The Wit and Humor of America Volume IX Part 16

"All of which is intensely interesting," observed the Bibliomaniac, "but I don't see how it helps to make your University Intelligence Office Company convincing."

"It helps in this way," explained the Idiot. "We shall have a Board of Inspectors made up of men with some knowledge of human nature who will put these thousands of young graduates through a cross-examination to find out just what they can do. Few of 'em have the slightest idea of that and they'll gladly pay for the a.s.sistance we propose to give them when they have discovered that they have taken the first real step toward securing a useful and profitable occupation. If a Valedictorian comes into the University Intelligence Office and applies for a job we'll put him through a third degree examination and if we discover in him those restful qualities which go to the making of a good plumber, we'll set about finding him a job in a plumbing establishment. If a Greek Salutatorian in search of a position has the sweep of arm and general uplift of manner that indicates a useful career as a window-washer, we will put him in communication with those who need just such a person."

"How about the coldly supercilious young man who knows it all and wishes to lead a life of elegant leisure, yet must have wages?" asked the Bibliomaniac. "Our Colleges are turning out many such."

"He's the easiest proposition in the bunch," replied the Idiot. "If they were all like that our fortunes would be established in a week."

"In what way?" persisted the Bibliomaniac.

"In two ways," replied the Idiot. "Such persons are constantly in demand as Janitors of cheap apartment houses which are going up with marvelous rapidity on all sides of us, and as Editors of ten-cent magazines, of which on the average there are, I believe, five new ones started every day of the year, including Sat.u.r.days, Sundays and legal holidays."

"I say, Mr. Idiot," said the Doctor later. "That was a bully idea of yours about the University Intelligence Office. It would be a lot of help to the thousands of youngsters who are graduated every year--but I don't think it's practicable just yet. What I wanted to ask you is if you could help me with Bill?"

"Certainly I can," said the Idiot.

"Really?" cried the Doctor.

"Yes, indeed," said the Idiot. "I can help you a lot."

"How? What shall I do?" asked the Doctor.

"Take my advice," whispered the Idiot. "Let Bill alone. He'll find himself. You can tell that by his answer."

"Oh!" said the Doctor, lapsing into solemnity. "I thought you could give me a material suggestion as to what to do with the boy."

"Ah! You want something specific, eh?" said the Idiot.

"Yes," said the Doctor.

"Well--get him a job as a Campaign Speaker. This is a great year for the stump," said the Idiot.

"That isn't bad," said the Doctor. "Which side?"

"Either," said the Idiot. "Or both. Bill has adaptability and, between you and me, from what I hear on the street _both_ sides are going to win this year. If they do, Bill's fortune is made."

THE COUNTRY SCHOOL

ANONYMOUS

Put to the door--the school's begun-- Stand in your places every one,-- Attend,----

Read in the Bible,--tell the place,-- _Job twentieth and the seventeenth va.r.s.e_-- Caleb, begin. _And--he--shall--suck_-- _Sir,--Moses got a pin and stuck_-- Silence,--stop Caleb--Moses! here!

What's this complaint? _I didn't, Sir_,-- Hold up your hand,--What, is't a pin?

_O dear, I won't do so again._ Read on. _The increase of his h-h-horse_-- Hold: H,O,U,S,E, spells house.

_Sir, what's this word? for I can't tell it._ Can't you indeed! Why, spell it. _Spell it._ Begin yourself, I say. _Who, I?_ Yes, try. Sure you can spell it. _Try._ Go, take your seats and primers, go, You sha'n't abuse the Bible so.

_Will pray Sir Master mend my pen?_ Say, Master, that's enough.--Here Ben, Is this your copy? Can't you tell?

Set all your letters parallel.

_I've done my sum--'tis just a groat_-- Let's see it.--_Master, m' I g' out?_ Yes, bring some wood in--What's that noise?

_It isn't I, Sir, it's them boys._--

Come, Billy, read--What's that? _That's A_-- _Sir, Jim has s.n.a.t.c.h'd my rule away_-- Return it, James.--Here rule with this-- Billy, read on,--_That's crooked S._ Read in the spelling-book--Begin-- _The boys are out_--Then call them in-- _My nose bleeds, mayn't I get some ice,_ _And hold it in my breeches?_--Yes.

John, keep your seat. _My sum is more_-- Then do't again--Divide by four, By twelve, and twenty--Mind the rule.

Now speak, Mana.s.seh, and spell tool.

_I can't--Well try--T,W,L._ Not wash'd your hands yet, b.o.o.by, ha?

You had your orders yesterday.

Give me the ferule, hold your hand.

_Oh! Oh!_ There,--mind my next command.

The grammar read. Tell where the place is.

_C sounds like K in cat and cases._ _My book is torn._ The next--_Here not_-- E final makes it long--say note.

What are the stops and marks, Susannah?

_Small points, Sir._--And how many, Hannah?

_Four, Sir._ How many, George? _You look:_ _Here's more than fifty in my book._ How's this? Just come, Sam? _Why, I've been_-- Who knocks? _I don't know, Sir._ Come in.

"Your most obedient, Sir?" and yours.

Sit down, Sir. Sam, put to the doors.

What do you bring to tell that's new!

"Nothing that's either strange or true.

What a prodigious school! I'm sure You've got a hundred here, or more.

A word, Sir, if you please." I will-- You girls, till I come in be still.

"Come, we can dance to-night--so you Dismiss your brain-distracting crew, And come--for all the girls are there, We'll have a fiddle and a player."

Well, mind and have the sleigh-bells sent, I'll soon dismiss my regiment.

Silence! The second cla.s.s must read.

As quick as possible--proceed.

Not found your book yet? Stand--be fix'd-- The next read, stop--the next--the next.

You need not read again, 'tis well.

Come, Tom and d.i.c.k, choose sides to spell.

_Will this word do?_ Yes, Tom spell dunce.

Sit still there all you little ones.

_I've got a word_,--Well, name it. _Gizzard._ You spell it, Sampson--_G_,_I_,_Z_.

Spell conscience, Jack. _K_,_O_,_N_, _S_,_H_,_U_,_N_,_T_,_S_.--Well done!

Put out the next--_Mine is folks._ Tim, spell it--_P_,_H_,_O_,_U_,_X_.

O shocking. Have you all tried? _No._ Say Master, but no matter, go-- Lay by your books--and you, Josiah, Help Jed to make the morning fire.

EVAN ANDERSON'S POKER PARTY