The Wit and Humor of America Volume VIII Part 22

Then still, as opening sense her dictates wrote, Fair virtue put a seal, or vice a blot.

The thought was happy, pertinent, and true; Methinks a genius might the plan pursue.

I (can you pardon my presumption), I-- No wit, no genius--yet for once will try.

Various the papers various wants produce, The wants of fashion, elegance and use.

Men are as various; and, if right I scan, Each sort of _paper_ represents some _man_.

Pray not the fop,--half powder and half lace,-- Nice as a bandbox were his dwelling-place; He's the _gilt paper_, which apart you store, And lock from vulgar hands in the escritoire.

Mechanics, servants, farmers, and so forth, Are _copy-paper_, of inferior worth,-- Less prized, more useful, for your desk decreed.

Free to all pens, and prompt at every need.

The wretch whom avarice bids to pinch and spare, Starve, cheat, and pilfer, to enrich an heir, Is coa.r.s.e _brown paper_, such as peddlers choose To wrap up wares which better men will use.

Take next the miser's contrast, who destroys Health, fame and fortune in a round of joys.

Will any paper match him? Yes, throughout.

He's a true _sinking paper_, past all doubt.

The retail politician's anxious thought Deems _this_ side always right, and _that_ stark naught; He foams with censure, with applause he raves,-- A dupe to rumors, and a tool of knaves: He'll want no type his weakness to proclaim While such a thing as _foolscap_ has a name.

The hasty gentleman, whose blood runs high, Who picks a quarrel if you step awry, Who can't a jest, or hint, or look endure,-- What's he? What? _Touch-paper_, to be sure.

What are our poets, take them as they fall, Good, bad, rich, poor, much read, not read at all?

Them and their works in the same cla.s.s you'll find: They are the mere _waste paper_ of mankind.

Observe the maiden, innocently sweet; She's fair _white paper_, an unsullied sheet, On which the happy man, whom fate ordains, May write his _name_, and take her for his pains.

One instance more, and only one, I'll bring; 'Tis the _great man_ who scorns a little thing, Whose thoughts, whose deeds, whose maxims, are his own, Formed on the feelings of his heart alone; True genuine _royal paper_ is his breast,-- Of all the kinds most precious, purest, best.

NIAGARA BE DAMMED[7]

BY WALLACE IRWIN

"Them beauties o' Nature," said Senator Grabb, As he spat on the floor of Just.i.tia's halls, "Is pretty enough and artistic enough-- Referrin', of course, to Niagara Falls, Whose waters go rumblin' and mumblin' and grumblin'

And tearin' and stumblin' and b.u.mblin' and tumblin'

And foamin' and roarin'

And plungin' and pourin'

And wastin' the waters G.o.d gave to us creechers To wash down our liquor and wash up our feechers-- Then what in the deuce Is the swish-bingled use O' keepin' them noisy old cataracts busy To give folks a headache and make people dizzy?

"Some poets and children and cripples and fools They say that them Falls is eternal. That so?

Say, what is Eternity, Nature, and G.o.d Compared to the Inter-Graft Gaslighting Co.?

Could all the durn waterfalls born in creation Compete with a sugar or soap corporation?

But Nature, you feel, Has a voice in the deal?

She ain't. For I'm deaf both in that ear and this un-- If Nature talks Money I'm willin' to listen!

So bring on your dredges, And shovels and sledges, Yer bricklayers, masons, yer hammers and mauls-- The public be dammed while we dam up the Falls.

"Just look at the plans o' me beautiful dream!

A sewer-pipe conduit to carry the Falls Past eight hundred mill-wheels (great savin' of steam): The cliffs to be covered with dump heaps and walls, With many a smokestack and fly-wheel and pulley, Bridge, engine, and derrick--say, won't it look bully!

With, furnaces smokin', And stokers a-stokin'

With factory children a-workin' like Scotches A-turnin' out chewing-gum, shoe-laces, watches, And kitchen utensils, And patent lead-pencils, And mission-oak furniture, pie-crust, and flannels-- Thus turnin' Niag' to legitimate channels.

"The province o' Beauty," said Senator Grabb, "Is bossed by us fellers that know what to do.

When Senator Copper hogs half of a State He builds an Art Palace on Fift' Avenoo.

What people believed in the dark Middle Ages Don't go in this chapter o' history's pages, And the worship of mountains And rivers and fountains Is sinful, idolatrous, dark superst.i.tion-- And likely to lose in a cash proposition.

Ere the good time is past Let's get busy and cast Our bread on the waterfall--it'll come back.

We'll first pa.s.s the Grabb Bill, and then pa.s.s the sack."

FOOTNOTES:

[7] From "At the Sign of the Dollar," by Wallace Irwin. Copyright, 1905, by Fox, Duffield & Co.

THE FORBEARANCE OF THE ADMIRAL[8]

BY WALLACE IRWIN

I ain't afeard o' the Admiral, Though a common old tar I be, And I've oftentimes spoke to the Admiral Expressin' a bright idee; For he's very nice at takin' advice And a tractable man is he.

For once I says to the Admiral, Unterrified, though polite, "Don't think me critical, Admiral, But yer vessel ain't sailin' right; For our engine should be burnin' wood And our rattlelines should be tight."

But when I spoke to the Admiral He wasn't inclined to scold, Though me words, addressed to the Admiral, Was intimate-like and bold, (But he was up on deck at the time And I was down in the hold).

FOOTNOTES:

[8] From "Nautical Lays of a Landsman," by Wallace Irwin. Copyright, 1904, by Dodd, Mead & Co.

FATE

BY R. K. MUNKITTRICK

Once I planted some potatoes In my garden fair and bright; Unelated Long I waited, And no sprout appeared in sight.

But my "peachblows" in the cellar, On the cold and grimy flag, All serenely Sprouted greenly In an ancient paper bag.

THE LIFE ELIXIR OF MARTHY