The Turkish Jester Part 1

The Turkish Jester.

by Nasreddin Hoca.

THE PLEASANTRIES OF COGIA NASR EDDIN EFENDI

'A breeze, which pleasant stories bears, Relicks of long departed years.'

The story goes, one of the stories of a hundred, that Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi one day ascending into the pulpit to preach, said, 'O believers, do ye not know what I am going to say to you?' The congregation answered, 'Dear Cogia Efendi, we do not know.' Then said the Cogia, 'What shall I say to you until you do know?' One day the Cogia ascending again into the pulpit, said, 'O Mussulmen, do ye not know what I am going to say to you?' 'We do know,' they replied. Then said the Cogia, 'Some of ye do know already, what should I have to say to you?' Then descending from the chair he went out. The a.s.sembly separated quite astonished, and, when they were out, continued to say, 'Which are those of us who know? Which are those who do not know?' The Cogia one day again mounting the chair in the same manner, said, 'O brothers, when I said to ye, "Do you know what I shall say?" there were some who said, "We know," others said, "We do not." It were now well that those among ye who knew what the Cogia said should teach those that did not.'

One day Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi said, 'O Mussulmen, give thanks to G.o.d Most High that He did not give the camel wings; for, had He given them, they would have perched upon your houses and chimneys, and have caused them to tumble upon your heads.'

One day Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi having mounted the chair in a city, said, 'O Mussulmen, the air above this city is just like the air above my city.' The congregation said, 'O Cogia Efendi, how do you know that?'

Said the Cogia, 'Because I have seen as many stars above this city as I saw above Belgrade.'

One night the Cogia dreamt that he was given nine aspres, whereupon the Cogia said, 'O now pray make them up ten'; afterwards he said, 'Make them up eleven,' and then presently, a dispute having arisen, he awoke and saw that in his hand he had nothing, thereupon closing his eyes anew and stretching out his hands, he said, 'Well, well, I shall be content with nine aspres.'

One day the Cogia went out into the plain, and as he was going along he suddenly saw some men on horseback coming towards him. Cogia Efendi, in a great hurry, set off towards a cemetery, and having reached it took off his clothes, and entering into a tomb lay down. The hors.e.m.e.n, on seeing the Cogia run away, followed him to the place where he lay, and said, 'O fellow, why do you lie here?' Cogia Efendi, finding nothing else to say, replied, 'I am one of the buried people, but came here to walk.'

Cogia Efendi one day went into a garden, pulled up some carrots and turnips and other kinds of vegetables, which he found, putting some into a sack and some into his bosom; suddenly the gardener coming up, laid hold of him, and said, 'What are you seeking here?' The Cogia, being in great consternation, not finding any other reply, answered, 'For some days past a great wind has been blowing, and that wind blew me hither.'

'But who pulled up these vegetables?' said the gardener. 'As the wind blew very violently,' replied the Cogia, 'it cast me here and there, and whatever I laid hold of in the hope of saving myself remained in my hands.' 'Ah,' said the gardener, 'but who filled the sack with them?'

'Well,' said the Cogia, 'that is the very question I was about to ask myself when you came up.'

One day Cogia Efendi, on whom G.o.d be merciful, went to the city of Conia, and going into a pastry-cook's shop, seized hold of a tart, and saying, 'In the Name of G.o.d,' began to eat it. The pastry-cook cried out, 'Halloa, fellow, what are you about?' and fell to beating him. The Cogia said, 'Oh what a fine country is this of Conia, in which, whilst a man eats a tart, they put in a blow as a digester for every morsel.'

Cogia Nasr Eddin, at the time of the Holy Ramadan, thought to himself, 'What must I do in order to hold the fast in conformity with the people?

