The Sum Of All Kisses Part 31

"Actually, my father," Hugh said. Because really, that was where the chain of madness began.

Sarah's body went still, but her head was shaking, almost as if she were trying to jog her brain into understanding. "Why would you do this?" she asked, even though Hugh felt he had made his reasons perfectly clear. "It's wrong. I-i-it's unnatural."

"It's logical," Hugh said.

"Logical? Logical? Are you insane? It's the most illogical, irresponsible, selfish-"

"Sarah, stop," Daniel said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You're overset."

But she just shook him off. "Don't patronize me," she snapped. She turned back to Hugh. He wished he knew what to say. He'd thought he had said the right thing. It was what would have convinced him had their positions been reversed.

"Were you thinking of anyone but yourself?" she demanded.

"I was thinking of your cousin," Hugh said quietly.

"But it is different now," she cried out. "When you made that threat, it was just you. But now it's-"

Hugh waited, but she did not finish the sentence. She did not say, It's not. She didn't say, It's us.

"Well, you don't have to do it," she announced, as if she'd just solved all of their problems. "If something happened to Daniel, you wouldn't have to actually go through with it. No one would hold you to such a contract, no one. Certainly not your father, and Daniel would be dead."

The room went still until Sarah clapped a horrified hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry," she said, turning frantic eyes to her cousin. "I'm so sorry. Oh, my G.o.d, I'm sorry."

"We're done," Daniel bit off, shooting a look of near hatred at Hugh. He put his arm around Sarah and murmured something in her ear. Hugh could not hear what he said, but it did nothing to stem the flow of tears that were now pouring down her face.

"I will pack my things," Hugh said.

No one told him not to do so.

Sarah allowed Daniel to lead her from the room, protesting only when he offered to carry her up the stairs.

"Please, no," she said in a choked voice. "I don't want everyone to realize how upset I am."

Upset. What a pathetic excuse for a word. She wasn't upset, she was wrecked.

Shattered.

"Let me take you back to your room," he said.

She nodded, then blurted, "No! Harriet might be there. I don't want her asking questions, and you know she will."

In the end, Daniel took her back to his own bedchamber, reasoning that it was one of the only rooms in the house in which she could be guaranteed privacy. He asked her one last time if she wanted her mother, or Honoria, or anyone, but Sarah shook her head and curled up in a ball atop his quilts. Daniel found a blanket and laid it over her, and then, once he was a.s.sured that she did indeed wish to be left alone, he exited the room and quietly closed his door behind him.

Ten minutes later Honoria arrived.

"Daniel told me you said you wanted to be alone," Honoria said before Sarah could do more than look at her with an exhausted expression, "but we think you're wrong."

The very definition of family. The people who got to decide when you were wrong. Sarah supposed she was as guilty of this as anyone. Probably more so.

Honoria sat next to her on the bed and gently brushed Sarah's hair from her face. "How can I help you?"

Sarah did not lift her head from her pillow. Nor did she turn to face her cousin. "You can't."

"There must be something we can do," Honoria said. "I refuse to believe that all is lost."

Sarah sat up a little and looked at her in disbelief. "Did Daniel tell you nothing?"

"He told me some," Honoria replied, showing no reaction to Sarah's unkind tone.

"Then how can you say all is not lost? I thought I loved him. I thought he loved me. And now, I find out-" Sarah felt her face contorting with anger that Honoria did not deserve, but she could not control herself. "Don't tell me all is not lost!"

Honoria caught her lower lip between her teeth. "Perhaps if you talked to him."

"I did! How do you think I ended up like this?" Sarah waved her arm in front of her as if to say- As if to say, I'm angry and I'm hurt and I don't know what to do.

As if to say, There's nothing I can do except wave my stupid arm.

As if to say, Help me because I don't know how to ask.

"I'm not entirely certain I got the whole story," Honoria said in a careful voice. "Daniel was very upset, and he said you were crying, and then I rushed off . . ."

"What did he tell you?" Sarah asked in a monotone.

"He explained that Lord Hugh . . ." Honoria grimaced, as if she couldn't quite believe what she was saying. "Well, he told me how Lord Hugh was able to finally convince his father to leave Daniel alone. It's . . ." Once again, Honoria's face found at least three different expressions of incredulity before she was able to continue. "I thought it was rather clever of him, actually, although certainly somewhat . . ."

"Mad?"

"Well, no," Honoria said slowly. "It would only be mad if there was no reasoning behind it, and I don't think Lord Hugh does anything without reasoning it through."

"He said he would kill himself, Honoria. I'm sorry, I cannot- Good G.o.d, and people call me dramatic!"

Honoria bit back a tiny smile. "It is . . . somewhat . . . ironic."

Sarah gave her a look.

"Not that I'm saying it's funny," Honoria said, very quickly.

"I thought I loved him," Sarah said in a small voice.

"Thought?"

"I don't know if I still do." Sarah turned away, letting her head fall back against the bed. It hurt to look at her cousin. Honoria was so happy, and she deserved to be happy, but Sarah would never be pure enough of heart not to hate her just a little bit. Just for this moment.

Honoria held silent for a few seconds, then quietly asked, "Can you fall out of love so quickly?"

"I fell into it quickly." Sarah swallowed uncomfortably. "Maybe it was never really true. Maybe I just wanted it to be true. All these weddings and you and Marcus and Daniel and Anne and everyone looking so happy, and I just want that. Maybe that's all it was."

"Do you really think so?"

