The Whale and the Grasshopper Part 26

"'Not a soul was saved but myself, and in those days I was a great swimmer, and I swam and swam until I found a piece of floating wreckage, and clung to it the way you'd see a barnacle clinging to the rocks. I remained that way for three days and three nights, without a bit to eat or anything to read, and nothing to drink but salt water. And sure I need not tell you that the more you'd drink of that, the more thirsty you'd become.

"'Well, at the end of the third night, I was cast up on a little bit of a rock no larger than a stepmother's supper, and while I was wondering how I could get a bit to eat or reach the sh.o.r.e in safety, a large fish about the size of a shark, but much more refined and respectable looking, came up from the depths of the sea, and as he came ash.o.r.e and sat beside me, he up and ses: "G.o.d bless all here," ses he.

"'"And you too," ses I.

"'"How are you feeling to-day?" ses he.

"'"A good deal worse than yesterday," ses I. "Can't you see, you foolish omadhaun, that I am all dripping wet from being saturated in the waters of the briny deep, for this last three days and nights?"

"'"That's nothing at all," ses he. "How would you like to be dripping wet like myself for twenty years or more?"

"'"Are you as old as all that?" ses I.

"'"Every day of it, if not more. My poor mother, G.o.d help her, had all our birthdays written down in a book, and she had us all called after the saints of America. Originality was a weakness with her, but now she's dead and gone, more's the pity!" ses he.

"'"What did she die of?" ses I. "Too much old talk, maybe."

"'"She didn't die a natural death at all, but was caught in a net and sold to a fishmonger, the same as everyone belonging to me, both young and old, and the list includes aunts and uncles, first and second cousins, fathers-in-law and mothers-in-law, and they the first blight on a man's happiness. And here I am now," ses he, "and I a poor orphan and the last of my name and race." And then the tears began to come to his eyes, and when he had stopped weeping he up and ses: "Do you know," ses he, "that I'm a misanthrope?"

"'"I'm not a bit surprised at that," ses I, "if, as you say, all belonging to you were philanthropists, and gave up their lives for the sustenance and maintenance of the people in the great world beyond. Indiscriminate philanthropy like that would make a pessimist of any one. Howsomever, things might be better or worse. You might have been caught in a net yourself, and sold to a family of tinkers, and I'm sure all your relations wouldn't bother their heads about you, or care whether you were boiled or fried. They would logically conclude that as they were so numerous, they could afford to lose at least one of the family," ses I.

"'"About that I haven't the remotest doubt," ses he. "But what I can't understand is why some women will marry their husbands so that they can help their own sisters' or brothers' children, as the case may be."

"'"Well," ses I, "once women arrive at the age of indiscretion, there's no use trying to understand them."

"'"Of course," ses he, "the great trouble with women, I'm thinking, is that they don't understand themselves or any one else, either."

"'"Be all that and more as it may," ses I, "even the most foolish women are well able to look after themselves. But old talk like this would never get me home. And unless you will take me on your back and swim with me to the sh.o.r.e, 'tis the way I'll be after dying both from cold and starvation."

"'"There was many a better man died from hunger," ses he. "And better men have died from believing all their wives told them. Howsomever, I will take you to the sh.o.r.e on one condition."

"'"And what may that be?" ses I.

"'"Well," ses he, "you must promise that you will never again taste a piece of fish while you live."

"'"Why, that's an easy matter," says I. "Sure, of course, I'll promise you that much, or as much more if you like."

"'"That's just like a coward," ses he. "A coward would promise anything to save his skin, and make a promise as quickly as he'd break one."

"'"I don't see for the life of me why you won't take the word of a decent man," ses I.

"'"Wisha, who told you that you were decent?" ses he. "Can't I see and tell what you are by the shifty look in your eye. To be candid, I wouldn't trust you as far as I'd throw you, and you with two ferrety eyes, and they so close together that only a rogue, a thief, a bla'guard, or a bully could own them, and one of them blind at that."

"'"If you only knew how I lost that winker," ses I, "'tis the way you'd be taking off your hat to me, and shaking hands with yourself for having met the likes of me."

