The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 7

Such was the scene in the 1830s in the Mexican-owned territory of Texas. Mexico had secured the territory in a fistfight-with-guns military squabble with Spain in 1821. As part of the "we are now going to get along" peace treaty, they acquired the territories of California, New Mexico, and Texas. Following the conflict with Spain, the Mexican government was poor. Being unable to rub a couple of pesos together for good luck, the government of Mexico encouraged American settlers to inhabit the area of Texas in hopes the Americans would bring their G.o.d-given guns with them to help protect the newly acquired land.

Without real border control or a Republican-inspired fence to keep them out, many more Americans settled in Texas than the Mexicans antic.i.p.ated or wanted. The higher concentration of Americans, the natives' displeasure with the financial state of the Mexican government, and the lack of suitable drinking water caused the Texans to revolt in 1836, striving to gain their independence from the troubled poncho-appreciating nation of Mexico. When the revolution was crushed, the revolutionaries made overtures to the United States to annex their territory.

Mexican Buffet.

As Jose rode his burro through town, he saw more Americans. Why did they have to come here? Of course sales of energy drinks and taquitos were way up, and if you needed a truckload of them, they were always available as day laborers, but the Americans were lazy and never showed up for work before 10:00 A.M.

Leading up to the Mexican war, the pacifist nation of the United States attempted to kindly purchase a large portion of Mexico's territory. But, despite their financial hardship, the Mexican government was confrontationally refusing to sell, obligating the United States to take it forcefully for the betterment of G.o.d's favored Americans. The conflict lasted from 1846 until 1848, with the United States emerging victorious.

War correspondents from Reuters were embarra.s.sed by what they felt was a naked land grab by a stronger nation. The United States easily added the land that became the states of California, Nevada, and Utah. Not quite satisfied, they went back to the all-you-can-take land buffet and got seconds in the form of parts of Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, and Wyoming. In an effort to show that the United States was fair and just, they wired $18 million dollars to the struggling Mexican government, which was about half what they had originally offered before they were forced into war by the unappreciative Mexicans.

As Jose arrived home, he pa.s.sed yet another American restaurant that had sprung up in the area. Burritos and refried beans, yee-haw! All of their food tasted the same, and it was funny how they seemed to all have the same menu items numbered exactly the same way. No matter where you went, a number four was always two tacos (one chicken, one beef) with a side of rice and beans. Jose just hoped the government was going to do something to sh.o.r.e up the borders, as these Americans were taking over.

18481855 THE CALIFORNIA GOLD RUSH.

Today, the American Dream consists of waking up with Paris and Britney..

Head West Young Man.

The California gold rush was a period of time where anyone with a little determination and luck could achieve the American Dream. Today, with the Chinese and the European Union running our economy, the American Dream consists of waking up naked in a bed with Paris and Britney.

It was in 1848 that James Marshall discovered the precious metal in Co-loma, California, that resulted in lottery-like riches for so many dreamers. AS RUMORS OF THE DISCOVERY SPREAD LIKE NEWS OF ANOTHER PALIN FAMILY TEEN PREGNANCY, MANY REMAINED SKEPTICAL. That is, until President James K. Polk confirmed the rumors on Hannity's America in December 1848, setting off a traffic jam on dirt roads headed west. As word spread of the many fortunes being made, people from all over the world flocked to California hoping to strike it rich. The pull of the gold rush was so strong it attracted fortune seekers from Europe, South America, Asia, and even Australia. The land wasn't owned by any particular person or government at the time, so any gold you found was yours to keep. The first wave of dreamers were called "'49ers" for the year they headed west. This ma.s.sive quest for bling brought Hannah Montana - size crowds, as approximately 300,000 were reported to make the journey to the west coast.

San Francisco was a virtually unknown town when all of this began. In the first two years alone, its population grew from around 1,000 souls to an estimated 25,000 heartless gold diggers. For some, the attraction was gold, for others it was the city's tolerance for man-on-man action. Smart entrepreneurs opened up businesses around the boom. Mining-supply stores, saloons, hotels, restaurants, wh.o.r.ehouses, and gambling halls all showed up, as every vice was equally represented.

This ma.s.sive influx of people led to the creation of here-today-gone-tomorrow mining towns. With all of the settlements and mining came disputes and the eventual creation of a set of rules to govern the area now known as California. In 1850, with all of its growth, California was admitted as the thirty-first state. Free from the cla.s.s structure that was in place on the east coast, these trailblazers acted like Panama City spring breakers on steroids. Along with this freedom, wealth, and underdeveloped government came opportunity.

What Happens Here, Stays Here.

As the rush continued, the gold began to disappear. As the gold dried up, miners continued to dream, working longer hours, filthy and unshowered for weeks at a time, taking on a resemblance to Jack Black. With the gold slowly disappearing from the area, hopeful miners turned to gambling, and if desperate enough, crime to help get by. It became harder and harder to find the golden shower they so desperately wanted. But the few who did hit the mother lode even into the 1850s kept the hopefuls arriving. This environment of a very few well-publicized lucky winners among a sea of losers became the basic business model for modern-day Las Vegas. THIS HOLDS TRUE FOR ALL VEGAS CASINOS EXCEPT FOR CAESARS' PALACE, WHERE, WHEN THE p.u.s.s.yCAT DOLLS ARRIVE, EVERYONE WINS.