I must prepare an earthen pot, and every day put a stone into it, and when thirty days are completed I may hold my Beiram.' So he commenced placing stones in the pot, one every day. Now it happened one day that a daughter of the Cogia cast a handful of stones into the pot, and a little time after some people asked the Cogia, 'What day of the month is it to- day?' Now it happened to be the twenty-fifth. The Cogia, however, said to them, 'Have patience and I will see'; and going to his house and emptying the pot, perceived that there were a hundred and twenty stones in it. Says the Cogia to himself, 'If I tell the people all this number they will call me a fool.' So going to them he said, 'This day is the forty-fifth day of the month.' But, said they, 'O Cogia, a month has in all but thirty days, so how can you say that to-day is the forty-fifth?'

'I spoke quite within bounds,' said the Cogia. 'If you were to see the account in the pot you would find that to-day is the hundred and twentieth.'

One day the Cogia was asked, 'When there is a new moon, what becomes of the old one?' 'They make forty stars out of each,' said the Cogia.

One day the Cogia went out of the city along with a cafila or caravan of people, and felt a wish to ride. Now there was a camel belonging to the cafila, and the Cogia said to himself, 'Now, if instead of walking I should mount on this camel, how comfortably could I travel!' Thereupon mounting on the camel, he proceeded along with the cafila. The camel, however, falling to kicking, flung the Cogia to the earth and knelt upon him. The Cogia cried out loudly, and the people of the cafila came and rescued him. After a little time the Cogia, coming to his senses, said, 'O Mussulmen, did you not see how that perfidious camel maltreated me?

Now do hold the perfidious brute for me, that I may cut its throat.'

One day the Cogia bought a quant.i.ty of eggs at the rate of nine for the aspre, and carrying them to another place, he sold them at the rate of ten. Some people asking him, 'Why do you sell ten for what you gave for nine?' the Cogia replied, 'I always wish my friends to see that I lose by my bargains.'

One day the Cogia walking along the plain met a heifer, and forthwith laying thievish hands upon it, led it straight to his house, where he slaughtered it and stripped off the skin. The proprietor soon appeared before the Cogia's house, making a loud cry and lamentation. 'Who would have thought,' said the Cogia to his people and his wife, 'that my flaying the heifer would have made that fellow's face look so black?'

One day the Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi pa.s.sing along the bazaar, an individual coming up to him said, 'Pray, Cogia, what is the moon to-day?

Is it at three or four?' 'I don't know,' said the Cogia. 'I neither buy nor sell the moon.'

One day the Cogia taking a ladder on his shoulder, placed it against a garden wall, and mounting, got over, taking the ladder with him. The gardener seeing him said, 'Who are you? and what do you want here?' 'I am come to sell this ladder,' said the Cogia without hesitation. 'Is this a place for selling a ladder?' said the gardener. 'O you foolish man,' said the Cogia, 'cannot a ladder be sold anywhere?'

Nasr Eddin Efendi one day taking hold of some fowls one by one, tied some strips of an ap.r.o.n round their throats, and then let them go. The learned men having a.s.sembled round the Cogia, said, 'What was the matter with these fowls?' Said the Cogia, 'They merely went into mourning for their slaughtered mothers.'

One day a bull mounted a young cow of the Cogia's. The Cogia seeing what he was about, took a staff in his hand and ran towards him. The bull fled towards the car of a Turcoman, to which seven other oxen were attached. The Cogia keeping the ox in view, ran after him, and with the staff in his hand struck the ox several blows. 'Halloa, man!' said the Turcoman. 'What do you want with my ox?' 'Don't you interfere, you foolish dog,' said the Cogia. 'He knows full well what he has done.'

One day the Cogia made his last will. 'When I die,' said he, 'place me in an old tomb.' When the people about him said, 'Why do you make this request?' the Cogia said, 'When the inquiring angels come and ask me questions, I can say, "I am deaf. Do you not see that I as well as my tomb am old?"'

