The Ten Pleasures of Marriage Part 11

_The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest._

As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner, the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the greatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemed or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merry white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling stars.

It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable mult.i.tude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpa.s.singer Pleasure, that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps of Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it.

You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you have to your content received your promised Portions; you onely want the great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it safely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the free dispensation thereof is unto you! What a n.o.ble Valley it is to walk in between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object!

Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal of prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the preserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed and taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generally hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there, coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out of our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten times wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neither for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; but dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, which sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shall have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.

And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very subtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above all things to have the command of the cash; because she had such a great Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. And then again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated to be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant, should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that the mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping are so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it is impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a Man. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot to be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as it is usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony, to treat and play the Divel for G.o.d's sake, with her Bride-Maids, when her husband is gone from home.

And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great sums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must be set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with every pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch that the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony is needful for his occasion from his Wife.

Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies see in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good observation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing or increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, and she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see and understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be gotten forward or gone backward in the World.

And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hath alwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared to all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should within dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress, &c.

With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel know how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true pitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean while busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations and self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, and guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That it is most easie to be perceived, what a n.o.ble creature Man is, whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but added unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife into an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will be striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these reasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept as a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest they that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprived of all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the name but cannot obtain the effect.

In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by clear daylight, in many of the princ.i.p.allest houses and hearts, and makes oftentimes so great a difference and discord about the key of the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get Eagles Wings, and swiftly flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife seeks to deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with abhominable suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make some unnecessary thing or other, or to hide some mony from him; which makes him watch her waters so much the stricter; and is not ashamed to give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own pleasure.

And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth so circ.u.mspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him pay out mony for all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means making her self Mistriss of the Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge, though he hath the name, and carries the keys in his Pocket: for if she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she goes to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as modish as possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases her fancy fully; then it is brought home by one or other of her trusty acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like some petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and tilling her a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but that she died whilest it was making; and for that reason it may be had for a very low price; yea, that it is such a cheap bargain, that perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, &c.

Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins to reckon how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making thereof would come to cost: so that her husband, by reason of the cheapness is curious of himself to desire her to try it on; and finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. To be short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on, though it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear it; and then the Broker is ordered when she hath such or the like other good bargain to come again, and let them see it.

In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can, and hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times there comes to be sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats, Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of necessaries for housekeeping and habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left to, by the decease of some friend, &c.

Insomuch that the Wife, through the n.i.g.g.ardliness of her husband, imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it all her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies and means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also to the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a pain, patience is the best remedy.

But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young _Toby_, have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of your Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding in each other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality, interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies; the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt but that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.

And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at Tables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the occasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, and therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that to Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime, delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many great Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, that they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great sums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein very prudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner, Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefully after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread; and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their Lords and husbands.

These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the Family; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of my Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought that her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash.

But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are shot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like manner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; and every one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election he hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its half finished are weary of it. Therefore

_To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed, For many do repent, untill that they be dead; But if avoided then, by you it cannot be, A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee._

[Ill.u.s.tration: 60 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]

THE FIFTH PLEASURE.

_Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and loss of time is discovered._

Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most cruelly impeacht, when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind and Tide: just as if they, to whom is only given the charge of the Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the Children, were the occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes and Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is many times so great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self like a prudent _Abigail_, it would be impossible ever to bring the Ship to a safe harbour, and to free it from Shipwrack, but all things must run to a total destruction.

Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost indeavours, and take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their affairs, by day with their bodies, and at night with their sences, are earnestly busie in contriving them it. Whose main aim is, to live honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to their Children and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of diligence makes no labour irksom, no morning too early, nor no evening too late for them.

But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent of their vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a Man, to be seen whole daies in their houses with their Wives, and about their affairs. Then in such cases, there must, by every one in his calling, be found a mult.i.tude of lame excuses, before they can blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far, that she perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his whole delight ought to be.

If it be _Doctor of Physick_, he forsooth hath no time to study, because he must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see what operation the Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take yesternight; for if any thing else should come to it, he would certainly be a dead man, &c.

And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend, who yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the very last, before he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong liquor; which made his Pulse beat so Feaverish and disorderly the next morning, that he was necessitated, at one draught, to whip off a l.u.s.ty gla.s.s of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the Ague;) and then to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him, it causes the better operation.

Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he takes for't, what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the Doctor hath made as neat a guess at it, as if he had studied long for it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his Art so perfect in his Pate.

For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to visit a Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient walks along with him for company. And when one hand washes the other in this manner, O then they are both so Silver clean!

Turn you about now to the _Counsellors_, and see how their Studies are all on Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another, to hear, forsooth, this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily concerns them, thereby to take their measures accordingly: When to the contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to sell a parcel of Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Pract.i.tioners, a great deal worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in the evening they may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of Wine.

Under this bundle resorts continually the s.h.i.ttlec.o.c.k Excis.e.m.e.n, accompanied with Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, in one evening, spend as much in Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient Families would do in a month. These live without care, and command freely out of a full purse, imagining in themselves that all the Revenues are their own.

And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their concerns; they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to chase a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this part may have the better gloss, when they come home in the morning, they have their pockets full of mony, which they throw into their wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some body, and agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries mony, only taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long, till they are pursued by the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt up, or that they prevent it by playing Bankrupt, and in this manner leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.

By these the Foolwise _Notary's_ for the most part join themselves; making their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other Alehouse or Tavern, about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will, or a Contract of agreement of Merchandize; though it be to no other end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge who plaies best at Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Pa.s.sage, or All-fours. From thence then they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there to make a Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two witnesses, half carried, and half trail'd home to their houses; bragging still, that they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. Thus all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.

The like knowledge have also the _Merchants_, _Shop-keepers,_ and others who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but the most fashionable, give it the name of going to a sale of some Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships, Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings, or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then a month, there hath not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or occasion for any such sort of businesses.

And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these sort of people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to have the name of _brave Negotiants_, their princ.i.p.allest aim is to obtain the name of _great News-mongers,_ and that hath so much t.i.ttle-tattle in it, that it requires a person free from all affairs and business to be imploied therein.

Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others, oftner inquiring what tidings there are in the French, English, and Flanders Letters; then to know what news from the Seas, concerning the arrivall or loss of Ships, or what Merchandizes, Commodities and Wares, are risen or fallen in price.

Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling and scolding at their Wives, if they have not their Dinners made ready for them precisely an hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of all the Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though it only tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek some Pot-Companions.

These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the Summer time by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the Coffe-houses; where, under the taking of a pipe of pure Spanish Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, or Limonado, there is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most remarkable of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock strike, nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were never so late.

There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go out only about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures for several hours together at Queenhithe and other places, with selling of chatwood; and when they are a weary with walking and talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest themselves, and call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua mirabilis.

And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason that some men, in the Summer time, take their pleasure most part of the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and Spaw-water. And when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are early at the Strong-water Shop; and in the evening late in the Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week precisely, and that more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be found at the Playhouses.

Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures in a Coach, or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along the high ways, from one Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and at every place where they see but a conveniency to stable their Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an infinite deal of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to be chatting and chaffering with.

These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and Barges, who with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all their occupations; nay, although they were never so important, yet the very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows not only all business out of their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops and Counting-houses.

Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts, spreading of their Sails, hailing up their Spreet and Leeboards, and all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the World, nay can hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a gallant and pleasant day of weather, would be a crime unpardonable.

_No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port, Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't._

Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the forenoon precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there, and the rest of the week both morning and afternoon at their Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite pleasure, hushing up their Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take; looking upon the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts, Carriers, Light Hors.e.m.e.n, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers, and Jacopins; taking care and making so much provision for their young ones, that they let both their own young, and the house-keeping, run to destruction.

But there are the c.o.c.k-Merchants surpa.s.s these abundantly; who, upon certain penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the c.o.c.k-pit; and there, before the Battel begins, consume two or three hours at Tables, and in Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend there the coming of their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport.

Here then a view must be taken of each others c.o.c.ks, which are forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart in their Coops either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if they were persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great valour. Not a word must be spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty imposed upon it) but of c.o.c.k-fighting. Here Master Capon vaunts that his Game-c.o.c.k was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag of Sir John Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks before, had fought against that incomparable Game-c.o.c.k of Squire Owls-eg, and claw'd him off severely.

Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers, coming from several parts with their c.o.c.ks in their bags to the Battel; hanging them up there in ample form till it be their turns to fight. And there also you may behold Lord Spendall brought thither in his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less state; but seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of Guinneys.