The Young Maiden Part 10

A true marriage must be Free, contracted by the preference and choice of the parties. If it be done by constraint, or against the will of either, it comes short of an union, and is a mere bargain and sale. An offer may be accepted, simply to gratify a parent or a friend, when the taste of the lady would have prompted a rejection. The case of Madeline Bray, in Nickleby, is precisely of this character. She pledged herself a victim to one whom she did not love, and could not but secretly despise, and had the marriage been actually consummated, it would have hardly been a more incongruous, forced, and unnatural connection, than many which occur in real life. To marry _only_ to please a third person, even though it be a father, or mother, is never a duty, and can be the result only of a misled judgment, or a mistaken kind of filial piety.

Yet I by no means recommend the disregard of parental advice, in this sacred transaction. Perhaps the dangers of this age lie chiefly in that direction. There is often a false independence in this matter, an idea that a certain individual must be a lady's companion for life. She may believe that "the match was made in Heaven," and that it is a sin, in parents and friends, to oppose it. Or, she may determine that, let what will be the consequences, she will accept the overtures of the gentleman before her. The tendencies of the times induce many parents to keep silent, and take no part, and give no advice, when their daughters receive proposals for marriage. It is thought that, let them advise as they may, their children are resolved to do just as they please, and, to preserve peace, they forbear to interfere in the least.

This state of things cannot be too deeply deplored. When a young woman has an offer of addresses, it presents a solemn occasion, one which demands of her great deliberation, thoughtfulness and discretion. The instances are rare, in which an immediate decision can with propriety be effected. Counsel and a.s.sistance are never more needed, than in this important exigency. And to whom should one go, in preference to those who best understand her character, and what traits are needed in another to render her happy, and useful to him; and who feel also the deepest interest in her welfare? The daughter should seek advice from this quarter, and the parent ought promptly to give it.

In the other extreme, where parental partiality would coerce the feelings of a child, and impel her to a step she would fain avoid, then let the daughter mildly, but firmly, maintain her own purpose. I saw recently an account of a couple who were married nearly three years since, but owing to the opposition of friends, they lived separately, and kept their secret, until circ.u.mstances permitted a disclosure. Here must have been genuine affection, a true union of souls. "Stolen waters are sweet," and none seem more so, than the draughts of a clandestine marriage. Much as I deprecate the result of such elopements, I would rather a young lady should be even guilty of this imprudence, if she sincerely love her companion, than that she marry one she does not love, nor can hope ever to love, for the sake of gratifying any individual in the world. Let advice be sought, and let it be weighed and well heeded; but let it operate only on a free mind, and induce only to a more serious, and dispa.s.sionate consideration, for yourself, of the reply you shall give.

A good Disposition, if essential in the wife, is no less so in the husband. No young lady would marry one she believed dest.i.tute of this quality. Every instance, in which it is ultimately found to be wanting, is the result of a deception, either culpably disregarded by the lady, or so artfully conducted, during the days of "courtship," as to be then wholly unperceived. But of what value are all other recommendations, talent, beauty, wealth, family, without an amiable spirit, and kind feelings? She, who allows herself to hazard any thing on this point, is little less than insane. If her partner prove morose, sullen, selfish, it will blight forever the joys of their marriage day. Better had she been bound to the dead, as certain offenders of her s.e.x were said to be of old, than bound to a living ma.s.s of pollution, to one whose principles become more and more her horror, as they are daily betrayed.

Next to the disposition, I regard a good Temper as essential to domestic happiness. If nature have bestowed sparingly of this gift, and there be evidence of inward pa.s.sion, unless there be also unceasing efforts at self-control, commit not your destiny to the individual. When the restraints of unfamiliar acquaintance are at length thrown off, what can you antic.i.p.ate, but captiousness, and peevishness, if not actual violence? "Where surfaces," says one, "are contiguous, every little prominence is mutually felt." How fearful that minds subject to unrestrained anger, should be brought in so near collision, as may be produced by marriage.

You will desire proofs of sensibility. This is often accompanied by excitable pa.s.sions; but not uniformly, not of necessity. No one could be p.r.o.ne naturally to greater strength of pa.s.sion than Washington seems to have been, yet how admirably did he control his anger. The beau ideal of a desirable companion combines quick feelings, with a serene, self-possessed temper. Spare no efforts in ascertaining how near the individual who addresses you approaches this ideal. An utter failure, should present, in your view, an insuperable obstacle to a connection with him for life.

Another condition of happy marriage, is an union of spirit on the great subject of Religion. It is desirable that the husband and wife belong to the same Christian denomination; and that the family they const.i.tute worship in one church. Still, the circ.u.mstance of their adherence to different sects should not alone prevent their connection. They should hope to unite in their views on the main doctrines of religion; but even this is not indispensable to a true marriage. One thing, however, is so; and that is, that they each possess _the spirit of Charity_.

