The Works of Charles and Mary Lamb Volume IV Part 52

FIRST LADY A cross, I believe, you would willingly hang at.

MELESINDA Intolerable spite!

(MR. H. _is announced_.)

(_Enter_ MR. H.)

FIRST LADY O, Mr. H. we are so glad----

SECOND LADY We have been so dull----

THIRD LADY So perfectly lifeless----You owe it to us, to be more than commonly entertaining.

MR. H.

Ladies, this is so obliging----

FOURTH LADY O, Mr. H. those ranunculas you said were dying, pretty things, they have got up----

FIFTH LADY I have worked that sprig you commended--I want you to come----

MR. H.

Ladies----

SIXTH LADY I have sent for that piece of music from London.

MR. H.

The Mozart--(_seeing Melesinda_.)--Melesinda!

SEVERAL LADIES AT ONCE Nay positively, Melesinda, you shan't engross him all to yourself.

(_While the Ladies are pressing about MR. H. the Gentlemen shew signs of displeasure_.)

FIRST GENTLEMAN We shan't be able to edge in a word, now this c.o.xcomb is come.

SECOND GENTLEMAN d.a.m.n him, I will affront him.

FIRST GENTLEMAN Sir, with your leave, I have a word to say to one of these ladies.

SECOND GENTLEMAN If we could be heard----

(_The ladies pay no attention but to_ MR. H.)

MR. H.

You see, gentlemen, how the matter stands. (_Hums an air_.) I am not my own master: positively I exist and breathe but to be agreeable to these----Did you speak?

FIRST GENTLEMAN And affects absence of mind, Puppy!

MR. H.

Who spoke of absence of mind, did you, Madam? How do you do, Lady Wearwell--how do? I did not see your ladyship before--what was I about to say--O--absence of mind. I am the most unhappy dog in that way, sometimes spurt out the strangest things--the most mal-a-propos--without meaning to give the least offence, upon my honour--sheer absence of mind--things I would have given the world not to have said.

FIRST GENTLEMAN Do you hear the c.o.xcomb?

FIRST LADY Great wits, they say----

SECOND LADY Your fine geniuses are most given----

THIRD LADY Men of bright parts are commonly too vivacious----

MR. H.

But you shall hear. I was to dine the other day at a great nabob's, that must be nameless, who, between ourselves, is strongly suspected of--being very rich, that's all. John, my valet, who knows my foible, cautioned me, while he was dressing me, as he usually does where he thinks there's a danger of my committing a _lapsus_, to take care in my conversation how I made any allusion direct or indirect to presents --you understand me? I set out double charged with my fellow's consideration and my own, and, to do myself justice, behaved with tolerable circ.u.mspection for the first half hour or so--till at last a gentleman in company, who was indulging a free vein of raillery at the expense of the ladies, stumbled upon that expression of the poet, which calls them "fair defects."

FIRST LADY It is Pope, I believe, who says it.

MR. H.

No, Madam; Milton. Where was I? O, "fair defects." This gave occasion to a critic in company, to deliver his opinion on the phrase--that led to an enumeration of all the various words which might have been used instead of "defect," as want, absence, poverty, deficiency, lack. This moment I, who had not been attending to the progress of the argument (as the denouement will shew) starting suddenly up out of one of my reveries, by some unfortunate connexion of ideas, which the last fatal word had excited, the devil put it into my head to turn round to the Nabob, who was sitting next me, and in a very marked manner (as it seemed to the company) to put the question to him, Pray, Sir, what may be the exact value of a lack of rupees? You may guess the confusion which followed.

FIRST LADY What a distressing circ.u.mstance!

SECOND LADY To a delicate mind--

THIRD LADY How embarra.s.sing--

FOURTH LADY I declare I quite pity you.

FIRST GENTLEMAN Puppy!

MR. H.

A Baronet at the table, seeing my dilemma, jogged my elbow; and a good-natured d.u.c.h.ess, who does every thing with a grace peculiar to herself, trod on my toes at that instant: this brought me to myself, and--covered with blushes, and pitied by all the ladies--I withdrew.

FIRST LADY How charmingly he tells a story.

SECOND LADY But how distressing!

MR. H.

Lord Squandercounsel, who is my particular friend, was pleased to rally me in his inimitable way upon it next day. I shall never forget a sensible thing he said on the occasion--speaking of absence of mind, my foible--says he, my dear Hogs--

SEVERAL LADIES Hogs----what--ha--

MR. H.

My dear Hogsflesh--my name--(_here an universal scream_)--O my cursed unfortunate tongue!--H, I mean--Where was I?

FIRST LADY Filthy--abominable!

SECOND LADY Unutterable!

THIRD LADY Hogs----foh!

FOURTH LADY Disgusting!