The Whale and the Grasshopper Part 2

"There are a lot of fools in the world, I'm thinking," said the stranger.

"There are, thank G.o.d," replied Micus. "Well, as true as I'm telling you, every one in the place took to their heels when the great noise came, except Bryan O'Loughlin and the Czar himself. And if you looked out through the windows of the Town Hall, you'd see for miles and miles and miles along the roads nothing but Grand Dukes and fair ladies, soldiers and sailors, and they flying helter-skelter as though the Devil, or Cromwell himself, was after them."

"And what did the Czar himself say?" queried the stranger.

"'The pusillanimous varmints,' ses he, as he trod the floor with disdain; and then, lo and behold! another blast rang out, and the Czar with all his swords and medals fell into Bryan's arms, and cried out! 'I'm a dead man,' ses he. 'Bury me with my mother's people!'

"But he was no more dead than myself, for he only stepped on a blank cartridge which was dropped by some of the Grand Dukes in the scrummage for the doors--and that's what nearly took the senses from His Royal Highness the Czar of Russia.

"Well, when he came to himself some time after, he ses to Bryan: 'You're a brave man,' ses he, 'and you must be rewarded for your valor,' and Bryan felt as proud as the Duke of Wellington and he after putting the comether on poor Napoleon; and to show how little he cared for danger, he trod on every cartridge he saw on the floor, and if you were there you'd think 'twas at the battle of Vinegar Hill you were.

"'Be careful,' ses the Czar, 'one of them cartridges might be loaded. I can see you are a brave man' (and he was too, for he was married three times, and he a widower, and he but three and thirty). 'There's nothing like discretion,' ses the Czar, 'if you want to keep alive and out of trouble.'

"'I'm afraid of nothing,' ses Bryan. 'And I'll always befriend a stranger in a foreign country.'

"And when the Czar heard that, he ses: 'Bryan O'Loughlin of Cahermore, come here to me,' and Bryan came. 'Sit down there,' ses he, 'while I fill my pipe,' and when his pipe was filled, he up and ses, as he drew a lot of photographs from his pocket: 'These are my seven daughters,' ses he, and Bryan was delighted and surprised, so he ses: 'And is their mother living too?' 'She is, indeed,' says the Czar, and without saying another word he pulls her photograph out of another pocket, and when Bryan sees it, he ses: ''Pon my word, she's a fine, decent, grauver looking woman, and I wouldn't mind having her for a mother myself, only she looks too like a protestant.'

"'She was the d.u.c.h.ess of Skatchachivouchi,' ses the Czar.

"'Is that so? Well, then, she comes of a real decent family,'

ses Bryan.

"'Now,' ses the Czar, 'I want to reward you for your wonderful courage, so you can have your choice of my seven daughters,' ses he, 'and I'll make you Duke of Siberia besides.'

"But Bryan neither hummed nor hawed, and only asked him for the fill of his pipe, and when both were puffing away together, ses Bryan to the Czar: 'I can see you are a decent man, and I must thank you for your kindness, and indeed I must say also that your daughters are fine respectable-looking young women, and I'm sure that they would make good wives if they were well looked after. But I promised my last wife, and she on her dying bed, that I would never marry any one again but the King of Spain's daughter.'

"And when he had all that said, the Czar looked very sad, and turned as pale as a ghost, and all he said was: 'Well, I couldn't do any more for you,' and then ses he: 'Is there any place down here where we can have a drink?'

"'There is,' said Bryan, 'down in the glen at the Fox and Hounds.'

"So off they marched together, and after they treated each other to three halfs of whiskey each, the Czar looked very tired and forlorn, and said, as they made a short cut through St. Kevin's boreen, and observed the clouds of night coming on from east and west, and south and north, and not a friend nor an enemy in sight: 'Well,' ses he, 'how the devil am I to reach the sh.o.r.e in safety? I'm a mighty monarch, and I must have a bodyguard.'

"To all this, and more besides, Bryan listened, but never a word did he say until he smoked nearly all the Czar's tobacco, and burnt all his matches; and then all of a sudden he ses, 'Leave it to me,'

ses he. 'I can get you a bodyguard.'

"'I wouldn't doubt you,' ses the Czar, as he slipped him a guinea. 'You can have this,' ses he, 'as you wouldn't have any of my daughters and be made the Duke of Siberia. But we'll none the less be friends,'

ses he. 'Life is a tragedy or a comedy according to the way you look at it.'

"'The world's a stage,' says Bryan, 'but most of the actors don't know how to act: they are only supers at best!'

