The Zashiki Warashi of Intellectual Village Volume 2 Chapter 4

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I need to head toward cover. I need to head toward somewhere with plenty of places to hide behind and protect myself.

Fleeing toward the mountain with that in mind may have been a mistake. I was being led toward an area with no people where illegal violence could be employed without issue.

What is going on?

How could this happen?

I was in the Intellectual Village known as Noukotsu Village. Packages involving Youkai would occasionally happen here, but it was still an easier place to live than the city. That remained true even if the rural scenery was faked by various types of technology.

And yet…

"Shin.o.bu!!"

I heard my uncle's shout make its way through the gaps of the forest's trees.

But I did not respond. I couldn't!

Several people were tied up in this messed up situation, but each person's survival was based on the same condition: To survive, you must kill one of the other partic.i.p.ants. It was a simple, clear, and unavoidable rule. Both my uncle and myself had been closed in by that framework.

In other words…

My uncle and I were destined to try to kill each other.

And when it came down to pure violence, a normal high school student like me did not stand a chance against a professional police detective like my uncle. He likely outdid me in pure unarmed combat, but he might also have a handgun.

I could not trust anyone.

Given the situation, we could no longer work together.

However…

I still did not want to kill my uncle and the others. My mind stubbornly worked to find a way to get around the rules, find a loophole, or otherwise reach a conclusion where no one had to die.

But then…

The true disaster that arrived was enough to make me forget all about the rest of the horrible situation.

"Shin.o.bu!! Don't go that way! She's coming!!"

I had forgotten to wonder why my uncle would be calling for me in this situation of mutual suspicion. When I thought about it, letting the others know his position in this thick forest would only put him at a disadvantage.

And then something happened.

A sound exploded out from my body as if something solid had been knocked out of place.

I had been struck from behind. I tried to turn around, but my head would not turn like I told it to. I twisted my waist around while lying collapsed on the gra.s.sy-smelling dirt and managed to roll onto my back. Only then did I catch a glimpse of who had attacked me.

It was a woman with the sort of j.a.panese paper used for calligraphy forcibly pasted all over her body. She was like a monster created by spell words congealed into a human form. Something had been skillfully written on the j.a.panese paper with black ink, but the papers were so crumpled up to perfectly match the lines of the woman's body that the words were distorted.

I could not read what was written on them.

I somehow managed to squeeze out a voice while barely breathing at all.

"…Hishigami…Mai…?"

If that monster was taking part in this killing game where blood was washed away with blood, then it was much too obvious who would win in the end.

This paper-covered Hishigami Mai crouched down as if to peer at my face. Her hands reached out for my neck. I tried to twist my body around to escape, but I could no longer move properly.

She mercilessly brought her hands in as if to strangle a chicken.

And then my heart literally stopped beating.

After finally getting a day off, I visited an indoor fishing pond that had opened in Ikebukuro. Even when I had lived in Noukotsu Village, I had preferred playing by the river instead of the mountain.

The fishing pond's greatest feature was its large tank for migratory fish that functioned like a lazy river at a water park. The pond's tagline was "the leisure spot where you can catch a bluefin tuna". The tank ran through a donut-shaped circuit in a building the size of fair-sized aquarium and the customers paid to fish in it.

The reception area was one floor below and the inside of the tank could be seen through tempered gla.s.s. The tuna I could see swimming through it were only about 70 cm, but they still technically qualified as a small type of bluefin tuna.

According to the smiling receptionist girl, "If they were any larger than this, normal fishers would have difficulty catching them. Even if you are wearing gloves, there would be a danger of losing a finger to the line."

Any tuna you caught would be prepared for you in the facility's restaurant and (if you were willing to pay) you could still eat tuna if you did not catch one, so I had not eaten anything despite this being my day off. As I drank some vegetable juice to tide over my empty stomach, I rented a fairly thick fishing pole and some spear squid for bait and headed in for the challenge.

"Hey, detective."

"What? Why are you here even on my day off, mystery freak? Don't you know that people need to periodically perform maintenance on and refresh their minds?"

"Heh heh heh. Now I get a fishing pond date with you. …But what's with that vegetable juice? Aren't you drinking that as an excuse rather than for your health or its nutrients? Are you trying to look good?"

"Shut up. Let me enjoy my time alone."

"C'mon, detective. They may be small, but these are bluefin tuna. Do you really think you can eat one all on your own if you catch it? Look around you. It's nothing but families and couples."

"Shut up! It really hurts if you point it out!! I didn't expect it to be like this before I got here!! I thought fishing was a man's pastime. How casual has it gotten!?"

"Oh, look at your pole, detective. Something's tugging really hard."

That was a fishing pond for you. I frantically grabbed the fishing pole that was beginning to bend like a bow. Of course, the reel was electric and had a specialized program installed and a young instructor lady came running over when she saw I had caught something, so I did not actually need any real strength or skill to battle the tuna.

As the instructor reached for the fishing pole from behind me and gave me some literally hands on advice, the mystery freak glared at her.

"This system is not suited for couples. I just hope I don't hear any of the same rumors as from those parks and amus.e.m.e.nt parks with famous ponds."

As I ignored her nonsense and battled the tuna (or rather, enjoyed a recreation of battling it), something huge burst from the surface of the water with a splashing noise.

"Hyah!?" shouted the instructor woman in surprise.

She grabbed onto me from behind for some reason and the look in the mystery freak's eyes grew even sharper.

I was surprised too.

But not because I had caught an unexpectedly large tuna.

This was not even a fish.

Hanging from the line was a girl wearing a short kimono and hagoromo who looked like something from an ancient picture book.

"G-gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?" I cried out as if I had done something horrible.

The girl in question's expression did not change despite having a thick fishing hook in her mouth with her entire weight pressing down on it. She remained perfectly expressionless.

Wait…

"She isn't bleeding? Wait, the hook isn't even piercing her mouth?"

"Oh? She isn't human," said the mystery freak as if remembering something. "She's a Youkai…or rather, a manmade Shikigami. I don't know too much about that, so I couldn't tell you how it works. But what I do know is she belongs to my sister. She's the Deadly Dragon Princess."

"She's Mai's?" I said in confusion.

The Deadly Dragon Princess gave little reaction. She simply swayed back and forth while hanging from the end of the fishing pole with the spear squid in her mouth. And for some reason she made the V-sign with both hands while still perfectly expressionless.

