The Whale and the Grasshopper Part 9

"'But what about the topcoat?' ses Matty.

"'You'll get it,' ses the King. 'What's the loss of a topcoat, even though it might be a gift itself, compared to getting rid of a troublesome companion? Besides, a man who has made up his mind to commit suicide must be very careful of himself, lest a toothache, a bad attack of neuralgia, or the 'fluenza might cause him to change his mind. Many a man changed his mind for less.'

"So with those few words the King presented Matty with a new overcoat, and walked with him as far as the garden gate at the end of the Castle grounds, and then he ses, the same as they always say in America, 'Good-by, and call again some time.' But he did not say when."

"That seems to be a polite way of telling a person to go to the devil,"

said Micus.

"'Tis," said Padna, "but we might as well be polite when we can. And sincerity, unless 'tis accompanied by wisdom and discretion, does more harm than good."

"The world has suffered as much from sincere fools as it has from wise scoundrels," said Micus. "But what did Matty do when he took his leave of the King of Spain?"

"After that," said Padna, "he set sail for Persia, and called upon His Majesty the Gaekwar."

"It was the dead of night when he arrived at the Royal Palace, and without the least scruple he roused His Imperial Majesty from his slumbers. And when he put his head out of the window and asked who was there, Matty up and ses: 'Come down-stairs and open the door and I'll tell you.'

"So the Gaekwar came down-stairs in his nightshirt, and when he opened the door to let Matty in, he ses, as he frothed from the mouth with the sheer dint of pa.s.sion: 'Who, in the name of all the conger eels that are sold as salmon, are you, to bring a decent man from his bed at this hour of the night?'

"'I am one Matty the Goat, my father is dead, my grandfather was a protestant who never got any meat to eat on Fridays, and my great-grandfather could jump the height of himself before he was three sevens.'

"'To h.e.l.l with your father, your grandfather, and all belonging to you,' ses the Gaekwar. 'I can't for the life of me understand why people will bother their friends and acquaintances by retailing the exploits of their own family every time they get a chance.'

"'Well,' ses Matty, 'we think more of our own, of course, than they do about us, and if we didn't praise them, people might think they were no better than ourselves.'

"'Most people aren't worth praising or remembering anyway,' ses the Gaekwar. 'But that is no reason why you should bring me from my warm bed and have me shaking here like an aspen leaf, and the very stars themselves shivering with the cold.'

"'Sure, 'tis myself that's colder than any star, and I, that had to be out in a raging storm, with wind blowing a hundred miles an hour, and the rain falling and flooding the streets, and every raindrop would fill your hat.'

"'That doesn't interest me in the least,' ses the Gaekwar. 'What I want to know is what brought you here?'

"'I want to know whether 'twould be better to commit suicide in New York or Boston,' ses Matty.

"'Wisha, ten thousand curses, plus the curse of Cromwell on you, for a G.o.dson of the Devil, for no one else would try to get another to solve such a problem,' ses he.

"''Tis the way I must have the Devil for a guardian angel, I'm thinking,' ses Matty, 'because I am never out of trouble, G.o.d help me.'

"'There are many like you, I am glad to say,' ses the Gaekwar, 'and we are always pleased to find others worse off than ourselves. 'Tis the only compensation we have for being either unfortunate or foolish. Howsomever, come in out of the cold, and we will talk the matter over. But,' ses he, 'you must excuse the untidy condition of the house. The painters and plumbers are working here, and if you know anything at all, you must know what a mess they can make, especially the plumbers.'

"'Indeed, I do,' ses Matty. 'But you needn't make any apologies. I am a man after your own heart and just as humble and maybe as foolish, if not more so.'

"'Nevertheless,' ses the Gaekwar, 'I don't believe 'twould ever occur to me to call on yourself either at the dead of night or the middle of the broad day.'

"'I don't believe it would,' ses Matty.

"'Howsomever,' ses he, 'make yourself comfortable while I'll run up-stairs, and put on my clothes.'

"So Matty drew his chair to the fire, and when the Gaekwar returned, dressed in his new suit and clean collar, Matty ses: 'How is herself and the children?'

"'The children are all right, thank G.o.d,' ses the Gaekwar, 'but I am nearly worried to death about herself.'

"'And what's the matter with her?' ses Matty.

