The Three Clerks Part 40

'It all depends on the spirit of the st.i.tches,' said Charley the censor.

'Well, I must say I don't like mending up old clothes a bit better than Charley does,' said Katie; 'but pray go on, mamma;'

so Mrs. Woodward continued to read.

"On the day of Maca.s.sar's visit in Tavistock Square, Crinoline was dressed in a most elegant morning costume. It was a very light barege muslin, extremely full; and which, as she had a.s.sured her friend, Miss Mana.s.seh, of Keppel Street, had been sent home from the establishment in Hanover Square only the day before. I am aware that Miss Mana.s.seh instantly propagated an ill-natured report that she had seen the identical dress in a milliner's room up two pairs back in Store Street; but then Miss Mana.s.seh was known to be envious; and had moreover seen twelve seasons out in those localities, whereas the fair Crinoline, young thing, had graced Tavistock Square only for two years; and her mother was ready to swear that she had never pa.s.sed the nursery door till she came there. The ground of the dress was a light pea-green, and the pattern was ivy wreaths entwined with pansies and tulips--each flounce showed a separate wreath--and there were nine flounces, the highest of which fairy circles was about three inches below the smallest waist that ever was tightly girded in steel and whalebone.

"Maca.s.sar had once declared, in a moment of ecstatic energy, that a small waist was the chiefest grace in woman. How often had the Lady Crinoline's maid, when in the extreme agony of her labour, put a malediction on his name on account of this speech!

"It is unnecessary to speak of the drapery of the arms, which showed the elaborate lace of the sleeve beneath, and sometimes also the pearly whiteness of that rounded arm. This was a sight which would almost drive Maca.s.sar to distraction. At such moments as that the hopes of the patriotic poet for the good of the Civil Service were not strictly fulfilled in the heart of Maca.s.sar Jones. Oh, if the Lady Crinoline could but have known!

"It is unnecessary also to describe the strange and hidden mechanism of that mysterious petticoat which gave such full dimensions, such ample sweeping proportions to the _tout ensemble_ of the lady's appearance. It is unnecessary, and would perhaps be improper, and as far as I am concerned, is certainly impossible."

Here Charley blushed, as Mrs. Woodward looked at him from over the top of the paper.

"Let it suffice to say that she could envelop a sofa without the slightest effort, throw her draperies a yard and a half from her on either side without any appearance of stretching, completely fill a carriage; or, which was more frequently her fate, entangle herself all but inextricably in a cab.

"A word, however, must be said of those little feet that peeped out now and again so beautifully from beneath the artistic constructions above alluded to-of the feet, or perhaps rather of the shoes. But yet, what can be said of them successfully? That French name so correctly spelt, so elaborately accented, so beautifully finished in gold letters, which from their form, however, one would say that the _cordonnier_ must have imported from England, was only visible to those favoured knights who were occasionally permitted to carry the shoes home in their pockets.

"But a word must be said about the hair dressed _a l'imperatrice_, redolent of the sweetest patchouli, disclosing all the glories of that ingenuous, but perhaps too open brow. A word must be said; but, alas! how inefficacious to do justice to the ingenuity so wonderfully displayed! The hair of the Lady Crinoline was perhaps more lovely than abundant: to produce that glorious effect, that effect which has now symbolized among English la.s.ses the head-dress _a l'imperatrice_ as the one idea of feminine beauty, every hair was called on to give its separate aid. As is the case with so many of us who are anxious to put our best foot foremost, everything was abstracted from the rear in order to create a show in the front. Then to complete the garniture of the head, to make all perfect, to leave no point of escape for the susceptible admirer of modern beauty, some dorsal appendage was necessary of mornings as well as in the more fully bedizened period of evening society.

"Everything about the sweet Crinoline was wont to be green. It is the sweetest and most innocent of colours; but, alas! a colour dangerous for the heart's ease of youthful beauty. Hanging from the back of her head were to be seen moss and fennel, and various gra.s.ses--rye gra.s.s and timothy, trefoil and cinquefoil, vetches, and clover, and here and there young fern. A story was told, but doubtless false, as it was traced to the mouth of Miss Mana.s.seh, that once while Crinoline was reclining in a paddock at Richmond, having escaped with the young Maca.s.sar from the heat of a neighbouring drawing-room, a cow had attempted to feed from her head."

'Oh, Charley, a cow!' said Katie.

'Well, but you see I don't give it as true,' said Charley.

'I shall never get it done if Katie won't hold her tongue,' said Mrs. Woodward.