There must be sympathy, as respects the value and necessity of personal piety. It is not their belief alone, which can produce this; nor will a diversity of opinion prevent it, where the spirit of Christ exists mutually between them. We are told that, where husband and wife enter into a cordial union, there often becomes a growing personal resemblance of one to the other. Like views, tastes, feelings and interests, generate a similar expression of countenance. This blessed token of genuine affection, will often be manifested, where there is found a spiritual sympathy. Let this holy temper be deemed essential, and you shall

"Learn, by a mortal yearning, to ascend Towards a higher object.--Love was given, Encouraged, sanctioned, chiefly for that end."

I have in mind, an instance, where there seems great unity of spirit between two, whose religious opinions are supposed to be diametrically opposite. Who can tell but, by her singular charity, the wife is there sanctifying her husband, when had she exhibited toward him a bigoted and repulsive disposition, she might have driven him even to blank infidelity?

Let there be a full and frank expression of opinion on points of faith and conscience, before marriage, as well as after. Occasion is sometimes given for the complaint that the true feelings and intentions on this subject were concealed, during the engagement of the parties; or, that more charity was expressed then, than afterward. This, of all prospects, is most a.s.suredly fatal to the hope of a happy marriage. Whatever difference may exist, as to preferences of doctrine, or places of worship, let them be explicitly communicated, before marriage. Then will it never be said, "This I did not expect. It was not so, during our engagement."

The young woman may justly require that her future companion be a man of Intelligence. "Mental attractions alone can gain a lasting empire.

Where these are wanting, as the object loses its novelty, and becomes common, its beauties fade away, and the imagination, and the eyes which complacently and admiringly, rested upon them, begin to wander.--Love, if it ever existed, rapidly abates; one or both regret precipitation;--glaring defects stand out in bold relief, in place of the perfections which the imagination had painted." She, who does not regard another as at least her equal in talent and education, can hardly entertain for him that respect, which is the basis of all true love. Not only should there be a moral and religious, but also an intellectual, sympathy between husband and wife. Else, how can they enjoy the society and conversation of each other, in those numberless hours, when they are sole companions? What a burden to a lady of cultivated mind, must be the society of one, who takes no pleasure in a book, and can appreciate only the gossip of the day, or outward gratifications.

The mortification too, of being linked to stupidity, or ignorance, for life, of feeling always anxious, when in company, lest your companion utter the follies he does at your fireside, must be insupportable. If you have a husband, whom you cannot trust as a man of common sense at least, woe is your lot.

Nor is it unreasonable to require in your partner, refined Taste, and delicate feelings. There may be valuable traits, and still this be wanting. A friend of mine married an individual, whom she respected for his talents, and Christian character. But he was still dest.i.tute of acute perceptions and deep sensibility. There was a coa.r.s.eness in his nature, which made him blind to her feelings, and a vulgarity of habit and speech, which to her was completely disgusting. He did not intend any harm, but was still always offending her taste; and this simple circ.u.mstance embittered her whole happiness, and hastened her, I believe, out of this world. Opinions may differ; the grave may marry the gay, and the silent, the loquacious; the irritable may seek the calm; the bold, the modest; and the impa.s.sioned, the gentle. This occurs, indeed, according to the a.n.a.logy of the physical world, where attraction takes place between different bodies, as between the opposite poles of magnets, &c. But it is not so in matters of taste, certainly not, so far as refinement and coa.r.s.eness are concerned.

Good Health is a point of no ordinary moment. It is needful for the discharge of our duties; and she can hardly be justified, who allies herself to one evidently incapable, for his physical debility, of sustaining a family. A person afflicted by an incurable disease, especially if hereditary, cannot reasonably expect a young lady to sacrifice herself upon him. There are other offices, beside that of the nurse, demanded of a wife, and the cases should be rare, in which all other considerations are merged in this.

But there may be health, and still a deficiency in Energy of Character.

With this trait as the foundation, you may antic.i.p.ate a fair superstructure; but if this be wanting, you ought not, and cannot, look for anything but poverty, and wretchedness, throughout your connection.

A worldly-minded man, will be far from an interesting companion; yet, in the issue, it is better to trust yourself with the slave of business, than with a palpable drone.

Similarity of Fortune is to be desired in those who contemplate marriage. There need not be, it is true, entire equality in this respect; yet a great disparity of circ.u.mstances is often the source of melancholy evils. The individuals thus joined, will probably differ in their habits, and in their views of economy, of dress, and style of living. One shall appear mean, and the other extravagant. She, who is raised suddenly from poverty to affluence, must possess rare humility, to escape undue elation and pride. While to one accustomed to opulence, there will seem a degradation in the condition of a dest.i.tute husband.