"'Oh,' ses the Gaekwar, 'I don't know. She seems to be perfectly happy and contented, and no longer loses her temper, or finds fault with any body or anything.'

"'Bedad,' ses Matty, 'that's a bad and a dangerous sign. Why don't you see a doctor?'

"'I've seen a dozen doctors, but they all say there is no name for her complaint. 'Tis some new disease, and there is no mention of it in the Bible, the modern novel, or the Cornucopia,' ses the Gaekwar.

"'Pharmacopoeia, you mean, I presume,' ses Matty.

"'Yes, yes. That's what I mean. You must excuse my ignorance,' ses he, 'because it isn't necessary for me to be as enlightened as the ordinary poor man who must work for his living. All that's expected of one like myself is to be able to read the sun-dial, lay a few foundation stones once 'n a while, review the troops, and eat a lot of good dinners. And now might I ask how is your wife and family, and what made you take it into your head to commit suicide?' ses the Gaekwar.

"'Well,' ses Matty, 'my trouble is just the reverse of yours. You are upset because your wife is contented and happy, and I am upset because my wives are discontented and unhappy.'

"'Your wives!' ses the Gaekwar, with surprise.

"'Yes,' ses Matty, 'I have two wives.'

"'Not another word,' ses the Gaekwar, 'until you will have three gla.s.ses of the best whiskey. 'Tis a wonder that you are above ground at all.'

"'G.o.d knows,' ses Matty, 'life is a terrible thing sometimes.'

"'Life,' ses the Gaekwar, 'is what other people make it for us. But even at that we should try and be content, more for our own sake than anything else. Fretting and worrying never made any one look young, and n.o.body would fret or worry at all if they only thought enough and worked hard enough. Some, you know, believe that we lived before, and that this life is the reward for our virtues in the other world. Indeed, some go so far as to say that this may be Heaven, while others think it must be--'

"'If that's so,' ses Matty, 'I'm glad I didn't meet some of the bla'gards I knew before they were born, so to speak.'

"'I imagine,' ses the Gaekwar, 'that a man with as much sense as you appear to have wouldn't buy a house without first seeing it.'

"'Of course not,' ses Matty.

"'Then what do you want to commit suicide for? That's just like buying a pig in a bag. You don't know what you are going to get until after you have made the purchase. Suicide, for all we know, may be only going from the frying pan into the fire. In a sense, 'tis like exchanging some valuable jewel for a lot of promises. And 'tis my solid belief that none of us know how wicked and foolish we are until we will get a peep at the Book of Records in the world to come. The very thought of that should be enough to keep a man alive forever. If there were as many worlds as there are stars, or grains of sands, then I might be able to understand why a man would want to commit suicide, if he was of a roaming disposition, and wanted to write a book of his travels and adventures. But suppose there is only one world, and that world may be this world, or there may be just another world, and that the next, what then? Anyway, I am surprised at you, an Irishman, not to be able to stand the abuse of two wives after all your race has suffered both from friends and enemies alike for generations. And Ireland's would-be friends, in many ways, have been her worst enemies. However, be that as it may, I would like to know what you would do if you were like the Sultan of Sparonica, and he with more wives than you could count in a month of Sundays. 'Tis always well to keep what you have until you are sure of getting something better,' ses the Gaekwar.

"'But,' ses Matty, 'suicide is often the fate of a brave man.'

"'No, Matty,' ses the Gaekwar, ''tis ever the fate of a foolish man. Life at its longest is so short that we should all be able to endure it, even when our plans do not work out to our satisfaction.'

"'But when a man loses interest in everything, and--'

"'No man should lose interest in the beautiful things of life. And who indeed will gainsay that life at its longest is too short, especially for a man with a grievance like yourself?'

"'Life is too short to understand women,' ses Matty.

"''Tis easy enough to understand them,' ses the Gaekwar, 'but 'tisn't easy to understand why we go to such trouble to please them.'

"'I'm going to commit suicide rather than try to please them any more,'

ses Matty, 'and if I could discover whether New York or Boston would be the better place to end my life, I'd be a happy man.'

"'You might as well die in either place as to jump from the Eiffel Tower, Blarney Castle, Shandon Steeple, or try to swim over Niagara Falls,' ses the Gaekwar.