The Whale and the Grasshopper Part 6

"'By the way,' ses the King, 'was the last one we had for dinner a Scotchman or a Welshman?'

"'I don't know,' ses Hamando. 'He spoke like a Yorkshireman, but he tasted like a Dutchman.'

"'I'm tired of foreigners like the Dutch,' ses the King, 'and I wouldn't mind having an Irishman for dinner to-day if you could secure one.'

"'I don't believe there's an Irishman to be had for love, money, or an argument,' ses Hamando.

"'Nonsense, man,' ses the King. 'Do you think 'tis in Jupiter or Mars you are? There's only one place where you can't find an Irishman, and you'd find one there too, only the Devil likes to have his own way in all matters. But no more old palaver, and search my dominions at once, and if you can't find an Irishman, I'll make vegetarians of each and every one of my loyal subjects.'

"'I'll do my best to oblige you,' ses Hamando, and away he went to the Prince of Ma.s.sahala, who was also Commander-in-Chief of the Army, and Secretary for the Colonies, and there and then the Prince gathered his army of ten hundred thousand men, and searched the mountains, and the valleys, and the caves and the hills, and the towns and the villages, but no trace of an Irishman could he find. And when he returned and told the story of his exploits and adventures to the King, there was never such ructions on land or sea. The King, who was never a man of mild disposition, nearly exploded from the sheer dint of anger, and he up and ses as his eyes bulged out of their sockets: 'Do you mean to tell me that there isn't a single Irishman to be had in all my dominions?'

"'We've searched high up and low down, but couldn't find a trace of one anywhere,' ses the Prince.

"'Was it the way you were all blindfolded?' ses the King, and he looked as though he was about to hand them over to the State Executioner, and order their skins to be sold for making gloves for the ladies of Paris, Ballingeary, and the United States.

"'Are there any Jews within the borders of my territory?' ses he.

"'There are two Jews for every fool in the community,' ses the Prince.

"'Well, then,' ses the King, 'there must be an Irishman about somewhere. And I'm thinking there is a leak in your memory, or else your education was sorely neglected. You should know at this hour of your life, if you know anything at all, that the Irish race was destined by Providence to make things easy for mankind in general, but the Jews in particular.'

"When the Prince heard this, he told his men to get ready for the road, and he marched at the head of his army to where the Jews were located, and sure enough, there he found the one and only Irishman in the whole country, and he brought him before the King. And when the King laid his optics on him, he up and ses: 'Holy smoke and tailors'

tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs,' ses he, 'where did you bring that red head from?'

"'Oh,' ses the Irishman, 'I never even asked myself that question, but I dare say I must have brought it from Denmark.'

"'From Denmark?' ses the King with surprise.

"'Yes,' ses the Irishman; ''twas my great-grandfather's great-grandfather's great-grandfather's father who killed Brian Boru at the Battle of Clontarf.'

"'Is that a fact?' ses the King.

"''Tis a solid fact,' ses Cormac McDermot, for that was his name.

"'Well, be the seven pipers of Ballymacthomas,' ses the King, 'that bates Bannagher. The man who killed Brian Boru was no slaumeen, by all accounts. And I like nothing better, when my day's work is done, than to read the exploits of Brian, and his compatriots the Knights of the Red Branch, for herself and the children.'

"'Are you fond of reading?' ses Cormac.

"'There's nothing gives me more pleasure,' ses the King, 'except teaching my chef to cook a Scotchman, and 'tis as hard to catch as 'tis to cook one.'

"'I have heard of a Scotchman who was caught one time,' ses Cormac.

"'When he was dead, I suppose,' ses the King.

"'Yes,' ses Cormac.

"'The time is flying, and a man gets hungry, and angry likewise, and there you are gabbing away, and myself waiting for dinner for the last three hours, and you showing no consideration for me at all. What way would you like to be cooked?' ses the King. 'You must be killed first, of course, though sometimes we does the cooking and the killing together, without as much as wasting a word about it. Howsomever, I am always lenient to the Irish, for I have an English strain in my temperament, and that's why I am giving you your choice in the matter of cooking.'

"'Well, bedad, to tell the truth, I'm not a bit particular about the cooking, but I am a trifle concerned about the killing. And before you will send me to my grave, I would like your Majesty to grant me one request,' ses Cormac.

"'And what's that?' ses the King, as he looked at his watch, for he was getting hungry and impatient.

"''Tis that I will be allowed to sing my swan song, so to speak, before I will die.'

"'Sing away to your heart's content,' ses the King. And the words were no sooner spoken than Cormac commenced to sing 'The Valley Lay Smiling Before Me,' and when he finished the last verse, there wasn't a dry handkerchief in the mult.i.tude that gathered around.

"'Bedad,' ses the King, 'that was well sung, and we'll have "The Bard of Armagh," now, if you please. 'Twas my poor mother's favourite song.'

"And when Cormac finished, the King shook hands with him and thanked him for his singing and in the same breath said 'good-by' as he was in a hurry to have him cooked for supper. Well, there wasn't much of the fool about Cormac, so he up and ses to the King: 'If I am causing your Majesty any inconvenience, I am sorry, but as one good turn deserves another, I think it is only fair to tell you that whoever eats even the smallest piece of myself, either raw or cooked, will immediately be turned into a tombstone like you'd see at Monasterboice. And after four-and-twenty hours, shamrocks will sprout on them, and then a great wind will spring up and scatter the leaves of the shamrock all over your territory, and whenever a leaf will fall on any of your subjects, they will be instantly turned into Irishmen, and then may the Lord have mercy on the foreigners.'

