The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 13

Allies at the conclusion of World War II, the United States and the USSR turned enemies as they disagreed on how to put the world back together again. Their different government philosophies made things extremely difficult. Like two giants entangled in a ma.s.sive game of "1-2-3-4, I declare a thumb war," these two nations fought indirectly for the better part of four decades.

The Korean War, Vietnam War, and the Soviet-Afghan crisis were all wars in which the United States and the Soviets did battle without having an all out Hearns/Sugar Ray throw-down. Terms of endearment like "mutual a.s.sured destruction" prevented the two foes from pushing the big red b.u.t.ton, launching nukes at each other, and throwing the world into nuclear chaos.

From the jump, the Soviets pushed for international supremacy. They defended their right to spread communism globally despite its shortcomings, while at the same time attempting to intimidate the United States. In 1957, the Soviets shot a little fear into the American mindset when they launched the first intercontinental ballistic missile and, later that same year, sent the first satellite, named Sputnik, into orbit. Four years later, in 1961, Mother Russia demanded the withdrawal of all Allied troops from Berlin, Germany. When they received a polite, yet firm "no," they created scores of day-labor jobs by building a "keep the people in" wall.

As the arms race continued, a game of chicken ensued. Both superpowers stockpiled enough nukes to blow up our planet, Venus, Mercury, and our planet again. In 1962, the Cuban Missile Crisis brought the two nations to the brink of war. Finally, cooler heads prevailed, as neither nation wanted to bring nuclear winter to the world. Tension eased slightly, and the world breathed a sigh of relief.

Siberian Rocky Road.

As the years dragged on like an unhappy s.e.xless marriage, the Soviet Union continued to spend gazillions of rubles on an a.r.s.enal of weapons designed to destroy the United States, to the detriment of their own people's standard of living. ONCE PRESIDENT REAGAN RAN OUT OF BIRTHMARK JOKES, SOVIET PRESIDENT MIKHAIL GORBACHEV AGREED TO AN ARMS REDUCTION BETWEEN THE TWO NATIONS. This reduction was followed by the Soviet Union embracing its own version of capitalism.

Unfortunately for Gorbachev, he learned that capitalism is no quick fix for a struggling economy. After years of experimenting with capitalism, the Russian people are now enjoying the good with the bad. For many, the best part of capitalism is their new-found choices in American ice cream.

1949 THE FORMATION OF NATO.

A "who's who" and a "who's not" of developed and developing countries.

Rhymes with Potato.

Some people think the NATO acronym stands for Nations America Tea Bags Often. However, a smaller, less-informed population refers to it as the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. Since 1949, this organization has operated as a military front, designed to encourage smaller, strategically located countries to willingly allow the United States and Britain access to their country's land bases and air s.p.a.ce in exchange for protection from the unpredictable and inherently aggressive Soviet/Russian government.

The group's membership reads like a "who's who" and a "who's not" of developed and developing countries. Countries on the roster include recognizable names like Canada, France, and Germany, along with many not-so-recognizable names like Estonia, Latvia, and Slovenia. For many Americans, it is the fact that Slovenia is contractually obligated to have our American back that allows them to sleep comfortably through the night.

The current group of twenty-six members has recently become more selective in their acceptance of new protection-seeking countries. It is believed that if the new guidelines were in place from the inception, countries with little to offer like Hungary, Iceland, and Luxembourg would currently be on the outside of the NATO window looking in.

Who's In Charge Here?

NATO defines itself as an organization that protects the freedom and security of its member countries by political and military means. This means that if a member country is feeling a little confrontational, they can confidently mouth off all they want, because if nonmember countries react aggressively toward them, it results in a series of American and British "shock and awe" retaliatory bombings. This cat-and-mouse game is popular within American military circles, as it allows U.S. forces to experiment with new and exciting toys of war on easily defeated opponents.

MUCH LIKE THE FORMULA TO c.o.kE CLa.s.sIC AND THE COLONEL'S SECRET CHICKEN RECIPE, THE NATO HIERARCHY IS A DEEP SECRET. It has often been suspected that either Bulgaria is at the top of the organizational chart, because of the chaotic nature in which the organization operates, or the United States is the top monkey pulling the strings, because of how often they get their own way. There is no real evidence to disprove either theory, and ongoing smart money seems to be drifting toward a third-party candidate with a lower profile, like Portugal or the Netherlands.

Getting a Little Action on the Side.

Over the last several years, NATO has expanded its role to mix in a little battlefield action inside countries that are not registered to the organization but still unable to defend themselves against atrocities occurring within its borders.

In March 1999, NATO enthusiastically jumped into the Kosovo conflict, ignoring Kosovo's lack of membership. For seventy-eight days, NATO combatants enjoyed their demonstration of superiority over the in-the-wrong Serbian forces. Prior to the Kosovo involvement, NATO touched it up with the Bosnian Serb Army back in the late summer of 1995 inside Bosnia and Herzegovina. It has been rumored that there was even a French soldier who partic.i.p.ated in the fighting before he concluded that war was beneath him and he surrendered to Serbian troops, requesting a bottle of vintage Merlot for his trouble.

