The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 11

Change of Position.

Beginning in 1848, social reform hopefuls Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia Mott got out in front of women's quest for a devalued vote. It all started in 1840 when Mott and other women were denied being seated at the World Anti-Slavery Convention in London. During this freedom reigns conference Mott met the more radical Stanton, who in addition to liberating slaves, had hopes of freeing turtles from their sh.e.l.ls, and tea from the oppressive pot.

Mott and Stanton became fast friends. Once they began talking, they decided there was a laundry list of rights women should fight for. In addition to the right to vote, the dynamic duo also decided to fight for tampons in women's restrooms, sports jerseys to come in pink, and Vietnamese-owned nail salons in every strip plaza. Just as momentum seemed to be building, the Civil War came along to distract attention away from women's voting rights. Women and blacks shared the distinction of being equally unimportant when it came to selecting the president of the United States. But the pa.s.sing of the fourteenth and fifteenth amendments were about to have the same effect as if women's husbands around the country told them they did indeed look fat in that dress.

Women on Bottom.

Women were royally p.i.s.sed in 1868, not because it was their time of the month, but at the ratification of the Fourteenth Amendment because it defined "citizenship" and "voters" as "male," and raised the question as to whether women were considered citizens of the United States at all. Then the insulting Fifteenth Amendment came along and gave black men the right to vote. The black man had successfully leapfrogged women on the rights ladder. Tempers flared among women's rights groups, and incidents of burning bras and hairy legs began to rise at an alarming rate.

The Holy Grail.

After years of nagging, whining, foot stomping, and withholding of s.e.xual favors, women got the right to vote as both houses of Congress pa.s.sed the Nineteenth Amendment, and in 1920 it became ratified under the presidency of Woodrow Wilson. MANY s.e.xIEST MEN FELT THE Pa.s.sAGE OF THE NINETEENTH AMENDMENT WAS LIKE GIVING THE CAR KEYS TO A DRUNKEN MONKEY. Unfortunately, for the many women who decided to vote, they soon realized that even with the right to vote, super-delegates and the Electoral College still guaranteed that men would continue to get the final say on the issue of who is elected as president.

19211933 PROHIBITION.

Amendments are like blackjack.

Volstead, You Are Not My Daddy.

It is likely Minnesota Republican congressman Andrew Volstead's heart was in the right place when he was leading the charge for the National Prohibition Act, just not his head. The "n.o.ble Experiment," as the Eighteenth Amendment is called, was a complete disaster - on a par with the time you suggested a threesome to your girlfriend and her best friend.

The reasons cited for enacting the Prohibition Law were to reduce crime, corruption, and poverty; solve social and morality problems; and improve the general health and hygiene of Americans. Alcohol was being blamed for everything from bad breath to violent crime. With a const.i.tutional amendment, Volstead and his fellow legislators made it illegal to transport, sell, manufacture and most importantly consume alcoholic beverages.

On October 10, 1919, with a vote of 32170, Congress put the wheels in motion for the complete prohibition of alcohol beginning January 16, 1920. THE GOVERNMENT TELLING AMERICANS THEY CANNOT DRINK ALCOHOL IS LIKE A PARENT TELLING A KID HE CAN'T HAVE A TELEVISION IN THEIR ROOM. If the kid really wants a television they are going to whine, cry, and break the rules if needed to get it. So it was with adults in 1920 who wanted to have an alcoholic beverage; they were going to find a way to have it.

The January 15 Binge.

With the complete elimination of legal consumption of alcohol the following day, you would think most Americans who enjoyed an intoxicating beverage would go on a wild drink-till-you-throw-up binger the night before. Although many people symbolically partic.i.p.ated in "one last night" of drinking, the reality is most people just made plans to find alternatives for acquiring their alcohol.

With the convenience of buying alcohol gone but the urge for a drink remaining equal to pre - Eighteenth Amendment levels, Americans were forced to become much more creative in how they caught their next buzz. People with excess capital in their wallets were surprised at how well they got along with the underworld. Organized crime was relentless in their efforts to make sure that Americans who wanted to drink, and could afford to drink, could find a drink.

In fact, speakeasies became all the rage for those who could afford it.

These private, members-only clubs where you could drink behind closed doors popped up everywhere. By some counts there were over 100,000 speakeasies in New York City alone. On the other hand, those who found their personal resources inadequate began creating their own home brews. They tinkered until they had some awful-tasting concoction that gave them a cheap buzz in their bas.e.m.e.nt.

Drinking Can Kill You!