"But perhaps it was when at the seaside in September, at Broadstairs, Herne Bay, or Dover, Crinoline and her mamma invigorated themselves with the sea-breezes of the ocean--perhaps it was there that she was enabled to a.s.sume that covering for her head in which her soul most delighted. It was a Tom and Jerry hat turned up at the sides, with a short but knowing feather, velvet tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs, and a steel buckle blinking brightly in the noonday sun. Had Maca.s.sar seen her in this he would have yielded himself her captive at once, quarter or no quarter. It was the most marked, and perhaps the most attractive peculiarity of the Lady Crinoline's face, that the end of her nose was a little turned up. This charm, in unison with the upturned edges of her cruel-hearted hat, was found by many men to be invincible.

"We all know how dreadful is the spectacle of a Saracen's head, as it appears, or did appear, painted on a huge board at the top of Snow Hill. From that we are left to surmise with what tremendous audacity of countenance, with what terror-striking preparations of the outward man, an Eastern army is led to battle. Can any men so fearfully bold in appearance ever turn their backs and fly? They look as though they could destroy by the glance of their ferocious eyes. Who could withstand the hirsute horrors of those fiery faces?

"There is just such audacity, a courage of a similar description, perhaps we may say an equal invincibility, in the charms of those Tom and Jerry hats when duly put on, over a face of the proper description--over such a face as that of the Lady Crinoline. They give to the wearer an appearance of concentration of pluck. But as the Eastern array does quail before the quiet valour of Europe, so, we may perhaps say, does the open, quick audacity of the Tom and Jerry tend to less powerful results than the modest enduring patience of the bonnet."

'So ends the second chapter--bravo, Charley,' said Mrs. Woodward.

'In the name of the British female public, I beg to thank you for your exertions.'

'The editor said I was to write down turned-up hats,' said Charley. 'I rather like them myself.'

'I hope my new slouch is not an audacious Saracen's head,' said Linda.

'Or mine,' said Katie. 'But you may say what you like about them now; for mine is drowned.'

'Come, girls, there are four more chapters, I see. Let me finish it, and then we can discuss it afterwards.'

"CHAPTER III

"Having thus described the Lady Crinoline----"

'You haven't described her at all,' said Linda; 'you haven't got beyond her clothes yet.'

'There is nothing beyond them,' said Charley.

'You haven't even described her face,' said Katie; 'you have only said that she had a turned-up nose.'

'There is nothing further that one can say about it,' said Charley.

"Having thus described the Lady Crinoline,' continued Mrs.

Woodward, 'it now becomes our duty, as impartial historians, to give some account of Mr. Maca.s.sar Jones.

"We are not prepared to give the exact name of the artist by whom Mr. Maca.s.sar Jones was turned out to the world so perfectly dressed a man. Were we to do so, the signal service done to one establishment by such an advertis.e.m.e.nt would draw down on us the anger of the trade at large, and the tailors of London would be in league against the _Daily Delight_. It is sufficient to remark that the artist's offices are not a hundred miles from Pall Mall. Nor need we expressly name the bootmaker to whom is confided the task of making those feet 'small by degrees and beautifully less.' The process, we understand, has been painful, but the effect is no doubt remunerative.

"In three especial walks of dress has Maca.s.sar Jones been more than ordinarily careful to create a sensation; and we believe we may a.s.sert that he has been successful in all. We have already alluded to his feet. Ascending from them, and ascending not far, we come to his coat. It is needless to say that it is a frock; needless to say that it is a long frock--long as those usually worn by younger infants, and apparently made so for the same purpose. But look at the exquisitely small proportions of the collar; look at the grace of the long sleeves, the length of back, the propriety, the innate respectability, the perfect decorum--we had almost said the high moral worth--of the whole.

Who would not willingly sacrifice any individual existence that he might become the exponent of such a coat? Maca.s.sar Jones was proud to do so.

"But he had bestowed perhaps the greatest amount of personal attention on his collar. It was a matter more within his own grasp than those great and important articles to which attention has been already drawn; but one, nevertheless, on which he was able to expend the whole amount of his energy and genius. Some people may think that an all-rounder is an all-rounder, and that if one is careful to get an all-rounder one has done all that is necessary. But so thought not Maca.s.sar Jones. Some men wear collars of two plies of linen, some men of three; but Maca.s.sar Jones wore collars of four plies. Some men--some sensual, self-indulgent men--appear to think that the collar should be made for the neck; but Maca.s.sar Jones knew better. He, who never spared him self when the cause was good, he knew that the neck had been made for the collar--it was at any rate evident that such was the case with his own. Little can be said of his head, except that it was small, narrow, and genteel; but his hat might be spoken of, and perhaps with advantage. Of the loose but studied tie of his inch-wide cravat a paragraph might be made; but we would fain not be tedious.