Today NATO operates exactly as it was intended to. The American government gets to pick and choose which countries it would like to confront, while the rest of the membership falls in line behind them. If the West Point grads need a little mountain warfare training, the United States can influence NATO to up its involvement in Afghanistan. If snow and ice are desirable, one of the former Soviet republics off ers a suitable training ground for NATO involvement. Regardless of conflict or cause, the tightly knit group of NATO members will always have America's back, because they are contractually obligated to do so - except for the second Gulf War, as nearly every one of the twenty-six countries found a loophole allowing them to forgo their military support.

To further explore the inner workings of this international military alliance, let's take a look at the FAQs from NATO'S website and interpret their evasive answers: Q: What does NATO do?

A: The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) is an alliance of 26 countries from North America and Europe committed to fulfilling the goals of the North Atlantic Treaty signed on 4 April 1949. In accordance with the Treaty, the fundamental role of NATO is to safeguard the freedom and security of its member countries by political and military means. NATO is playing an increasingly important role in crisis management and peacekeeping.

Translation: NATO is a puppet organization of the United States. It currently exists to further U.S. interests in Western Europe. The United States wipes the other members' bottoms, and tucks them in at night as they suckle from our mostly prosperous capitalist teat. As the proverbial Mother Hen, the other member countries hide beneath our protective skirt when trouble comes.

Q: Does NATO have its own armed forces?

A: All member countries that partic.i.p.ate in the military aspect of the Alliance contribute forces and equipment, which together const.i.tute the integrated military structure of the Alliance. These forces and a.s.sets remain under national command and control until a time when they are required by NATO [for] a specific purpose (i.e. conflict or crisis, peacekeeping). NATO, however, does possess some common capabilities owned and operated by the Alliance, such as the AWACS early warning radar aircraft.

Translation: Twenty-four of the twenty-six member nations dress out some soldiers who look good in the NATO brochures. But they stay on the bench during game time. When trouble comes calling, the United States and Britain provide 99 percent of the military force. But to be fair, the organizational agenda is 99 percent provided by the United States and Britain.

Q: What are the conditions for joining NATO? Which countries are eligible?

A: NATO has an open door policy with regard to enlargement. Any European country in a position to further the principles of the Washington Treaty and contribute to security in the Euro-Atlantic area can become a member of the Alliance at the invitation of the North Atlantic Council.

Countries aspiring for NATO membership are also expected to meet certain political, economic and military goals in order to ensure that they will become contributors to Alliance security as well as beneficiaries of it.

NATO's Membership Action Plan (MAP) is designed to a.s.sist aspirant partner countries in their preparations by providing a framework which enables NATO to channel a.s.sistance and practical support to them on all aspects of NATO membership.

Translation: Any country willing to put its pride on hold and bend its will to the U.S. agenda is eligible. We will protect you if you do not publicly oppose our wild and undisciplined military adventures around the world.

Q: What is NATO's position on Iraq?

A: The campaign against Iraq in 2003 was conducted by a coalition of forces from different countries, some of which were NATO member countries and some were not. NATO as an organisation had no role in the campaign but undertook a number of measures in accordance with Article 4 of the North Atlantic Treaty, to ensure the security of one of its members, Turkey, in the event of a threat to it resulting from the war in Iraq. On 21 May 2003, the Alliance also agreed to support Poland, a member of NATO, in its leadership of a sector in the stabilization force in Iraq.

In August 2004, in response to a request by the Iraqi Interim Government, NATO established a Training Implementation Mission in Iraq. NATO is involved in training, equipping, and technical a.s.sistance - not combat. The aim of the Mission is to help Iraq build the capability of its Government to address the security needs of the Iraqi people.

Translation: Look, we smelled bulls.h.i.t from the start. The United States was on a wild goose chase to secure its oil interests. But we did as ordered, and did not publicly oppose them.

Q: What is NATO's role in the fight against terrorism?

A: On 12 September 2001, less than 24 hours after the terrorist attacks against the United States, NATO declared the attacks to be an attack against all the 19 NATO member countries within the terms of Article 5 of the North Atlantic Treaty.

This landmark decision was followed by practical measures aimed at a.s.sisting the United States in different fields, in relation to its campaign against terrorism.

Translation: We voted on Article 5 only after making sure we would not be required to do anything. Once we were given a.s.surances it was a symbolic gesture, we couldn't rock the vote fast enough.

Q: Is NATO involved in Afghanistan?

A: Yes. Through its leadership of the International Security a.s.sistance Force (ISAF), NATO is helping establish the conditions in which Afghanistan can enjoy a representative government and self-sustaining peace and security.

The Alliance took over command and coordination of ISAF in August 2003. Initially restricted to providing security in and around Kabul, NATO-led ISAF has gradually extended its reach and is now responsible for security across the whole country. This is the first mission outside the Euro-Atlantic area in NATO's history.

