This Day All Gods Die Part 72

In the end Warden had put a stop to it.

Through a blur of tears, she found her way to a seat in front of her terminal. Her hands shook as she tapped keys to access his last message. Hugging herself to contain her distress, she picked his words out of the phosphors on her readout.

Two days ago he'd written: WARDEN D DIOS TO M MORN H HYLAND:Morn, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to talk to you in person. There's so much I want to say, and I have only a few minutes left. This message will suffice because it must.Most importantly, I want to a.s.sure you that it wasn't personal. I didn't pick you for your ordeal because of who you are. I picked you because you were available at the right time-aboard Bright Beauty Bright Beauty, in Angus' power, when I needed you both. I would have used any UMCP officer in your position. Then I simply prayed that you would find it in yourself to meet the challenge I'd placed in front of you.And you did. You did everything I could have asked for-if I'd had the right-and far more. First you raised the stakes beyond anything I dared imagine. You went to Enablement, gave Davies birth-and brought Calm Horizons Calm Horizons down on my head. My fault, of course. You're completely blameless. My only point is that my plans went awry there. Events became too great for me to manage them down on my head. My fault, of course. You're completely blameless. My only point is that my plans went awry there. Events became too great for me to manage them.But you managed them for me. As the stakes went up, you grew to meet them. You took a problem that I would have called unequivocally insoluble, and you dealt with it.Don't sell yourself short about this, Morn. Don't tell yourself that Angus did the real work, or Davies took the real risks, or Min held the real authority. You You dealt with it. You kept Davies alive. You freed Angus from his priority-codes when Holt forced me to betray you. You commandeered dealt with it. You kept Davies alive. You freed Angus from his priority-codes when Holt forced me to betray you. You commandeered Punisher Punisher and came to Earth in the only way that allowed humankind to survive my mistakes and came to Earth in the only way that allowed humankind to survive my mistakes.I didn't hear it, but I'm sure your testimony before the Council changed everything.Do you understand what I'm saying? I didn't pick you because of who you are. I'm not wise enough. You picked yourself. Or perhaps I should say that you picked yourself up after I'd hit you hard enough and often enough to pulverize a concrete bunker. You picked yourself up and became more than any man or woman I've ever known.In the end humanity's future depends more on individuals like you than it does on any organization like the GCES-or the UMCP.

Sobs rose in her chest before she finished reading. Hungry for comfort, she hugged herself the same way her father had held her when he'd told her about her mother's death.

And tell her I told him to say good-bye.

Angus had suggested this?

Straining against her grief, she finished Warden's message.

I don't really know you, Morn. I can't begin to guess how much pain and fear you've borne, or what they cost you. But I knew Davies and Bryony Hyland well. You were raised by two fine UMCP officers. Most of your family served with courage, distinction, and honor. And I suspect you've always thought you were unworthy of them.The tragedy of your gap-sickness must have hurt you terribly. You may have imagined that it demonstrated your unworth. But your parents would have grieved over your illness, not condemned you for it. And I'm sure they would have been desperately proud of you.As I am.Morn Hyland, you saved my dreams for what the cops should be.I hope you'll give yourself a chance to heal. Min will help you as much as she can. So will Koina.Whatever you do, you have my blessing.FarewellMessage ends.

There her last restraint broke, and a storm of tears swept through her; carried her out of herself into shattering and unanswerable sorrow. Wailing like a child, deserted and bereft, she battered her hands on the board of her data terminal; pounded on her upper arms and thighs. For her this was the reality of being human and mortal, undefended by zone implants: utter pain; the opposite end of the universe from the clarity of gap-sickness. Sobs poured from her so hard that they seemed to tear her throat; seemed to cramp the muscles of her chest like spasms of nausea.

She wept for her parents and family. She wept for what Angus had done to her-and for the cowardice of accepting her zone implant control from him. She wept for the lies she'd used to manipulate Nick Succorso. She wept over the way Davies had been made to suffer by Nick's justified outrage; wept over Angus' welding. She wept for Mikka's grim courage and Min's determination. Finally she wept for the dead: for poor Sib Mackern, frightened and abandoned, whose self-sacrifice had helped protect them in the asteroid swarm; for calm, lonely Vector Shaheed, the "savior of humankind"; for Ciro Vasaczk, following Sorus Chatelaine's example to its conclusion; and for Warden Dios, the last UMCP director, who had used Morn to preserve humankind's future-and died proud of her.

She cried for a long time.

But when the storm finally receded, she found that she understood something she'd never grasped before.

She could bear it. She sufficed. Because she must.

Almost tottering in the aftermath of so many tears, she went into the san to clean her face. Instead of washing it, however, she immersed her head in vacuum-chilled water and let the cold baptize her until the sting had brought her back into her body; restored her relationship with herself. While she dried her hair, she stared at her reflection in the mirror as if she wanted to memorize her own face; confirm that it was hers.

Eventually she discovered that she could look herself in the eyes.

