The Shadows Of Christmas Past Part 18

His hand slipped over her silky hair, but Cole didn't answer. There was no way to tell her how deep rage could go. How it could consume one and eat away every good thing until there was only nightmares and demons left in the world. Jase had to fight it the same way he did.

Maia watched him go before sinking down into the chair Jase had vacated, hands over her face, weeping for both of them. She cried for a long while, and, when they didn't return, she washed her face and went after them. It was instinct more than anything else that led her in the right direction. Before she reached the barn she could hear the rhythmic pounding of flesh against something solid.

"Jase!" Maia stopped in the doorway of the barn staring at him with horror. "What are you doing to yourself?"

Jase slammed his bloodied hands into the heavy bag repeatedly. "I hate him. He's taken everything from me.Everything !"

"Jase." There was a wealth of warning in Cole's voice.

Maia glanced at Cole, saw the misery and despair in his eyes as he crouched against the wall, watching his little brother rage at things neither of them could control.

"Stop it right this minute!" She used her most authoritative voice. It startled both men so that Jase dropped his arms to his sides and stood breathing heavily, small droplets of blood trickling down his knuckles to the floor. She moved into the barn, marched straight over to Jase, and took his hands in hers to prevent further action.

"He took your mother, and he took your childhood, Jase. You have a right to be angry about that," she said, turning his bloodied, swollen hands over to examine them much more closely. "But doing this to yourself is just plain stupid."

"Yeah, well you don't have a father who murdered and ran drugs and abused animals and every other thing he could get his hands on," Jase snapped, s.n.a.t.c.hing his hands away. "He didn't beat you and brand you and humiliate you, and he didn't kill your mother."

Cole stood up, a flow of strength and power, instantly protective of Maia.

She didn't look at him as she stepped closer to them. "Jase," she kept her voice low and even. "You persist in thinking Brett Steele was normal. He was ill. I don't know if something made him that way, or whether he just deteriorated into his sickness. Power can corrupt. He was a genius. You both know that, and you inherited his brains and his strengths. He wasn't all bad. There were good traits in him. He can only destroy your life if you let him."

"What if I'm like him? I could be like him," Jase said.

Of course he would have the same fears as Cole. She glanced at the older man, and he immediately put his hand on Jase's shoulder.

"I thought the same thing, Jase," Cole admitted. "About me, about you. h.e.l.l, we share the same genetics.

But you're nothing like him, even less so than I am. Look how good you are with animals. And you hit the books instead of turning out to be the resident bad boy. I'd put your sanity and your character ahead of those of anyone I know."

"What he did is no reflection whatsoever on you as a human being, Jase. You have your own life and your own responsibility to live your life in the best way that you can. Of course your childhood will impact your adult life, but you're aware of it and can take steps to counter any demons that arise. You're strong and you're smart and you can handle anything that comes your way."

Jase shook his head, tears glittering in his eyes, spilling over to run down his cheeks. His chest heaved, and his shoulders shook. "I don't think I can ever be okay again, Maia."

She garnered him into her arms, pressing his face into her shoulder while she held him. The teenager sobbed as if his heart was breaking. She looked desperately up at Cole.

Cole swept his arms around both of them. "We're going to make it, Jase," he rea.s.sured, rubbing the boy's neck, crowding dose so Jase would feel his determination and strength. "We're going to be all right together."

chapter 14.

"It's midnight, officially Christmas," Maia announced. She rubbed the top of Jase's head as she set a tall gla.s.s of cider on the coffee table in front of him. "Merry Christmas."

Jase was much calmer, sitting in the living room and staring at the tall tree. His mother's ornaments adorned the tree, and he stared at the alligator. Maia twisted the tail and watched the jaws open and close around a strand of popcorn. She was rewarded with a faint smile from Jase.

"When do we get to open gifts?" he asked. His voice was gruff, husky with leftover tears, but he had his emotions back under control.

"Usually Christmas morning," Maia answered, curling up on the couch beside Cole. "Although some people open them on Christmas Eve." She leaned over to check the ice packs she'd placed on his hands.

"Keep those there. It's a wonder you didn't break all your bones."

"I can't exactly drink my cider if I've got this stuff wrapped around my hands," Jase pointed out. There was a flash of a smile in the look he exchanged with Cole.

"Then you can just stare at the cider," Maia said, "but you keep your hands in those wraps. You're lucky I didn't chase you around the house with a needle to give you a teta.n.u.s shot at the very least."

