The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 4

The good news is that you are just one cog in the wheel of 330 million. This means that your contributions to the goals of the country are pretty insignificant. As a result, several occupations have written their own profession-specific preambles because it is much more likely that you can have an impact on the success of your employer than the success of the country.

Here is a sampling of how a handful of professions help to keep their workforce on track.

Garbage Men.

We the garbage men, in order to keep America clean, establish an orderly kitchen, and pick up, curbside, the c.r.a.p you don't want, promise to do this to promote the general safety and welfare of America, and promise to do so for a minimum amount of money so as to not place an unfair burden upon Americans.

Strippers.

We the strippers of America, in order to keep stress on any male-female union, establish a penalty-free environment for men to treat us as objects and give a high-friction lap dance to help promote our own prosperity.

Lawyers.

We the lawyers, in order to form a less perfect union, promote our financial welfare above all else, and secure the blessings of wealth by charging obnoxious fees, do promise to slow down and complicate each and every transaction possible.

Politicians.

We the politicians, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for our re-election defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of lobbyists for ourselves and our posterity by taking bribes and/or campaign contributions, do hereby promise to spend every waking moment to make our Union perfect by a.s.suring our re-election above all other goals and ideals.

Professional Athletes.

We the athletes, in order to form a more perfect sports world, establish wealth, ensure our own domestic tranquility, and provide for our s.e.xual welfare, hereby promise to only have one girlfriend in each city, never take our wives on road trips, and strive to wear protection more than 50 percent of the time when having extramarital relations.

1787 THE THREE-FIFTHS COMPROMISE.

We bought 'em, we own 'em, we count'em.

Who's Bad?

The Philadelphia convention of 1787 set the stage for one of the great debates in American history. The two major questions that needed to be answered were whether or not before his death the King of Pop Michael Jackson had intentionally turned his skin pigmentation white in an effort to show his respect for the equally dead King of Rock 'n Roll Elvis Presley, and whether or not a person who has been purchased from a slave trader and given a lifetime of employment opportunity in one of the Southern states should be counted as a person.

Dirty Diana South.

For Southern slave owners, the first question was easy. It was obvious that Michael's black to white transformation was the result of careful cosmetic engineering motivated by his desire to thank Elvis for breaking down some of the racial biases that existed in the music industry before the draft dodging former Mississippian broke them down. The second question was a little more challenging. Slave owners all over the South were asking themselves, "If that slave I beat and whose wife I took home gains his freedom, what the h.e.l.l will he do to me?"

It's Just the Way You Make Me Feel.

For Northerners, Jackson's skin color getting whiter all the time had nothing to do with him being appreciative. It was clearly the result of a chronic autoimmune disorder called vitiligo where the body's own immune cells a.s.sault the skin's pigment resulting in a lighter more Justin Timberlake look. As for whether or not black people who were confined to a lifetime of servitude were in fact people, that was an easy one for Northerners. It was obvious that a slave was not a real person and should be counted as property not a person.

It Does Matter If You're Black or White.

This divide in slave-counting philosophy became important in 1787 when the "we bought 'em, we own 'em, we count 'em" Southern states and the "we are above owning slaves" Northern states got together in Philadelphia to hammer out the makings of a Const.i.tution. AFTER A FEW ROUNDS OF DRINKS AT A LOCAL KARAOKE BAR, IT WAS AGREED THAT CONGRESS WOULD BE DIVIDED INTO TWO HOUSES. An upper house that called for equal representation for each state and a lower house that called for proportional representation for each state. As proportional representation was agreed to, it became necessary for each state's residents to be counted in order to determine how many congressmen would be eligible to represent their state in the lower house.

The balance of power in Washington came down to the question how should slaves be counted? The slave-free states argued that only free citizens should count when determining representation. They knew that for years Southerners had become great customers of African slave brokers. And whether or not the slaves all looked the same, the Northerners knew there were tremendous numbers of them. If every slave was counted, it was obvious to the Northerners that the slave-loving South would run Washington.

Conversely, white Southerners knew how difficult it was to keep angry black men in line. They were not ready for this free-labor system to stop. THEY WERE PROUD OF THEIR ABILITY TO GROW THEIR SLAVE OWNERSHIP DESPITE THE LACK OF TAX BENEFITS FOR DOING SO. THEY FELT ENt.i.tLED TO BE REWARDED FOR THEIR HARD WORK AS SLAVE OWNERS. With the Const.i.tution hanging in the balance and the need for compromise more important than ever, the Northern states and Southern states agreed to a formula that would count each black slave as three-fifths of a person. It was reasoned that this would allow the Southern states to be compensated for their years of raising and training black slaves, but not to the point that it would be impossible for the Northern states to find equal representation in the new Congress.

