The Truth About The New Rules Of Business Writing Part 7

Truth 20. Pa.s.sive thinking and jargon undermine clarity.

Kill the pa.s.sive and commit to action-you've probably seen or heard of this concept before, and it's true: Cut the inactive verbs from your writing wherever you can and you'll liven up your writing enormously. So what's inactive? It's probably easier to show you than to define the term: The road was crossed by the chicken.

You may think that no one would say this rather than "the chicken crossed the road," but here are some examples of everyday business language that contain the same weakness.

Example 1.

The report on the company's credit situation was written by James Coopersmith. (pa.s.sive).

James Coopersmith was the author of the report on the company's credit situation. (inactive).

James Coopersmith wrote the report on the company's credit situation. (active).

Example 2.

The accounting department's annual audit was supervised by a committee appointed by the board of directors. (pa.s.sive).

A committee appointed by the board of directors supervised the accounting department's annual report. (active).

Example 3.

To have edited your work after having written it may turn out to be a good thing. (inactive and convoluted).

Editing your work is probably a good thing. (active).

Or, better:.

Make a practice of editing your work after writing it. (active).

Example 4.

Upon review, you'll find that mistakes have been made. (pa.s.sive) When you review your work, you'll find that you've made mistakes. (active) Why do we tend to write in a pa.s.sive way so often? Sometimes because we're lazy, but often because we're p.u.s.s.yfooting around responsibility: We don't want to say outright that we're talking about I, we, you, and so on. The last pa.s.sive sentence in the preceding group is an example of the "divine pa.s.sive"-n.o.body did it, it just happened ("mistakes have been made")-and politicians, bureaucrats, accountants, and many others often present their failures that way.

But if you try for simple declarative sentences, you can avoid this temptation. Most writing will benefit from using I and you much more often. People want to know who did what and why they should care. Remember "What's in it for me?"

A major reason why you shouldn't use pa.s.sive constructions is that they dilute and weaken your meaning: "John was accused by Tom of being an idiot" is a lot weaker than "Tom accused John of being an idiot."

And relying on is, are, was, to be, and related "state of being" words drains your writing of fire. Often an active verb can subst.i.tute for a long wordy phrase. "The new processing system is a replica of the one used by Johnson" is weaker than "The new processing system replicates Johnson's."

"The maple trees are very colorful in autumn" pales before "The maple trees blaze their autumn red and gold."

It's the difference between describing and showing. Good writers put endless effort into replacing pa.s.sive and inactive verbs with active, interesting ones that provoke graphic images. Those active verbs get there in the editing process-rarely in the first draft.

So for real power, improve your writing by working in action words with some life to them. Or should we say, rather, to spark your writing, pepper it with words that sing.

And murder that jargon-Exclude or explain everything that could be misunderstood by anybody else-jargon, acronyms, abbreviations.

Even highly educated people complain that their peers often use words and phrases that don't have clear meaning: industry jargon that masks a lack of thought...acronyms that demand research to track down and sometimes cannot be found...abbreviations that hinder comprehension, at best. Just try to say exactly what you mean.

Here's what can happen when you don't: We'll provide an overview here of the key enhancements in the new driver that impacts both XYZ Server 8500 and LMN Server 9310 ABCD-based data access, as well as provide a glimpse into the future roadmap for our ABCD support and commitment to enterprise-cla.s.s interoperability within LMN Servers.

One problem with using jargon is that we forget that it's jargon and that its meaning may not actually be clear. Here are just a few examples from the business world: What are the jargon words and terms in your business or profession? Are some understood only within your company?

Jargon vs. specialized knowledge-If you insist that other specialists in your field will know what you mean, note that there's a difference between a.s.suming a common base of knowledge and depending on jargon. If you're a scientist writing to other scientists, for example, you can count on their understanding scientific ideas without having to start from the ground up. When you use scientific terminology, you needn't define it-but if someone did check a dictionary, the meaning would be totally precise.

This isn't true of jargon, which typically consists of industry buzzwords that don't necessarily have a shared meaning. "Turnkey training" is an everyday example-educators use it to denote "train the trainer," while in business, it can mean ready-to-use training programs, or training that produces ready-to-go workers, or training that is customized to specific goals, and more.

It is also very risky to use acronyms that some readers won't understand and to import abbreviations from a medium like text messaging into another, even e-mail. Why? Maybe you can a.s.sume many texters understand the same protocols you do. But what about someone you're e-mailing who doesn't use text messaging?

Consider the woman who picked up some of her 13-year-old daughter's expressions when she started using a BlackBerry device, like writing "lol" to denote laugh out loud. She thought she was being very cool until a prospective client she was courting-a middle-aged CEO-asked her sheepishly, "Why are you sending me lots of love?"