Keep Dreaming.

Up until this time in American history, the American Dream was of hard work, slow and steady results, building savings, and growing your wealth to join the growing upper-middle cla.s.s. The gold rush of the 1850s changed all of that. Historian H. W. Brands noted, "The new dream was the dream of instant wealth, won in a twinkling by audacity and good luck. [This] golden dream ... became a prominent part of the American psyche only after [Sutter's Mill]." Other than the holy grail of a Paris-Britney threesome, today, the American Dream for many has been reduced to hitting the jackpot on a scratch-off lottery ticket while chugging malt liquor in the gas station parking lot.

1857 DRED SCOTT DECISION.

A financial no-brainer for white families that wanted to live a little bit of the good life.

Slave Labor for the Benefit of All Non-Slaves.

On March 4, 1857, as the new president, James Buchanan, took office, the issue of slavery was looming large across the United States. For decades, the fiscally irresponsible Northern states resisted slavery under the guise of human rights. Their argument was that their G.o.d was a loving G.o.d who created everyone equally. To the sadness of their bank accounts and shopaholic wives, they ignored the significant economic benefits that were a.s.sociated with owning slaves.

The economic benefit to owning slaves was never-ending, including amortizing the initial slave purchase over the course of several years to lower your taxes. Besides, using proven "encouragement techniques," a slave owner could have their whole farm ploughed and replanted for what it costs the Chinese to make a cast-iron matchbox car covered in lead paint. Slavery was a financial no-brainer for white families that wanted to live a little bit of the good life. With the failure of the North to recognize the wisdom of slavery, a constant battle between the Northerners and the "black labor is good but black slavery is better" Southerners played out daily around the country.

I'm in No Rush to Get Back to Work.

Citing the death of his master, army surgeon John Emerson, slave-turned-freedom-seeker Dred Scott decided to plead his case for liberty in front of the Missouri courts. Scott argued that he was actually a free citizen due to his fortuitous stays in Illinois and Wisconsin Territory, where slavery was barred under the Northwest Ordinance and the Missouri Compromise. Initially, his position was accepted by a lower St. Louis county court; however, on appeal, the Missouri State Supreme Court disagreed. The court ordered Scott, his wife, their kids, and the family dog, Liberty, back into the life of slavery. With the fight for freedom still raging and in no hurry to work in the fields for someone else's benefit, perpetual slacker Scott appealed the decision to the United States Supreme Court.

The Fix Was In.

At the time, the Supreme Court was not a respected judicial inst.i.tution that citizens, slaves, and Indians could look to for unbiased decisions rooted in legal fact. It was much like it is today, a mechanism for legislating from the bench, where justices' decisions are based on the political wishes of the party that put them into their cozy lifetime appointment. Much like the modern-day Supreme Court's ruling in favor of recovering alcoholic and great executioner George W. Bush in the 2000 presidential election, Scott's decision broke down along party lines. On March 6, 1857, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled against Dred Scott and his bid for freedom. UNFORTUNATELY FOR SCOTT, THIS FIGHT WAS FIXED, AND DON KING WASN'T EVEN INVOLVED.

Dismissed with Extreme Prejudice.

Writing for the majority, eighty-year-old former slave owner turned Chief Justice Roger Taney ruled that blacks were not citizens and therefore Scott and his kind had no rights to pet.i.tion the court for anything from Pop Tarts to freedom. He concluded that blacks "are so inferior that they had no rights which a white man was bound to respect." Feeling his prejudicial juices flowing, Taney trumped the whole "blacks are not citizens" play with a "blacks are so not citizens they are actually property" play. This meant that the owning of blacks was protected by the Fifth Amendment, no matter what state you lived in, thereby putting Dred and his dog Liberty on equal footing.

The fallout of Taney's ruling was that all legislative compromises were now off the table. The Supreme Court had ruled that blacks were property, not citizens, and white people could own 'em, breed 'em, and beat 'em. The only way the Northern states could prove that with a little sunscreen white and black skins were created equal in the mind of their G.o.d, was to get that written into the Const.i.tution. Unfortunately, the South didn't just disagree, they strongly disagreed, and it ultimately required the death of 600,000 Americans to twist their arms to begrudgingly see the light. Following the North's Civil War victory, this change was put into the Const.i.tution, and Liberty was demoted on the family totem pole.

18611865 THE CIVIL WAR.

Different from "marital compromise," this one didn't involve going without s.e.x for long periods of time.

The War That Pitted Brother vs. Brother - about the Bruthas.

Eighty-five years after the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, all h.e.l.l broke loose. The Union consisted of thirty-four states that were deeply divided. The central issue that threw the country into civil war was whether oral activities met the definition of s.e.x in the new Union, and to a lesser degree, the issue of slavery.

