The Whale and the Grasshopper Part 18

"'You never told me to do so,' ses Garret. 'And if I did start it without your permission, I might have been sent to gaol for five hundred years or more.'

"'Well,' ses the Judge, 'I'm sorry I can't send you to a warmer place than gaol to punish you for fooling me in such a successful manner. Why, man alive,' ses he, 'your conduct is preposterous; in fact, 'tis worse, because 'tis ridiculous as well.'

"''Tis the incongruity of things that makes a living for most of us,'

ses Garret. 'And only a fool would get angry about anything. Anyway,'

ses he, 'I don't care a traneen what happens to you, so long as I will get what is coming to me.'

"'Bedad,' ses the Judge, 'in spite of all our old talk, that seems to be the beginning and end of human ambition. We all like to get as much as we can for nothing, and give as little as possible in return.'

"But to finish my story, the case was taken from the high courts to the low courts, and from the low courts back again to the high courts, and between the jigs and the reels, so to speak, Garret got his money, and Patcheen the Piper never asked any one to stop a mill again."

"That's the devil's own queer yarn," said Padna. "If we all had to wait until we were told what to do, we wouldn't do anything at all."

"We wouldn't," agreed Micus.

SHAUNO AND THE SHAH

"Well," said Padna to his friend Micus, as they sat on a donkey cart on their way to market, "I wonder if you ever heard tell of Shauno the Rover."

"Wisha, indeed I did not then. Who was he at all?" asked Micus.

"He was a distant relation of my own who lived in the good old days when women stayed at home and looked after the children and the household," said Padna. "And he was as contrary a creature as ever mistook ignorance for knowledge, and like all of his kind he was as happy as the days are long when he was giving trouble to some one else. But, bad luck to him and to all like him, he was the most dissatisfied man that was ever allowed to have all his own way, and 'tis said he could swear in seven languages, and swear all day without getting tired.

"However, though he was queer and contrary, he was a gentleman withal. And he was never known to use his rare vocabulary in the presence of ladies, but would wait until their backs were turned, like a well-trained married man, and then curse and d.a.m.n them one and all to perdition."

"And was it the way he disliked women?" said Micus.

"Not exactly, but because he couldn't find any particular one that he could like better than another. And that was why he made up his mind to leave the country altogether, and go to foreign parts to look for a wife who might be different from any he might find at home,"

said Padna.

"Bedad," said Micus, "Shauno must have been a genius or else a fool, and at times it takes a wise man to know one from the other."

"Whatever he was, or whatever he wasn't, one thing is certain, and that is, he was an excellent actor both on and off the stage, and could play the part of poet or peasant, king or beggar, with equal grace and naturalness. And so it was one day, when he got heartily sick of all the tame nonent.i.ties he had to deal with, he up and ses to himself: 'Shauno,' ses he, 'there are enough of mollycoddles and pious humbugs in the world without adding to their number, and unless you will do something original now while you are young and foolish, you are not likely to do anything but what some one else tells you to do when you are old.'

"And without saying another word, he went straight home, dressed himself up as Henry the Eighth, and after paying a visit to the mayor of the town, went on board a warship that was lying in the harbour beyond. And when the poor captain saw Shauno attired like a mighty monarch, he got the fright of his life, and never said a word at all until Shauno up and ses: ''Tis a fine day, Captain,' ses he.

"'I know that myself, already,' ses the Captain, 'but who in the name of all the corncrakes in Munster are you, and what brings you here, and what can I do for you besides flinging you overboard to the sharks and the sea gulls?'

"'Oh,' ses Shauno, 'don't be so eager to do something you may be sorry for. All that I want you to do is to land me in Sperrispazuka within five days, and if you will accomplish the feat, I will raise your wages and promote you to the rank of admiral.'

"'And who the blazes are you to come here without being invited and give an order like that to myself?' ses the Captain.

"'Who the devil do you think I could be, or want to be, you impudent varmint, but Henry the Eighth?' ses he. 'By all the people I have made miserable, I'll have you lashed to the mouth of a cannon, and blown to smithereens if you don't do what you are told. How dare you insult the King of England and Scotland, not to mention Ireland and Australia?' ses he.

"Then the bold Captain ses: 'I beg your Majesty's pardon,' ses he. 'I thought you were some play actor or other who had lost his wits. So I hope you will accept my apology for the mistake I have so unfortunately made, and my stupidity likewise.'

"''Tis hard for me ever to forgive or overlook stupidity because, like all religious people, I can't stand in another the faults I have in a large measure myself. But considering that you have been a faithful servant to the family for a number of years, I will let you off with a caution this time. But be sure and never make mistakes again, unless you know what you are doing,' ses Shauno.

"'Thank you for your kind advice,' ses the Captain. 'Is there anything I can do now to please or oblige your Majesty?'

"'There is,' ses Shauno. 'Hold your tongue, put full steam ahead, and tell the sailors not to say their prayers aloud, because I am going to bed this very instant, and don't want to be disturbed. But call me in the morning at eight o'clock sharp,' ses Shauno. 'And be sure and have my breakfast ready on time. I will have a busy day to-morrow. I must shave and read the newspaper.'

"'What will you have for breakfast?' ses the Captain.

"'One fathom and half of drisheen, six fresh eggs, three loaves of bread, goat's ears, ostrich brains, and two heads of cabbage. And I'd like a toothful of something to help me to digest the little repast,'

ses Shauno.