"'That's so,' ses the Czar. 'But what about my bodyguard?'

"'I'm thinking of it,' ses Bryan. 'Do you know my brother Larry?'

"'No,' says the Czar, 'the pleasure isn't mine.

"'Well, he's a second corporal in the Ballygarvan Lancers, and he's a great friend of the sergeant's, and between us I think we can find a bodyguard.'

"And as true as I'm telling you, after supper that night the Czar of Russia marched through the streets of Cahermore with a bodyguard of the Ballygarvan Lancers behind and before him, and Bryan out in front leading the way, with a gun on his shoulder and a sword by his side, and everybody taking off their hats to him as he pa.s.sed."

"And what happened to the Czar?" inquired the stranger.

"He went on board his warship and sacked all his generals, admirals, and Grand Dukes, and when he went back to Russia, he sent over his architect and masons to build a house for Bryan, and that's the house in the valley beyond."

"And was that the end of Bryan O'Loughlin and the Czar of Russia?"

"No," answered Micus. "Every Christmas his Royal Highness used to send Bryan Christmas cards from himself and the wife and children, and a box of blessed candles besides, and a bag of birdseed for the linnets, and sweetpea seed for the garden also; and there was no happier man in the whole world than Bryan till the day he died. And that's the end of my story."

"I think 'tis time to be going home now," said the stranger. "The swallows are flying low, and night will be overtaking me before I will be over the mountain."

"Don't get wet, whatever you do," said Micus. "It's bad for the rheumatics."

PEACE AND WAR

What about the story you promised to tell me last night?" said Micus to his friend Padna.

"Draw your chair closer to the fire, and you'll hear it," said Padna, and this is what he told:

"Johnny Moonlight was so called because of his love of nocturnal rambling, and Peep o' Day won his name because he rose every morning to see the sun rising. Johnny and Peep were neighbors, and it was no unusual thing for Johnny to meet Peep as he wended his way home while Peep wended his way from it. Johnny was the more loquacious of the two, and when Peep, who rose earlier than was his wont, saw him watching the reflection of the moon in the placid waters of Glenmoran Bay, he up and ses:

"What are you doing at all, at all, Johnny?"

"I am watching the moonbeams glistening on the waters," replied Johnny, "and what greater pleasure could any man have and all for nothing too?"

"'Tis a glorious and a beautiful sight, surely, but the greatest of all pleasures is to see the sun rising and to listen to the birds singing in the bushes and to hear the c.o.c.ks crowing and clapping their wings, not to say a word about watching the flowers opening up and drinking the morning dew. 'Tis in the morning that the world rejoices, and in the morning we see the work of G.o.d everywhere, and 'tis only in the darkness of the night that the badness comes upon men. Everybody loves the morning, and all the poets have written about it."

"Don't be bothering me about the poets. I'd rather walk by the light of the moon through the glens and the woods, through the winding boreens when the hawthorn and woodbine are in bloom, or by the sh.o.r.e of the bay when the world does be sleeping, and have nothing to disturb my thoughts, except maybe a rabbit skedaddling through the ferns, or a banshee wailing when some one gets killed in the wars, than to see the sun breaking through the clouds at the grey of dawn.

"There's a lonesomeness and a queerness about the beginning of everything, and 'twas always the shaky feeling that came over me when I stayed out so late as to be caught by the rising sun on the roadside. But every man is ent.i.tled to his own opinion until he gets married, so we won't quarrel, because people who quarrel are always sorry for the things they say and the things they forget to say."

"You can't change a man's opinion," said Peep, "unless you change himself, and then he'd be some one else and stick to his own opinion the same as any of us."

"That's true," said Johnny, "and there's nothing worse than truth except lies. People only tell the truth when they are afraid of telling lies and then they must lie about it before any one believes them.

"Truth will make lies all fall to pieces, but more lies will patch them together again. So 'tis as good to be such a liar that n.o.body believes you as to be so fond of the truth that no one would trust you."

"Wisha, for goodness' sake, do you think that I have nothing else to do but getting my brains twisted trying to follow your contrary reasoning, which only leads a sensible man into confusion and bewilderment? What's the use of anything if you don't know how to enjoy yourself?"

"Devil the bit, and why people should go to the inconvenience of annoying themselves in order to please n.o.body is more than I can understand."

"If people could understand why they're sensible they'd become foolish, and if they could understand why they're foolish they'd become sensible. But as the wise and the foolish will never know what's the matter with each other, there will be always trouble in the world."