These evils will spring up also in the character and feelings of the husband, where the wife has lived in circ.u.mstances entirely unlike his own. Instances there are, and will be, in which such consequences will not follow; but the tendencies are strongly in this direction.

The Ages of those joined in marriage, should be somewhat near each other. How else can there be true sympathy between them? One shall charge the other with levity, and that allegation be retorted by the charges of moroseness, and insensibility to enjoyment. It is well, perhaps, that there be that difference of age, which nature indicates in the s.e.xes. It is not of two, or four, years we speak. The great poet of humanity writes, and perhaps wisely,--if these be the limits,--thus:

"Let still the woman take An elder than herself; so wears she to him, So sways she level in her husband's heart."

Much has been said in relation to the expediency of Early Marriages. In Italy, early marriages are regarded as so important, that in many churches and fraternities, there are annual funds established, to raise portions, and procure comfortable matches for young maidens who are dest.i.tute. In their favor, is the circ.u.mstance that the habits are then less established, and the parties may more easily conform to one another, than afterward. Nor is prejudice then so strong, nor opinion so inflexible, as in later manhood. The husband and wife can hence educate one another better, than if their marriage had occurred late in life. It was for these, and for prudential reasons, that Dr. Franklin recommended early marriages.

On the other hand, it cannot be questioned, that young ladies are often engaged, and sometimes married too early, before their school education is completed, or their judgment matured. The mother is, perhaps, anxious to marry her daughters "off her hands," and, moved by a miserable ambition, she and they, lest she be later in her engagement than some companion, consent to her being sacrificed on the first offer, be it what it may. Hence come those fatal alliances, in which "a six month's acquaintance after marriage, transforms the beau ideal into a fool, or a c.o.xcomb; and the happy couple, to use an expression of Lady Blessington's, have to 'pay for a month of honey, with a life of vinegar.'" Circ.u.mstances should affect a predetermination on this point, yet where they are balanced, she is the wiser, who postpones a matrimonial connection, until her age, and her preparation for it, indicate its propriety.

Chapter X.

THE SOCIETY OF YOUNG MEN.

Importance of right views on this point. We cannot banish all thoughts of love. The opposite extreme. Regard not every one as a lover. Two errors in the society of gentlemen. Forwardness. The poet's caution. Undue reserve. The happy medium attainable. Should know a variety of gentlemen. The acquaintances of Brothers.

No period of life is more decisive of a female's character, than that at which she enters the society of the opposite s.e.x, as a woman. Her manners and conversation at that time usually do much to determine her condition for life. The IDEAL which she carries with her into the world, becomes the presiding star of her destiny. On her general estimate of man, and the views she entertains of his s.e.x, every thing now depends.

If she can penetrate character, and has resolution to form high purposes, blessed is her lot.

First, then, I cannot join with those who advise a young lady to banish entirely from her mind every thought of love, until she receives overtures for particular attention. Providence designed her for the exercise of her affections; why then seek wholly to suppress them, or to expend no thought whatever upon them? "Nature," says a recent writer, "will a.s.sert her rights over the beings she has made: she avenges all attempts to force or shackle her operations. We ought long ago to have been convinced that the only power allowed to us, is the power of direction." Yet "to girls have been denied the very thoughts of love,--even in its n.o.blest and purest form."--They "know nothing at all of it, or nothing but what they have clandestinely gathered from corrupt sources." Is not this evidently doing violence to one of the strongest, and I will add, the holiest, impulses of their nature? If it be true, as some affirm, that the marriage service is the first part of the Liturgy perused by a young lady, I do not regard it as matter for surprise, derision, or censure. She, who forces her mind wholly off this subject, will be ill qualified, when the occasion demands it, to listen to proposals of marriage. Ignorance and blindness can do little to give her that sound judgment, and true discrimination, which alone should dictate her reply. No, let this rather be done. Let her teachers and parents speak frankly on this topic, treat it as a serious concern, and aid her to form in her mind, a model of moral and intellectual excellence, such as would render one a desirable companion, and yet let this model be not a creature of romance, but of real life. Is it not better thus to guide the affections and regulate the views on this subject, than to stifle all feeling, and blindfold the mind to love? In what province should reason be exercised, if not in that, which affects our condition through life, for weal, or for woe?

But, while encouraged to give suitable thought to this subject, let not a young lady become totally absorbed in it. Let her not look only on a gentleman to canva.s.s his merits as a lover, and a husband. The s.e.xes should a.s.sociate for other and n.o.bler objects; for social enjoyment, for intellectual improvement, and for mutual aid, as moral and religious beings. She who overlooks these precious advantages of general society, sacrifices an invaluable means of education, no less than one of rational gratification.

