The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 9

When his time as president came to a close, Johnson scored historically low both in approval ratings and on the "Is he hot or not?" board in the town square. A complete failure in terms of his presidency, Johnson's most important and perhaps only success was his purchase of Alaska from the soon-to-be freewill-restricted Communist nation of the Russia. Without this international land transfer deal, American oil reserves would be embarra.s.singly low, and the pool of female vice president candidates would be less physically attractive.

1869 THE GOLDEN SPIKE OF THE FIRST TRANSCONTINENTAL RAI.

Iroad how to get rich quick using no-bid government contracts.

Nonlubricated Penetration.

The wildly successful Trail of Tears served as the backdrop for spearheading an effort to link the eastern United States with the more laid-back western states as suddenly compa.s.sionate legislators everywhere demanded that the country be linked by rails. It was argued that the effort to move the Indians out west by foot decades earlier proved to be too time consuming, and although they were indifferent about the many deaths, they rationalized that if they ever needed to relocate another ethnic group in the future, they needed to prepare for it well in advance. In looking at the wave of unruly immigrants moving into the country, it became apparent the railroad system would serve a much greater purpose than simply moving important business commodities - it would act as an on-call ethnic people shuffler.

The East-West Gravy Train.

Of course, when legislators get sudden compa.s.sion for a cause, it can only mean one thing: there is money to be made. After receiving former Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney's Halliburton-sponsored audiotapes on how to get rich quick using no-bid government contracts, Oakes Ames, a prominent and successful shovel manufacturer and congressman, gathered up a handful of the most financially privileged Americans and British to begin a private effort to build the iron minority mover. Ames took the Halliburton system to new heights as he influenced the United States government to not only give them the land to build the railroad, but also give them huge amounts of additional land to sell on their own, ensuring their profitability.

In Halliburton-like fashion, several individuals made fortunes, while the rest of the country had the pleasure of paying nearly twice as much as expected for the completed railway. For many, this seemed impossible, as the east-to-west portion of the track was mostly laid by hungover Irish immigrants and the west-to-east track was laid mostly by Chinese immigrants who were still weak from their journey, all of whom earned slave-like wages at best.

Aiding the investors' efforts to realize huge profits were towns all across the country that paid huge bribes to the railroad companies to convince them of the merits of running the railroad through their town. These eagerly accepted bribes resulted in many twists and turns, inconveniently changing the path of the transcontinental rails.

Don't Sign a Gym Membership.

On May 10, 1869, the ethnic people shuffler was completed when railroad profiteer Leland Stanford drove in a ceremonial golden spike that effectively connected the eastern portion of the United States to the western portion of the United States. This was a relief to compa.s.sionate legislators, as they now had a more humane way of taking conveniently located, fertile land from ethnic landowners and exchanging it for less fertile, more inconveniently located land elsewhere in the country. It also ensured that if some great resource was discovered in the Indians' new home, we could move them again. But this time if we needed the exchanged land that was given to Native Americans with the Indian Removal Act back again, we would not force them to walk hundreds of miles to their new government-approved location, providing they could afford the train ticket.

1876 THE BATTLE OF LITTLE BIGHORN.

The largest fiasco in American military history.

Put a Dollar in the Loincloth.

Americans have always taken great pride in their ability to run profitable strip clubs in a country founded on Judeo-Christian principles along with their ability to succeed militarily on the battlefield. The Little Bighorn River, located in Montana, may have been without a gentlemen's club in 1876, however, it did prove to be an appropriate venue for George Custer's last stand. Over the years, Custer's last stand has fondly become known as perhaps the largest fiasco in American military history.

Custer-Filled Rumley.

He was born George "I'll go down in history" Custer in New Rumley, Ohio, famous for, well, Custer being born there. Custer was an embarra.s.sment to New Rumley, as he graduated from West Point academy dead last in his cla.s.s. His ineptness extending beyond the cla.s.sroom, Custer performed miserably once on duty. He was court-martialed, only to be saved from punishment by the timely outbreak of the Civil War and the shortage of trained soldiers. After being court-martialed a second time, Custer was a.s.signed to be part of the 1876 mission to take down the Lakota tribe along with the more competent Generals Gibbon and Crook.

A Horse, a Bull, and a Crook Go into a Bar ...

