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I moved along the beach and hid behind rocks and trees when I had to. I didn't have much in the way of weapons. Just my Swiss army knife. I guess I could cover their mouths, one at time, and slit their throats. With my luck, they would hear me, and the only thing getting cut would be my neck.
The boats were a ways from the camp. I went to them and looked around but didn't really find anything interesting. Some dried fish in a wrapper. I ate that s.h.i.t like it was a f.u.c.king four-course French meal at Chez Souffle. They had a bunch of spears and things that I suspected were torches.
They had runners strapped to the sides of the boats. Big things that hung over the side and probably kept the boat from tipping over. I started to cut through one when I got an idea. I didn't stop cutting, though. That would be part of the fun.
Three boats were all they needed for their army. I took my time at each one, sawing while constantly looking over my shoulder.
Come and kill my girl, will you?
I wanted to be brave, but I expected them to wake up at any moment and chop off my head and shrink it for their witch doctor. These guys always have witch doctors, right?
Once I had the runners loose, I crept into the camp and stole a piece of wood that was sticking out of the fire. The men, there were eight or nine of them in all, snored like it was going out of style. One guy was so big I was afraid the island would shift if he bolted to his feet.
I was just stepping away from the huddled bodies when one of them farted and rolled over. I froze and closed my eyes. I figured that if they couldn't see my white eyeb.a.l.l.s, they wouldn't see me at all. Maybe they would think I was just a dream.
In the movies, this is the part where the guy wakes up, sees the other guy sneaking into their camp, calls the alarm, and the creeper has to beat the h.e.l.l out of them all.
The only thing that was going to get beat was my a.s.s.
But luck was on my side-for once. I haven't had a lot of that in the last few weeks. I guess I was due.
He started snoring again-this linebacker dressed in shorts and a rumpled Hawaiian shirt.
I was out of the camp in no time, running to the boats. I uncovered a few of their torches and laid them along the waterside, where they wouldn't see them. It was just a matter of some blowing while holding the smoldering stick to the side of one.
It was a slow flame at first, but it caught on soon enough. Then the fire was licking up the side of the little craft.
I proceeded to torch the other vessels. I was quite a ways down the beach when I heard the first cries. As soon as they tried to move one, they would be in for a shock.
It was time to GO!
I headed for the water first. I took a dip while the sky lit up near the beach. I'm sure they would be able to drag the boats into the water to put out the flames, but with no floaty things on the ends, they were unlikely to be able to follow me.
I dove into the water and pushed the rocks off her. Her eyes were almost pretty in the water. The one that is still blue. The socket I had covered had a little fish living in it, and that just about scared me to death. There was hardly any light to begin with, but with her O of a mouth and fluttering nonexistent eye, I was thankful to be in the water, considering I almost s.h.i.t my pants.
I dragged her to the sh.o.r.e and tried to pick her up. Stupid clothes were heavy, so I stripped them off. I hauled her over my shoulder and then took off for my camp. Water leaked out of her mouth and across my back the whole way. She even burped a few times.
"We are going on a trip. You say I never take you to nice places. Well, guess again, baby."
"That's right, another tropical paradise where you will hopefully become a star."
I dumped her in a heap. They had made a mess, going through my stuff. I gathered as much as I could and tossed items into bags and cases. Christ! They would be here any minute!
I found my turtle hat and threw it on the raft just in case I wanted to protect my head from the heat or had to fight another giant zombie. Hah, like that will happen. The little cooler was hanging by a rope, floating a foot from the raft. I grabbed the dress she was wearing yesterday and brought it along. I had been planning to use it to help fix the raft if I had to tie some logs together. Now I had another idea.
I put it on her and led her back to the raft as fast as I could. I tossed her to the floor of my vessel and pushed off. The raft didn't move at first, so I stood back and kicked it.
Noises behind me. Were they on their way to spear me and steal my raft?
She stared at the water like she had never seen anything wet before. She hooted and snarled at the moon, head tipping back to take in the full circle of white light.
I kicked again, and this time, the raft slid along the logs and into the water. I smiled at my ingenuity and waded along as I pushed it. The surf was barely moving, so it was just a matter of walking it as far as I could and then kicking my legs and pushing away from the beach.