"'Is it the truth you are telling, you foxy rascal?' ses the King, and he looks very uneasy too.

"'If you don't believe me, why don't you kill me and find out?' ses Cormac. 'I'm nearly tired of living anyway.'

"The King got the fright of his life when he heard what Cormac said, and never another word did he utter about the killing or the cooking either, but ses he, when he recovered: 'Give us another song,' ses he, and then and there Cormac started 'Then You'll Remember Me,'

and the King was so much impressed that he told Hamando to fetch some tea, biscuits, and missionary sandwiches, for he thought Cormac was looking fatigued. And when Cormac ate the biscuits, drank the tea, but refused the sandwiches, because it was Friday, he thanked the King for his thoughtfulness, and said that he was glad to see His Majesty upholding the true Christian principles by treating his enemies with such consideration. 'Anyway,' ses he, ''tis always good policy to be on friendly terms with your enemies, or those who are likely to become your enemies. But always beware of diplomats,' ses he, 'because diplomacy is only a wolf in sheep's clothing.'

"'That's so,' ses the King, as he sharpened a pencil and drew a map of his dominions. 'Now,' ses he, 'I'm going to make you a little present,'

and there and then he cut off three-fourths of his country and gave it to Cormac. 'You can plant a hedge of skeeory bushes to divide our lands, and I will now make you King of Montobewlo, in presence of Hamando and myself. And I'll appoint you General Inspector of Cruelty to Animals, Children, and Insects besides. But,' ses he, 'it is absolutely necessary that you should become a real black man first, so you might as well strip off now, and have yourself washed in Injun ink, and you can send your old clothes to the King of Portugal, because he is out of a job at present, and it may be a long time before he gets one.'

"'I'll be only too pleased to send him my old clothes,' ses Cormac, 'because 'tis only right that kings should help each other, and have benefit societies like the bricklayers, and the market gardeners.'

"Well, when Cormac was washed in a tub of Injun ink, he was the purtiest-looking black man that ever was seen. And when his innumerable subjects saw his bulging muscles and red head, they were so impressed that some of them died of shock, but Cormac, like the decent man he was, had them all buried with military honours. His coronation was the grandest affair that ever was, and when the ceremony was all over, the King up and ses to him: 'Cormac, King of Montobewlo,' ses he, 'how many wives do you want? Three hundred or three thousand?'

"'Ten thousand thanks for your kind offer,' ses Cormac, 'but for the good of my nerves, and my people in general, I think I'll remain a bachelor. Of course,' ses he, 'wives are only women anyway, and where there are women there is jealousy, and where there's jealousy there is trouble. Women,' ses he, 'are all right to look at, but they are best when left alone. It will give me all I can do to look after the affairs of state, without bothering or trying to find out which of my wives might be telling the truth. But nevertheless,' ses he, as he took a scissors and clipped several slips of his red locks, 'you can distribute these among the ladies as a token of my regards and friendship. And now,' ses he, 'to show I harbour no ill feelings, if you want any more, I will be only too delighted to give what I can spare for planting on any of my subjects with bald heads.'

"And so the days and the years slipped away, until he got as fat as a cow in clover from eating whales, elephants, and c.o.c.kroaches. Then great wisdom came upon him, and he up and ses to the King one day, after they searched the whole country for a Jew, and couldn't find one, for they all emigrated to the United States to look after the Irish: 'Economy,' ses he, 'is one of the fundamental principles of good government, and that being so, let us put it into practice. We are getting old,' ses he, 'and the missionaries come here no longer. And we have eaten all the produce of the land in the way of live stock, but nevertheless our subjects must be provided for. Now,' ses he, 'I propose that all over fifty years of age should be killed, boiled or roasted, as the case may be, according to law, for the maintenance, sustenance, and nourishment of the others. Anybody over fifty years, unless he be a policeman or a king, isn't much good const.i.tutionally or otherwise; and as all our subjects are the property of the government, there is no reason why we shouldn't do what we like with them.'

"'Of course, we can do what we please with them, and I think you deserve a raise in your wages for conceiving such a wonderful idea,'

ses the King. 'Not only would we do our people a great justice by providing them with the very best kind of victuals, but we would save them funeral expenses besides.'

"'That's so,' ses Cormac, 'and any true philosopher must know that 'tis better that we should eat each other than that the worms should eat us. Anyway,' ses he, ''twill be all the same in a hundred years, as the Duke of Argyle said to the Leprechaun.'

"Well, the new law was duly enforced, and the age limit reduced to suit circ.u.mstances, and in less than ten years there wasn't any one left but Cormac and the King."

"Bedad, that's a strange story," said Micus. "I knew that an Irishman could become anything from a poet to a policeman, but I never heard of one becoming a cannibal before."

"Cormac didn't become a cannibal at all," said Padna.

"And how did he escape?" said Micus.

"He escaped by becoming a vegetarian the very day the law came into force," said Padna. "He just wanted to go home to Ireland, and he was afraid he'd have an uneasy conscience, if any of his subjects were left exposed to the dangers of a foreign country, and that was how he secured peace of mind before shaking the dust of Montobewlo off his heels."

"And what happened to the King?" asked Micus.

"As he was seeing Cormac off by the good ship Ennisferric that was bound for Cork's fair city, he slipped off the gangway, and when they went to look for him, they could only find a crocodile in the throes of indigestion," said Padna.