In 1876, the U.S. government ordered the Lakota chiefs to report to their designated land by the end of January. IGNORING NATIVE AMERICANS' CLAIM THAT THEY WERE THERE FIRST, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WAS KIND ENOUGH TO MAKE ADDITIONAL ROOM FOR WHITE PEOPLE BY ORDERING THE INDIANS TO TAKE UP RESIDENCY IN A LITTLE s.p.a.cE OUT WEST THAT THE WHITES DIDN'T WANT YET.

Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse, among others, decided not to comply. Generals Gibbon and Crook were sent with Custer to drive Sitting Bull and the other chiefs onto the reservation for a lifetime of gambling and alcohol. As the fight began, Crazy Horse and his warriors got the upper hand, forcing General Crook to retreat. Later in June, Custer found Sitting Bull's encampment near the Little Bighorn River. Sensing an historic opportunity, Custer disregarded the original plan and instead charged ahead only to find out that he and his men were outnumbered four-to-one. Needless to say, Custer's premonition about history was correct. The Lakota warriors killed Custer and all of his troops, offering no surrender. It was one of the worst defeats in U.S. military history. Despite more troops coming later for Sitting Bull, he and his men escaped to Canada where their native style of dress and incomprehensible speech made them nearly invisible.

On Common Ground.

For his efforts, history has not forgotten the foolish way in which General George Custer died, and fittingly, numerous cemeteries have been named after him. AS FOR CRAZY HORSE, HISTORY REMEMBERS HIM TOO, WITH NUMEROUS STRIP CLUBS AROUND THE COUNTRY CARRYING HIS NAME. It is nice to see that after all of the blood, death, and tears there is still an environment that both Judeo-Christian white men and descendents of fierce Indian warriors can enjoy together.

1881 a.s.sa.s.sINATION OF JAMES GARFIELD.

Having never before been a.s.sa.s.sinated, the new experience intrigued Garfield.

Decidedly Undecided.

James Garfield was indifferent about the distinction of being the twentieth president of the United States. Those who knew him best and those who never knew him at all have debated whether he was afflicted with a bad case of Attention Deficit Disorder or if he simply had issues making up his mind. His inability to focus on any one given task was legendary. Garfield was born on November 19, 1831, in Orange, Ohio, after considering exiting the womb in several different cities.

Garfield's inability to make decisions developed when he was a young child; however, it wasn't until he entered college that it really started to show. He accepted admission into Western Reserve Eclectic Inst.i.tute, seemingly the perfect place for the inattentive Garfield, considering their unique mix of studies. As expected, Garfield got bored and he transferred to Williams College in Ma.s.sachusetts, where, predictably, he changed majors constantly.

Upon graduation, Garfield couldn't muster up a decision on an occupation, so he defaulted with G.o.d and became a minister at the Franklin Circle Christian Church. Quickly deciding he wasn't as religious as he first thought, he quit on G.o.d in an unsuccessful attempt to become a high school princ.i.p.al in Poestenkill, New York. Unsatisfied and lost, he bailed on the princ.i.p.al experiment to become a teacher at the aptly named Eclectic Inst.i.tute for the 18561857 academic year. Still feeling unfulfilled, he took over as the University's president from 1857 to 1860.

In 1858, he married Lucretia Rudolph, but unable to decide on one woman, he dallied with Lucia Calhoun, and then decided he was right the first time and went back to his wife. Next, Garfield decided that the academic life wasn't for him and became a lawyer, pa.s.sing the Ohio bar in 1860. Waiting for his entrance into the bar, he became unsure if legal work was for him and became an Ohio State Senator from 1859 to 1861. Confused but determined, he tried stints as a major general in the U.S. Army, a member of the U.S. House of Representatives, and a member of the Electoral Commission in 1876. Still trying to find himself, he experimented with the job of the U.S. president in 1880.

Indecision Maker.

During the election of 1880, things were hotly contested. Garfield ran as the Republican nominee, and Winfield Scott Hanc.o.c.k ran as the Democratic candidate. Following the vote, the wiser more important Electoral College decisively installed Garfield as the president of the United States by a margin of 214 votes to 155, despite the popular vote being only 10,000 votes apart. The victory made the successful and indecisive Garfield an acting congressman, senator elect, and president elect. Obviously, Garfield liked to keep his career options open. But whether or not he would become bored with being the president, we would never find out.

Dead or Alive?