Once her hair was dry, she put on a fresh shipsuit. Then she unlocked her doors and went out to meet the future.

HASHI.

CONCLUSIONS:.

EXTRACTS FROM.

THE PRIVATE JOURNALS.

OF HASHI LEBWOHL,.

DIRECTOR, DATA ACQUISITION.

UNITED MINING COMPANIES POLICE.

[This extract is dated three days after Hashi Lebwohl's reinstatement as director of Data Acquisition.

The designation "United Mining Companies Police" is code residue.

The name of the organization had been changed: the UMCP was now the s.p.a.ce Defense Police.

However, many months pa.s.sed before all levels of SDPHQ's computer systems were amended to reflect the change.]

... a remarkable occasion in several ways.

Certainly it was remarkable that our esteemed Governing Council for Earth and s.p.a.ce, as righteous as it is august, saw fit to restore me to my former duties. I had not expected so much forbearance. I suspected that the GCES would require a scapegoat. In the absence of the most obvious candidates Warden Dios and the great worm and in view of Maxim Igensard's manifest inadequacy to the burden, I considered it likely that I would be selected....

No doubt the reasons cited were to some extent sincere. It is common knowledge that Director Donner argued for my reinstatement. And it is also known that the last message she received from Warden Dios urged her to do so. However, I am confident that the primary motivation behind my public "forgiveness" was and is concern for the functional-as distinct from the ethical-integrity of the new s.p.a.ce Defense Police. The Members fear a preemptive strike from the Amnion, an attempt to cripple our defenses before we can disseminate our antimutagen and attack them. them. Therefore my experience and knowledge have been allowed to outweigh any inaccuracies which might be laid to my charge. Therefore my experience and knowledge have been allowed to outweigh any inaccuracies which might be laid to my charge.

Put more cynically, the Members fear that Min Donner is too honest and direct to oppose the Amnion effectively. They believe they need a man with my reputedly imprecise scruples.

... remarkable also was the Council's vote to pardon Warden Dios. I was gladdened by it, although it does little to palliate my sense of loss. In my view, it would be right and just to honor him as both hero and martyr. Few among us would have enjoyed the fate Holt Fasner prepared for us. I believed, however, that his self-sacrifice would be met by more resentment. His actions reminded the Members in the most overt and humiliating way of their own failure as humanity's representatives. Therefore they would seek to diminish him so that they could think better of themselves....

... apparently Abrim Len declined to permit it. There is another remarkable aspect of the session: the clarity and unity which President Len forged from the collapse of Holt Fasner's power. I had not guessed that he could conjure so much toughness past the veil of his characteristic conciliation.

Nevertheless, from my own perspective one event was more remarkable than all the others-remarkable, at least, in the sense that I am positively unwilling to forgo remarking on it. That was young Davies Hyland's behavior toward me.

For two days between his arrival on-station and his appearance before the GCES, his actions were scrupulously correct. He answered questions as circ.u.mstances required-princ.i.p.ally regarding Morn Hyland and Captain Thermopyle-but of himself he revealed nothing. Nor did he hint at any personal emotions concerning me while he addressed the Council. Yet when the session had reached its conclusion, young Davies approached me. In full view of all the Members and their retinues, he struck me a blow which broke the left side of my jaw in three places.

"That's for Angus," he informed me. "He wanted to do it himself. But he was afraid you would fry his brain."

Which in fact I could have done-but would not. It is not my custom to destroy my tools when they have served their purpose. Captain Scroyle and Free Lunch Free Lunch are an exception which I regret deeply.... Unlike Warden, I err when I attempt to direct the quantum mechanics of events. are an exception which I regret deeply.... Unlike Warden, I err when I attempt to direct the quantum mechanics of events.

Young Davies has caused me no small measure of inconvenience. Sadly, I could not prefer charges against him, even if I wished to do so. He is proof against me-immunized, as it were, by the privileges conferred by the Emblem of Honor.

... I am forced to type this record, rather than dictate it in my accustomed fashion. My mandible has not yet healed enough to let me speak without pain. Indeed, I can hardly swallow liquids without acute discomfort.

Pain, I find, is a wonderful aid to concentration.

... "complete probity," forsooth. I confess that I was surprised-and gratified-by Warden's support when I first read of it in his last transmission to Director Donner. He spoke thus of a man who had understood him ill enough to endanger his deepest desires before they could bear fruit. I am forced to think that Warden was able to forgive me in the end. Or that he considered my subsequent service an acceptable form of rest.i.tution.

I prefer the latter. It salves the quality of ego or dedication which functions as my conscience. However, I fear that the former lies nearer the truth-ambiguous though that concept may be. I have read widely in his personal records, journals not unlike my own. His last message to me supplied the codes which have allowed me to unlock his files. And the picture of him that emerges humbles me in ways I do not like and cannot answer....