I climbed on board and rowed while pushing her down. The raft was barely large enough for me, let alone her and her stink.
She sat down the next time I pushed her and stared at me in all her naked glory. Before she fell, I got a look at her backside. Her a.s.s has shrunken so that it looks like the b.u.t.t of a seventy-year-old woman. Her legs, which were once long and flawless, look like blue cheese.
Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, which I couldn't take my eyes off just a month ago, are these things that look like really big raisins with nipples. The implants are so plain now that I can't believe I used to think she was real up there. Good thing she is a nightmare to look at. I was able to concentrate on getting the h.e.l.l out of here.
I put the big dress on her and then tied it around her legs nice and tight. Had to lay her down for that, then I had to fight her to keep her from attacking me.
My hands were shaking. At any moment, I expected the islanders to burst though the jungle, howling for blood.
I had to set her down, but she didn't fight back much. She just stared at the shape of her husband in the trees and hooted every once in a while. I considered making a gag to shut her the h.e.l.l up.
I secured her legs together with the dress pulled all the way down to her ankles, then I took the metal piece off her leg and tossed it toward the hollowed tail section. Say h.e.l.lo to my new anchor.
The end of her leg was rotted and smelled terrible. Pus and c.r.a.p dripped from between the exposed bone and where I thought I had burned it closed, some of the skin had been pulled back, so that critters had been able to gnaw away at the end. I wrapped it in a piece of cloth. I didn't want to see any barnacles growing on her like her husband, Barnacle Douche-Waffle. G.o.d, that guy was a jerk.
I took a pair of thick dry logs I had brought along just for the h.e.l.l of it. We floated away from the island at a snail's pace so I rowed every few minutes to get a little momentum.
I had to push her down again. She snarled at me when her head hit a log.
"Sheesh, I'm trying to help you here." I blew up the enema bag, screwed on the end and tied it tight so it wouldn't leak. I set that in front of her and grabbed the shirts. The logs were first. I used one shirt to secure one log under each arm. The inflated enema bag was next. I used the other shirt to tie it under her chin. I figured it would keep her head from dipping in the water and make her float better.
I tugged her off the raft and pushed her into the water. Just as I had hoped, she floated like a weird zombie top. Or like one of those bobbers you put on a string before you drop it in the water to let you know when a fish nibbles at it.
I crawled up on the raft and picked up my oar. I rowed away, only pausing once to give the island the bird with both hands. Stupid island. I hope I never see you again. Stupid island visitors. I hope you guys can get home someday.
She snarled at me from the water where she was dragged along behind. Water kept splashing up into her face, but she didn't care.
I sat on the top of the tail section and rowed twice on one side, then twice on the other. Still, the current carried us away. I tried to fight it, but it was a losing battle. The raft was dragged along the side of the island instead of away from it, but soon enough, my old home was falling into the distance.
I stared out at the ocean, at the beautiful blue water as we were carried farther and farther away. I felt a sense of relief, a sense that I would soon be picked up or land on a civilized island. I know there are islands everywhere out here, because I saw them on the maps, and they weren't that far apart.
After a few hours, the sun started to set and I lost track of the island. I was going to have to trust to the current. I looked in every direction, but there was no sign of land yet. I looked back at the island, or where I thought the island had been, but there was no sign of it. All I saw was beautiful blue water.
Water water everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I couldn't even tell in what direction I was floating. That's when I realized I may have made a mistake. I was stuck on the open ocean with a few days' food, a little bit of water and an undead zombie chick.
d.a.m.n it! I have to hang my a.s.s over the side of the raft and take a dump. Hope that stuff doesn't float into her.
My Girlfriend Ain't no Juliet.
I'm writing while sitting in the hatch of the raft.
It's a b.u.mpy ride, so I have to write slow.
I have been at sea for three days, I think. The lack of food and water has made me a very unhappy raft camper. I thought for sure I would hit another island in a day, two at most. Now it's day three on the water. I feel like s.h.i.t. I feel lost and miserable. I finished the last romance book last night as I stared at the sea. Fifth time I read that one, and it wasn't any better than the first. I read them aloud so she could listen, but she has somehow become turned around and can't even see me. All she does is moan. I have to put up with it day and night.