"How could I be in love with someone who would threaten such a thing?" Sarah asked in a broken voice.

"He did it to ensure the happiness of another person," Honoria reminded her. "My brother."

"I know," Sarah answered, "and I could admire him for that, honestly I could, but when I asked him if it was just an empty threat, he didn't say that it was." She swallowed convulsively, trying to calm her breathing. "He did not say to me that if . . . if it were necessary"-she choked on the word-"he would not go through with it. I asked him straight to his face, and he did not answer."

"Sarah," Honoria began, "you need to-"

"Do you even understand how awful this conversation is?" Sarah cried. "We are discussing something that would only come to pa.s.s if your brother was murdered. As if . . . as if then . . . whatever Hugh did would be worse?"

Honoria laid a gentle hand on Sarah's shoulder.

"I know," Sarah choked out, as if Honoria's gesture had been a question. "You're going to tell me I need to ask him again. But what if I do and he says that he does mean it, and that if his father changes his mind and does something to Daniel he's going to take a pistol and put it in his stupid mouth?"

There was a terrible moment of silence, then Sarah jammed her hand over her mouth, physically trying to hold in a sob.

"Take a deep breath," Honoria said soothingly, but her eyes were horrified.

"How can I even talk about it?" Sarah cried. "How awful I would feel about Hugh and how angry I would be at him when obviously that would mean Daniel is already dead, and shouldn't that be what crushes me and- G.o.d above, Honoria, it is against the very nature of man. I can't- I can't-"

She fell into her cousin's arms, gasping through her tears. "It isn't fair," she sobbed into Honoria's shoulder. "It just isn't fair."

"No. It's not."

"I love him."

Honoria did not stop rubbing her back. "I know that you do."

"And I feel like a monster, being upset that he said-" Sarah gasped, her lungs pulling in an unexpected gulp of air. "That he said that he would kill himself, and then I begged him to tell me that he wouldn't do it, when shouldn't I really be upset that all this would mean that something had happened to Daniel?"

"But you can see why Lord Hugh made that bargain in the first place," Honoria said. "Can't you?"

Sarah nodded against her. Her lungs hurt. Her whole body hurt. "But it should be different now," she whispered. "He should feel differently now. I should mean something."

"And you do," Honoria said rea.s.suringly. "I know that you do. I've seen the way you look at each other when you think no one is watching."

Sarah pulled back just far enough to look at her cousin's face. Honoria was gazing down at her with the tiniest of smiles, and her eyes-her amazing lavender eyes that Sarah had always envied-were clear and serene.

Was that the difference between the two of them? Sarah wondered. Honoria approached each day as if the world were made of greengla.s.s seas and soft ocean breezes. Sarah's world was one storm after another. She'd never had a serene day in her life.

"I've watched the way he looks at you," Honoria said. "He is in love with you."

"He has not said it."

"Have you?"

Sarah let her silence be her reply.

Honoria reached out and took her hand. "You might have to be the brave one and say it first."

"That's easy for you to say," Sarah said, thinking of Marcus, always so honorable and reserved. "You fell in love with the easiest, loveliest, least complicated man in England."

Honoria gave a sympathetic shrug. "We can't help with whom we fall in love. And you're not the easiest, least complicated woman in England, you know."

Sarah gave her a sideways look. "You left out loveliest."

"Well, you might be the loveliest," Honoria said with a crooked smile. Then she nudged Sarah with her elbow. "I daresay Lord Hugh thinks you're the loveliest."

Sarah buried her face in her hands. "What am I going to do?"

"I think you're going to have to talk to him."

Sarah knew Honoria was right, but she could not stop her mind from racing through all of the eventualities such a conversation might bring. "What if he says he will hold to the bargain?" she finally asked, her voice small and scared.

Several seconds went by, and Honoria said, "Then at least you will know. But if you don't ask him, you will never know what he might have said. Just think if Romeo and Juliet had actually talked to each other."

Sarah looked up, momentarily flabbergasted. "That's a terrible comparison."

"Sorry, yes, you're right." Honoria looked abashed, then changed her mind and pointed at Sarah with a jaunty finger. "But it made you stop crying."

"If only to scold you."

"You may scold me all you wish if it brings a smile back to your face. But you must promise me that you will talk to him. You don't want some big, awful misunderstanding to ruin your chance at happiness."

"What you're saying is, if my life is to be ruined, I need to do it myself?" Sarah asked in a dry voice.

"It's not quite how I would have put it, but yes."

Sarah was quiet for a long moment, and then she asked, almost absentmindedly, "Did you know he can multiply large sums in his head?"

Honoria smiled indulgently. "No, but it does not surprise me."

"It takes him only an instant. He tried to explain it once, what it looks like in his head when he does it, but I couldn't follow a thing he was saying."

"Arithmetic works in mysterious ways."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "As opposed to love?"

"Love is entirely incomprehensible," Honoria said. "Arithmetic is merely mysterious." She shrugged, stood up, and held out a hand to Sarah. "Or maybe it's the other way around. Shall we go find out?"

"You're coming with me?"

"Just to help you locate him." She gave a little one-shouldered shrug. "It's a large house."

Sarah quirked a suspicious brow. "You're afraid I will lose my nerve."

"Without a doubt," Honoria confirmed.

"I won't," Sarah said, and despite the b.u.t.terflies in her stomach and dread in her heart, she knew it was true. She was not one to back down from her fears. And she would never be able to live with herself if she did not do everything in her power to ensure her own happiness.