"You did," Jase reminded her. "Cole had to save me. You threatened to numb my knuckles too or something equally scary." He looked at his older brother. "Do you do that a lot? Go undercover and have guns pointed at you?"

"Yes." Cole refused to lie or gloss over his job to Jase.

"Have you ever been shot?"

"Twice, and I was stabbed a couple of times. Just like when Maia works with the animals, she has to watch herself, never forget even for a moment what she's doing; my job is the same. I can never get careless."

"How did you get all those agents here?"

"It wasn't easy. I couldn't go to the local police because I didn't know who was dirty or who could be trusted. I called my boss, and we set the trap fast."

"You took a big risk," Maia said. Cole had been away from them for the four hours he'd indicated he would be, and the agents had spent several more hours trying to get the prisoners and the shipment of drugs off the ranch. The storm had moved in slowly, and with Al and Cole working together, they'd finally managed to get everyone out safely. Maia had spent hours wanting to be alone with Cole, needing to touch him, to rea.s.sure herself that he was unharmed, but then Jase had broken down completely, and they had spent the remainder of the time consoling him.

"The weather was closing in, and it worried me that Fred was getting anxious. I didn't want either of you caught in the middle. And remember, I didn't know whose side Al was on. I'm glad it was ours."

"Are you going to go away, Cole?" Jase finally voiced the question that was preying on his mind.

For the first time, Cole hesitated. Maia and Jase regarded him with wide, fearful eyes. Cole leaned over the table toward his brother, avoiding looking at Maia. "Jase, I want to tell you I'm always going to be here, but that would be a lie. I have to work sometimes. I won't be working as much, but every now and then, I need to work." It was the adrenaline rush. It was the rage that swirled too dose to the surface that was never going to go completely away. He hoped he wouldn't need it as much, but he knew he'd never be utterly free of his demons, and if Maia was going to agree to be in his life, he needed both Jase and her to know he would have times he couldn't help but leave them.

"You have money. You can have my money," Jase burst out.

"That's not what he means," Maia said gently. "He means when things are really bad tor him, working undercover is a way of sorting it out."

Jase just stared at her, hurt and fear mingling together in his eyes.

"Like you pounding the bag," she added. "He goes undercover and becomes someone else for a while.

Does that make sense?"

Cole wanted to protest, but she was right It was a world he was familiar with. lies and deceit and never getting too dose. A world of violence, where explosive rage often had a legitimate target He was going to lose here. He could see the handwriting on the wall, and it was killing him.

Jase subsided, shrinking back into the chair, making himself very small as he turned to Cole. "Are you planning on putting me in a boarding school so you can go back to the drug enforcement work?"

"No! Absolutely not. Why would you think that Jase? I want you to attend a regular school, but not a boarding school." Cole shoved both hands through his hair. "This is crazy. My work has nothing to do with you going to school. If I have to leave on an a.s.signment, I'll have someone who you trust stay here with you. Someone I trust that we're both comfortable with. I'm not going anywhere until that happens."

Jase took the ice packs off his hands and grabbed a handful of cookies. "Well, I'm not going to worry about it then. It's not like we have anyone else."

"I told you, we're getting a housekeeper. I just haven't found one yet." There was a warning note in Cole's voice.

Jase shrugged. "You scare everyone, Cole. I don't have to worry about anyone coming here to work in the house unless she's after your money."

Maia hastily covered her mouth with her hand and looked away from them. They sounded more and more like brothers every day.

"Don't encourage him, Maia," Cole said.

She didn't even wince at the hard edge to his voice. Her smothered laughter rang out from behind her hand before she could stop it. "I'm sorry, really I am, but you so deserved that one. You need to practice smiling in the mirror, Cole. It will help you win over the ladies."

"He doesn't have to smile at women," Jase reminded with a wicked grin.

"Put the ice packs back on your hands and stop eating so many cookies," Cole said. He reached under the coffee table and pulled out a small object. "Here's your Christmas present." His voice turned gruff and it embarra.s.sed him, but he persisted with a dogged determination. "I don't know exactly how this is done, and I didn't wrap it, but I made this for you, Jase." His fingers remained wrapped around it, concealing the object. "You know I'll get you something nice from town once we can get out of here, but I wanted you to have something on Christmas morning."

"Let me see it," Jase said eagerly, holding out his swollen hand.

