The Theater (1720) Part 4

Indeed, but that I am afraid of being suspected of too much Learning, or that I would invalidate the Testimonies of this Author, I should be bold to say, that no Part of the _Brute_ Creation have the Benefit of _Second Sight_: and that they have neither Organs, nor Reason, to discern, or distinguish Phantoms, from material Bodies: and therefore the old _Rabins_ very subtly conjectured, that the _a.s.s_, which carried _Balaam_, was not a real a.s.s, but the _Devil in Disguise_, and subject to the _Magical_ Power of the _Prophet_.

Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertis.e.m.e.nts and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.

Numb. XXV

THE

THEATRE.

By Sir _JOHN FALSTAFFE_.

_To be Continued every_ Tuesday _and_ Sat.u.r.day.

Price Two-pence.

_When the Married shall marry, Then the Jealous will be sorry; And tho' Fools will be talking, To keep their Tongues walking, No Man runs well, I find, But with's Elbows behind._

Nostrad. _in_ Quev.

Tuesday, _May 10. 1720._

Upon the Perusal of my Motto, I believe my Readers will be puzzled to comprehend what it is I aim at: It seems to be a perfect Riddle, and if you read it backward like a _Witches_ Prayer, it will be as easily understood.

Yet let no Man condemn it for that trifling Objection, that he does not understand it: for, I can a.s.sure the World, that it is an old _Prophecy_, which comprehends many Secrets of Destiny, Stars, and Fate. Tho' the Vulgar, whose Eyes are shut against these Mysteries, may endeavour to explode all _Divination_; yet when the Prophecy comes to be fulfilled, they will confess their own Ignorance, and give an implicit Belief to such _Revelations_, as are delivered to the Publick by those wise Men, who by their Art pry into the Cabinet of Futurity, and make to themselves _Spectacles_ of the _Planets_, by which they are enabled to read the darkest Page in the Book of _Doomesday_.

Having, in my last, given some Account of my intended Summer Library, it cannot appear strange, if I should already have antic.i.p.ated a Part of my Pleasure, and dipped into some of the promising Authors I mentioned. The witty _Quevedo_, in one of his visionary Prospects of h.e.l.l, fancies, he sees an _Astrologer_ creeping upon all Four; with a pair of Compa.s.ses betwixt his Teeth; his Spheres, and Globes about him; his _Jacob's_ Staff before him; and his Eyes fixed upon the Stars, as if he were taking a Height, or making an Observation. The Student, after gazing awhile, started up of a sudden, and wringing his Hands, _Good Lord_! says he, _what an unlucky Dog was I! If I had come into the World but one_ Half Quarter _of an_ Hour _sooner, I had beene saved: for just then_ Saturn _shifted, and_ Mars _was lodged in the_ House of Life. Another Proficient in the same Art, who was very loth to go to h.e.l.l before his Time, had his Tormentors be sure he was dead: _for_, says he, _I am a little doubtful of it my self; in Regard that I had_ Jupiter _for my_ Ascendant, _and_ Venus _in the_ House of Life, _and no_ malevolent Aspect _to cross me. So that by the Rules of_ Astrology, _I was to live, precisely_, a Hundred and one Years, two Months, six Days, four Hours, and three Minutes.

It is plain from such Instances, and many more of equal Demonstration, had I Leisure to collect them, that the Stars dispose of us as they please, and have an Influence on every Action of our Lives. They are particularly busy in the Affairs of Women, and She that, by a too great Love of Society, has been kind to others besides her own Husband, might have been an Example of Discretion and Modesty, had she been born a Minute sooner, or later, and had a more _continent_ Planet for her _Ascendent_. I hope, this will be sufficient to vindicate the Science from all Suspicions of Imposture. I can a.s.sure my Readers, that I my self saw a _Prophecy_ about _two_ Months _after_ the Battle of _Hockstadt_, which exactly described that great Event in all its Circ.u.mstances. The same Prophecy foretold, that in seven Years _Lewis_ the _Fourteenth_ should not have Ground enough to make him a Grave; and tho' this did not exactly come to pa.s.s, it cannot be imputed to the _Ignorance_ of the Astrologer, but to those _Counsels_ and _Events_ which would not suffer the Prophecy to take Place.