Moan moan moan.
My lips were so dry that the act of licking them was like licking a dry potato. My body was weak, and I felt like I hadn't eaten in a week. I ate all of my supplies in a day and a half. Note to self: If you are going out to sea, bring more food!
The water was gone in a day. I tried to ration it, but I sweated out so much that I felt dehydrated a few hours after we left. Getting in the water didn't help the feeling much, though it did help me cool off.
I planned to get in the water later and turn her around. If I get too depressed, I guess I can just let go and float until I can't float anymore. All of my worries would be over. She would have to hang out until someone found her. She'd float for weeks, and with any luck, predators wouldn't eat her.
But it was too much to leave her to chance. I really would have to do her in if it came to that. I would have to find a way to bash in her brain at last.
Cold at night and too hot during the day. Everything was wet. I tried to dry out my clothes, but water splashed over the side of the raft every few seconds, so it was a losing battle. I had some coconuts left, but the tool I use to cut them open slipped in my wet hands yesterday and went over the side. I scrambled for it, but the last log was already loose, and I was too afraid to put any more weight on it.
Not much more to write today. I want to keep the diary dry, so I will stop here. Only a few d.a.m.n pages left anyway. Another day and my gut feels like it has never had food in it. I feel so tired and thirsty. I know that seawater will kill me, and I also know it tastes terrible. Of course, I had to try some just to see how bad it was. Sure I was on the island and tasted it every day, but never when I was this thirsty. It just p.i.s.sed me off when I got some in my mouth. Cold and wet, but it sucked the life right out of my tongue along with any moisture. If that albatross flew by right now, he would probably s.h.i.t on my head.
She hooted every once in a while. When the moon came out at night, she freaked a little and moaned like she was h.o.r.n.y. I talked to her, but she just stared at me. So bored. I started reading one of the books again, but that had no effect on her.
Is that smoke?
Did they figure out how to chase me down? Maybe they built a giant steamer out of the parts of their boats and are after me. They plan to burn us on the boat, kill my girl. G.o.d, I'm delirious.
Land at last. I think the tide caught us and slingshot us around the side of the island. I fought it, wrestled control back and even made some progress in getting to the beach.
It was almost time to make landfall.
Time to prepare to hit the beach. I will write more if I don't p.i.s.s off some natives and get speared. Or cooked. Or both. I don't even know what day it is. I think I have been missing for thirty-six days or maybe it is thirty-five. Yesterday was miserable, and now I have fresh problems. Oh, Diary, I should have just stayed on the first island.
We landed all right and we were greeted like heroes, just like I had always imagined. Looks of awe turned to disgust-wait, I am getting too far ahead. I'm just so tired. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks.
I rowed for all I was worth and landed with my girl in tow. One head popped up, and I heard a little scream. A pair of people came out of the bushes and ran at me at full speed. I almost turned and jumped back on the raft.
They looked terrible! I thought at first it was more zombies, but I was still holding my oar, so I prepared to beat them to death.
"We're rescued!" a man yelled. Was he talking to me? He was dressed in the tatters of a white shirt and tan Bermudas. The woman was in worse shape. She wore the remains of a skirt and a shirt that was tied in the middle. She had no shoes, and her hair reminded me of that chick with snakes on her head.
The guy's voice sounded familiar. Oh s.h.i.t, it was the pilot of the plane!
"Mooney?" He picked me up in a big bear hug and started crying. So did I.
He had no idea just how f.u.c.ked we all were.
The woman was the stewardess, and she had somehow kept her shirt in one piece. Her faded nametag read "Eileen." She hugged me too. They were both thin and wasted, and they didn't smell that great. Not that I did. I probably smelled like seaweed and fish.
"Food? Water?" I croaked. My mouth felt like it was coated in salt.
It turns out they had a little better luck at hunting that I did, and they had a small supply of jerky from a baby boar that Mooney killed. I ate it and then drank a few sips of water. They had to collect it in whatever they could, because they relied on the rain. No pool of water here. They had to get it all from the sky. The water tasted old, but I didn't care one bit. It tasted like heaven as far as I was concerned.