"But this is odd," said the mystery freak.

"Everything about this is odd. I can't think of a single thing about this that isn't odd."

"That's not what I mean. My sister has a habit of saying she has 100% lost if she has to use the Deadly Dragon Princess."

That monster woman said that?

I had never sensed the slightest weakness from Hishigami Mai, so I could not imagine her ever facing a situation she could not handle.

"It's twue," added the Deadly Dragon Princes while being dragged up onto land by the electric reel.

She had likely meant "true", but she was talking while chewing on the squid.

It was raw and still had its guts inside, so she was quite the wild "person".

Eventually, the Deadly Dragon Princess spat something out like used gum. It was the powerful hook used to land 200 kilogram tunas, but it had been horribly crushed.

"Detective, the hook is tied into a bow."

"Now that's a powerful kiss I want to avoid at all costs."

The Deadly Dragon Princess ignored our exchange and spoke with the expression of someone following a program.

"Hishigami Mai has lost. I have been instructed to pa.s.s on an emergency message."

"She lost…?"

"Yes."

"What are you supposed to tell us?"

"It is quite simple." With no change of expression, the Deadly Dragon Princess grabbed another spear squid from the cooler I had rented. "After she lost to them, an organization known as Akki Rasetsu took control of Hishigami Mai's physical body. She has become their puppet to use as a weapon. If you wish to save her, you must head to the Intellectual Village known as Noukotsu Village."

I sighed and covered my face in my hands. While looking over at the Deadly Dragon Princess who was eating my squid without permission, the mystery freak revealed an unnecessary piece of trivia.

"That's your hometown, isn't it, detective?"

"Why do you know my personal information?"

A certain rest stop was located near an ordinary rural city.

The area's economy had fallen into a slump so the public transportation facilities such as buses and trains had declined. This naturally made private automobiles a necessity to live in the area. Nothing could be seen but long runway-like stretches of road that naturally obstructed travel and further stagnated the economy. The stereotypical cycle of decline had kicked in.

An old black foreign car was parked at one end of a parking lot large enough to hold a soccer match on. It was a famous car from the '60s known as a Hitman Tuxedo, but a car like that would violate the exhaust standards if it was used as is on public roads. For that reason, the inner workings had been remade into a sanitary hybrid car. This was another of the cla.s.sics businesses that also gave new life to old houses. The president of the custom workshop had claimed it took a lot of doing to produce such a deep noise of exhaust from such a thin engine. He had said the experience made him feel like an expert craftsman of bra.s.s instruments.

A man and a woman sat within the car.

The woman had her hair tied to either side of her head and was wearing a pink camisole, hot pants, and jacket. She was named Saijou. The muscular man had a blonde pompadour, wore a tank top and work pants, and had his shirt wrapped around his waist. His name was Nanjou.

Saijou Ai and Nanjou Kakeru were the two new leaders of Akki Rasetsu after they had taken control of the organization from the old leaders.

And…

A human sized piece of luggage was lying in the leg s.p.a.ce of the backseat.

"Toujou-san is dead."

"Yes, he is."

One portion of the blue sky was blocked out by a long, narrow trail of smoke as if from a chimney. But in reality, this black smoke was coming from the remains of the prisoner transport vehicle carrying Toujou. It had been blown to smithereens while travelling along the highway.

They had not wanted to use something as flashy as a bomb in a country like j.a.pan, but the vehicle had been armored. Anything that could be disguised as a natural accident would have no guarantee of killing their target.

While sitting in the left-side driver's seat, Saijou nervously tapped her index finger on the steering wheel.

"And Houjou-san was hung from a tree after his project in Kyoto failed."

"Does it really matter?"

"What do you mean?"

"Nature will decide the size of the organization. This is no different than how smaller groups of friends naturally form within a school. Those old idiots tried to expand the size of the organization to achieve their objectives, but they went too far. That causes internal rifts and makes it hard to come to agreement over anything. If you radicalize around a single objective, it is only natural for the organization to be automatically trimmed."

"Eh? Then the same goes for Toujou-san and Houjou-san?"

"Both of those were accidents, but the organization would have grown more condensed either way. In fact, regulating the number of people will improve the purity of our focus on a single goal. …We had become fat and bloated like Hyakki Yakou. They have 100 members at the level of leaders alone, which is just stupid. And I hear not even a third of them can even use the occult."

"I see," said Saijou with a less than satisfied expression.

She did think a problem existed as far as the percentages were concerned, but that was still 30 people who could wield the occult on a level feared as a natural disaster and with an exclusive shrine constructed toward suppressing their power. Even by the standards of their field of work, having that many of such people gathered in one group was not normal.

But she changed the subject instead of pursuing that further.

"What should we do next?"

"Houjou was an idiot who couldn't even protect himself, but he did give us an interesting report. He found some interesting Youkai we can use in the Intellectual Village known as Noukotsu Village."

"I kind of liked Houjou-san."

"Well, you both work in similar ways. Not to mention that you managed to make Hishigami Mai your own after picking her up injured in Kyoto. He was the one that did that damage, so you should at least thank him. Not that it has anything to do with me." Nanjou looked in the rearview mirror to observe the backseat. "Speaking of which, is this really safe?"

"Mai-chan will be just fine. Her entire body is bound by Kosode no Te."

"That's a kimono Youkai that curses anyone who wears it, right?"

"Exactly. I made plenty of copies of one and attached them all over Mai-chan. The controller is running properly, so there is nothing to worry about." Saijou casually turned the conversation back on track. "So what are we going to do? Should we head to that Intellectual Village Houjou-san visited?"

"Well, if we find the Youkai he spotted, we should be able to a.s.semble what we have been hoping for."

Saijou spread out a paper map to check on the location of Noukotsu Village. She did not use a convenient GPS system because she did not want a third party using it to track their location. This hybrid Hitman Tuxedo was not a rental car or stolen car she was willing to abandon.

"Oh, right," said Saijou Ai as she looked at the map like a father reading the newspaper at the breakfast table.

Nanjou Kakeru frowned and asked, "What?"

"You said those old men, Houjou-san, and Toujou-san were purged in the automatic adjustments to the optimal size for the organization, right?"

"What about it?"

"In that case, isn't it a bit odd for Akki Rasetsu to have two leaders left? It seems to me just the Saijou group or just the Nanjou group would be enough."

The sound of something soft being crushed exploded out within the car.