One day Cogia Efendi, putting on very short habiliments, went to the mosque to say his prayers. Whilst performing the rakoua the man who was behind him perceiving the Cogia's --- seized hold of them and squeezed them, whereupon the Cogia, seizing hold of those of the man who was before him, squeezed them too; the man, turning round and perceiving that it was Cogia Efendi himself, said, 'Halloa, what are you about?' 'You must ask the man behind me,' said the Cogia.

One day the boys of Belgrade took the Cogia along with them into the bath. They had secretly brought in their pouches a number of eggs. One and all going into the bathing-house, took off their clothes and went in, and then, sitting down on the bench, they all said to one another, 'Come, let us lay eggs: whosoever does not lay an egg shall pay the expenses of the bath'; after which they began to make a great noise, cackling like hens, and flinging the eggs which they had brought on the stone bench.

Cogia Efendi, seeing what they were about, suddenly began to make a great noise and crow like a c.o.c.k. 'What are you about, Cogia Efendi?' said the boys. 'Why,' said he, 'is not a c.o.c.k necessary where there are so many hens?'

One day the Cogia, putting on black clothes, went out. The people, looking at him, said, 'Cogia Efendi, for whose death are you in mourning?' The Cogia answered, 'My son's father is dead, and I wear mourning for him.'

One day Cogia, returning from the harvest field, felt very thirsty.

Looking around, he saw that they watered a tree by means of a pipe from a fountain. The Cogia exclaimed, 'I must drink,' and pulled at the spout, and as he did so the water, spouting forth with violence, wetted the mouth and head of the Cogia, who, in a great rage, said, 'They watered this wretched tree in order that one fool might wet another.'

One day the Cogia, taking some water melons with him, went to the mountain in order to cut wood. Feeling thirsty, he cut one of the melons, and, putting it to his mouth, cast it away, saying that it was tasteless. He then cut up another, and, to be short, he cut them all up, and, having eaten a little of each, made water over what remained. He then fell to work at cutting wood. After some time the Cogia again became thirsty, and finding no water, he went to the bits of the melons which he had cut up, and saying, 'This is sprinkled, and this is sprinkled,' ate them all.

Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi had a lamb which he had fattened to a high degree. One day some of his friends having a.s.sembled, said, 'Let us get the lamb from the Cogia and feast upon it.' So coming to the Cogia as quick as possible, they said, 'O Cogia, to-morrow is the Day of Judgment; what would you do with this lamb? Come, take it, and let us eat it.' The Cogia, however, would not believe them. Coming again, however, they said the same thing, and the Cogia, at last believing their words were true, slaughtered the lamb, and, taking it on his back, he carried it to the public walk, and, lighting a fire, he began to prepare a roast.

Presently, stripping their bodies, they delivered their clothes to the Cogia, and each went aside to sleep. Whereupon the Cogia, taking their garments, flung them all into the fire and burnt them. In a little time, their bellies becoming hungry from the sleep they had had, they came again, and saw that their garments were nearly reduced to a coal.

Whereupon they said to the Cogia, 'Who burnt our clothes?' 'My dear friends,' replied the Cogia, 'to-morrow is the Day of Resurrection, so what need can you have of clothes?'

One day a thief, entering the house of the Cogia, laid hold of everything there was there, and, placing it on his back, went away. The Cogia, however, spying somebody going out, followed the thief, who went into his own house. The Cogia following close behind, pushed against him at the door. Whereupon the thief said, 'What do you want, Cogia Efendi?' 'What do I want?' said the Cogia. 'Why, are we not going to remove hither to- day?'

One day certain individuals stole from the Cogia a sum of money, whereupon the Cogia said, 'O Lord, what need have you that you give my money to others.' So he made a dreadful outcry, and going into the mosque, wept until it was morning, groaning like a ship labouring in the sea. Those who were there said, 'Ye who have found salvation make up a sum of money for the Cogia.' So whosoever had found salvation through the a.s.sistance of the Almighty made up what he could, and brought it to the Cogia. Whereupon the Cogia exclaimed, 'Allah, Allah! by lying one night publicly in the mosque and weeping, I have caused Allah to send me my money again.'