The good news for those who could afford to buy a drink from organized crime was that it was easily accessible. The bad news was they could get caught up in a gunfight buying it. The bootlegging industry was huge, and guys like Al Capone were enjoying the riches of supplying alcohol to the common man. Unfortunately, these high profits caused bootlegging turf wars. There were, on average, 400 murders a year related to the production and sale of alcohol in Chicago alone. Buying liquor became more than just a contact sport; it became a game of Survivor.

Now those who could not afford to buy booze from gangsters were not safe either. They may not share the same risk as being caught in the crossfire of rival gangs when obtaining their booze that their wealthier counterparts did. No, the risk for the poor was in home-brewed moonshine. Deaths from poisoned liquor grew from 1,064 in 1920 to 4,154 in 1925. At a glance, it is easy to reason that anytime the death rate goes up 400 percent it is never a good thing.

Twenty-One Is Better Than Eighteen.

The primary reason Prohibition was a failure was lack of financial support by the federal government. Without the proper funding, enforcement became impossible. It took thirteen years of putting Americans in the awkward position of breaking the law every time they took a sip of booze before the Const.i.tution was amended a second time with respect to alcohol.

The Eighteenth Amendment did little to improve the quality of life of Americans, and the government suffered from not being able to tax revenue a.s.sociated with the production and distribution of alcohol. As a result, on December 5, 1933, just like all the parents around the country who gave in and got their kid a 46-inch wall mounted flat screen television with HBO for their bedroom, the U.S. government voted in the Twenty-first Amendment, which effectively wiped out the eighteenth, and made producing, transporting, and consuming alcoholic beverages legal again. For most Americans, the amendments are like blackjack, and twenty-one is always better than eighteen.

Thankfully alcohol and the understanding of its pleasures extend outside of working America. Today Capitol Hill is full of legislators who enjoy downing a c.o.c.ktail or two. For some, it is enough to have a gla.s.s of Merlot after "a health care for kids!" snubbing vote. For others, a mind-bending drink-till-you-can't-see binger helps to hide the shame of keeping sick kids from capable doctors. Unfortunately, what Barack Obama becoming the first blackish president of the United States proves is that anything really is possible.

With this in mind, ask yourself what would happen if the same religious zealots that have managed to get alcohol sales restricted on Sundays in some areas found their own Obama and he or she managed to pa.s.s a const.i.tutional amendment forbidding the sale and consumption of alcohol, circa today? What would be the top ten drinking experiences that Americans would miss most? Here is our best guess.

Fridays. Maybe you skipped cla.s.s after you shacked up with a less-than-attractive girl Thursday night, resulting in a head-down, hat-on walk of shame to get home. Or as rumors fly around the office all week about possible layoffs, you get called into your boss's office at 4:55 P.M. Friday afternoon and he tells you that as of Monday you are no longer welcome to visit the property and provides you with directions to the area's unemployment office. Not deterred, as you walk out the door for the final time, you ask the receptionist if she is interested in getting blotto and doing something (that would be you) she will undoubtedly regret later.

Recommended Beverage: Cold, cold beer.

Tailgating. What better way to rev up for the big game? For the most part, tailgating consists of overweight fans downing combo platters of wings, nachos, and brats. A special note to Anderson Cooper of CNN: if you tailgate in Austin, Texas, and get lucky, you may see Matthew McConaughey shirtless.

Recommended Beverage: Cold Beer.

Your 21st Birthday. Your so-called buddies pour various shots down your throat until you puke, pa.s.s out, or become a triathlete. What could be better?

Recommended Beverage: Keep switching between various liquors and beers, with a final flaming sambuca shot to get the bile going north.

New Year's Eve. Even though it is amateur night, the overcrowded bar scene should increase the numerator of how many people are out to get laid that night. With the alcohol flowing, it is probably your best chance of the year to find noncommittal recreational s.e.x.

Recommended Beverage: Long Island Iced Tea. After four or five of these, most members of the opposite s.e.x will look tongue-worthy at midnight.

College Graduation. You just skated your way through a somewhat reputable four-year university, piling up enormous amounts of student loans. With scores of life experiences and a piece of paper to take with you, you realize that the likelihood of ever climbing out of debt is slim to none. Realizing that you are in for a lifetime of hara.s.sing phone calls from the collection agency that your student loan company will eventually turn your account over to, you are in the mood to celebrate.

Recommended Beverage: Bourbon and water, topped off with a few beers to finish off the evening.

Happy Hour. It's five o'clock somewhere! Round up the office posse and head to the nearby watering hole for some drinks, bad karaoke, and even worse dancing.

Recommended Beverage: Margaritas.