Saijou Ai pulled out a sleeping bag, stuffed a human-sized ma.s.s inside, and threw it into the backseat.

She then said, "It's getting a bit crowded back there, but bear with it, Mai-chan."

That famous '60s car called the Hitman Tuxedo let out its low rumbling one could feel in the gut as it left the rest stop's large parking lot. The black foreign car smoothly began its journey to the Intellectual Village known as Noukotsu Village.

Noukotsu Village is a bit of an ominous name, isn't it?[1]

That thought about my hometown came to me thanks to a slightly belated summer greeting postcard. It had come via ridiculously expensive airmail.

Couldn't they just send an email?

Oddly enough, the postcard was addressed to the Succubus rather than the Jinnai household. It just outright had "Succubus" written on it. And the sender was…unknown. It just had a weird string of numbers in that field.

At any rate, I made my way up to the attic and asked the micro bikini-wearing demon.

She smiled and replied, "It's from an old friend. She's an old demon, so she likes old systems. Of course this is an age where quantum computers could soon be a reality, so I'm amazed she thinks a simple numerical replacement for the letters would be enough to hide her true name. …But I wonder how she figured out I'm here."

"Hm. So who is she?"

"Tselika Wien Alpha Chely-…wait, stop that! Asking for a demon's name will not end well for you. This is no fairy tale!"

It seemed the world of demons had its own problems. There was no point in asking further, so I quickly changed the subject.

"So where is this picture from?"

"A place not far from Paris. They have some wonderful catacombs there…"

The Succubus looked spellbound with the idea, but I was not entirely sure what catacombs were.

After reading the text, she handed the postcard back to me in disinterest. I walked down the long hallway and to the western style living room where I found the glamorous Zashiki Warashi lying on the floor watching TV with the Yuki Onna. There was a TV in her room as well, but it was hard to resist the draw of this larger screen.

They seemed to be watching a rerun of a quiz show.

"The topic is Australia's circular farms. These green plains look quite mysterious in the middle of the vast desert. Now for your question. What percentage of the world's wheat is grown on them!? You have three possible answers and those of you at home can play along with your terrestrial digital remote controls!!"

I tossed the postcard into a postcard storage box no one used much anymore. As I did, the overall flat Yuki Onna spoke to me expressionlessly.

"Listen to this. They're horrible. They're all so horrible…"

"What happened?"

"They have been using the remote to take part in the quiz game, but they won't let me have a turn."

"Isn't this a rerun?"

"And that untidy Youkai lying there always says the answer right before the host does…"

"Like I said, it's a rerun."

But what fun is it to watch a quiz show if you know all the answers already?

"The answer is the biggest option: 25%! Surprising, isn't it? But the people of Australia think it is not enough. There are a some problems such as cyclones and an outbreak of locusts, but with some help from j.a.panese technology…"

The Zashiki Warashi must have grown tired of teasing the Yuki Onna because she made me her new target.

"Shin.o.bu, I want a popsicle."

"What?"

"Carry me."

I had no choice but to take that indoor Youkai to the kitchen by rolling her along the floor like a metal drum tipped on its side. This did some interesting things to the hem and collar of her Yukata, but she did not seem to mind showing off that much skin.

She calmly said, "We just can't win with numbers alone, can we?"

"Are you talking about Australia? They use large scale farming where the seeds are sown from an airplane. A country like this where you have a hard time finding land where the horizon is visible has no chance of winning. Due to the race for the lowest prices, the beef, rice, and onions in the gyudon you buy will probably all come from Australia."

However, it was hard to manually manage such vast amounts of farmland, so I had heard they would rent a farming infrastructure with technicians included that used precision equipment made in j.a.pan and Korea. This created a strange situation where the j.a.panese were importing crops grown by other j.a.panese in foreign countries.

After complaining that the Zashiki Warashi got a yogurt despite saying she had wanted a popsicle, my overall small granny entered the kitchen.

"Shin.o.bu, Shin.o.bu."

"What is it, granny?"

"I think there are more trees in the yard than usual."

"…What?"

"I do not really understand, but it might be a Youkai."

I was not sure what she meant, so I had her and the Zashiki Warashi wait in the kitchen while I headed for the yard.

I put on a pair of beach sandals and stepped off of the long porch.

"What is this giant tropical looking tree?"

There was indeed an extra tree. It was obviously a different type of plant from those around it and it was growing right in the middle of the small path between the parking spot and the yard, so it could not have been more in the way. Anyone would notice a tree growing here.

This out-of-place feeling and strange sense of caution I felt for an unfamiliar plant likely came from living in an Intellectual Village. Just as stocking a river with black ba.s.s could destroy the river's ecosystem, a living thing that did not fit the village's colors was a scary thing.

And then some cat-sized creature poked its head out from behind the mysterious tropical tree.

But the creature's face was oddly stern.

"Good day. I am Shisa."

"Eh? Shisa!?"

"This Chinese banyan tree is Kijimuna. He is my friend."

"Wait, wait! Let's go through this one at a time. Is a Shisa even a Youkai? I thought the term Shisa referred to the statues themselves and not some creature they were modeled after. Y'know, like the Komainu at a Shinto shrine."

It was also possible this was technically not a Shisa but a Tsuk.u.mogami of a Shisa statue, but I had no way of knowing which it was.

However, the Shisa did not seem the type to listen to what people said.

"I am from Okinawa, so I have never seen snow. I heard from some travelling Youkai that I could find a Yuki Onna if I came here. Have her make it snow."

"Hey! What the h.e.l.l happened to our household's privacy!?"

"Here is some awamori as a gift. Give it to your parents. …It is not for children, okay?"

Having said that, the Shisa (?) jumped up onto the porch and entered the house without permission. He was so bold about it that I let it happen without thinking.

After being left behind, I looked up at that tree that was a type of mangrove.

"If you're a proper Youkai, you won't mess with the ecosystem of the normal plants around here…will you?"

The branches shook, making a rustling noise, but I did not know if that was a yes or no.

"At any rate, you're kind of in the way here, so could you head further back in the yard while you wait?"

After more rustling, it began moving. But rather than walking on legs, the movement was more like all of its roots were snakes.

It may have gotten into a turf war with the Furutsubaki in the back of the yard because it began that odd rustling again. (By the way, the Furutsubaki would occasionally transform into a beautiful woman, but it was not the type that killed people. My Youkai-loving mom hand picked it up from somewhere.) But before I could focus on the two Youkai trees, I heard a commotion coming from the thatch-roof house.