"'I suppose a keg or two of rum, or a dozen of stout, will do,'

ses the Captain.

"'As there's luck in odd numbers, you had better make it three dozen of stout,' ses Shauno. 'And if I feel like any more, I'll let you know.'

"Well, the old fool of a captain really thought he was Henry the Eighth, and he did everything that Shauno told him, until they reached Sperrispazuka.

"And when the mosques and the turrets of the city hove in sight and the ship once more lay at anchor, Shauno trod the deck with pride and ses to the Captain: 'Captain,' ses he, 'allow me to compliment you on this marvellous achievement. I never before made the journey in such a short s.p.a.ce of time, and in honour of the event I will make you a present of two-and-sixpence and make you a Knight of Columbus besides. But before I will take my leave of yourself and the ship, I want a royal salute of twenty-one guns to be fired and burst every pane of gla.s.s in the town beyond with the noise. A shout is better than a whisper if you want to be heard, and we all get more by asking for what we want than by remaining silent.'

"'Anyhow,' ses he, 'half the world is living on its wits, or by bluff, if you will, and the other half enjoys itself, so to speak, at the expense of inequality, non-fraternity, and suppression of the people's rights. Yet for all that, most of the well-fed and superfine humbugs we meet every day seem to be as happy and contented as if they deserved to be. And all you have got to do to convince yourself that the wisdom of man has not interfered with the extravagance of women is to look at the way they dress, or look at your bank book at the end of the year if you are married. But be all that as it may, I think that I have said enough, for talk is always cheap, and 'tis doubtful if anything that's cheap or given away for nothing is ever appreciated by the discerning or the undiscerning.'

"'And now,' ses he, 'as I have but a few more words to say, I would advise you, one and all, to be decent to each other while you can, because a time will come when you can't. And 'tis better to do a foolish thing now than to be sorry for not doing it later. On the other hand, 'tis a wise policy to refuse anything you may be offered for nothing, because a compliment bestowed is always like a millstone around a man's neck. Independence, of course, is a fine thing, but it is always purchased at too high a price. And a state of independence is only acquired by either cheating yourself or some one else.

"'But nevertheless,' ses he, 'the man who always thinks of himself first is the last to be neglected. And the man who don't hold his tongue when he has nothing to say is nearly sure to make a fool of himself. Howsomever, the time is now come for me to make my departure. So let loose the guns,' ses he, 'and fire the Royal Salute.'

"And lo and behold! the Captain obeyed his orders, and such noise was never before heard in the harbour of Sperrispazuka. And when silence was resumed Shauno whispered to the Captain and ses: 'I'm going to sojourn here for a month or two, and I'll send a telegram to you to call for me when I am ready to return.' So with that they shook hands and parted.

"And when the ship sailed away, Shauno went ash.o.r.e and walked around the town until he found a menagerie. Then he hired a complement of one hundred elephants, and numerous pages and attendants, flags, banners, caravans, and the devil knows what."

"And what did he want the elephants for?" said Micus.

"He was going to visit the Shah," said Padna, "and he wanted to make a good impression. And when all the elephants were placed one after another in a line, he took the place of honour himself on the back of the first and largest of the great brutes. And as the procession pa.s.sed on its way through the town to the Shah's country home, the House of Ten Thousand Windows, everybody--men, women, and children alike--stopped in the streets and took off their hats, thinking that Shauno was the King of England, and he was beginning to think so too, or at least that he was as great an old bla'guard as Henry himself. But when he arrived at the castle gates and found the Shah sitting on his tombstone feeding the pigeons, he was sorely disappointed, because he expected a royal escort to meet him outside the courtyard.

"The Shah was kind of startled when he saw Shauno and his staff, and nearly lost his temper and ses: 'Who in the name of the few decent people that a man meets in the course of a lifetime, are you? And who the devil owns these Irish terriers?' ses he, as he pointed to the elephants.

"'Wisha, bad luck and a dozen daughters to you,' ses Shauno, 'what do the likes of you mean by offering insults to a distinguished foreigner like myself? If you read the newspapers as you should, you would know that I was Henry the Eighth, and that these quadrupeds are neither Irish terriers nor mosquitoes, but elephants.'

"'Is that so?' ses the Shah. 'Wait till I will put on my gla.s.ses. My sight is somewhat impaired from reading the names of all my wives and their pedigrees.' And then he put on his gla.s.ses and ses: 'Bedad, sure enough, they are not Irish terriers at all, but real live elephants. And 'tis yourself is no one else but Henry the Eighth. I hope to be excused and forgiven for my mistake.'

"'I'll forgive you this time,' ses Shauno.

"'Very well,' ses the Shah, 'you might as well come inside and sit down if you are in no hurry, and we will see if we can't enjoy ourselves, and I will get my servants to look after the terriers, I mean the elephants, while we'll make merry.'

"'The devil a hurry, or a flurry, am I in,' ses Shauno. And with that they adjourned to the Shah's drawing-room, and when they were comfortably seated in two armchairs, the Shah rang for a servant to fetch the decanter and a pack of cards. And when the cards were placed on the table, the Shah grabbed them up and ses to Shauno: 'What is it going to be? A game of Forty-Five, or what? There's nothing like a game of cards to pa.s.s a dull hour among dull people.'