"'"G.o.d knows," ses he, "there's no limit to the conceit of some and the ignorance of others. I have eaten my dinner off men and women too, that wouldn't recognise you at a dog fight. There was the King of Himyumhama and his royal daughters, for instance, who were drowned in the Skidderymackthomas. And there were two American millionaires besides, and they as tender and as nourishing as a boiled chicken or a porterhouse steak."

"'"I bet you," ses I, "that you never ate Irish stew."

"'"And who the devil would want to eat Irish stew but the Chinese? Sure the Irish themselves never eat it. However," ses he, "there's no use trying to convince me against my will. I'm a man of fixed ideas, and people with fixed ideas are nearly as impossible as women. Nevertheless, I suppose you are anxious to get to the sh.o.r.e, and for that I don't blame you. Like us all, you carry your character in your face, and I won't lose much by parting company with you. I'm sorry all the same that you haven't an honest countenance, because a face like yours would do you no more good among decent people than letters of introduction in the United States of America, and they are no more use to any one than the measles or the whooping cough."

"'"Well," ses I, "don't you think you are talking too much and doing too little?"

"'"That may be. Sure, my poor father always told me I'd make a good politician. Howsomever, sit up on my back, and I'll bring you safe and sound to the sh.o.r.e." And without waiting to say as much as thank you, or anything else, I jumped on his back, and he swam for a few hundred yards, but, lo and behold you! all of a sudden he stopped and turned around to me and ses: "Do you know what?" ses he. "I'm losing confidence in you."

"'"Indeed, then, is that so?" ses I.

"'"Yes, it is then," ses he, "and the little bit of respect I had for you in the beginning is nearly all gone."

"'"Is there any way by which I can inspire confidence in you, at all?" ses I.

"'"I don't believe there is," ses he. "I'm a patriot and want to do something for the race, besides making speeches about the achievements of my ancestors and getting well paid for my pains, and getting all my children and relations good jobs as well."

"'"And what is it you want to do, at all?" ses I.

"'"I want to make sure," ses he, "that you will keep your promise never to eat fish again."

"'"I will keep my promise," ses I.

"'"I don't believe a word of it," ses he. "There's n.o.body forgotten sooner than a good friend. But I'll make sure that you will remember me, as the traveling salesman said to the landlady, when he ran away without paying for his board and lodging."

"'"'Tis true," ses I, "that we forget our friends when they cease to be an advantage to us, and equally true that we lose respect for our enemies when they cease to torment and persecute us, but all the same I can't see why you won't finish your job, considering the good start you have made."

"'"I never pay any attention to flattery," ses he. "But whist. I have an idea! I suppose you often heard tell of the law of compensation?"

"'"Many and many a time," ses I.

"'"All right then!" ses he. "You know, of course, that we must pay a price for everything we get in this life, and some, they say, pay in the other world as well. That being so, then you must pay for your pa.s.sage to the sh.o.r.e. And as I haven't had my breakfast yet, I think you couldn't do better than forfeit one of your legs, and in that way you would serve the double purpose of paying for your journey and helping me to appease the pangs of hunger. And, besides, you will be sure to remember me, and 'tis a matter for yourself whether you will keep your promise or not." And then and there he did a double somersault, and I fell into the water, and before I had realized what had happened, my leg was bitten off. And while I tried to keep myself afloat by hanging on to some seaweed, he up and ses: "Bedad," ses he, "that was the nicest meal I had for many a long day. And I think now that I like the Irish better than the French, Germans, Scotch, Americans, or the Australians, and I have tasted them all."

"'"How do you like the English?" ses I.

"'"Don't talk to me about the English," ses he, "I wouldn't taste one of them if I had to go hungry for ever, for the stupid way they treated the Irish."

"'"G.o.d knows then, in a way, I wouldn't blame you. But 'tis a queer thing for you to leave me here to drown when you could carry me safely to the sh.o.r.e."

"'"Tell me, are you a Protestant?" ses he.

"'"I am, G.o.d forgive me," ses I.

"'"I am sorry for that," ses he.

"'"And why?" ses I.

"'"Well, I don't think I can carry you to the sh.o.r.e at all now,'

ses he.

"'"How's that?" ses I. "Sure all the Protestants are fine, decent, respectable people."