In fact, the Yuki Onna ran out barefoot into the yard with Xs for eyes.

"Wh-what is this all of a sudden!? You're making everything too hot!! I don't know who you are, but I think we are horribly incompatible!!"

"I am Shisa."

"I was not asking for your name!"

"I want to make an igloo. Make it snow."

The Shisa (?) continued to not listen to anything anyone said as the Yuki Onna scurried over to cling to me.

"P-please do something about him!!" she begged me.

Yeah…

But…

"Apparently, he's never seen snow before, so he came here all the way from Okinawa. Can't you at least make it snow for him?"

"Kh… By any chance do you have a fetish for being NTRed away from people? A-and an animal fetish…?"

It seemed the Yuki Onna had made an incredibly rude misunderstanding, but she was in no state to be corrected while she was being chased around by that symbol of summer. She was running around the yard with the hem of her white kimono trailing along the ground behind her.

If she really can't stand being around him, I need to create a way for them to talk this out…

But as soon as I had that thought, my cell phone rang. This was a brand new model because my old one had broken after being soaked in water.

"Eh? What do you need, uncle?"

After a short exchange, I frowned.

"I see. So you're on your way here?"

Unfortunately, there was no way I had any paid leave left.

However, the Shikigami sent by Hishigami Mai did not care in the slightest about the problems of a working man.

"Please begin searching for Hishigami Mai right away. If you do not, I will kill you," said the Deadly Dragon Princess bluntly.

No matter how unreasonable this seemed, I had no chance if it came down to a compet.i.tion of physical strength. And I could hardly go into work with that Deadly Dragon Princess tagging along 24/7. I was ultimately forced to lie and say my wounds from the Jinmensou case had reopened.

Of course, I didn't have any paid sick days left either, so this was eating away at my already low pay.

At any rate, I travelled to Noukotsu Village.

As I stepped out onto the platform of the village's one unmanned train station, I looked up at the midsummer sun and grimaced.

"…So I've come back here yet again."

The first problem facing me was the combination of having a lot of luggage and the station's lack of a bus stop or taxi loading area. However, I had called Shin.o.bu ahead of time, so the real question was who would be sent to meet me. My older brother was a man who focused 100% on his work, so he would never leave his brewing facility. With any luck, my old man would come pick me up in his car, but…

"Well, there's not much chance of that happening. I guess I'll just walk to the house."

"S-so I will finally get to greet your parents, detective!?"

"What are you doing here, mystery freak?"

The girl-shaped Deadly Dragon Princess was clinging to my back and silently eating some squid snacks, but I had not noticed Enbi until she had spoken to me on the platform. Had she tailed me like a true mystery freak?

She lightly waved her index finger back and forth and said, "For once, my sister is actually in a real pinch. This is actually more my issue than yours, detective."

"Then do something about this Shikigami. And while you're at it, how about you stay away from me too?"

But I was not even sure if the village even had an inn. Even if it did, I did not know if Enbi could afford it. That meant keeping her from traveling with me would force her to sleep on the streets. Forcing a teenage girl to do that for my own personal reasons went against everything I believed a police officer should be. And of course, thinking that way was falling right into the mystery freak's trap.

As I held my head in one hand, I dragged my travel bag along and walked toward the ticket gate.

I was already feeling irritated when I heard the grating high-pitched voice of a female announcer coming from some TV.

"Blueprint of a Hit is on at Thursday at 7:00!! This week we will approach the secrets of Daikawara-san, the producer of the beautiful Onmyouji girls unit Seman Stars! We will reveal the trick to coming up with the group's novel ideas such as the skillful blend of idols and spiritual mystique as well as the unique fan service of giving individual fortune tellings instead of a simple handshaking event! Don't miss it!!"

I looked over to find the mystery freak had turned on the 1seg TV function of her cell phone.

"Wow, this is really is the middle of nowhere. There are almost no TV channels. All the commercial broadcasting is covered by a single local station."

"You can order any show you want to watch over satellite or the internet."

"What do you think of Seman Stars? Don't you think Tarot Girls 22 is cuter?"

"There are too many of them, so I can't keep track. Add in the backups and there are 56 of them, right?"

Sitting around at the empty station forever would do no one any good, so I began walking along the paved road with the Deadly Dragon Princess still clinging to my back. The mystery freak would stick with me whether I said anything or not, but I was having trouble deciding whether that was convenient or presumptuous.

The midsummer sun was so hot that I seriously began to wonder if it was not a mirage I was seeing and the road was really melting. Nevertheless, I continued to walk across the asphalt and toward my family home. The distance and heat must have been too much even for the mystery freak because she said nothing as we walked.

The Deadly Dragon Princess was clinging to my back and forcing her entire weight onto me, so my strength was being worn down quite quickly. It reminded me of poison damage in an RPG.

"Ahhh!! Detective, are there no cafes or family restaurants around here?"

"Give it up. This village only has a sweets shop. If you need a rest, there's a bus stop with a roof not far up ahead."

"This is horrible! Is this really part of j.a.pan!?"

"I moved to the city to get away from this, so complain to someone else."

As soon as we finally arrived at the bus stop, the mystery freak practically flung herself onto the bench but then started writhing around on top of that natural frying pan that had been heated by the sun.

"Hgywaaaaahhhh!?"

"Your problem is that you're the type of mystery freak whose brain stops working altogether when you don't have a case to solve. Why couldn't you at least guess that the angle of the sun can still let it reach the bench despite the roof?"

"U-uuhhh… This is just cruel. There's water so nearby yet I can't drink it."

"Huh? What is this doing in an Intellectual Village?" I muttered as I approached the object.

And that turned out to be a deadly mistake.

Despite emphasizing how soon he would be here over the phone, my uncle never arrived. I frowned and called him back a few times, but I couldn't reach him.

"What is going on?"

Had he run into some kind of trouble?

Noukotsu Village had an extremely slow train schedule. Counting both directions, only 5 trains came through in a day. One of those should have arrived at the station already. If my uncle had been on that train, he should have arrived in the city by now.

"Hmm… Maybe I should go down to the station to check."

I had hoped someone would go with me, but the Zashiki Warashi's policy was to refuse to do anything that would be too much of a bother and the Yuki Onna did not want to head out into the hot sun. As I looked around in search of someone to rope into going with me, the Nekomata turned away from me.

