The Wit and Humor of America Volume V Part 4

But I stiffen my back, and I stay on the track, And I won't get out of the way.

When a gaudy carriage bowls along, With a coachman perched on high, Solemn and fat, a c.o.c.kade in his hat, Just like a big blue fly, I swing my leaders across the road, And put a stop to his jaunt, And the ladies cry, "John, John, drive on!"

And I laugh when he says "I caun't."

Oh, life to me is a big picnic, From the rise to the set of sun!

The swells that ride in their fancy drags Don't begin to have my fun.

I'm king of the road, though I wear no crown, As I leisurely move along, For I own the streets, and I hold them down, And I love to hear this song: "Get out of the way with your dray!" "I won't!"

"Get out of the way, I say!"

But I stiffen my back, and I stay on the track, And I don't get out of the way.

BILL'S COURTSHIP

BY FRANK L. STANTON

I

Bill looked happy as could be One bright mornin'; an' says he: "Folks has been a-tellin' me Mollie's set her cap my way; An' I'm goin' thar' to-day With the license; so, ol' boy, Might's well shake, an' wish me joy!

Never seen a woman yit This here feller couldn't git!"

II

Now, it happened, that same day, I'd been lookin' Mollie's way;-- Jest had saddled my ol' hoss To go canterin' across Parson Jones's pastur', an'

Ax her fer her heart an' han'!

So, when Bill had had his say An' done set his weddin' day, I lit out an' rid that way.

III

Mollie met me at the door:-- "Glad to see yer face once more!"

She--says she: "Come in--come in!"

("It's the best man now will win,"

Thinks I to myself.) Then she Brung a rocker out fer me On the cool piazza wide, With her own chair right 'longside!

IV

In about two hours I knowed In that race I had the road!

Talked in sich a winnin' way Got her whar' she named the day, With her shiny head at rest On my speckled Sunday vest!

An', whilst in that happy state, Bill--he rid up to the gate.

V

Well, sir-ee!... He sot him down-- Cheapest lookin' chap in town!

(Knowed at once I'd set my traps!) Talked 'bout weather, an' the c.r.a.ps, An' a thousan' things; an' then-- Jest the lonesomest o' men-- Said he had so fur to ride, Reckoned it wuz time to slide!

VI

But I hollered out: "Ol' boy, Might's well shake, an' wish me joy!

I hain't seen the woman yit That this feller couldn't git!"

THE WOMAN WHO MARRIED AN OWL

BY ANNE VIRGINIA CULBERTSON

When the children got home from the nutting expedition and had eaten supper, they sat around discontentedly, wishing every few minutes that their mother had returned.

"I wish mamma would come back," said Ned. "I never know what to do in the evening when she isn't home."

"I 'low 'bout de bes' you-all kin do is ter lemme putt you ter baid,"

said Aunt 'Phrony.

"Don't want to go to bed," "I'm not sleepy," "Want to stay up," came in chorus from three pairs of lips.

"You chillen is wusser dan night owls," said the old woman. "Ef you keeps on wid dis settin'-up-all-night bizness, I boun' some er you gwine turn inter one'r dese yer big, fussy owls wid yaller eyes styarin', jes'

de way li'l Mars Kit doin' dis ve'y minnit, tryin' ter keep hisse'f awake. An' dat 'mines me uv a owl whar turnt hisse'f inter a man, an' ef a owl kin do dat, w'ats ter hinner one'r you-all turnin' inter a owl, I lak ter know? So you bes' come 'long up ter baid, an' ef you is right spry gettin' raidy, mebbe I'll whu'l in an' tell you 'bout dat owl."

The little procession moved upstairs, c.o.o.nie, the house-boy, bringing up the rear with an armful of sticks and some fat splinters of lightwood, which were soon blazing with an oily sputter. c.o.o.nie scented a story, and his bullet pate was bent over the fire an unnecessarily long time, as he blew valiant puffs upon the flames which no longer needed his a.s.sistance, and arranged and rearranged his skilfully piled sticks.

"Quit dat foolishness, n.i.g.g.e.r," said 'Phrony at last, "an' set down on de ha'th an' 'have yo'se'f. Ef you wanter stay, whyn't you sesso, stidder blowin' yo'se'f black in de face? Now, den, ef y'all raidy, I gwine begin.