... his records paint him as a man who condemns himself so severely that he judges no one else. Literally no one- no one- not even the great worm in his lair. He does not fault the Dragon. He faults himself for his failure to comprehend and counter the Dragon's essential nature from the beginning. He faults himself for the naivete or misunderstanding which left him no means except complicity to correct his mistakes. It was an unrelieved self-judgment which compelled him to make use of Morn Hyland and Captain Thermopyle as he did-and then to stew in anguish over the sufferings he exacted from them. Decision after decision, he exacerbated his own accusations against himself until they became great enough to topple the man truly responsible for them.... not even the great worm in his lair. He does not fault the Dragon. He faults himself for his failure to comprehend and counter the Dragon's essential nature from the beginning. He faults himself for the naivete or misunderstanding which left him no means except complicity to correct his mistakes. It was an unrelieved self-judgment which compelled him to make use of Morn Hyland and Captain Thermopyle as he did-and then to stew in anguish over the sufferings he exacted from them. Decision after decision, he exacerbated his own accusations against himself until they became great enough to topple the man truly responsible for them....

If shame on such a scale is "truth," then I will gladly spend my days in the universe of mere fact.

But his last message did more than supply me with his codes. Although he was about to die by his own hand, he troubled himself to rea.s.sure me.

I trust you, Hashi, he wrote. Don't think otherwise. I trust you as much as I do Min or Koina-in some ways more. Together, the three of you have everything I have-and everything I lack. I couldn't have beaten Holt without you Don't think otherwise. I trust you as much as I do Min or Koina-in some ways more. Together, the three of you have everything I have-and everything I lack. I couldn't have beaten Holt without you.

Then he added, Take care of Min for me. Her disdain for ambiguity is a great strength, and a dangerous weakness. The truth is usually messier than she thinks it is. Make her listen to you. Trust your own point of view. And Take care of Min for me. Her disdain for ambiguity is a great strength, and a dangerous weakness. The truth is usually messier than she thinks it is. Make her listen to you. Trust your own point of view. And back her up back her up when she doesn't take your advice when she doesn't take your advice.

She did that for me. As you did. And she'll need you as much as I ever did.

Curious proposition. I would grieve over it-and for the man who conceived it-if I found it less intriguing. In what sense can it be avowed that the human species, as well as Min Donner, might need need a man who is not ordinarily disturbed by questions of "truth"? If the redoubtable Min can be taken to represent the law officer Warden Dios wished to be, then I may be regarded as an exemplum of the law officer he actually was. How can it be that the one does not preclude the other? a man who is not ordinarily disturbed by questions of "truth"? If the redoubtable Min can be taken to represent the law officer Warden Dios wished to be, then I may be regarded as an exemplum of the law officer he actually was. How can it be that the one does not preclude the other?

On that point, albeit indirectly, I have questioned Director Donner in person. I wished to know how she proposes to treat with the Amnion, now that our relations with them are somewhat strained. In her typically hostile fashion-typical, at least, of her att.i.tude toward me-she replied, "I'm going to tell them the exact truth. Keep every bargain I make with them to the letter. And cost them blood if they don't do the same."

Uncharacteristically, she then elaborated upon this rather outre philosophy. "Take Billingate for example. If you and Warden-and good old G.o.dsen-had left it up to me, I wouldn't have launched a covert strike. Since that shipyard violated their treaties with us, it was their problem. I would have told them I wanted them them to destroy the whole planetoid-and I meant to do it myself if they didn't. I would have given them a time limit. And if they refused to comply, I would do exactly what I warned them I was going to do. Send in an armada, reduce Thanatos Minor to powder. And to destroy the whole planetoid-and I meant to do it myself if they didn't. I would have given them a time limit. And if they refused to comply, I would do exactly what I warned them I was going to do. Send in an armada, reduce Thanatos Minor to powder. And dare dare them to take offense." them to take offense."

She appeared to sneer at me, but I believe she may have simply attempted a smile. "They might get the message. You've said yourself, it violates their genetic ident.i.ty to 'deal falsely.' One reason they want to destroy us is that we do." do."

Frankly, I took offense myself. Every fiber of my being is outraged by such simple-minded foolhardiness. And yet I am forced to concede that the Amnion might indeed "get the message." A bloodthirsty honesty can hardly serve humanity's future less well than did the Dragon's policy of monomaniacal manipulation.

Doubtless I will oppose her at every turn. Occasionally she will heed me. And when she does not, I will reread Warden's records, and be humbled.

Perhaps humankind will survive without its G.o.ds.

This is the end of The Gap into Ruin This Day All G.o.ds Die.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Stephen R. Donaldson made his writing debut in 1977 with the first Thomas Covenant books; the series quickly became an international bestseller and earned him worldwide critical acclaim. Stephen R. Donaldson was born in Cleveland, Ohio, and currently lives in New Mexico. made his writing debut in 1977 with the first Thomas Covenant books; the series quickly became an international bestseller and earned him worldwide critical acclaim. Stephen R. Donaldson was born in Cleveland, Ohio, and currently lives in New Mexico.