Is this because of how Youkai naturally hate my uncle so much?

"Oh, that's right. We've got a demon in addition to these Youkai."

And so I headed up to the attic using the steep and narrow wooden stairs that were practically a ladder.

The house was quite large and the attic was not divided into individual rooms, so it contained a decent amount of s.p.a.ce. However, it had a dank and stuffy impression due to not being a proper living s.p.a.ce, so it was not a place I liked going to.

But Youkai and demons tended to like places humans found uncomfortable, so it was quite well liked by them.

"The answer is #3: 50 countries!! The worldwide agricultural revolution focused on Australia is known as the International Plantation Project. Vast land is used to grow the specialties of countries the world over, such as Brazilian coffee, French grapes, and German potatoes. The standard is to use circular farms, but some crops use a combination of perfectly enclosed plant factories and megasolar facilities…"

It seemed the Succubus was watching the same quiz show rerun the Yuki Onna had been. I could hear the voice of the announcer who was known as the trivia king.

While standing on that steep ladder-like staircase, I stuck my head into the square attic. For some reason, the Succubus was sitting with her legs spread in an M-shape as if waiting for me. If I had been careless, my face would have run right in the center point of the M.

"What are you doing?"

"Just watching TV. Why do you ask?"

It seemed that sitting like that was as natural to her as sitting in the seiza style or cross-legged. After I explained the situation, she rolled backwards with her legs still spread in an M-shape. The movement somehow reminded me of a dead cicada.

"Demons prefer the darkness and Succubi rule over the night and dreams!! Why would you ever think I would go on a healthy walk under the midsummer sun!?"

Apparently, my uncle's nature worked long range and was just as effective on Western monsters as Eastern ones.

I ultimately had no choice but to head for the station alone.

As soon as I stepped outside, I was reminded just how unbearable the direct sunlight was. For an instant, I considered taking a page out of those Youkai's book and turning right back into the house, but I managed to resist.

I borrowed the Zashiki Warashi's electric stickboard and took off down the farm road that was barely wide enough for two light trucks to pa.s.s each other.

"There are no stores on the way, so there's almost no chance he took a detour."

I raced alongside rice paddies filled with rice plants swaying in the wind as I took the shortest route to the train station. Someone must have been hunting down some dangerous animal because I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the mountain. The old man who lived next door would sometimes share some boar meat with us, so I did not find it to be an unpleasant sound.

And then…

I spotted something sparkling on the side of the road. I ignored it, but I saw something else reflecting the sunlight a bit further on. After spotting three or four similar objects, I started to think it was strange.

What are those things?

They were objects I had seen on TV.

But…

"A cat-repellent water bottle?"[2]

I stopped the electric stickboard to check. The label had been removed from the plastic bottle and it was filled with water. I had often seen them placed in front of urban houses on TV.

But they were rarely used in Intellectual Villages.

For one, there was no scientific or zoological evidence they worked. Also, filling a round plastic bottle with water allowed it to function like a lens. When placed under the sun, it could easily start a fire.

Intellectual Villages thoroughly regulated their environment with all sorts of technology, so they had ways of more efficiently and effectively keeping stray cats away.

After all, this was where a bunch of grapes cost 30 thousand yen. When you could almost say that money did grow on trees, you would never protect those trees with mere superst.i.tion.

"What is this doing here?"

In my confusion, I approached the cat-repellent water bottle to get a closer look.

And then…

"No, Shin.o.bu!! If you approach that, you'll be caught in it too!!"

There was nothing he could have done.

By the time I heard my uncle's voice, I had already been caught in the Package.

s.h.i.t.

s.h.i.t, s.h.i.t, s.h.i.t, s.h.i.t!!

I had been so focused on being caught in the Package myself and searching for a way to escape this Youkai that I had been unable to stop a new sacrifice from appearing. And this was my nephew Shin.o.bu. What rules did any supposed G.o.d use to run this world?

I frantically ran over to Shin.o.bu but felt a dull pain run through my right ankle.

It felt like wooly caterpillars that a mere touch from would cause a rash had broken through the skin and burrowed into my body. It hurt, it itched, it was uncomfortable, and it filled me with revulsion. The negative feelings seemed enough to cover up the pure pain.

It was a string.

It was painfully clear that a spider's web had burrowed inside me.

"Uncle, what is-…!?"

Shin.o.bu trailed off as his face twisted in pain and he frantically crouched down to hold his right ankle with both hands. He was obviously experiencing the same symptoms as us.

I shouted into the distance.

"Mystery freak, there's a water bottle over here too! We missed one!! Shin.o.bu has been caught in the Package!!"

Hishigami Enbi and the Shikigami named the Deadly Dragon Princess approached. Those two, Shin.o.bu, and I were the current group caught in the Package. If possible, I did not want anyone else to be added to that group, but…

"What is going on, uncle…?"

"It's a Jorougumo. Someone has set up a Package using that deadly Youkai," I replied in a bitter voice.

Once we had understood the details of the Package to a certain extent, we had started by gathering all of the water bottles set up around the village. Everyone who approached them would be caught inside the Package, but the mystery freak and I were already caught. Touching the bottles could not cause any more harm to us. We had hoped to retrieve them all before someone else fell victim to them, but that had not happened.

The mystery freak explained the situation to Shin.o.bu.

"A Jorougumo is generally known as a Youkai that transforms into a beautiful woman during the day and sucks human blood as a giant spider at night. But this one seems to be a slightly different type. This is the Jorougumo said to appear at the Jouren Falls. The cat-repellent water bottles are a trap meant to apply the situation of 'taking a rest next to the water' to the target. Anyone who spends a certain amount of time near one of the bottles is designated a target. The bottles may even have actual water from the Jouren Falls inside."

Simply pa.s.sing by was no problem. However, if you stopped, the danger shot way up. We had not actually tested this, but the entire village would have been caught if the target simply had to approach within a certain distance.

"What exactly does this Youkai do?"

"It wraps its spider web around the ankle of any travelers resting near the waterfall and drags them into the waterfall basin to kill them. In the story, a traveler cut the web wrapped around his ankle and tied it around a tree stump to escape."

Shin.o.bu looked at me.

I shook my head and replied, "We've tried it. The web is invisible, but we can grab it. However, nothing happened even when we tried to tie it to the bus stop sign, the bench, or anything else. We even went to the mountain and found a stump, but that didn't work either. We can remove it temporarily, but it reappears back around our ankle before long."

