Three Hats Part 14

BLITH. I never knew a man termed an heirloom before!

SEL. I am speaking of your hat.

BLITH. Oh! I was referring to Fred.

SEL. Fred!

BLITH. The poor child has opened her heart to me--and says she has written to him, asking him to seek me out, but he seems to deny all knowledge of the letters.

SEL. The letters? (A suspicion crossing his mind.)

BLITH. The messenger says he gave them to a servant here.

(Goes, L.)

Enter DIBBS.

SEL. (aside). Messenger! Letters! It is getting worse and worse! This Tompkins must be the father of the girl Lottie who wrote to me!

DIBBS (re-entering, C.). No signs, sir!

BLITH. (to DIBBS). Oh! Do you know anything, young man, of any letters left here to-day? (DIBBS looks across at SELWYN, who is making signs to him.)

BLITH. Why don't you listen?

DIBBS. The master was making signs----

SEL. (angrily). Making signs! I? (Makes more signs.) Bosh!

BLITH. The letters were addressed to Mr. Frederick Bellamy and came from a young lady----

SEL. (aside). More proof! This _must_ be my incognita's parent!

DIBBS. Oh! Yes! I took them in right enough! (To SELWYN, who continues to gesticulate.) What's the matter, sir? Is it _fits_ coming on?

SEL. (aside). I should like to strangle him!

BLITH. (to DIBBS). What did you do with them?

DIBBS (pointing to SELWYN). I gave them to the governor!

SEL. To me!! (Aside.) Get out, or I will discharge you!

DIBBS (aside). More of it! This is a good-tempered family!

(Exit, L. U. E.)

BLITH. (to SELWYN). Then _you_ must have opened them?

SEL. Not exactly--but of course----(embarra.s.sed.)

BLITH. Not that it will matter now the wedding is so soon to come off!

SEL. (aside). He thinks I can marry his daughter!

BLITH. I shall be glad to see her settled!

SEL. (aside). He will see me settled soon! (Aloud.) Would you mind stepping into the library?--we can continue our explanation there. (Aside.) Anything to prevent his meeting my wife!

BLITH. Certainly! (Exeunt SELWYN and BLITHERS, R. 2 E.)

Enter FRED, with pistol case; he puts hat on table, L.

FRED. I couldn't get any good swords, but my friend Dawkins has lent me a couple of capital pistols. As I was the challenged party I have the choice of weapons. By Jove! I will do a little practicing before the gla.s.s to see if my hand's steady.

(Exit FRED into his room, L. 2 E.

Enter MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.

MRS. S. From an upper window I just observed Sam cross the road and come sneaking into his own house with blue spectacles on! Why? There's a mystery in the air that I mean to fathom--for the wife who would allow her husband to have a secret all to himself does not deserve to have a mother to instruct her in the wicked ways of the male s.e.x in general, and married men in particular! (Sits, R.)

Enter GRACE, L. U. E.

GRACE. Oh! mamma, something dreadful is going to happen through that awful quarrel! Dibbs is polishing up two swords and whistling the "Dead March in Saul" in a way that makes my blood run cold! (Sits on sofa.)

MRS. S. _He's_ in it, too! Only let a man make up his mind to deceive his wife--and everything masculine from a boy in b.u.t.tons to a Judge on the bench will lend him a hand! They are _all_ in the swim, and they know it! My child, it would be far better for you to give up this idea of wedded bliss!

GRACE. I know, mamma, everybody knows--marriage is a lottery.

MRS. S. For the men--yes! but for the women--no! You can't call a thing a lottery when there are _no_ prizes at all; it then becomes a mere swindle!

GRACE. Oh, mamma! You always go on like this when papa grumbles at your bonnet bill.

Enter DIBBS quickly, with card, L. U. E.

DIBBS. Oh, sir, here's the young lady!--(putting card behind him and giving little whistle.) Whew!--the missus!

MRS. S. What? (To GRACE.) Go to your room, Grace; I want to talk to Dibbs.

(Exit GRACE, R. 2 E.

MRS. S. Now, Dibbs, what is that in your hand?

DIBBS. Nothing, mum. (Producing hand from behind back, empty.)

MRS. S. The other one?

DIBBS (pa.s.sing card from hand to hand behind him). Same, mum!

MRS. S. Both together! (Business, etc.) Ah! I thought so!