I am my self a considerable Proficient in this Study, and have told several Things that have greatly surprized the Hearers. I am consulted chiefly by the Ladies, who come to my Lodgings by _Two's_ and by _Three's_; and it is pleasant to hear them t.i.tter, and laugh among themselves, before they venture to knock at my Door. The young Things come in blushing, and express all the Fears and Confusions natural to Youth and Innocence: Immediately I examine them: One tells me, she desires to know _when she shall be married_; another is as importunate to learn _when she shall be a Widow_: I interrupt them, by telling one, I know that _she_ is a _married Woman_; and the other, that _she_ shall soon be _married_. I proceed to ask them several Questions, which they are very ingenious in answering: And then I tell them a hundred Things, every one of which they knew to a t.i.ttle before-hand. The Result is, that they go away frighted and amazed at my profound Skill; and I often over-hear them saying, that _He certainly must deal with the Devil, or he could not have told us such and such Circ.u.mstances_.

But the Excellency of my Skill consists in giving an Account of things lost: I would not have the Reader suppose that I descend to the trifling Study of consulting Fate, about _who_ stole a _Spoon_, or _what_ became of a straggling _Thimble_, Things of which the Stars take no Cognizance. These Toys I leave to the Six-penny _Philomaths_ of _Moorfields_, and the _Astrologers_ of _Grub-street_: My Enquiries are a little more sublime. I account for Things which some lose, and no other finds; of this Nature are the _Maidenheads_ of _Women_, and the _Honour_ of _Great Men_. They, who are short-sighted in the Sciences, cannot see they fly up to the _Moon_, from whence they never return, as the learned _Ariosta_ discovered before me: And therefore it is an Absurdity in our Language, and ought to be corrected, when we say of Things which we cannot account for, _I know no more than the_ Man _in the_ Moon.

Astrology consists of many Branches, which the Learned, who have travelled thro' the Spheres, very well know; and every Proficient takes the Road which he likes best. A Student, now living, has made great Discoveries concerning the Duration of this _Earthly Globe_; and tho' by his Art he found out, it could not last above _Ten_ Years, yet being a good Protestant, and to shew his great Trust in Government Securities, he purchased an Annuity for _Ninety and Nine_ Years, and, 'tis thought, means to leave the _Reversion_ of it to the Poor till _Doomesday_.

Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertis.e.m.e.nts and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.

Numb. XXVI.

THE

THEATRE.

By Sir _JOHN FALSTAFFE_.

_To be Continued every_ Tuesday _and_ Sat.u.r.day.

Price Two-pence.

_--Jam nunc debentia dici Pleraq; differat, & praesens in tempus omittat._

Hor.

Sat.u.r.day, _May 14. 1720._

My first Entertainment in a Morning is to throw my Eyes over the Papers of the Day, by which I am informed, with very little Trouble, how Things are carried in the great World. I look upon the printed News to be the Histories of the Times, in which the candid and ingenious Authors, out of a strict Regard to Truth, deliver Facts in such ambiguous Terms, that when you read of a Battle betwixt Count _Mercy_, and the Marquis _De Lede_, you may give the Victory to that Side, which your private Inclination most favours. I have seen in one Paragraph the precise number of the _kill'd_ and _wounded_ adjusted; and in the next, the Author seems doubtful in his Opinion, whether there has been any Battle fought. In Domestick Affairs, our Writers are somewhat more bold in their Intelligence; and relate Things with a greater Air of Certainty, when they lie most under the Suspition of delivering false History. Thus it happens, that I have seen a great Fortune _married_ in the _Evening Post_ two Years after her _Death_; and a Man of Quality has had an _Heir laid to him_, before he himself, or the Town, ever knew that he was married. Thus they _kill_ and _marry_ whom they please, knowing well, that every Circ.u.mstance, whether true, or false, serves to fill up a _Paragraph_.