Technically, it dug into our ankle in this Package instead of just around it.

"So they've altered that portion," commented Shin.o.bu.

The mystery freak sighed and said, "We don't know who did this, but it is obvious what they are after. Either everyone caught dies or they must fight each other to the death. The person behind this wants us to make that ultimate choice."

"What? I don't know what the time limit for this is, but don't we just have to find what has been designated the 'stump' and reattach the web to that?"

"The problem is what that 'stump' is," I cut in. "The mystery freak wrapped her web around my ankle as a joke, but that was the only time it did not reappear on her. …It was kind of awkward, so she reattached it to her ankle."

"…Wait. You're kidding."

"The b.a.s.t.a.r.d that a.s.sembled this Jorougumo Package has cruelly set the other partic.i.p.ants as the 'stump'."

As a police officer, this situation made me click my tongue, but it would have been unfair not to explain it.

"In other words, we have two options. We can wait until our time is up and all die, or we can force our web onto another partic.i.p.ant before our time is up. Those are the only two options."

"I doubt there is a limit to the number of webs someone can have forced on them, so one death would be the best we can hope for," added the mystery freak.

Naturally, no one wanted to be thrown into a deadly game of musical chairs.

That would decide who the sacrifice would be by a truly primitive method. In other words, all the partic.i.p.ants would try to kill each other, forcing all the damage onto the weakest one.

Shin.o.bu looked back down at his ankle and said, "By the way, how exactly will we be killed once our time is up?"

"We don't know. Since the story is about being dragged into a waterfall basin, drowning or falling from a great height would make the most sense, but the Jorougumo is a bloodsucking Youkai. And since the stump was pulled from the ground and dragged into the basin, being crushed to death may also be possible."

The only question was what the criminal wanted from this.

A rural area like an Intellectual Village had few main roads, so it would not be hard to catch someone in the Package by setting up the water bottles along those. However, it would be difficult to catch a specific target.

Was this nothing but indiscriminate murder?

Packages were developed by groups of dozens or even hundreds, so it seemed unlikely one would be built around the pleasure of an individual.

"I have a question," said Hishigami Mai's Shikigami all of a sudden. "A web has been attached to my ankle as well, but can this Jorougumo kill a Shikigami?"

"I'm not a specialist, so I couldn't tell you," replied the mystery freak. "But if this was a.s.sembled under the a.s.sumption that it would be killing humans, the damage set to drown or crush the victim might not be enough to kill you."

"I agree. And with that settled…"

We all focused on the Deadly Dragon Princess.

The Shikigami then said, "All of you can attach your webs to me. That will allow you to escape this danger. Even if my core structure is destroyed, I can be remade if you manage to rescue Hishigami Mai."

The last resort.

Once it was suggested, there was no point in rejecting it.

If time ran out with the webs still around all of our ankles, we would all die. The Package was put together to kill every last one of us. Denying that last resort would only increase the number of victims.

For that reason, the Deadly Dragon Princess's view was not wrong.

It was not wrong.

However…

"We can't, uncle." As expected, my nephew Shin.o.bu spoke up. Even if it was being idealistic, I felt he should be proud of still being able to say that here. "There has to be another way! A Package is a much larger system than it appears, so there are a lot of gears that can be removed. If we can find one of those, we won't have to make this choice like the criminal wants us to!!"

"But we have no way of knowing if we will succeed before time runs out. In fact, we do not even know the full scope of this Package. We have not even narrowed down who the suspects might be. If we begin gathering information now, we will never finish in time." The mystery freak's words stabbed at him coolly. "From the state of our ankles, the detective and I only have about 10 minutes left. The time limit meaning our deaths may be after that, but the web digging into our ankles will be too much for us soon. This strange itching is spreading so much it feels like my ankle is suffering necrosis."

"Shin.o.bu, don't worry. The limit will clearly come for us first. If worst comes to worst, you can attach your web to one of us. You at least can survive this."

"That's not what I'm trying to say!!"

I knew that he was trying to correct a fundamental mistake.

But we did not have time.

"We of course want to do whatever we can too. But think about what could happen. We are the first wave and you are the second. If you wait around until the entire first wave is gone, you will be the only person left. Once that happens, you will have no one to attach your web to."

Shin.o.bu gritted his teeth and looked over at the Deadly Dragon Princess.

That monster looked like a slender girl.

"I will be fine," she said to Shin.o.bu expressionlessly. "No Youkai is used in my construction. I am a Shikigami designed from the ground up with organic material. If my physical body is destroyed, it can simply be exchanged for anoth-ghh."

She misspoke at the end after biting her tongue.

Or so it seemed.

A slender and lithe arm pierced through the Deadly Dragon Princess's back and out of the center of her chest.

What?

Who did that?

When did they approach?

I belatedly realized that asking those obvious questions was getting my priorities out of order.

If what the Deadly Dragon Princess had said was accurate, she was a Shikigami, an artificial Youkai, created by Hishigami Mai.

Normal methods would never be enough to kill her, so how had a human killed her barehanded?

"According to my sister," Hishigami Enbi's lips trembled as she spoke, "the Deadly Dragon Princess is a model case for a potential enemy. She a.s.sumed she would be able to stand up to most any Youkai if she redesigned her own body so she could defeat it with a single punch."

That means…

The most likely candidate for who had destroyed the Shikigami in a single strike was…

"Hishigami Mai!?" shouted all three of us almost in unison.

The attacker pulled her slender arm out from the Deadly Dragon Princess's back and casually tossed the wreckage to the side. The Deadly Dragon Princess had said she would be fine if she was destroyed, but I had no way of knowing how true that was.

And I could not even focus on her battered form.

Every nerve in my body refused to let me look away from the attacker.

The attacker was indeed Hishigami Mai. I recognized the b.l.o.o.d.y arm and the hair that had been damaged by direct sunlight. However, I had never seen that look on her face. And half of her body was covered.

Covered in what, you ask?

Covered in j.a.panese paper used for calligraphy. Or perhaps you would call them magic charms. At any rate, about half of her body was covered with j.a.panese paper with strange writing on it. We had not exchanged a single word, but it was obvious that Mai was not her usual self. It was possible she could not even hear us. She looked like spell words congealed into a human form.

The Jorougumo Package had been unbeatable enough already.

And now the trump card we could use as a last resort had been destroyed.

