The Works of Aphra Behn Volume Iv Part 80

_Dull._ Mr. Clerk, come to the Tryals on the Dockett.

[_Clerk_ reads.

_Cler._ The first is between his Worship Justice _Whiff_ and one _Grubb_.

_Dull._ Ay, that _Grubb's_ a common Disturber, Brother, your Cause is a good Cause if well manag'd, here's to't.

[Drinks.

_Whiff._ I thank you, Brother _Dullman_--read my Pet.i.tion.

[Drinks.

_Cler._ The Pet.i.tion of Captain _Thomas Whiff_, sheweth, That whereas _Gilbert Grubb_ calls his Worship's Wife _Ann Whiff_ Wh.o.r.e, and said he would prove it; your Pet.i.tioner desires the Worshipful Bench to take it into Consideration, and your Pet.i.tioner shall ever pray, _&c._-- Here's two Witnesses have made Affidavit _viva voce_, an't like your Worships.

_Dull._ Call _Grubb_.

_Cler._ _Gilbert Grubb_, come into the Court.

_Grub._ Here.

_Whim._ Well, what can you say for your self, Mr. _Grubb_.

_Grub._ Why, an't like your Worship, my Wife invited some Neighbours Wives to drink a Cagg of Syder; now your Worship's Wife, Madam _Whiff_, being there fuddled, would have thrust me out of doors, and bid me go to my old Wh.o.r.e Madam _Whimsey_, meaning your Worship's Wife.

[To _Whimsey_.

_Whim._ Hah! My Wife called Wh.o.r.e, she's a Jade, and I'll arrest her Husband here--in an Action of Debts.

_Tim._ Gad zoors, she's no better than she should be, I'll warrant her.

_Whiff._ Look ye, Brother _Whimsey_, be patient; you know the humour of my _Nancy_, when she's drunk; but when she's sober, she's a civil Person, and shall ask your pardon.

_Whim._ Let this be done, and I am satisfied. And so here's to you.

[Drinks.

_Dull._ Go on to the Trial.

_Grub._ I being very angry, said indeed, I would prove her a greater Wh.o.r.e than Madam _Whimsey_.

_Cler._ An't like your Worships, he confesses the Words in open Court.

_Grub._ Why, an't like your Worships, she has had two b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, I'll prove it.

_Whiff._ Sirrah, Sirrah, that was when she was a Maid, not since I marry'd her; my marrying her made her honest.

_Dull._ Let there be an order of Court to sue him for _Scandalum magnatum_.

_Tim._ Mr. Clerk, let my Cause come next.

_Cler._ The Defendant's ready, Sir. [_Hazard_ comes to the Board.

_Tim._ Brothers of the Bench, take notice, that this Hector here coming into Mrs. _Flirt's_ Ordinary, where I was with my Brother _Dullman_ and Lieutenant _Boozer_; we gave him good Counsel to fall to work: Now my Gentleman here was affronted at this, forsooth, and makes no more to do but calls us Scoundrels, and drew his Sword on us; and had I not defended my self by running away, he had murdered me, and a.s.sa.s.sinated my two Brothers.

_Whiff._ What Witness have you, Brother?

_Tim._ Here's Mrs. _Flirt_ and her Maid _Nell_,--besides, we may be Witness for one another, I hope, our Words may be taken.

_Cler._ Mrs. _Flirt_ and _Nell_ are sworn. [They stand forth.

_Whim._ By the Oaths that you have taken, speak nothing but the truth.

_Flirt._ An't please your Worships, your Honours came to my House, where you found this young Gentleman: and your Honours invited him to drink with your Honours; Where after some opprobrious Words given him, Justice _Dullman_, and Justice _Boozer_ struck him over the Head; and after that indeed the Gentleman drew.

_Tim._ Mark that, Brother, he drew.

_Haz._ If I did, it was _se defendendo_.

_Tim._ Do you hear that, Brothers, he did it in defiance.

_Haz._ Sir, you ought not to sit Judge and Accuser too.

_Whiff._ The Gentleman's i'th' right, Brother, you cannot do't according to Law.

_Tim._ Gads zoors, what new tricks, new querks?

_Haz._ Gentlemen, take notice, he swears in Court.

_Tim._ Gads zoors, what's that to you, Sir?

_Haz._ This is the second time of his swearing.

_Whim._ What, do you think we are deaf, Sir? Come, come, proceed.

_Tim._ I desire he may be bound to his Good Behaviour, fin'd, and deliver up his Sword, what say you, Brother?

[Jogs _Dull._ who nods.

_Whim._ He's asleep, drink to him and waken him,-- you have miss'd the Cause by sleeping, Brother.

[Drinks.

_Dull._ Justice may nod, but never sleeps, Brother-- you were at--Deliver his Sword--a good Motion, let it be done.

[Drinks.

_Haz._ No, Gentlemen, I wear a Sword to right my self.

_Tim._ That's fine, i'faith, Gads zoors, I've worn a Sword this dozen Year, and never cou'd right my self.

_Whiff._ Ay, 'twou'd be a fine World if Men should wear Swords to right themselves; he that's bound to the Peace shall wear no Sword.

_Whim._ I say, he that's bound to the Peace ought to wear no Peruke, they may change 'em for black or white, and then who can know them.

_Haz._ I hope, Gentlemen, I may be allowed to speak for my self.