The Story of My Life Part 8

_Feb. 13th._--I am resolved, by G.o.d's a.s.sisting grace, to keep the following resolutions:--(1) Endeavour to fix my first waking thoughts on G.o.d; (2) By rising early to attend to my devotions, and reading the Scriptures; (3)By praying oftener each day, and maintaining a more devotional frame of mind; (4) By being more circ.u.mspect in my conduct and conversation; (5) By improving my time more diligently in reading useful books, and study; (6) By watching over my thoughts, and keeping my desires within proper bounds; (7) By examining myself more closely by the scripture rule; (8) By leaving myself and all that concerns me to G.o.d's disposal; (9) By reviewing every evening the actions of the day, and especially every Sabbath, examining wherein I have come short, or have kept G.o.d's precepts.

_Feb. 16th._--I have lately been closely employed in reading Bishop Burnet's History of the Reformation. How sad to reflect on the cruelties that were then practised against the professors of true religion! What a reason for thankfulness that the sway of papal authority can no longer inflict papal obligations on the consciences of men! But after careful research into this highly authentic history, I find but few vestiges of that apostolic purity which churchmen so boastfully attribute to that memorable period of Christian history. Great allowance, is, however, to be made when we consider that they were just emerging out of the superst.i.tions of popery. That doctrines, discipline, and ceremonies, cannot be established without the royal a.s.sent, even when they are approved both by ecclesiastical and legislative authority, is a practice so different from anything that the Primitive Church authorizes, it seems to me to originate from quite a different source; that a whole nation should be bound in their religious opinions by a single individual, savours so much of popery, I think it may properly be called its offspring. Pretentions to regal supremacy in church affairs were never made till a late period, although this interference of papal authority in matters entirely spiritual, does not annul any ecclesiastical power, or prove its doctrines to be corrupt, or its ordinations illegal. It may be justly ranked among the invasions of modern corruption.

_Feb. 17th._--Since I drew up, four days since, several resolutions for amendment, I bless G.o.d I have reason to believe I have made some improvement. I have applied myself more closely to study, prayed oftener, and governed my thoughts with more rigour.

_Feb. 27th._--I am now emerging into life, surrounded by blessings and opportunities for usefulness and improvement; but, alas! where is my grat.i.tude, my love to G.o.d, my zeal for his cause, and for the salvation of those who are ignorant of the great truths of the Gospel? If, O G.o.d, thou hast designed this awfully important work for me, qualify me for it; increase and enlarge my desires for the salvation of immortal souls!

_March 15th._--This day I have recommenced my studies with Mr. John Law, at Hamilton. How necessary that I should be very careful in my conduct for the credit of religion and Methodism!

_March 24th._--I have this day finished twenty-two years of my life. I have decided this day to travel in the Methodist Connexion and preach Jesus to the lost sons of men. Oh, the awful importance of this work! How utterly unfit I am for the undertaking! How little wisdom, experience, and, above all, grace do I possess for the labours of the ministry! Blessed Jesus, fountain of wisdom, G.o.d of power, I give myself to thee, and to the Church, to do with me according to thy will. Instruct and sanctify me, that whether I live, it may be to the Lord, and when I die it may be to the Lord!

_April 3rd.--Easter Sunday._--I this day commenced my ministerial labours. Bless the Lord, he has given me a heart to feel. He hears my prayer. Oh, my soul, hang all thy hopes upon the Lord! Forbid I should seek the praise of men, but may I seek their good and G.o.d's glory.

In the morning I endeavoured to speak from Ps. cxxvi. 5, and in the evening from Acts ii. 24--a subject suitable for the day; bless the Lord, I felt something of the power of my Saviour's resurrection resting on my soul.

_April 8th._--The Lord being my helper, my little knowledge and feeble talents shall be unreservedly devoted to his service. I do not yet regret giving up my worldly pursuits for the welfare of souls. I want Christ to be all in all.

_April 10th.--Sabbath._--I endeavoured this morning to show the abundant provisions, the efficacy, and the triumphs of the Gospel from Isaiah xxv. 6, 7, 8, and in the afternoon I described the righteous man and his end from Prov. xiv. 32. I felt much of the presence of the Lord, and I do bless the Lord he has converted one soul in this place to-day. I feel encouraged to go on.

_April 13th._--I have been depressed in spirit on account of having no abode for domestic retirement, and becoming exposed to all the besetments of public life.