"Dish yer w'at I gwine tell happen at de time er de 'ear w'en de Injuns wuz havin' der green-cawn darnse, an' I reckon you-all 'bout ter ax me w'at dat is, so I s'pose I mought ez well tell you. 'Long in Augus' w'en de Injuns stopped wu'kkin' de cawn, w'at we call 'layin' by de c.r.a.p,'

den dey cu'd mos' times tell ef 'twuz gwineter be a good c.r.a.p, so dey 'mence ter git raidy fer de darnse nigh a month befo'han'. Dey went ter de medincin' man an' axed him fer ter 'pint de day. Den medincin' man he sont out runners ter tell ev'b'dy, an' de runners dey kyar'd 'memb'ance-strings wid knots tied all 'long 'em, an' give 'em ter de people fer ter he'p 'em 'member. De folks dey'd cut off a knot f'um de string each day, an' w'en de las' one done cut off, den dey know de day fer de darnse wuz come. An' de medincin' man he sont out hunters, too, fer ter git game, an' mo' runners fer ter kyar' hit ter de people so's't dey mought cook hit an' bring hit in.

"W'en de time come, de people ga'rred toge'rr an' de medincin' man he tucken some er de new cawn an' some uv all de c.r.a.ps an' burnt hit, befo'

de people wuz 'lowed ter eat any. Atter de burnin', den he tucken a year er cawn in one han' an' ax fer blessin's an' good c.r.a.ps wid dat han', w'ile he raise up tu'rr han' ter de storm an' de win' an' de hail an'

baig 'em not ter bring evil 'pun de people. Atter dat, dey all made der bre'kfus' offen roas'in'-years er de new cawn an' den de darnse begun an' lasted fo' days an' fo' nights; de men dress' up in der bes' an' de gals wearin' gre't rattles tied on der knees, dat shuk an' rattled wid ev'y step.

"De gal whar I gwine tell 'bout wuz on her way home on de fo'th night, an' she wuz pow'ful tired, 'kase dem rattles is monst'ous haivy, an' she bin keepin' hit up fo' nights han' runnin'. She wuz gwine thu a dark place in de woods w'en suddintly she seed a young man all wrop up in a sof' gray blankit an' leanin' 'gins' a tree. His eyes wuz big an' roun'

an' bright, an' dey seemed ter bu'n lak fire. Dem eyes drord de gal an'

drord de gal 'twel she warn't 'feared no mo', an' she come nearer, an'

las' he putt out his arms wrop up in de gray blanket an' drord her clost 'twel she lean erg'in him, an' she look up in de big, bright eyes an'

she say, 'Whar is you, whar is you?' An' he say, 'Oo-goo-coo, Oo-goo-coo.' Dat wuz de Churry_kee_ name fer 'owl,' but de gal ain' pay no 'tention ter dat, for mos' er de Injun men wuz name' atter bu'ds an'

beas'eses an' sech ez dat. Atter dat she useter go out ter de woods ev'y night ter see de young man, an' she alluz sing out ter him, 'Whar is you, whar is you?' an' he'd arnser, 'Oo-goo-coo, Oo-goo-coo.' Dat wuz de on'ies wu'd he uver say, but de gal thought 'twuz all right, fer she done mek up her min' dat he 'longed ter nu'rr tribe er Injuns whar spoke diff'nt f'um her own people. Sidesen dat, she love' him, an' w'en gals is in love dey think ev'ything de man do is jes' 'bout right, an' dese yer co'tin'-couples is no gre't fer talkin,' nohow.

"De gal's daddy wuz daid an' her an' her mammy live all 'lone, so las'

she mek up her min' dat it be heap mo' handy ter have a man roun' de house, so she up an' tell her mammy dat she done got ma'ied. Her mammy say, 'You is, is you? Well, who de man?' De gal say 'Oo-goo-coo.' 'Well, den,' sez her mammy, 'I reckon you bes' bring home dish yer Oo-goo-coo an' see ef we kain't mek him useful. A li'l good game, now an' den, 'ud suit my mouf right well. We ain' have nair' pusson ter do no huntin' fer us sence yo' daddy died.'

"'Mammy,' sez de gal, 'I'se 'bleeged ter tell you dat my husban' kain't speak ow' langwidge.'