As for Michael, the North and the South agreed to disagree on why he lightened up instead agreeing that WHETHER IT WAS THROUGH COSMETIC BLEACHING OR VITILIGO, THE KING OF POP DIED THREE-FIFTHS BLACK.

1789 GEORGE WASHINGTON ELECTED FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

The first in a near-perfect line of white presidents.

A Cavalier Att.i.tude.

Benefiting from his parents' dislike for public education, George Washington enjoyed the rigors of his at-home-only education. Free from the restraints of an enormously underfunded public school system, young George took his home-schooled education with him when he joined the Virginia Militia days after hitting p.u.b.erty, earning the distinction of lieutenant colonel at the My s.p.a.ce-obsessed age of sixteen.

He Was Possibly Surveying Your Wife.

In addition to being an enthusiastic killing machine, Washington moonlighted as a surveyor, measuring and plotting the earth's surface. He could tell you where your yard ends and your neighbor's yard begins, and whether it was okay to ignore the imaginary boundary of physical property and enjoy an affair with the wife next door.

ALTHOUGH IT WASN'T HIS NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, GEORGE DID ENJOY SOME EXTRACURRICULAR s.e.x AND FRUITY DRINKS WITH BIG-HAIRED JERSEY GIRL MARY GIBBONS. Despite Gibbons's best effort to satisfy George's Ron Jeremy - like appet.i.te for off-the-charts action, rumors quickly spread of George's illicit parties with slave girls at his Mount Vernon home. Washington capitalized on these rumors by garnering the support needed to be appointed adjunct general of the Virginia Militia in 1752.

French and Indian War Involvement: Ridding the Colonies of Frenchies.

In 1753 George had the honor of delivering a message from the British to the French while holding wine tastings in the Ohio Valley: Get the f.u.c.k out. The French ignored Washington, and actually captured George in a skirmish at Fort Necessity. He was released, and later he returned with British General Braddock in 1755 to successfully kick the French out. Tired of a soldier's life, Washington turned his back on public service and retired to his Mount Vernon estate, where he satisfied his need for "strange" by marrying a serviceable widow named Martha Dandridge Custis. Following the honeymoon, George went into semiretirement for several years, farming and partying with the woman that he held the t.i.tle to at his Mount Vernon home.

Next Up: Kicking the British Out.

George took an active interest in the feud between the colonists and the British. As tensions escalated, George, ever the public servant, was sucked back into action. He left the cushy retired life and attended the meeting of the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia as a delegate from Virginia in 1775. There he was elected the commander in chief of the ragtag Continental army. After approximately six years of cat and mouse, the British tired, and Washington accepted British surrender from General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781. Washington re-retired, or so he thought, to Mount Vernon.

From Shuffleboard to the White House.

After years of successful military leadership culminating in the surrender of the crotchety old General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781, Washington was enjoying a re-kindling of marital flames with Martha, however, his inability to walk away from the young nation's problems led him to the Const.i.tutional Convention in Philadelphia in 1787 and ultimately back into service for his country. George benefited from the idea that letting every citizen have a voice in their leadership would be time consuming, expensive and, unnecessary. The Electoral College did away with the messy counting of Americans' votes, and in 1789, Washington became the first president of the United States as a handful of representatives forced their will on the rest of the country. George had the distinct honor of being the first of a near-perfect line of white presidents in American history.

1789 THE BILL OF RIGHTS.

Dirty little doc.u.ment.

Not Just Another Bill.

With the const.i.tutional doc.u.ment already pa.s.sed, James Madison began his Billy Graham - like crusade to protect the individual rights of priests, strippers, drug dealers, thieves, and the common man. He proposed twelve const.i.tutional amendments (of which ten were pa.s.sed) during a congressional all-night cocaine binge in New York City on September 25, 1789. With angel dust all over the historic ma.n.u.script, Bill O'Reilly of Fox News reported that the dirty little doc.u.ment was sure to be the most litigated legislation in American history. The signing of the Bill of Rights effectively provided for the following guarantees: FIRST AMENDMENT. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to a.s.semble, and to pet.i.tion the Government for a redress of grievances.

The first amendment protects crazy Pentecostal Church of G.o.d attendees, allowing them to handle deadly snakes and drink rattlesnake venom during service while at the same time allowing the National Enquirer to report on political commentator d.i.c.k Morris's fetish for sucking the toes of prost.i.tutes.

SECOND AMENDMENT. A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

This little beauty protects the rights of gangsters and rednecks to own truckloads of pistols, AK-47s, hand grenades, and atomic bombs.

THIRD AMENDMENT. No Soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner prescribed by law.

This amendment prohibits the men serving in our military to sleep with another man's wife without his consent.

FOURTH AMENDMENT. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

This amendment makes it much more difficult for police officers to search the trunk of Snoop Dogg's car just because he is black and looks high.