If presidents received an official letter grade, Bush Jr. would get an "F," Reagan a B+, Carter a "D," and Garfield an "I" as he was president for only four months before being killed. ON JULY 2, 1881, LASAGNA HATER AND LAWYER CHARLES GUITEAU SHOT PRESIDENT GARFIELD AT A TRAIN STATION. Guiteau apparently thought he should be in line for employment in a cushy position as consul in Paris. Garfield naturally couldn't make up his mind on who should fill the position, and despite Guiteau's protests, Garfield moved on to not decide on other equally important issues. When his protestation fell on deaf ears, Guiteau made sure his last protest rang out in the form of a revolver shot. Having never before been a.s.sa.s.sinated, the new experience intrigued Garfield. He experienced both the wound and the fascination of it all for four weeks before deciding he had done it all and tried one last experience, being bored to death. Garfield died on September 19, 1881.

1890 THE DEATH OF SITTING BULL.

Whites have long been considered the lowest on the getting-down totem pole.

Dance by Numbers.

With absolutely no shame, white America happily forces the Macarena, the electric slide, and the chicken dance on naive and impressionable dancing enthusiasts at weddings and professional sporting events. Children with white parents and white parents with white parents have turned their backs on common decency and actively partic.i.p.ated in these childishly scripted dances on the pretense that it strengthens the fabric of America. DANCES LIKE THESE ARE HEAVILY PROMOTED BY WHITE AMERICA, AS THEY GIVE MANY OF THE RHYTHMICALLY CHALLENGED THE OPPORTUNITY TO FEEL SAFE AND SECURE ON THE DANCE FLOOR. Now if they could only produce a step-by-step method to solve many a white man's problem with lack of endowment.

Capitalizing on the theory of strength in numbers, those dancers with a fair complexion now make their darker, more rhythmically inclined dancing counterparts nervous. Whites have long been considered the lowest on the getting-down totem pole, and for scores of white Americans to confidently dance in public, it is clear that non-whites must lose their monopoly on the business of cuttin' the rug.

A Hot New Dance.

The precedent for using dancing as a tool to create fear in those of a different complexion was laid out in the 1880s when Native Americans singing "this land is our land" offered up the Ghost Dance to their dance-hungry brothers and sisters. Similar to popular white dances, it was believed by those who believed that the dance had the support of G.o.d. In fact, it was believed, that if you believed, and G.o.d believed that you believed, then he would protect the believer from the bullets of the white man's gun. After years of constant battle with the White-non-Hispanic U.S. military the enthusiasm for being shot was at an all-time low in the Native American community.

Ch.o.r.eographers of the Ghost Dance used this lack of desire to be inflicted with gunshot wounds to raise the popularity of their hot new dance. The Ghost Dance received heavy rotation in the club scene between the regular rotation of 50 Cent and T-Pain tracks.

Death by Macarena.

To give credibility to their dance, the ch.o.r.eographers signed a promotional deal with one of the most respected Native American military leaders, Sitting Bull. Sitting Bull was required to promote the Ghost Dance within his community and to lend his image for print and television advertis.e.m.e.nts. The well-liked Sitting Bull proved to be the right front man, as the popularity of the Ghost Dance spread like herpes at a condom-free swingers party.

By the end of 1890, the fear of the Ghost Dance within the white community reached historic proportions, reaching Number 2 on Whitey's Fear Chart, just behind being left alone in an alley with a large number of muscular men of African descent who had been abused by their slave owner. The fear resulted in the government agent responsible for keeping an eye on the wildly popular Sitting Bull to order his arrest.

On December 15, 1890, special agent James McLaughlin, fearful that there might be something to this "I believe and G.o.d believes I believe" rhetoric, cowardly ordered the Native American reservation police to arrest Sitting Bull. During the arrest, a Rodney King - like riot broke out, resulting in Sitting Bull being shot dead. With Sitting Bull dead from a gunshot wound, the Ghost Dance proved to not live up to all its hype. Native Americans everywhere were disappointed at this and began to turn their attention to a new dance craze, called "retreat to the reservation." THIS TRAGEDY ASIDE, WE CAN ONLY BE THANKFUL THERE ARE NOT MORE CASUALTIES WHEN LARGE GROUPS OF WHITE PEOPLE TAKE TO THE DANCE FLOOR.

1901 a.s.sa.s.sINATION OF WILLIAM MCKINLEY.

The president that n.o.body remembers.

Horton Hears a "Who?"