Translation: As usual, we sent a few Italians and Greeks over there to make it look good. If the United States would like to touch it up with another non-NATO country in the future we will be happy to green light their military mission.

Q: What is Russia's status - is it a partner country?

A: Yes. NATO and Russia made a reciprocal commitment to work together to build a stable, secure and undivided continent on the basis of partnership and common interest in 1997.

This commitment was strengthened in May 2002, with the establishment of the NATO-Russia Council, which brings together the 26 NATO Allies and Russia to identify and pursue opportunities for joint action at 27 as equal partners.

Translation: Of course, they are just playing along to see what our weaknesses are. They are about ten minutes from teaming up with j.a.pan and going on the offensive.

Q: What are the official languages of NATO?

A: The two official languages of NATO are English and French.

Translation: We had to throw the Frenchies a bone here. They are soooo high-maintenance.

Q: How much does NATO cost and who pays for it?

A: NATO is an intergovernmental organization to which member nations allocate the resources needed to enable it to function on a day-to-day basis. There are three budgets: one civil and two military. Each NATO member country pays an amount into the budgets based on an agreed cost-sharing formula. Taken together, these budgets represent less than half of one percent of the total defence budget expenditures of NATO countries.

Translation: Don't believe the hype. The United States picks up the tab. More recently, we switched from prime rib to corned beef hash at NATO functions.

Q: How do I apply for a job at NATO? Who can apply?

A: Nationals of NATO member countries may apply for all posts on NATO's international staff. Appointments to most posts are made on the basis of interview panels and written tests.

Translation: If you are related to a president or royalty you can probably score a cushy post that will look good on your resume while getting to backpack through Europe for a couple years.

19491954 MCCARTHYISM.

Anyone with a bottle of vodka and a same-s.e.x friend came under suspicion.

What's in a Name?.

There is no easy way to have your name referred to a specific act unless you truly earn it. It takes a commitment to perform an usual act that disturbs the public consciousness for your name to become a popular euphemism. For instance, if you "pull an O.J.," you killed your ex-wife and her Good Samaritan friend in a near decapitation-style murder following an unprovoked fit of rage. If you pull a Clinton, you got kinky with a cigar with an overweight intern. If you party like a Kennedy, you began drinking at 8 a.m., later driving your car off a cliff, drowning your lover, and then using your money and powerful friends to cover the whole thing up.

McCarthyism is the worst of all acts. Synonymous with promoting Communism, and generally not supporting the old U.S. of A., it has always been better to be a drunk, a murderer, or a lover of big women, than it is to be a proponent of Communist ideology here in America.

Red Scare Nation.

Before the Red Scare of the 1940s and '50s, the most significant Red Scare for men was the monthly problem of their wife's PMS. However, during the 1940s and '50s, the Red Scare referred to Americans' fear that Communist spies were infiltrating every American organization, including the Future Polygamists of San Antonio, a high school organization.

Popular thinking was that the long-term objective of proponents for a state-run government was to hold positions of power in important organizations and then overthrow the U.S. government. Those held at the highest levels of suspicion were government employees, those in the entertainment industry, educators, and union activists. CURRENTLY, HOLLYWOOD STARS SEAN PENN, SUSAN SARANDON, AND SHARON STONE ARE UNDER SUSPICION FOR BEHAVIOR THAT SEEMS SYMPATHETIC TO THE COMMUNIST MOVEMENT.

Red Dawn Wolverine!.

In the early 1950s, a State Department official and some scientists were caught and admitted to spying and stealing secrets for the ruble-spending Soviets. Panic about the Soviets' John Holmes-ish penetration into the United States reached Jonas Brothers - level hysteria.

Looking for a little attention, Joseph McCarthy put himself in the middle of the Red Scare during a speech in February 1950. During this speech, he stated he had a list of 205 State Department employees who were Communists, along with one in six who were also either h.o.m.os.e.xual, bis.e.xual, or bi-curious, yet still employed in the State Department shaping U.S. policy.

In 1947, the only thing worse than a gay was an aspiring gay Communist, so President Truman executed Executive Order 9835, allowing for a "loyalty review" of federal employees. If found lacking in heteros.e.xuality or loyalty, they were fired and branded as someone who was a flag-burning America hater. It got so bad that anyone with a bottle of vodka and a same-s.e.x friend in his house came under suspicion.

The Truman Show.

Seeking and destroying possible Communist embracers did not have the support of everyone in the government. In 1950, President Truman wrote, "In a free country, we punish men for the crimes they commit, but never for the opinions they have." Later, after leaving office, he criticized the Eisenhower administration, stating, "It is now evident that the present Administration has fully embraced, for political advantage, McCarthyism. I am not referring to the Senator from Wisconsin. He is only important in that his name has taken on the dictionary meaning of the word." THOSE IN WISCONSIN FELT IF MC CARTHY TRULY REPRESENTED THEM, MCCARTHYISM WOULD INVOLVE WEARING A CHEESE TRIANGLE ON YOUR HEAD WHILE COMPLETELY HAMMERED.