Still less should one allow herself to imagine every gentleman in love with her. This sometimes occurs in consequence of an ignorance of the world; sometimes from the illusion of very strong affections; and again, from the unworthy practice of certain young men, who delight in exciting and trifling with the feelings of the opposite s.e.x. Let the cause be what it may, nothing more exposes a lady to ridicule. Such extreme and manifest sensitiveness provokes the trifler to fresh follies. The sensible are disgusted by it; and she, who thus indulges her imagination, is sowing the wind, and will reap the whirlwind. Sorrow, regret, and disappointment await her.

In regard to "behavior to gentlemen," I do not think set rules and forms are needful. Where the heart is duly controlled, and the understanding cultivated, and fancy a servant not mistress of the soul, the deportment will be spontaneously right, and commendable. Then all may safely be trusted to nature. The manners will be the expression of gentleness, mingled with firmness.

Two errors, however, are so prevalent in some circles, as to demand a pa.s.sing notice. One is that of the Forward and presuming. No lady can make advances of a character bold and obvious to a gentleman, and still retain a good name in society. Modesty is the only current coin of her s.e.x; nothing can atone for its absence. A self-possessed, yet retiring manner, is at once the index, and the charm, of female worth. It may be needless to speak of the confirmed coquette. She, like the c.o.xcomb, may expect no mercy from others. There are few, to whom the caution of the poet is necessary,

"She can both false and friendly be.

She gives a side glance and looks down, Beware! Beware!

Trust her not; She is fooling thee."

Examples of this character, I believe, are comparatively rare, despite his opinion, who said that "at sixteen, woman is a coquette, _par instinct_." Still, it is too true, that "the whole system of female education tends more to instruct women to allure, than to repel;"

although "as rationally might the military disciplinarian limit his tuition to the mode of a.s.sault, leaving his soldiery in entire ignorance of the tactics of defence."

Opposed to this fault stands that of undue Reserve. Some young ladies are so trained as apparently to enshrine themselves from all approach, in the society of gentlemen. They are models of decorum, miracles of prudence, and drawn up, as if always antic.i.p.ating a foe. They inwardly sneer at all sentiment, and deride those, who exhibit it, and pride themselves, above all things, in keeping every one completely at a distance.

I do not deny that a female has a right, and ought, to repel all improper liberties, and to shew those, who are unduly familiar, that she can a.s.sume, at fit times, a little dignity. But need one, in doing this, build round herself a wall of ice? Shall she, through fear of seeming fond and forward, put on an eternal frown? In avoiding French freedom, we often subst.i.tute an Anglo-American prudery. The slightest compliment is interpreted as flattery, so that the remarker must do violence to his honest convictions, lest he offend an ever-suspicious, maidenly, pride.

The true medium between boldness and a chilling reserve may not be easily attained; yet it is worth years of effort, even to approximate this happy manner. There are women, who can invite to easy and pleasant conversation, and yet repel the most trivial impropriety in a gentleman.

I could wish that our female writers, in their minute directions to the young of their s.e.x, had recommended this desirable medium, instead of teaching them to regard themselves as always acting on the defensive.

Can a lady never accept a present from a gentleman, without so doing it as to encourage his particular attentions? Does she, by consenting to walk, or ride with one, bind herself to him for life, or invite his addresses, as a suitor?

But let a young woman resolve, that, while she receives the ordinary marks of courtesy with readiness, she will not allow herself to infer that they signify every thing. If the remark of Lord Bacon be correct in general, that "women, when young, are the idols of men," the reverse of it is not seldom true. A companion for the evening is invested with imaginary dispositions, and she, who ought to have exercised her judgment, and waited for decisive tokens of favor, is captivated without the least intention on the part of her fancied lover.

It is certainly desirable that a young lady be acquainted, and that somewhat particularly, with a variety of gentlemen. Thus only can she be qualified to discriminate between the undeserving, the indifferent, and the excellent. How else can you know the indications of those who undervalue your s.e.x in general, the worthless, gay, and unprincipled, and guard against their influence? There are those, who delight in making sport of an inexperienced female. To understand the traits of such, you must sometime have met with them. But be sure you never place yourself in the power of an individual of this character, or of one, whose principles and designs you suspect. If you doubt the purity of any one who seeks your society frequently, consult a friend older or wiser than yourself; and abide by the judgment of disinterested observers.

There are instances, in which a young woman is brought into the society of the other s.e.x, by her Brothers. This sometimes exposes one to mistake the civilities of friendship, for manifestations of love. Thus situated, you ought to take special heed against those romantic ideas, and premature inclinations, that spring from pa.s.sion and fancy. Here as at all times, the advice of a judicious brother, before whom those of his own s.e.x are accustomed completely to disclose their true character, should be sought and prized. Do not permit yourself to indulge a predilection for one, against whom, as a companion for life, so near a relative and friend has warned you.

Chapter XI.

FIRST LOVE.