As nothing can effect the Safety, and Welfare of the People, so much as the _Resolutions_ of our _House_ of _Commons_, I read over the _Votes_ with a diligent Concern. 'Tis there that every Man aggrieved is to find Redress; from their Proceedings is it, that Peace abroad, or Unity at home, must be expected: and should they be bya.s.s'd, or deceived, their Error must involve Millions in Misfortunes. _Horace's_ Observation has ever prevailed, and will continue to do so, while this is a World. _Delirant Reges, plectuntur Achivi._

I read a Resolution of that Honourable House lately, which gave me no little satisfaction, and which I had long expected from their Wisdom: viz.

that all Methods of raising Money by _Voluntary Subscriptions_ are prejudicial to _Trade_. This is a Truth which every Man in Trade has already felt; and yet, tis amazing to observe how little Effect it has had upon the Publick. Whereas by this Resolution it should have been expected, that such prejudicial Subscriptions were worth nothing, the Price of these _Bubbles_ immediately rose, and their Reputation and Number of Subscribers encreased in a greater Proportion, than before they were under any Censure from the State: It is hard to account for this Paradox: either the Authority of Parliament has become a Jest, or we are under the strongest Infatuation that these Kingdoms ever felt.

I am unwilling to publish the Reasons, which an intelligent Person gave me, for such Consequences: Because it would not do Honour to certain Persons, by whose Interest it is expected, that _Charters_ are to be obtain'd. As to the Great _Bubble_, which as open'd a Subscription, where every Man is to pay _five_ Times the Value of what he purchases, a Gentleman, who is very conversant in Trade, informs me, that the Foreigners, who have Original Stocks to a very great Value, have already sent Commissions to have it all sold, when it comes to this extravagant Price. By this Means, they will have Opportunities of draining the Nation of its current Coin. I suppose, it will be answer'd, that the _Exportation_ of _Coin_ is provided against by _Statutes_; it is granted; and so is the Exportation of _Wooll_: Yet we are all sensible, the Law is transgress'd every Day in this Point: And it must be allowed, that Money may be as easily _smuggled_ as any Commodity whatsoever. The Consequence of this will be, that a Circulation of _Paper_ must be set on Foot to supply the Want of _ready Money_: And then, as I have read in a very witty Author, _a_ Crown-Piece _will be shewn about as an_ Elephant, _and_ Guineas _will be stiled of_ Blessed Memory.

Without being deeply learned in Trade, this appears to me a natural Consequence: Yet, notwithstanding all that can be said, I find the giddy Mult.i.tude resolute to forsake the profitable Paths of Industry, to grasp only at _Bubbles_ and _Shadows_. This calls to my Mind the Fable of _Jupiter_ and the _Old Woman_. The indulgent G.o.d gave the Woman a _Hen_, which laid a _Golden Egg_ every Day: She, not content with this slow Way of growing rich, and being curs'd with a foolish Avarice, thought a Mine of Golden Eggs must be lodged in the Hen's Belly: But, killing the Bird, she found only common Entrails, and lost at once the _expected Treasure_, and the Advantage which she reaped before, by its laying every Day.

But it is Time to have done with these Discourses; the World is obstinate in the Pursuit of Follies, and not to be reclaimed either by the Authority of Parliaments, or good Sense: It is not so much the Consideration of this, as the Season being so far advanced, which now induces me to lay down my Pen. My Thoughts and Desires, I must own, are turn'd to Solitude and rural Pleasures. The Man, who desires to have his Body in Health, should rise from Table with some Remains of Appet.i.te, and not be covetous of gorging to Satiety: So a Writer, who would not wish to surfeit the Town, should submit to give over Writing, before they begin to think he has hara.s.s'd them too long.

The gay Part of the World are every Day retreating from the Field of Business; and going with their Families into Summer Quarters. I look upon my self in the State of a _Roman_ General, who has made a vigorous and successful Campaign, and is now returning Home to take his _Triumph_. I am retiring to the Village, in which my Family for some Ages have made no inconsiderable Figure, and know I shall be received not with the single Respect due to my Name and Quality, but as the Person who ingaged the late memorable Sir _John Edgar_. If Health and Fortune permit, next Season, I shall again propagate my Character in the Town; in the mean Time, to make my self the more conspicuous, I have ordered my _Lucubrations_ to be printed in a _small_ Volumn, and to have one of the Books sent down after me, which shall be chained in my Library, and go along with the _Mansion-House_ from Generation to Generation, as a lasting Monument in Honour of the Name and Erudition of Sir _John Falstaffe_.

Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertis.e.m.e.nts and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.

THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY

ANNOUNCES ITS

Publications for the Third Year (1948-1949)

At least two items will be printed from each of the three following groups:

Series IV: Men, Manners, and Critics Sir John Falstaff (pseud.), _The Theatre_ (1720).

Aaron Hill, Preface to _The Creation_; and Thomas Brereton, Preface to _Esther_.