_April 15th._--So bowed down with temptation to-day, I almost resolved to return to my native place. But, in G.o.d's strength, I will try to do my best during the time I have engaged to supply my brother William's place.

_April 16th._--In reading Rollin's account of the conquest of Babylon, I conceive more exalted ideas of the truth of the Word of G.o.d, whose predictions were so exactly fulfilled in the destruction of that city.

_April 17th.--Sabbath._--My labours this day have been excessive, having delivered three discourses. In the morning my mind was dull and heavy, in the afternoon warm and pathetic, in the evening clear and fertile. I feel encouraged to continue on.

_April 23rd._--I feel nothing but condemnation in reviewing the actions of the past week. Would it not be better for me to return home until I gain better government over myself. Oh, Lord, I throw myself upon thy mercy! "Take not thy Holy Spirit from me! Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation!"

_April 25th and 26th._--And thus I go on, depressed and refreshed; almost discouraged because of the way, and then cheered by the kind and fatherly conversation of Rev. Thomas Madden.

_April 29th._--In travelling to-day a tree fell across the road four or five rods before me, and another not far behind, but I escaped unhurt. My heart glowed with grat.i.tude; I felt that the Lord was indeed my protector. But whilst so narrowly escaping myself, two persons, a woman and her son, who were travelling a short distance behind me, were suddenly killed by the falling of a tree, and thus in an instant hurried into eternity.

_May 4th._--I watched to-day a large concourse of people a.s.sembled to witness horse-racing. I stood at a distance that I might observe an ill.u.s.tration of human nature. Curiosity and excitement were depicted in every countenance. What is to become of this thoughtless mult.i.tude? Is there no mercy for them? Surely there is.

Why will they not be saved? Because they will not come to Him.

_May 5th._--During the day I preached once, to a listening but wicked a.s.sembly. In the afternoon I heard my brother William. I was affected by the force of his reasoning, and the power of his eloquence. I hope the Lord will help me to imitate his piety and zeal.

_May 7th._--A camp-meeting was commenced this afternoon on Yonge Street, near the town of York. Rev. Thomas Madden preached from, "Lord help me!" Every countenance indicated interest, and every heart appeared willing to receive the word. In the evening a pious, aged man spoke (Mr. D. Y.) His discourse was full of G.o.d. Several were converted and made very happy.

_May 8th._--The people rose at 5 a.m. After prayers and breakfast, there was a prayer meeting, daring which G.o.d was especially present. At 8 a.m. I preached from Hosea xiii. 3. This was followed by two exhortations; then Rev. Rowley Heyland preached from, "Buy the truth, and sell it not." About two o'clock the people were again a.s.sembled to hear the Rev. James Richardson (formerly a lieutenant in the British Navy) from the words, "Be ye reconciled to G.o.d." His style was plain but unadorned, his reasoning clear, and his arguments forcible. The services concluded with the celebration of the Lord's Supper. About three hundred communicated, sixty-two professed to have obtained the pardon of their sins, and forty-two gave their names as desirous of becoming members of the Methodist Society. After this, a concluding address was delivered by the Rev. Wm. Ryerson, in which he gave particular directions to the Methodists as subjects under the civil const.i.tution, as members of the Church of Christ, as parents, as children, as individuals.

He animadverted on the groundless and disingenuous aspersions that had been thrown out through the press against Methodism, on account of the suspected loyalty of its const.i.tutional principles. He warmly insisted on a vigorous observance, support, and respect for the Civil Government, both from the beneficence of its laws and the equity of its administration, as well as from the authority of G.o.d.

The concluding ceremony was the most affecting I ever witnessed, especially in the affection which the people showed for their ministers.

_May 12th._--I have this day ridden nearly thirty miles, preached three times, and met two cla.s.ses. I felt very much fatigued, yet the Lord has given me "strength equal to my day."

_May 19th._--I have been much blessed in the society of pious friends. A part of the week I felt very sick, but was greatly comforted by the conversation and affectionate treatment of my kindest friend, Mrs. Smith. Since I commenced labouring for my Master I have found fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, all ready to supply my every want.

_May 24th._--A Camp-meeting commenced at Mount Pleasant. The presence of both Mississauga and Mohawk Indians added greatly to the interest of the meeting. Peter Jones addressed his people in their own tongue; although I did not understand, I was much affected by his fervency and pathos. He spoke in English in a manner that astonished all present.

