The Wit and Humor of America Volume VIII Part 25

The next Sunday Andrew did not change his best suit, as usual, after church, and his wife remarked the fact as she sat in a blanketed chair by the living room fire in the evening, with her "Christian Register" in her hand.

"Well, you know--I've ben thinkin'--Abby's settin' over there by herself, and it must be lonesome for the girl. And--if I'm--sort of--engaged to her--don't you see, Marthy? I don't want to leave you--but it's my duty to keep company with her. I want to carry out your wishes exact--every one. You can't ask a thing too hard for me to do."

"Yes, I know that, Andrew. If ever a man done his duty, it's you. And you've had little reward for it, too. I'm tryin' to git you a second wife that'll have her health and--and--yes, I presume to say that Abilonia'll ruther look for you to set a while, now that she is bespoke to you."

"Yes, that's what I guess I ought to do," and he rose briskly.

"Say, Andrew! Don't be in such a hurry. Come back a minute. You gear up ole Jule to the buggy and git down a comforter for me. I c'n walk some, to-day, and if you help me I c'n git into the buggy. I feel like the air would do me good.--Yes, I presume to say it'll be the death of me, but you never knew me to stop for that, did you? Git my circular cloak and the white cloud for my head. Yes, I'm goin', Andrew. When I git my mind made up, you know what it means."

There was a light in Abilonia's parlor when they drove up, and a man's figure showed through the gla.s.s panel of the door as he opened it.

"w.i.l.l.y Parks!" cried Mrs. Dobson in a queer voice.

"Yes, walk right in, Mr. Dobson. That isn't Mrs. Dobson with you--is it possible!--after so many years. Let me help you steady her. Well, this is a surprise! Just walk into the parlor and sit down. Abby's down cellar putting away the milk, but she'll be up in a minute."

"It's consid'able of a surprise to see you here, w.i.l.l.y; it's consid'able of a disapp'intment--to Mis' Dobson. She had set her mind on--on--"

ventured Andrew mildly.

"Yes, so I heard--and I thought I'd come home. Abby tells me that she is engaged to you--that she has given her solemn promise."

"That's what she has," said Andrew firmly. "That's what she has, and Mis' Dobson has set her mind on it--and I never refuse her nothin'. I don't want nothin' to reproach myself for. You went off and left that girl--the finest girl in town--and near about broke her heart. You ought to be ashamed to show yourself now."

"I am, Mr. Dobson," said the young man gravely, "and I deserve to lose her. But when I heard that she was engaged to you--as it were--it brought me to my senses, and, since you are my rival, I am going to ask you to be magnanimous. She is so good and true that I believe she will forgive me and take me back if you will release her--you and Mrs.

Dobson. You wouldn't hold her while Mrs. Dobson looks so smart as she does to-night--"

"No, Andrew, we won't hold her. It wouldn't be right. She's young--and--and real good lookin', and it would be a pity to spile a good match for her. We oughtn't to hold her--here she is. We will release you from your engagement to--to us, Abilonia--and may you be happy! I'm feelin' a sight better lately; that last bitters you got for me is a wonderful medicine, Andrew. I presume to say I'll be round on my feet yet, before long, and be able to take as good care of you as you have took of me all these years. It's a powerful medicine, that root bitters. We better be goin', Andrew. They've got things to talk about.

Good night, Abilonia. Good night, w.i.l.l.y."

THE KAISER'S FAREWELL TO PRINCE HENRY

BY BERT LESTON TAYLOR

Auf wiedersehen, brother mine!

Farewells will soon be kissed; And, ere you leave to breast the brine, Give me once more your fist;

That mailed fist, clenched high in air On many a foreign sh.o.r.e, Enforcing coaling stations where No stations were before;

That fist, which weaker nations view As if 'twere Michael's own.

And which appals the heathen who Bow down to wood and stone.

But this trip no bra.s.s knuckles. Glove That heavy mailed hand; Your mission now is one of Love And Peace--you understand.

All that's American you'll praise; The Yank can do no wrong.

To use his own expressive phrase, Just "jolly him along."

Express surprise to find, the more Of Roosevelt you see, How much I am like Theodore, And Theodore like me.

I am, in fact, (this might not be A bad thing to suggest,) The Theodore of the East, and he The William of the West.

And, should you get a chance, find out-- If anybody knows-- Exactly what it's all about, That Doctrine of Monroe's.

That's _entre nous_. My present plan You know as well as I; Be just as Yankee as you can; If needs be, eat some pie.

Cut out the kraut, cut out Rhine wine, Cut out the Schutzenfest, The Sangerbund, the Turnverein, The Kommers, and the rest.

And if some fool society "Die Wacht am Rhein" should sing, You sing "My Country 'tis of Thee"-- The tune's "G.o.d Save the King."

To our own kindred in that land There's not much you need tell.

Just tell them that you saw me, and That I was looking well.

JOHNNY'S LESSONS[9]

BY CARROLL WATSON RANKIN

'Tis very, very late; poor mamma and Cousin Kate, Papa and Aunty Jane, all know it to their sorrow.

Struggling with the mystery of Latin, Greek, and history, They're learning Johnny's lessons for the morrow.

His relatives are bright; still, it takes them half the night With only four of them--ofttimes a friend they borrow-- To grapple with hard sums, and to fill young John with crumbs Of wisdom 'gainst the coming of the morrow.

They bitterly complain; still, with only _one_ small brain, The boy needs all his kin can give him, for oh!

These lessons, if they slight 'em, how _can_ poor John recite 'em To a dozen wiser teachers on the morrow.

FOOTNOTES:

[9] Lippincott's Magazine.

GRANDFATHER SQUEERS

BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY

"My grandfather Squeers," said the Raggedy Man, As he solemnly lighted his pipe and began--

"The most indestructible man, for his years, And the grandest on earth, was my grandfather Squeers!

"He said, when he rounded his three-score-and-ten, 'I've the hang of it now and can do it again!'

"He had frozen his heels so repeatedly, he Could tell by them just what the weather would be;