Truth 21. You don't need grammar drills to spot your writing problems.

When your writing is weak and awkward, look for clues that signal a problem. You can almost always simplify, shorten, and clarify. Sometimes you can solve a tough problem by throwing out the whole sentence or writing a new one. Be aware of the following signs that a sentence can work better, and you're on the road to better writing without having to think about grammar.

Heavy use of the word of.

The CEO of the company that produces cosmetics made of pomegranate oil is of the opinion that demand will grow.

Why not: The CEO believes that demand for the company's pomegranate oil products will grow.

What's wrong with this?

Few things affect quality of life as much as the removal of the waste products of our civilization.

Better: Few things affect quality of life more than removing our civilization's waste products.

Too many to's.

Jones needed to do something to revitalize the community relations project.

Better: Jones needed to revitalize the community relations project.

Too many -ing's.

The lab is focused on developing nano-engineered particles that can be much more powerful in catalyzing combustion.

Better: The lab focuses on developing nano-engineered particles that can more powerfully catalyze combustion.

Too many -ion's.

The dimension of the problem is an indication of the infiltration of bad work habits.

Better: The dimension of the problem shows that bad habits are infiltrating the workforce.

Try to use only one to, of, -ing, and -ion per sentence.

When you follow up these clues, you'll find they'll lead you to fix many of the same problem areas we've identified in other ways-using the pa.s.sive tense, writing awkward or confusing constructions, including unnecessary words, and so on.

At this point, you may want to ask: Will following these guidelines give me choppy, dull writing that makes me look like a simpleton? Au contraire. Consider the Gettysburg Address, The Wall Street Journal, Emily d.i.c.kinson's poems, Ernest Hemingway's prose, and the Declaration of Independence. All communicate the most complex human thoughts in simple, direct language that reaches people on a deep emotional level.

Editing tip 1-Distance yourself from your work by a day or two when you can, or a few hours, at least. It'll be far easier to spot anything awkward, ambiguous, or unnecessary, and easier to find better ways to express your meaning. This definitely applies to important e-mails, and just about everything else.

Editing tip 2-Find a writing buddy. Beyond finding mistakes, a backup reader notices whether any "att.i.tude" is showing-hostility, for example, when you write to someone you don't like. Your writing buddy can be a friend, colleague, or even someone at home.

Editing tip 3-Sharpen your own editing skills with this activity: Select something you wrote that's at least a page long and then cut it by half. Edit out what's not necessary or important and anything off-message. Reword for clarity, simplicity, and brevity. Work in transitions as needed. Simplify sentences and tighten everything you can until you've reduced the piece to 50 percent of its original size.

Now compare the two versions. Which is better?

Try to expand your edited version by 25 percent, adding back in some of what you cut.

If you edit well, you'll discover that it's harder to add anything back in than it was to cut it out in the first place. Lesson? Editing, even by such an arbitrary standard, improves writing.

Use your computer's Readability Index.

Your computer gives you a tool, the Flesch Index, to instantly check how readable your writing is. It tells you the reading level of your material, the percentage of pa.s.sive sentences, the average length of words and paragraphs, and the number of sentences per paragraph.

To bring it up, you may first have to be sure there's a check mark next to "Show Readability Statistics," which is usually under Tools/Spelling and Grammar/Options.

Then, with a doc.u.ment on the screen, click the "Tools" menu, and then click "Spelling and Grammar." Run the spelling check, and a Readability Statistic box will appear.

The first set of figures gives you an instant way to check how well you're following the guidelines in this book and using short words, sentences, and paragraphs. The second set gives you some major clues about overall readability. The higher the percentage of pa.s.sive sentences, the harder it is for readers to relate to the material. Pa.s.sive sentences tend to be formal, abstract, and static. Aim for between 5 percent and 10 percent.

The Flesch Reading Ease Score shows how many people will understand the doc.u.ment. A score of 100 indicates one that is so simple that "everyone" will understand it, and 0 denotes a very complex doc.u.ment: A score of 50 to 60 is a good goal, but when your audience includes numerous people with little education, aim higher.

The Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level indicates the years of education required to comprehend a doc.u.ment. The Wall Street Journal aims for eighth-grade level, which is hard to achieve. It's easier to write with more complexity.

Using the index-After completing a first draft, bring up the Readability Index. If the Reading Ease Score and Grade Level show that the writing is hard to understand, review your doc.u.ment to cut down on pa.s.sive sentences and shorten them, replace long words with short ones, and break up long paragraphs. Recheck the index. It's a great way to improve your writing.

Part III: The truth about successful e-mail.