Another Indian Chief addressed his brethren in the Mohawk tongue. I could not understand a word of it, but was carried away with his pathos and energy. These Indians thanked the white people for sending them the Gospel. He said that upwards of sixty Indians had been converted, and could testify that G.o.d had power to forgive sin. He, _i.e._, a young Chippewa said that the most earnest desire and prayer of the Christian Indians was that G.o.d would drive the horrid whiskey from their nation. It was truly affecting to see this young man arise and testify in the presence of G.o.d and this large a.s.sembly, that "he had the witness in his own soul, that G.o.d for Christ's sake had forgiven all his sins." The congregation was much moved, and prayers and praises were heard in every part of the a.s.sembly. At the close of the exercises, on the following day, the Mohawk Chief said, "They considered that they belonged to the Methodist Church, as they had done all for them."

_May 29th._--For many days I have been cast down by a weight of care. My Father is exceedingly anxious that I should return home, and remain with him during his lifetime. A position in the Church of England has presented itself, and other advantageous attractions with regard to this world, offer themselves.[5] It makes my heart bleed to see the anxiety of my parents. But is it duty? If they were in want I would return to them without hesitation, but when I consider they have everything necessary, can it be my duty to gratify them at the expense of the cause of G.o.d? Surely if a man may leave father and mother to join himself to a wife, how much more reasonable _to leave all_ to join himself to the Christian ministry. My parents are dear to me, but my duty to G.o.d is dearer still. One thing do I desire, that I may live in the House of the Lord for ever!

And shall I leave a Church through whose faithful instructions I have been brought to know G.o.d, for any advantages that the entrance to another might afford me? No, far be it from me; as I received the Lord Jesus, so I will walk in him. Earthly distinctions will be but short; but the favour of G.o.d will last forever. Besides, is it a sacrifice to do my duty? Is it not rather a cause of grat.i.tude that I know my duty, and am allowed to perform it? My heart is united with the Methodists, my soul is one with theirs; my labours are acceptable, and they are anxious that I should continue with them. I believe in their Articles, I approve of their Const.i.tution, and I believe them to be of the Church of Christ.

_Saltfleet, May 30th._--[Amongst Dr. Ryerson's papers I find the two following letters. The first addressed from Saltfleet, on this day, to his brother George; the second to his Mother on the following day.--J.

G. H.]

[To his brother, Rev. George Ryerson, he said: I suppose your first inquiry is to know my spiritual condition and prospects. As to my religious enjoyments, I think that I have reason to believe I am daily blessed with the divine presence to enlighten, to instruct, and to a.s.sist me in my researches and meditations, and in the other arduous duties I have to discharge. Never did I so sensibly feel the importance of the work in which I am now engaged, as I have these few days past. I feel that I am altogether inadequate to it; but G.o.d has in a very special manner, at different times, been my wisdom and strength. I do not feel sorry that I have commenced travelling as a preacher. I think I feel more deeply the worth of souls at heart. I feel willing to spend my all, and be spent in the cause of G.o.d, if I may become the unworthy instrument in doing some good to the souls of men. The greatest a.s.sistance I receive in my public labours, is that which results from a firm dependence on G.o.d for light, life, and power. When I forget this I am visited with that barrenness of mind, and hardness of heart which are always the companions of those who live at a distance from G.o.d. In discharging every public duty, my prayer to G.o.d is, to renew my commission afresh, and give me wisdom and energy, and I do not find him slack concerning his promise. I am striving to pursue my studies with unabating ardour. My general practice is to retire at ten o'clock, or before, and rise at five. When I am travelling, I strive to converse no more than is necessary and useful, endeavouring at all times to keep in mind the remark of Dr. Clarke, that a preacher's whole business is to save souls, and that that preacher is the most useful who is the most in his closet. On my leisure days I read from ten to twenty verses of Greek a day, besides reading history, the Scriptures, and the best works on practical divinity, among which Chalmers' has decidedly the preference in my mind, both for piety and depth of thought. These two last studies employ the greatest part of my time. My preaching is altogether original. I endeavour to collect as many ideas from every source as I can; but I do not copy the expression of any one. For I do detest seeing blooming flowers in dead men's hands. I think it my duty, and I try to get a general knowledge, and view of any subject that I discuss before-hand; but not unfrequently I have tried to preach with only a few minutes previous reflection. Remember me to my dear Mother, and give her this letter to read, and tell her that I will write soon.]