"We will only further remark that he always carried with him a wonderful representation of himself, like to him to a miracle, only smaller in its dimensions, like as a duodecimo is to a folio--a babe, as it were, of his own begetting--a little _alter ego_ in which he took much delight. It was his umbrella.

Look at the delicate finish of its lower extremity; look at the long, narrow, and well-made coat in which it is enveloped from its neck downwards, without speck, or blemish, or wrinkle; look at the little wooden head, nicely polished, with the effigy of a human face on one side of it--little eyes it has, and a sort of nose; look closer at it, and you will perceive a mouth, not expressive indeed, but still it is there--a mouth and chin; and is it, or is it not, an attempt at a pair of whiskers? It certainly has a moustache.

"Such were Mr. Maca.s.sar Jones and his umbrella. He was an excellent clerk, and did great credit to the important office to which he was attached--namely, that of the Episcopal Audit Board.

He was much beloved by the other gentlemen who were closely connected with him in that establishment; and may be said, for the first year or two of his service, to have been, not exactly the life and soul, but, we may perhaps say with more propriety, the pervading genius of the room in which he sat.

"But, alas! at length a cloud came over his brow. At first it was but a changing shadow; but it settled into a dark veil of sorrow which obscured all his virtues, and made the worthy senior of his room shake his thin grey locks once and again. He shook them more in sorrow than in anger; for he knew that Maca.s.sar was in love, and he remembered the days of his youth. Yes; Maca.s.sar was in love. He had seen the lovely Crinoline. To see was to admire; to admire was to love; to love--that is, to love her, to love Crinoline, the exalted, the sought-after, the one so much in demand, as he had once expressed himself to one of his bosom friends--to love her was to despair. He did despair; and despairing sighed, and sighing was idle.

"But he was not all idle. The genius of the man had that within it which did not permit itself to evaporate in mere sighs. Sighs, with the high-minded, force themselves into the guise of poetry, and so it had been with him. He got leave of absence for a week, and shut himself up alone in his lodgings; for a week in his lodgings, during the long evenings of winter, did he remain unseen and unheard of. His landlady thought that he was in debt, and his friends whispered abroad that he had caught scarlatina.

But at the end of the seven days he came forth, pale indeed, but with his countenance lighted up by ecstatic fire, and as he started for his office, he carefully folded and put into his pocket the elegantly written poem on which he had been so intently engaged."

'I'm so glad we are to have more poetry,' said Katie. 'Is it another song?'

'You'll see,' said Mrs. Woodward.

"Maca.s.sar had many bosom friends at his office, to all of whom, one by one, he had confided the tale of his love. For a while he doubted to which of them he should confide the secret of his inspiration; but genius will not hide its head under a bushel; and thus, before long, did Maca.s.sar's song become the common property of the Episcopal Audit Board. Even the Bishops sang it, so Maca.s.sar was a.s.sured by one of his brother clerks who was made of a coa.r.s.er clay than his colleague--even the Bishops sang it when they met in council together on their own peculiar bench.

"It would be useless to give the whole of it here; for it contained ten verses. The last two were those which Maca.s.sar was wont to sing to himself, as he wandered lonely under the elms of Kensington Gardens.

"'Oh, how she walks, And how she talks, And sings like a bird serene; But of this be sure While the world shall endure, The loveliest lady that'll ever be seen Will still be the Lady Crinoline, The lovely Lady Crinoline.

With her hair done all _a l'imperatrice_, Sweetly done with the best of grease, She looks like a G.o.ddess or Queen,-- And so I declare, And solemnly swear, That the loveliest lady that ever was seen Is still the Lady Crinoline, The lovely Lady Crinoline.'"

'And so ends the third chapter,' said Mrs. Woodward.

Both Katie and Linda were beginning to criticize, but Mrs.

Woodward repressed them sternly, and went on with

"CHAPTER IV

"'It was a lovely day towards the end of May that Maca.s.sar Jones, presenting himself before the desk of the senior clerk at one o'clock, begged for permission to be absent for two hours. The request was preferred with meek and hesitating voice, and with downcast eyes.