The Wit and Humor of America Volume IV Part 1

The Wit and Humor of America.

Volume IV.

THE BRIEFLESS BARRISTER

_A Ballad_

BY JOHN G. SAXE

An attorney was taking a turn, In shabby habiliments drest; His coat it was shockingly worn, And the rust had invested his vest.

His breeches had suffered a breach, His linen and worsted were worse; He had scarce a whole crown in his hat, And not half a crown in his purse.

And thus as he wandered along, A cheerless and comfortless elf, He sought for relief in a song, Or complainingly talked to himself:--

"Unfortunate man that I am!

I've never a client but grief: The case is, I've no case at all, And in brief, I've ne'er had a brief!

"I've waited and waited in vain, Expecting an 'opening' to find, Where an honest young lawyer might gain Some reward for toil of his mind.

"'Tis not that I'm wanting in law, Or lack an intelligent face, That others have cases to plead, While I have to plead for a case.

"O, how can a modest young man E'er hope for the smallest progression,-- The profession's already so full Of lawyers so full of profession!"

While thus he was strolling around, His eye accidentally fell On a very deep hole in the ground, And he sighed to himself, "It is well!"

To curb his emotions, he sat On the curbstone the s.p.a.ce of a minute, Then cried, "Here's an opening at last!"

And in less than a jiffy was in it!

Next morning twelve citizens came ('Twas the coroner bade them attend), To the end that it might be determined How the man had determined his end!

"The man was a lawyer, I hear,"

Quoth the foreman who sat on the corse.

"A lawyer? Alas!" said another, "Undoubtedly died of remorse!"

A third said, "He knew the deceased, An attorney well versed in the laws, And as to the cause of his death, 'Twas no doubt for the want of a cause."

The jury decided at length, After solemnly weighing the matter, That the lawyer was drown_d_ed, because He could not keep his head above water!

THE TWO HUSBANDS

BY CAROLYN WELLS

Once on a Time there were Two Men, each of whom married the Woman of his Choice. One Man devoted all his Energies to Getting Rich.

He was so absorbed in Acquiring Wealth that he Worked Night and Day to Accomplish his End.

By this Means he lost his Health, he became a Nervous Wreck, and was so Irritable and Irascible that his Wife Ceased to live with him and Returned to her Parents' House.

The Other Man made no Efforts to Earn Money, and after he had Spent his own and his Wife's Fortunes, Poverty Stared them in the Face.

Although his Wife had loved him Fondly, she could not Continue her affection toward One who could not Support her, so she left him and Returned to her Childhood's Home.

MORALS:

This Fable teaches that the Love of Money is the Root of All Evil, and that When Poverty Comes In At the Door, Loves Flies Out Of the Window.

THE STORY OF THE TWO FRIARS

BY EUGENE FIELD

It befell in the year 1662, in which same year were many witchcrafts and sorceries, such as never before had been seen and the like of which will never again, by grace of Heaven, afflict mankind--in this year it befell that the devil came upon earth to tempt an holy friar, named Friar Gonsol, being strictly minded to win that righteous vessel of piety unto his evil pleasance.

Now wit you well that this friar had grievously offended the devil, for of all men then on earth there was none more holier than he nor none surer to speak and to do sweet charity unto all his fellows in every place. Therefore it was that the devil was sore wroth at the Friar Gonsol, being mightily plagued not only by his teachings and his preachings, but also by the pious works which he continually did do.

Right truly the devil knew that by no common temptations was this friar to be moved, for the which reason did the devil seek in dark and troublous cogitations to bethink him of some new instrument wherewith he might bedazzle the eyes and ensnare the understanding of the holy man.

On a sudden it came unto the fiend that by no corporeal allurement would he be able to achieve his miserable end, for that by reason of an abstemious life and a frugal diet the Friar Gonsol had weaned his body from those frailties and l.u.s.ts to which human flesh is by nature of the old Adam within it disposed, and by long-continued vigils and by earnest devotion and by G.o.dly contemplations and by divers proper studies had fixed his mind and his soul with exceeding steadfastness upon things unto his eternal spiritual welfare appertaining. Therefore it beliked the devil to devise and to compound a certain little booke of mighty curious craft, wherewith he might be like to please the Friar Gonsol and, in the end, to ensnare him in his impious toils. Now this was the way of the devil's thinking, to wit: This friar shall suspect no evil in the booke, since never before hath the devil tempted mankind with such an instrument, the common things wherewith the devil tempteth man being (as all histories show and all theologies teach) fruit and women and other like things pleasing to the gross and perishable senses.

Therefore, argueth the devil, when I shall tempt this friar with a booke he shall be taken off his guard and shall not know it to be a temptation. And thereat was the devil exceeding merry and he did laugh full merrily.

Now presently came this thing of evil unto the friar in the guise of another friar and made a proper low obeisance unto the same. But the Friar Gonsol was not blinded to the craft of the devil, for from under the cloak and hood that he wore there did issue the smell of sulphur and of brimstone which alone the devil hath.

"Beshrew me," quoth the Friar Gonsol, "if the odour in my nostrils be spikenard and not the fumes of the bottomless pit!"

"Nay, sweet friar," spake the devil full courteously, "the fragrance thou perceivest is of frankincense and myrrh, for I am of holy orders and I have brought thee a righteous booke, delectable to look upon and profitable unto the reading."

Then were the eyes of that Friar Gonsol full of bright sparklings and his heart rejoiced with exceeding joy, for he did set most store, next to his spiritual welfare, by bookes wherein was food to his beneficial devouring.

"I do require thee," quoth the friar, "to shew me that booke that I may know the name thereof and discover whereof it treateth."

Then shewed the devil the booke unto the friar, and the friar saw it was an uncut unique of incalculable value; the height of it was half a cubit and the breadth of it the fourth part of a cubit and the thickness of it five barleycorns lacking the s.p.a.ce of three horsehairs. This booke contained, within its divers picturings, symbols and similitudes wrought with incomparable craft, the same being such as in human vanity are called proof before letters, and imprinted upon India paper; also the booke contained written upon its pages, divers names of them that had possessed it, all these having in their time been mighty and ill.u.s.trious personages; but what seemed most delectable unto the friar was an autographic writing wherein 'twas shewn that the booke sometime had been given by Venus di Medici to Apollos at Rhodes.

When therefore the Friar Gonsol saw the booke how that it was int.i.tuled and imprinted and adorned and bounden, he knew it to be of vast worth and he was mightily moved to possess it; therefore he required of the other (that was the devil) that he give unto him an option upon the same for the s.p.a.ce of seven days hence or until such a time as he could inquire concerning the booke in Lowndes and other such like authorities.

But the devil, smiling, quoth: "The booke shall be yours without price provided only you shall bind yourself to do me a service as I shall hereafter specify and direct."