somebody else this minute!

BLITH. (ceremoniously). I have the honor to address Mr.

Selwyn?

SEL. Yes--es! (Aside.) I don't like his eye!

BLITH. I have merely called for a little explanation----

SEL. (aside and looking off). If my wife comes now I'm done for!

BLITH. (aside). He seems to take no notice! (Louder.) Sir, I have called for the purpose----

SEL. Hush! Not so loud!

BLITH. I beg pardon. (Aside.) Somebody ill, I suppose.

(Aloud.) There has been a little misunderstanding about a hat----

SEL. (looking off). My wife! It's all over! (He collapses.)

Enter MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.

MRS. S. Oh! I beg pardon! I thought you were alone.

SEL. (confused). So I am--no, I mean--I wish I were!