The Weight Of Silence Part 20

I still see Dr. Kelsing, the psychiatrist that I met that night I went to the hospital; it's nice to have someone to talk to who wasn't in the middle of the whole mess. She lets me know that I'm not crazy. She says I was very brave and very strong to do what I did on that day. I don't know if that's true, but I'd like to think so.

I even kept on seeing my guidance counselor, Mr. Wilson, all the way through elementary school. I learned about a year ago that Mr. Wilson was actually brought in for questioning while Petra and I were missing. I bet that was totally embarra.s.sing for him, but not once did he mention it to me. I would meet with him once a week and I'd still write in the beautiful journals that he gave me. On our last meeting together, during my last week of being a sixth grader at Willow Creek Elementary School, we sat at the round table and he asked what I would like to talk about on that day. I shrugged my shoulders and he stood. He was still incredibly tall even though I had grown several inches since first grade. He dug into his old gray file cabinet and pulled out five journals, all with black covers and all decorated with my artwork. I told him, then, about the dream I had when I fell asleep out in the woods the day my dad had taken me. The one where I was flying through the air and everyone was grabbing at me, trying to get me to come down. I told him that he was in my dream holding my journal in his hands, pointing at something. I told him I wondered what he was pointing at. He pulled the very first journal I had written in from the bottom of the pile and handed it to me.

"Let's look for it and see if we can find out what it was," he said. For the next half hour I looked through that journal, the one that said Calli's Talking Journal on the front and was decorated with a dragonfly. I flipped through pages, laughing about my terrible spelling and my stick figure pictures. But then I found it, the entry I was sure Mr. Wilson was pointing to in my dream. There were no words on the page, just a picture that I had drawn of my family. My mom was drawn really big right in the center of the page. She had on a dress and high heels, which was kind of funny because my mom never wore dresses or high heels. Her hair was drawn in a huge bouffant style and she had a smile on her face. My brother was standing right next to my mom, drawn just as big. His hair was colored fire enginered and his freckles were red dots across his circle-shaped nose. He held a football in his hands. At first glance one might think that the picture of Ben was actually my father, but it wasn't. My father was in the picture drawn a little smaller and set back from the rest of us. He was smiling, just like everyone else in my picture, but in his hand was a can of what was clearly beer. The brand name of the beer was written in fancy blue letters, just like it is on the real can. But the drawings of those three weren't what caught my eye that day in Mr. Wilson's office. It wasn't even the drawing of me, dressed in pink, my hair pulled back in a ponytail. No, it was what I drew sitting on a table next to me in the picture. A beautiful blue perfume bottle with its lid set on the ground right next to it. And rising out of the bottle were these tiny musical notes, whole notes, quarter notes and half notes flying right up into the air around my stick figure head.

"This is the picture," I told Mr. Wilson, jabbing my finger at the page. "This is what you were showing me in my dream. My voice."

"Of course it was, Calli," he said. "Of course it was. You had it with you the entire time."

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.

I am deeply grateful to my family: Milton and Patricia Schmida, Greg Schmida and Kimbra Valenti, Jane and Kip Augspurger, Milt and Jackie Schmida, Molly and Steve Lugar and Patrick Schmida. Their unwavering confidence in me and their constant encouragement have meant the world to me. Thanks also to Lloyd, Lois, Cheryl, Mark, Carie, Steve, Tami, Dan and Robin.

A heartfelt thanks to Marianne Merola, my world-cla.s.s agent, who saw a glimmer of possibility in The Weight of Silence The Weight of Silence. The gifts of her expertise, guidance, diligence and time are valued beyond words.

Thank you to my talented and patient editor, Miranda Indrigo, whose insights and suggestions are greatly appreciated. And to Mike Rehder, thank you for the beautiful cover art. Thanks also to Mary-Margaret Scrimger, Margaret O'Neill Marbury, Valerie Gray and countless others who generously supported this book and warmly welcomed me to the MIRA family.

Much grat.i.tude goes to Ann Schober and Mary Fink, two very dear friends who cheered me on every step of the way.

A special acknowledgment goes to Don Harstad, a wonderful writer who has been an inspiration to me.

Finally, to Scott, Alex, Anna and Grace, thank you for believing in me. I couldn't have done it without you.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION.

1. Antonia describes herself as a bad mother while Louis rea.s.sures her that she is, indeed, a good mother. What evidence from the book supports each of their beliefs? How does Louis's history with Antonia affect his own decisions as a husband and father?

2. Antonia and Louis's long history together is integral to The Weight of Silence The Weight of Silence. As a deputy sheriff, what, if any, ethical or moral boundaries did Louis cross in the search for Calli?

3. Ben and Calli grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father. Knowing that abuse is often pa.s.sed on from generation to generation, what do you think are Ben's and Calli's chances of breaking the cycle of abuse in their future relationships? What instances from the book lead you to believe this?

4. How does the death of Antonia's mother play into the decisions Antonia made as a wife and mother? How do you think Antonia's life would be different if her mother had lived?

5. Martin Gregory, a proper, disciplined professor of economics, has always valued order, predictability and restraint in all areas of his life. How does his decision to seek retribution against the man he's sure violated his daughter fit into his belief system?

6. Antonia, Louis, Martin and Petra's perspectives are told in the first-person, present-tense point of view, while Calli's is told in the third person, past tense. Why do you think the author decided to write the story in this way?

7. What does the t.i.tle The Weight of Silence The Weight of Silence mean to you? How does the t.i.tle relate to each of the main characters' lives? mean to you? How does the t.i.tle relate to each of the main characters' lives?

8. Before Calli and Petra's disappearance, the Willow Creek Woods was a haven for Calli, Ben and Toni. Calli, fearful of the forest after her ordeal, asked her mother if she ever got scared when walking in the woods. Toni replied, "It sent you back to me, didn't it?" What did Toni mean by this?

9. Martin Gregory had worked so hard to leave behind his farming roots by becoming a college professor, but after Petra's abduction and serious injuries, Martin subsequently moved with his family from Willow Creek to a farm. Why did Martin and Fielda decide to do this?

10. Toni describes Calli and Petra as "kindred spirits." What makes their friendship so special? Do you think Calli and Petra's friendship will last into their adulthood? Why or why not? Who do you consider to be your kindred spirit? Why?