One day the Cogia borrowed a cauldron of a brazier, and carrying it home, put a little saucepan into it, and then carrying it back, returned it to its owner. The owner seeing a little saucepan in the cauldron, said, 'What is this?' 'Why,' cried the Cogia, 'the cauldron has borne a child'; whereupon the owner took possession of the saucepan. One day the Cogia asked again for the cauldron, and having obtained it, carried it home. The owner of the cauldron waited one day and even five days for his utensil, but no cauldron coming, he went to the house of the Cogia and knocked at the door. The Cogia coming to the door, said, 'What do you want?' 'The cauldron,' said the man. 'Oh, set your heart at rest,'

said the Cogia, 'the cauldron is dead.' 'O Cogia,' said the man, 'can a cauldron die?' 'Oh,' said the Cogia, 'as you believed it could bear a child, why should you not believe that it can die?'

One day the Cogia, walking amongst the sepulchres, saw a large dog lying upon a gravestone. The Cogia, in a great rage laying hold on a stick, aimed a blow at the dog, who in his turn a.s.saulted the Cogia. The Cogia fearing that he should be torn to pieces, said to the dog, 'Get you gone: I conquered. Get you gone.'

One day the Cogia laying hold on a crane, took it home, and saying that its beak and feet were very long, cut them off with a knife; and placing it on a lofty place, said, 'Now you look like a bird.'

One day the Cogia having made his broth very hot, burnt his mouth, and making a great outcry, ran into the street, saying, 'Make way, brothers: there is a fire in my belly.'

A Moolah, who had travelled about Arabia, Persia, Hindustan, and, in a word, the whole seven climes without finding any one who could answer his questions, was told by a man, 'In this country there is a man called Cogia Nasr Eddin, who will answer your questions if any one can.' The Moolah arising, went straight to Belgrade, where he bought an aspre's worth of pomegranates, which he placed in his bosom. Going out of the suburbs of Belgrade, he saw a man going to his labour; now this was the Cogia himself. Going up to him he saw a man like a fakeah, with shoes of raw hide on his feet and a kiebbeh or rough cloak on his back. When he was close by him he said to him, 'Salaam'; and the Cogia saying to him, 'Peace be unto you,' said, 'Moolah Efendi, for what have you come?' The Moolah replied, 'Can you answer a question which I shall ask?' The Cogia said, 'I can.' 'Do you know so-and-so?' The Cogia said, 'I can do nothing without being paid. What will you give me?' The Moolah taking the pomegranates which were in his bosom, gave him one; whereupon the Cogia answered his question, and got all his pomegranates, one by one, till not a single grain remained. The Moolah then said, 'I have yet one question to ask.' The Cogia replied, 'Go your way: don't trouble me. The pomegranates are spent.' Whereupon the Moolah went away, saying, 'If the labourers of Moom are of this description, what must the learned men be?'

One day the Cogia saw a great many ducks playing on the top of a fountain. The Cogia, running towards them, said, 'I'll catch you'; whereupon they all rose up and took to flight. The Cogia, taking a little bread in his hand, sat down on the side of the fountain, and crumbling the bread in the fountain, fell to eating. A person coming up, said, 'What are you eating?' 'Duck broth,' replied the Cogia.

One day the Cogia having bought a liver, was carrying it to his house; suddenly a kite, swooping from above with a loud scream, seized the liver, and flew off with it. The Cogia remained staring after it, but saw that it was impossible to recover his meat. Making up his mind, he ran up to the top of an eminence, and a person pa.s.sing below with a liver in his hand, the Cogia darted down and s.n.a.t.c.hed the liver out of the person's hand, and ran again up the rock. 'Hallo, Cogia,' said the man, 'what are you about?' 'I was merely playing the kite out of fun,' said the Cogia.