The Southern states argued that slavery was a necessary ingredient to sustain the profitability of their many farming communities. Really, how can anyone expect you to pay a fair wage and still give your white wife and kids the lifestyle they deserve? No need getting your hands dirty working in the fields when G.o.d made you white. He had options when you were born and obviously felt you were qualified to manage a staff of black slaves.

On the other hand, the more economically advanced economy of the North wanted no part of slavery. Northerners had adopted the philosophy of all men being created equal. Yes men; women were way behind the equality curve at this time. THE EXCEPTIONS WERE MEN FROM NEW YORK AND BOSTON, WHERE EVEN TODAY THEY CONTINUE TO ARGUE THEIR SUPERIORITY.

Unfortunately for the South, the sixteenth president of the United States was Abraham Lincoln, from Illinois. Lincoln, whose mug shot you can now find on the penny, was philosophically against the concept of slavery for the United States and had designs to emanc.i.p.ate his brothers from another mother. These divisions in philosophy, economic policy, and definitions of s.e.x laid the groundwork for the deadliest battle in American history.

The Civil War Begins.

Prior to bullets flying in 1861, the government attempted to defuse the conflict over slavery throughout the Union by allowing each incoming state to vote on whether to operate as a slave state, a free state, or as a Michael Jackson-influenced State of Shock. This half-a.s.sed attempt to encourage peace was known as the Compromise of 1850. Different from "marital compromise," this one didn't involve going without s.e.x for long periods of time or scheduling erections for Tuesdays and Sat.u.r.days only. By not mandating a federal position on slavery and allowing each state to vote individually on whether it would act as a slave state or a free state, it was reasoned that each state would be content, and future issues would be eased. The reality was that Lincoln was buying time, waiting for his new recruits to graduate from his "Free the Black Man" military camps.

With tensions boiling, South Carolina reacted to Lincoln's objections to slavery by announcing its intent to secede from the Union. Quickly Mississippi, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas followed suit. The "New South" was named the Confederacy. Jefferson Davis was named the president of the Confederacy and thereby automatically elevated to sacred status for generations of Southern kids who like to play with bed sheets, crosses, and fire.

On April 12, 1861, Davis's troops fired the first shots in Fort Sumter, South Carolina. Immediately, Arkansas, North Carolina, Virginia, and Tennessee joined the Confederacy, and the war was on! With an immense amount of pa.s.sion for Jack Daniels, NASCAR, and chewing tobacco, the Confederacy took a significant advantage at the start of the war. The South used its veteran leadership to score victories at the Battle of Bull Run, the Second Battle of Bull Run, Fredericksburg, and Chancellorsville, but LIKE AN EIGHTY-YEAR-OLD IN THE SACK, THE SOUTH JUST COULDN'T QUITE FINISH OFF WHAT THEY HAD STARTED.

Gettysburg, Where's That?

On July 1, 1863, Lee invaded Pennsylvania. Before coming into contact with Northern soldiers, Lee let his men overrun some Amish settlements as a confidence-builder. With the Amish vanquished, the Southern troops marched on. Northern forces met General Lee and his men for a battle at the now-famous Pennsylvania town of Gettysburg. Gettysburg was pivotal to the outcome of the war, as it was speculated that if the North had lost at Gettysburg, it would have negotiated a compromise allowing the Southern states to form their own separate country.

At the time, the British were making plans to jump into the war and a.s.sist the South, but being the frontrunners they are, they canceled those plans after the South's defeat at Gettysburg. The French also considered a similar strategy, but ran scared after reports of the beating the South endured at Gettysburg. Instead the French sent Le Coq Sportif gear and replica Eiffel towers to inspire the Southern boys. Is it any wonder why so many people hate the French?

The South Surrenders, Reconstruction Begins.

On April 2, 1865, the Southern capital of Richmond fell to General Grant. One week later, with a new fondness and appreciation for the black man, General Lee surrendered to General Grant at the Appomattox Court House. This action effectively ended the Civil War. All told, more than 600,000 Americans died during the War Between the States, by far the deadliest war in American history. Following the end of the war there was only one thing to do: rebuild.

In President Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address, he promised to "bind the nation's wounds." His philosophy was to restore the Union fully, and bear no grudge toward the Southern states. However, Lincoln never got a chance to heal the wounds of the young nation. Former Confederate and "oral is s.e.x" supporter John Wilkes Booth a.s.sa.s.sinated him on April 14, 1865.

If you are unsure of which side you would have joined had you been alive during the Civil War, or if you are from one of those pesky border states, we have compiled a self-scoring exam to help you determine if you belong on the side of the North or the South. If you correctly score yourself on this page, you are ready to go ahead and attempt to score with others.

TRUE OR FALSE:.

I truly believe the South won the Civil War, and will rise again.

I think prisons are built as affordable housing for black men.

I'm friends with a black guy who makes more money than I do and I'm okay with it.

Men only: I often wear overalls without a shirt underneath.

I know where to buy fitted white bed sheets with holes in them for my arms.

My ancestors and I consider other human beings who differed from us in any way to be property.

I think Rodney King got what he deserved.

I think Ron Goldman's wounds were self-inflicted.

The black women I would consider having a relationship with extends beyond Halle Berry.