Plus the enemy that now faced us was the worst possible enemy I could think of.

"We can't win," I calmly a.n.a.lyzed. Neither Shin.o.bu nor the mystery freak attempted to argue. "Don't try to fight her!! Our top priority is finding a way to escape this Jorougumo Package!!"

To make sure we were not all killed at once, we ran off in three different directions.

Hishigami Mai would likely pursue one of us.

This was like a game of musical chairs.

If we wanted to survive, we had to choose at least one person to die.

A much more direct, obvious, and horrible choice than the Jorougumo Package had presented itself.

In the end, I was cornered before I had been able to resolve anything.

This was Hishigami Mai.

She was the worst possible person I could think of to have as an enemy. I had run toward the mountain to get away from her.

But that may have been a mistake.

Then again, there may not have been a correct answer when it came to confronting that monster of a woman.

"Shin.o.bu!!"

My uncle called from somewhere.

He must have run after me because he was worried about me. Or so I thought at first. Doubt came soon after.

The final trump card that had existed ever since my uncle and that twintailed girl were caught in the Package was now gone. That Youkai(?) known as the Deadly Dragon Princess could no longer be given all of our webs. To escape the Package before the time limit, my uncle, the twintailed girl, and I had to force our Jorougumo web onto one of the others.

It was possible he had changed his plan.

My uncle and the twintailed girl had fallen into the Jorougumo Package before I had. That of course meant they had less time than me. They might want to force their webs onto me "for the moment" since I had more time.

If we then found a new way out of the Package, that was fine.

But what if we did not find one?

Once all the webs had been temporarily forced onto me, the only option would be my death.

I did not respond to my uncle's cry. I couldn't!

I could not decide whether I should hold my breath and stay where I was or run off at full speed despite the noise it would make. When it came down to pure violence, a normal high school student like me did not stand a chance against a professional police detective like my uncle. And he might also have a handgun.

If he shot me in the leg, my options would drop considerably.

I can't risk agreeing to my uncle's compromise.

But just as I thought that….

"Shin.o.bu!! Don't go that way! She's coming!!"

"Eh…?"

I had grown so lost in my suspicions that it took me too long to realize what my uncle meant. And my enemy did not overlook that mistake.

A sound exploded out from my body as if something solid had been knocked out of place.

I could not turn my head around to check behind me, much less continue standing. The best I could manage was twisting my waist around as I collapsed to the gra.s.sy-smelling dirt.

Only once I was lying on my back did I catch a glimpse of who had attacked me.

It was that monster of a woman who had half her body covered in j.a.panese paper or magic charms.

Somehow, she did not seem all there. It looked like she was sleepwalking.

"…Hishigami…Mai…?"

She gave no response.

She crouched down as if to peer at my face and her hands reached out for my neck. I tried to twist my body around to escape, but I could no longer move properly.

She showed no mercy.

She brought her hands in as if to strangle a chicken.

And then my heart truly did stop beating.

Something out of place was mixed into the gentle atmosphere of Noukotsu Village. Saijou Ai hummed as she looked at her cell phone and leaned against the side of her black luxury car known as a Hitman Tuxedo.

The text on the screen was short, but absolute and accurate.

"Jinnai Shin.o.bu: Confirmed dead."

"Uchimaku Hayabusa: Confirmed dead."

"Hishigami Enbi: Confirmed dead."

The possibility was incredibly low, but it was possible Hishigami Mai could have left Saijou's control and was now sending false information. However, that may have been worrying too much. And Saijou Ai held the core of the Jorougumo Package.

She wore a glove that appeared to be made of a thin silk.

Technically, it was spider silk woven into the form of a glove using the same techniques used for making violin strings.

It had originally been made along with the Jorougumo Package for a perverted nouveau riche old man who wanted to play the gamemaster in a killing game. The spider web glove that stuck to the palm reacted to the emotional disturbance of the game partic.i.p.ants and reproduced them as virtual feelings. Basically, it let the wearer "feel" the death agonies of the players.

The perverted old man had absolutely loved the idea of holding people's invisible souls in his hand, but he had ended up taking part in the game as a player after he failed to pay the fairly expensive rental price.

At any rate, the glove could be used to check on the progress of the Package by seeing who was dead and who was still alive. The Jorougumo would continue hunting its target until that target was dead.

All feeling had left the glove.

It was receiving no response from any of the players.

The arrival of the three emails had matched perfectly with the disappearance of the feeling.

This confirmed that Hishigami Mai was still under Saijou Ai's control and she had quickly killed every player, including her own sister.

But…

"Really, it could have been anyone," muttered Saijou Ai casually.

She had merely needed to cause a commotion within Noukotsu Village. That had been the point of the Jorougumo Package that forced people to kill each other, and that had been the point of Hishigami Mai.

She had actually wanted to get more people involved and use the Jorougumo Package to alter the atmosphere of the entire village, but this was enough. A diversion was meant to be abandoned anyway. As long as the true objective was achieved in the meantime, everything would work out in the end.

Her specialty was not sneaking deep into enemy ranks like a ninja from the Sengoku period. She instead created a flashy commotion and moved along in its shadow. Houjou and Toujou had often said she was like a stun grenade, but they were dead now.

Someone approached slowly as if sleepwalking.

Hishigami Mai looked to be in a horrible state with half of her body covered in magical charms that looked like j.a.panese paper. Technically, they were not charms but Youkai represented in textual form. Saijou Ai was well known among certain enthusiasts as a calligrapher who created nothing but ominous works.

Her methods were similar to Houjou's as he sealed power within Youkai art. It was said that kanji had been originally created by simplifying pictures, so this was not too surprising.

She had created hundreds of Youkai curses which were now robbing Hishigami Mai of control of her body.

The blood splattered on Hishigami Mai's body symbolized how far she had fallen.

That was the blood of those who had once been her companions or family.

This further confirmed what the emails and the Jorougumo glove had said.

She had shown no mercy.

She had slaughtered all of them and returned to Saijou Ai.

Saijou's commands were absolute.

No matter how much of an expert Hishigami Mai was, she could not escape this curse.

Saijou waved at her.

"Are you done?"

"…Are you?"

"I swiped them while you were having your fun, Mai-chan."

Something banged on the inside of the Hitman Tuxedo's trunk. Two Youkai that had been living in Noukotsu Village were contained inside.