Office Party. Where else can you get together a bunch of people with repressed feelings, both positive and negative, add liberal amounts of alcohol, and watch the drama unfold firsthand? Inappropriate hook-ups, office affairs revealed, slighted employees going off on their boss - nothing is better or more unpredictable. Not to mention the palpable level of discomfort on Monday.

Recommended Beverage: Rum Punch and Spiked Eggnog.

Weddings. The happy couple mockingly laughs at the country's 52 percent divorce rate - it won't happen to them. Not tonight at least! Whether you have known your date for five years or five minutes, it helps to have some liquid courage.

Recommended Beverage: Pure grain alcohol if you can find it. If not, fill a flask with something that has plenty of kick.

Bachelor Party. You're sending one of your buddies off into the married world. They have found that magical someone. This alleged love of their life is someone they are willing to devote themselves to and potentially even procreate with. You superimpose an image of the couple's DNA together in your mind and wince. It's going to be a long, strange, trip.

Recommended Beverage: Appletinis. Just kidding, unless you attended the University of Virginia. Go with top-shelf gin and tonics.

Drinking in Vegas. Even though you have to watch a handful of idiots get real loud every time they announce to the whole bar that they are doing another Jager-bomb, it is still the best place to get your drink on. What else are you to do when you are trading bad jokes with your friends while losing your shirt at the blackjack table? Pound an alcohol-free ginger ale when the dealer pulls out a 5 with 16 up? Not a chance. Liquid stupidity is part of the Vegas experience.

Recommended Beverage: Crown and c.o.ke, mixed in with some beers to keep the twenty-four-hour buzz going.

1925 THE SCOPES MONKEY TRIAL.

A Matlock-esque flare for the dramatic.

The Blame Game.

By the mid 1920s, people all around the United States were looking for someone to blame. With millions of alcohol-loving humans suffering through the difficulties of prohibition, questions were being asked about who was ultimately responsible for the severely flawed and newly sober human race living within the borders of the continental United States. The question was kindly answered by a Tennessee court when an attention-seeking high school teacher ignored a state law that forbade the teaching of any other theory of human creation than the one that states that G.o.d created man.

The Butler Did It.

In 1925, Tennessee pa.s.sed the Butler Act, which prohibited teachers in the Tennessee school system from teaching any theory of man's creation other than the one put forth in the Bible. The American Civil Liberties Union decided to get involved and set up a test case in which they would handle the defense for the guinea pig.

John "Darwin" Scopes, friend of the ape, politely raised his hand and volunteered for the job. At the behest of the ACLU, Scopes ignored the Butler Act and lectured his students that man was not created in the image of the glorious one but rather developed over time through genetic upgrades, culminating in the monkey-to-man transition.

Monkey Business.

Following a Rolling Stones concert on May 5, 1925, Scopes was taken into police custody for talking too much monkey in the cla.s.sroom. With his freedom on the line and fearing that the state penitentiary was full of angry, s.e.xually suppressed men, Scopes declined to be represented by the inadequately trained and incompetent Public Defender's Office, instead electing to put his freedom in the hands of Clarence Darrow. Darrow was a noted legal scholar with a Matlock-esque flare for the dramatic. Using the moniker of the "trial of the century" as a tease, the media covered the trial gavel-to-gavel. TO COVER THE COURTROOM CIRCUS, FOX NEWS SENT A PRE-FACELIFT GRETA VAN SUSTEREN, THE DAILY SHOW SENT JOHN OLIVER, AND NANCY GRACE OF CNN JUST SCREAMED INCESSANTLY ABOUT SCOPES'S GUILT. The prosecution set out to prove that Scopes hated G.o.d, G.o.d's only son, the Holy Spirit, and even the Victoria Secret Angels. On the other hand, Darrow argued that a strict interpretation of the Bible was impossible, as much of what the Bible contains is someone's interpretation.

Son of a Preacher Man.

The judge in the case, a forefather of Lance Ito, had a constant fire in his eyes and brimstone-scented cologne on his neck. He did everything short of a change of venue to the nearest church to aid the prosecution. He chose to neglect defense arguments in favor of evolution and limited their witnesses, making it nearly impossible for the defense to convert the already guilty-leaning jury.

With strict jury instructions handed down from the judge, the jury inconvenienced themselves for an additional nine minutes to reach a decision that Scopes was guilty. Once the verdict was announced the judge quickly ordered Scopes to pay an exorbitant fine of $100. THE VERDICT WAS LATER APPEALED, AND THE BUTLER ACT REMOVED, ALLOWING SCHOOL TEACHERS TO TALK AS MUCH MONKEY IN THE CLa.s.sROOM AS THEY WANT.

19291944 THE GREAT DEPRESSION.

A Sarah Palin-at-Neiman-Marcus-like spending spree.