_Saltfleet, May 31st._--[To his Mother he writes: My dear Mother, I am thankful to say that I am well, and am trying in a weak way to serve the Lord, and persuading as many others to do so as I can. I feel that I am almost dest.i.tute of every necessary qualification for so important a work. The Lord has blessed me in a very special manner at many different times. Our prospects are very favourable in some places. Our congregations are generally large, and still increasing. We have twenty-four appointments in four weeks. I have formed some very useful and pious acquaintances since I left home. The Lord seems to be with me, and renders my feeble efforts acceptable in general. My acquaintance seems to be sought by all cla.s.ses, and I try to improve such advantages in spreading, by my example and conversation, the blessed religion of Christ among all ranks. I have many temptations to contend with, and many trials to weigh me down at times. Some of these arise from a sense of the injustice which I have done to important subjects, on account of my ignorance, which drives me to a throne of grace, and a closer application to my studies. My situation is truly a state of trial, and none but G.o.d could support and direct me. And I do feel the comforting and refreshing influence of his divine power at times very sensibly. I am determined, by his a.s.sistance, never to rest contented until he not only becomes my wisdom, but my sanctification, and my full redemption.

And blessed be the Lord, my dear Mother, I do feel a hope, and a confidence that the same divine power and goodness which supports and comforts you in your ill state of health, and which gives you victory over your trials, and consolation in your distress, will conduct me, too, through this stormy maze, and we shall yet have the blessedness of meeting at our Father's table in Heaven. And G.o.d being my helper, my dear Mother, when you have gone home to rest with G.o.d, I am determined to pursue the same path, which you have strewn with prayers, with tears, and living faith, until I reach the same blessed port. I hope that you will pray that the Lord would help and save me forever! If I had no other inducement to serve G.o.d, and walk in the path of religion, but your comfort, I would try and devote my life to it while I live; but when Heaven's transcendant glory beams forth in prospective view, my soul burns to possess the kingdom, and my heart is enlarged for the salvation of others. I wish you would get George to write immediately, and let me know the state of your mind, and your opinion about my returning home, also his own opinion on that subject.--J. G. H.]

_July 2nd._--This week has been a season of trial. I have left my Father's house once more, and arrived on my Circuit.

_July 3rd.--Sabbath._--I have preached twice to-day in Niagara for the first time; felt very embarra.s.sed, but my trust was in G.o.d, and my prayer to Him for a.s.sistance.

_July 4th._--This evening I have been distressed in mind on account of leaving my parents. My heart melts within me when I think of my Father's faltering voice, when lying on his bed he said, "Good-bye, Egerton," and reached forth his trembling hand, saying by his countenance that he never expected to see his son a resident in his house again. He laid himself back in his bed in apparent despair, no more to enjoy the society of the child he loved. Oh, my G.o.d! is it not too much for humanity? Nature sinks beneath the weight. It is only G.o.d that can sustain. May I endure manfully to the end!

_July 6th and 7th._--I have been much interested in reading Dr.

c.o.ke's discourses, also Wesley's sermons on "The Kingdom of G.o.d."

_July 9th._--I have crossed the river to the United States to-day for the first time. The manners of the people are not pleasant to me.

_July 10th--Sabbath._--The Lord has greatly blessed me this day. I have preached three times. My heart overflowed with love for immortal souls. Many wept, and G.o.d's people seemed stirred up to engage afresh in His service. In the evening, I preached to very a wicked congregation, from Matt. xvi. 24. My mind was clear, particularly in argument, but they seemed to be unaffected.

_July 14th._--I have been afflicted with illness, but the Lord has comforted me. Again had to mourn over light conversation, still I think I have gained some victory. I am determined to watch and pray until I obtain a triumph over this trying besetment.

_July 17th._--I felt so ill this morning that I could not attend my appointment, but recovered so as to preach feebly in the afternoon.

The Word seemed to rest with power on the people.

_July 21st._--For several days I have been much interested in reading Fletcher's "Portrait of St. Paul." When I compare my actions and feelings with the standard there laid down, I blush on account of my ignorance in the duties and labours connected with my calling. Did the ministers of the Gospel obtain and possess a deeper communion with G.o.d? Did they cultivate primitive piety in their lives, and Gospel simplicity in their preaching, surely the power of darkness could not stand before them! How many learned discourses are entirely lost in the wisdom of words, whereas plain and simple sermons, delivered with power and demonstration of the Spirit, have been attended with astonishing success.