"An Umbrella Obake and a Lantern Obake. …I doubt many people in j.a.pan know just how important these Youkai are, but Youkai that have no set purpose are quite rare and are quite valuable."

There was a Youkai known as Nurarihyon.

This Youkai was known as the leader of every Youkai in j.a.pan. However, that characteristic had mostly been created by humans.

It had originally been a type of ocean Youkai, but no one had known what it did.

And it could be freely remade into almost anything because its role was not decided.

In other words…

Depending on the situation, the Umbrella Obake and Lantern Obake could be remade in the same way.

They could be remade into a controller that could command any Youkai in j.a.pan.

"And on top of that, the Umbrella Obake and Lantern Obake are Tsuk.u.mogami. They are the type of Youkai that gain power the longer they are kept as possessions. That means I can make them change in convenient ways if I arrange their surrounding environment correctly. You could view it like a storehouse for wine or cheese."

The Hitman Tuxedo's trunk had already been remodeled for that purpose. The Umbrella Obake and Lantern Obake stored within would likely become Youkai controllers in about half a year.

Once a single trivial problem was dealt with, that is.

"Mai-chan, may I ask one last task of you?"

"Ask me anything."

"A child named Yonesaki Hiro lives in this Intellectual Village. Kill him. The Umbrella Obake and Lantern Obake only have value as neutral Youkai that hold no purpose, but it seems they have taken on the role of protecting their family. The purity of the final product should rise if that is completely destroyed before the a.s.sembly begins."

"Understood," she easily and readily replied.

Her killing techniques were valuable enough for Hyakki Yakou to frequently hire her. If she obeyed this command and used those techniques to their fullest, it was obvious what would become of Yonesaki Hiro.

Once Yonesaki Hiro was killed by Hishigami Mai and they escaped from Noukotsu Village with the Umbrella Obake and Lantern Obake, Saijou's objective would be complete.

The ultimate objective of Akki Rasetsu - which was now only Saijou Ai - was to perfectly fuse a human and a Youkai. She wished to obtain a physical body that was not bound by a lifespan and could ignore the laws and systems of the human world. However, she needed to create a controller to safely and surely gather plenty of sample Youkai. It was the bare minimum to ensure she was not killed by her own prey.

"I will be going then."

"Finish this quickly."

"Of course."

Saijou Ai did not make a habit of seeing puppets off.

She turned away from the pathetic loser and began thinking about her upcoming path to success.

And then…

Hishigami Mai's slender arm mercilessly stabbed into Saijou Ai's side.

"…Hh…Gh…?"

I heard an odd voice.

What was it she found so confusing? The fact that a giant hole had just been opened in her side or the fact that the slender arm of a lady could do that?

Or was it that I, Hishigami Mai, was not under her control?

"B-bghh!? Cough cough!! Wh-why!? Ngh…bheh!?"

Disgusting.

You don't even hear noises like that when cleaning bath pipes.

"Saijou-chan, was it? Y'see, I thought there was something beyond Houjou in Kyoto. I figured I would hear plenty of information if I purposefully let myself be taken into the enemy ranks. I'm disappointed at how little depth I found. A controller for all Youkai? Transplanting an Umbrella Obake and Lantern Obake into the Nurarihyon method? That's much too shallow. If this is all that's left of Akki Rasetsu, I feel sorry for the old leaders you went to the trouble of purging."

I had of course made sure to tie up the loose ends before enacting this plan. I had sent the Sunekosuri to tell the Illness Magic User to help the Amemura family move to a new home.

"Hh…bh?"

"I had expected you to easily believe I had been defeated as long as I released my precious Deadly Dragon Princess to help out…but to be honest, this was too easy. If you're going to control my body, at least test it out with some s.e.xual hara.s.sment."

C'mon, I'm going to the effort of explaining it to you.

Don't pa.s.s out yet. You have to hear me out.

"B-bfhh!! Cough cough!! Gygybh!! Hhy? Why? Y-you were…byhbh!? My Kosode no Te…were perfect…!!"

"Yes, yes. The Kosode no Te. That's a kimono Youkai that curses the wearer, right? Even if curses are difficult to avoid or defend against, it is relatively easy to deflect them into a different direction. Surely you know that the foundation of curse countermeasures is to deflect them back at the user, right? I was so covered in this j.a.panese paper that I was able to send the curses at each other, causing them to cancel out each other's effects."

"Jhbbh!?"

"So of course, I was never obeying your orders from the beginning. Yes, I stopped Jinnai Shin.o.bu-kun's heart. The same with the detective and my sister. …But I resuscitated them after exactly 20 seconds. The Jorougumo Package excludes anyone who dies. And it does not track what happens to people who have been excluded."

Thank you for falling for this so wonderfully.

But you can never survive in this world if that is all you have.

"If you really want to kill me, you either have to place the routes of the curses so I cannot calculate them or send in an overwhelming amount of curses like the Illness Magic User does. Get it now?"

"Bshbh!? Grgrh!! Gbhghchghrhbhjfbhfhjbhchbhrhfjdhcyehfhgyfjchhdfy!!!???"

"Those were some horrible curses and they have been running nonstop this whole time. The excess power has been building up like a bowstring being drawn. Let's just say it won't even leave behind a corpse."

I began removing the cheap magic charms attached to my body while paying no heed to Saijou-chan who had been sucked up down to the last drop of blood.

Wait, this is bad. If I take these off, I'll be naked. Um…Let's see. Oh. There's a blanket in the backseat of this ugly car. A gun too.

Now then…

It's Hishigami Mai-san's turn now.

My job would have been so much easier if defeating a smalltime villain like her was enough to bring an end to this incident.

I retrieved the Deadly Dragon Princess Shikigami I had released as decoy information needed to convince the enemy I had really lost. I then returned her to her "original world".

Hmm, I did a nice job of destroying her. I need to make sure to fix her later.

From what I had caught a glimpse of while pretending to be controlled, it seemed that Shikigami had taken a liking to that detective. I had commanded her to stick with him, but she had gone farther than that. It was possible he had lured her in with her favorite food.

I had already resuscitated the detective, my sister, and Jinnai Shin.o.bu-kun, so their lives were not in danger.

They arrived wanting an explanation, but I still had other things to do. I opened the trunk to Saijou-chan's ugly foreign car.

Inside I found…

Ohh, what's this!? They're so cute!!

"Bwahh!! Wh-what is going on!? Why would you suddenly lock us in here!?"

"It is too