They filled me in on what had happened since the crash. They floated for a day or two on luggage and then swam to the island. Mooney had been a boy scout when he was young, and he remembered how to make fires and set proper snares. They were hungry a lot, but they seemed to be in decent shape, all things considered. I had been on a seafood diet, but they had meat-red meat-and it was just about the best thing I had ever eaten in my life.
"What about the black box?" I was convinced it was just a matter of time before they found it and us. Planes always have those things on them. It had to be a law!
"We didn't have one. They took it out a year ago, because it was broken, but they never replaced it. Different rules on the island and all."
I wanted to pick up a rock and bash myself over the head. This was not how I had seen the rescue going. We were supposed to land on a resort or be picked up by a cruise ship or maybe find islanders.
"What did you bring with you?" Mooney asked as he pointed at the water. I was wondering how I could break the news to them that I had a zombie girl in tow. I guessed now was the time.
"It's one of the pa.s.sengers. She's been living on the island with me. But there's something wrong with her. You have to let me explain." It was going to be the mother of all explanations. Yeah, I have a pet zombie. She smells, and she is falling apart. At least with the dress on, they couldn't see all of the damage her body had sustained over the last month.
I sat down as my knees gave out. I was exhausted. I needed rest more than anything. Eileen put her hand on my shoulder, and I felt like crying at the touch of a live person. Mooney had decided to take matters into his own hands and walked toward the water.
"Mooney, wait! She isn't what you think she is!" I tried to say, but he was red in the face.
"Sick b.a.s.t.a.r.d!" he yelled at me. "What the h.e.l.l did you do to this woman?"
He had some kind of pocketknife, and he was cutting her loose. I tried to get to my feet but nearly fell down as a dizzy spell hit. I felt like the whole world was crashing in on me. I wanted to pack it in and go back to the first island. I didn't need these people, and they didn't need to mess with my girl!
"Eileen, help me here!"
She jumped to her feet and walked into the surf.
"Don't take the gag off! No matter what!" I yelled, but it was too late. He had her out of the water already and was working at the knot. I heard her moan, and struggled to my feet.
Eileen stared at me over her shoulder as she stomped away. She looked pretty p.i.s.sed. I went after them on shaky legs.
He carried her out of the water. She had her head against his chest, and her dress was tattered around the bottom but still covered up most of her body. He made it to sh.o.r.e and was in the process of setting her down when she looped an arm over his neck and moved her head against his throat like a lover. Then his eyes went wide as blood flew like he'd been stabbed. She had latched onto the side of his neck and torn a piece out. He dropped her on her a.s.s and fell to the ground with his hand over his neck, trying to stop the blood, but it was like a river.
I couldn't help it. I rolled my eyes.
I caught up with them and saw that the damage was really bad.
"Gah Gah Gah," he tried to say, sounding like a bird. He shook his hands around but didn't take flight. Instead, he pitched forward and flopped around on the ground. I wanted to help him attach a bandage, but all I had on me was a wet shirt and even wetter pants. I stood over him as the sand turned red, but I did back up when the blood got close to me.
Eileen stared at him in horror and let loose a little scream. It wasn't so bad, but she was just getting warmed up. The second scream almost knocked me over.
Eileen went nuts. She started hitting me like I had bitten him. I tried to hold her back, but she was throwing her hands at me so fast I had to turn and run. I got about fifteen feet away when she stopped and went back to Mooney's side.
His legs b.u.mped up and down against the sand like he was having a slow-motion seizure. I shook my head because I couldn't believe what was happening. I wanted to get back on my d.a.m.n raft and row for the middle of the ocean so I could drown myself. Leave them alone and let them sort it out. I was sick to death of all the zombies, the hunger, the thirst. I was sick of being alone, and I was sick of missing Ally.
I stomped the ground in frustration, then turned and went back for them. The stewardess had pushed my little zombie off of Mooney, and my girl was rolling around in the surf. She had blood on her face and a huge stain that ran down her throat and onto her dress. Her hands held a hunk of meat to her mouth. The thing was stringy with sinew. Now, I am no expert on ripped-out throats, but she seemed to have done a very thorough job.