_July 27th._--I have been considerably agitated in my mind for the last two days, having lost my horse. The fatigue in searching for her has been considerable. Thank G.o.d she is found!

_July 31st--Sabbath._--Greatly blessed in attending a Quarterly meeting in Hamilton; also in hearing an interesting account of the Indians receiving their presents at York. Peter Jones had written to Col. Givens to enquire just what time they must be there, stating that as many of them had become Christianized and industrious, they did not want to lose time. The Colonel was surprised at the news, and replied, giving the necessary information. Peter Jones' letter was shown to Rev. Dr. Strachan and His Excellency the Governor. It excited great curiosity. When the Indians arrived, the Colonel had, as usual, brought liquor to treat them, but as Peter Jones informed him the Christian Indians would not drink, he very wisely said "the others should not have it either," and sent it back. How the Lord honours those who honour Him. Rev. Dr. Strachan and several ladies and gentlemen a.s.sembled to see the distribution of presents. The Christian Indians were requested to separate from the others, that they might read and sing. The company was much pleased, and Dr. Strachan prayed with them. On the following Sabbath, the Dr. visited the Credit settlement, and attended one of the meetings which was addressed by Peter Jones. Dr. Strachan proposed their coming under the superintendence of the Church of England; but after holding a council, they declined, deciding to remain under the direction of the Methodists. May the Lord greatly prosper his work amongst them, preserve them from every delusive snare, and may their happy souls be kept blameless unto the day of Jesus Christ!

_August 1st._--This day I have been admitted into the Methodist Connexion, licensed as a Local Preacher, and recommended tn the Annual Conference to be received on trial. How awful the responsibility! How dreadful my condition if I violate my charge or deal deceitfully with souls! Oh, G.o.d, a.s.sist me to declare Thy whole counsel! and help me to instruct by example as well as precept. How swiftly am I gliding down time's rapid stream! I am daily reminded of the uncertainty and shortness of life. I went to-day to visit a friend, and (as usual) smilingly came to the door, when behold! all was mourning and sorrow! An infant son had just taken its everlasting flight to the arms of Jesus. He was a fine boy, active and promising, but he had suddenly gone to return no more! The father's philosophy forsakes him now; parental feeling has uncontrolled sway. I recommended religion as the only sufficient support and comfort. I touched on the mysterious government of G.o.d; that truly "Clouds and darkness are round about him." yet "righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." I pointed out the happiness of the beloved babe, which should lead us to devote our all to His service, that we might eventually share in the unspeakable blessedness to which the lovely infant is now raised.

_Aug. 10th._--My soul rejoices at the news I have heard from home, that my eldest brother (George) has resolved to join the Methodists, and become a missionary among the Indians. How encouraging and comforting the thought that four of us are now united in the same Church, and pursue the same glorious calling. My Father has become reconciled, and my Mother is willing to part with her sons for the sake of the Church of Christ.

_Aug. 14th--Sabbath._--Never did I feel my pride more mortified in the discharge of public duty. I was desirous of delivering a discourse, in Niagara, which would meet the approbation of all, after carefully adjusting the subject, by the a.s.sistance of a variety of authors; but through fatigue (having rode twelve miles), and embarra.s.sment, I was scarcely able to finish. My heart felt hard and my mind barren, conscience reproached me that I had not acted with a single eye to the glory of G.o.d. In the afternoon, I threw myself on the mercy of G.o.d; my tongue was loosened and my heart warmed. Surely, "They that trust in the Lord shall not be confounded."

_Aug. 17th._--This morning a lady died with whom I had considerable conversation on the subject of Methodism, and on the propriety of her daughters joining the society contrary to her wish. She appeared to be satisfied with my account of the principles and nature of Methodism, but did not like to acknowledge the propriety of her daughters' proceedings, although her judgment seemed convinced as I adverted to the principles of her own church. I am informed that yesterday she said, "The girls are right and I am wrong." How comforting this must be to her daughters, who have entirely overcome her opposition by their kindness, affection, and gospel simplicity.

_Aug. 22nd._--Yesterday I delivered a discourse on the subject of Missions, for the purpose of forming a Missionary Society in this place (Niagara).

_September 3rd, 1825._--I took tea this afternoon at Youngstown, U.S., for the first time.