A person coming to Nasr Eddin Efendi, requested him to let him have a rope. The Cogia went into his house, and coming out again, said, 'The rope is striking ten.' 'How can a rope strike ten?' said the man. 'It will always be striking ten,' said the Cogia, 'till I feel inclined to give you the rope.'

One day the Cogia put some fowls into a cage and set out for the castle of Siouri. As he was going along he said to himself, 'These poor wretches are here imprisoned: I think I may as well give them a little liberty.' So he let them all out, and all the hens ran off in one direction or another. The Cogia taking a stick in his hand, placed himself before the c.o.c.k, pushing him and driving him, saying, 'O you who in the middle of the night knowest when it is morning, how is it that in broad day thou knowest not the way to the castle?'

One day as the Cogia was wandering amongst the tombs, by the side of the way he fell into an old tomb, and making believe as if he were dead, he said, 'Let me see Mounkhir. Is Nekir coming?' As he lay there stretched at his length, it appeared to him that he heard from afar the voice of a bell. 'It is the noise of the Day of Judgment,' said the Cogia, and forthwith sprang out of the tomb. Now it happened that a caravan was coming, and the Cogia, by putting out his head, frightened the camels, who jostled each other in great confusion. No sooner did the conductors see the Cogia than, seizing their cudgels, they said to him, 'You! Who are you?' The Cogia said to them, 'I am one who is dead.' 'And what are you doing here?' said the conductors. 'I merely came to take a walk,'

said the Cogia. 'We will now make you take a pretty walk,' said the carriers, and instantly began belabouring him with their cudgels. The Cogia, with tears streaming from his eyes, ran home. 'Where have you been?' said his wife. 'I have been dead,' said the Cogia, 'and in the tomb.' 'And what is there in the other world?' said his wife. 'Nothing,'

said the Cogia, 'provided you don't frighten carriers' camels.'

Once upon a time the Cogia was sent into Curdistan along with the Amba.s.sador. Whilst he was there the Curdish Beys invited the Cogia to a feast which they had made in honour of him. The Cogia, putting on a pelisse, went to the place of festival. During the entertainment he chanced to belch. 'You do wrong to belch, Cogia Moolah Efendi,' said the Beys. 'I am amongst Curds,' said the Cogia. 'How should they know a Turkish belching, even though they hear it?'

One day the Cogia went with Cheragh Ahmed to the den of a wolf, in order to see the cubs. Said the Cogia to Ahmed: 'Do you go in.' Ahmed did so.

The old wolf was abroad, but presently returning, tried to get into the cave to its young. When it was about half-way in the Cogia seized hard hold of it by the tail. The wolf in its struggles cast a quant.i.ty of dust into the eyes of Ahmed. 'Hallo, Cogia,' he cried, 'what does this dust mean?' 'If the wolf's tail breaks,' said the Cogia, 'you'll soon see what the dust means.'

One day the Cogia mounted upon a tree, and, sitting upon a branch, forthwith began to cut it. A person coming up said, 'Hallo, man! what are you about? as soon as you have cut the branch you will fall.' The Cogia made no answer, but went on cutting, and no sooner had he cut through the bough than down fell the Cogia to the ground. Getting up, he ran after the person, crying out, 'Ho, fellow, if you knew that I should fall you also knew that I should kill myself,' and forthwith seized him by the collar. The man, finding no other way to save himself, said, 'Leave hold of me and fling yourself down on the road face upwards. At the first belching that you give half your soul will leave your body; at the second, all will go and not a particle will remain.' The Cogia did so, and at the second belching, laying himself down on the ground, he cried, 'I am dead,' and remained motionless. Forthwith the Ulemas hastened to him, and bringing with them a coffin, placed him in it, saying, 'Let us carry him home.' On their way, coming to a miry place, they said, 'We will rest,' and began to talk together. The Cogia, forthwith raising his head from the coffin, said, 'If I were alive I would get out of this place as quick as possible.'