Cole placed the wood carving in his brother's hand. A snarling mountain lion was crouched protectively over a small alligator. The carving was intricate, each curve and line smooth and etched deep so that the figures seemed to be alive. Jase turned it over and saw the date carved into the bottom.

"It's the two of you, isn't it?" Maia asked, taking the carving out of Jase's hand to stroke her finger down the cat's back. "You and Jase. That's what it represents."

"It's all of us," Jase corrected. "You, me, my mom, and Cole."

Maia handed the carving back to him. "It's beautiful, Cole. You're an unbelievable artist. I had no idea."

"It looks so real," Jase said. "Thanks, Cole."

Cole let his breath out slowly, a small smile somewhere inside of him. Jase understood what he was trying to say with the carving, and more than anything else, that mattered.

"I have something for you too, Jase," Maia said. "It's not nearly as nice as what Cole made for you, but you might be able to use it" She pulled a book out from under the cushions of the couch. "It's a book on animal behavior. I learned a lot from it, and as you can see, it's been well used, but I thought if you were really interested in becoming a vet, you'd enjoy it."

Cole put his arms around Maia. He'd never heard her sound quite so vulnerable, her words spilling out too fast. The book had to have meant a great deal to her, and she wanted Jase to feel the same way.

Jase opened it, read what she had written, and smiled. "We did share a journey, didn't we, Maia? Look at this, Cole. Maia's mother gave this to her."

"I was about ten," she admitted. "All I could think about were animals. My poor parents had to put up with me constantly bringing home hurt things."

"You still do that," Cole said, "or maybe they just gravitate to you."

"Thanks, Maia." Jase nudged his brother.

"Jase and I have a present for you," Cole said. He pulled an envelope from his pocket and held it out to her.

Maia opened the seal slowly and took out the card. She blinked several times trying to make sense of the lettering. "I don't understand." Her heart was pounding out of control. She swallowed several times, before raising her gaze to Cole's.

"You own the clinic," Jase said eagerly. "It belongs to you. You don't have to go away now."

Cole gazed at her steadily, not blinking or looking away, compelling her toward the unknown. Maia blinked rapidly to break the spell. He was so deep inside of her she could hardly breathe without him.

The feeling was too strong, too fast, and she didn't entirely trust it.

"But I can't take this. I can't possibly accept this." Maia shoved the card back into Cole's hand. "You know I won't, Cole."

"You have to accept it," Jase said. "If you don't, you'll ruin the rest of it."

"The rest of what? There can't possibly be anything more. Are you two crazy? You can't go buying a clinic for me. I love you both dearly for the gesture, but I'm not going to accept it."

Cole sat there, staring into her eyes, his face hard and etched with lines of suffering. "The part where we ask you to stay. The part where I ask you to marry me."

Her heart sounded like thunder in her ears. For a moment she thought she might actually faint. He looked so alone, so prepared for her refusal of him that she ached with a need to give herself to him. She didn't dare look at Jase, but she knew he would have a similar expression of need on his face.

"Why, Cole?" She moistened dry lips with the tip of her tongue. "So when you need to go away you'll have someone you trust here with Jase?" It didn't matter that she loved him so much. She couldn't live with him knowing he didn't return her feelings. She knew she could love Jase always, be a good mother or sister and friend to him, but she didn't want to be a convenience. She had far more respect for herself than that.

Cole groaned inwardly. He should have known it would look like that to her. Maybe it was part of it, maybe it was all wrapped up in needs and hunger and longing for a home and a family. He took her hand, his rough fingers sliding over her soft skin, his thumb caressing her ring finger. "I don't want to be without you."

"How can you possibly know whether you do or you don't, Cole?" Maia was going to cry. She hated crying, and her reaction was generally to strike out at whoever managed to cause the tears.

Cole felt her trembling. "I know because I know the difference between living in h.e.l.l, and being alive in paradise. I don't want to lose what you've given me. Ifeel all the time when I'm with you. The entire range of emotions. Happiness, sadness, exasperation, even anger. All of it. I've never had that before. I want you to be happy, Maia. I watch every single expression that crosses your face. I watch you with Jase, with the animals. I think about you day and night. I want to go to bed at night with you beside me, and I want to wake up with you in my arms. I've never felt that way about anything or anyone before."

"You can't leave us, Maia," Jase burst out.

"Jase needs you almost as much as I do," Cole added, feeling on the verge of desperation. She was bunking back tears, and he had the feeling she was going to pull away from him at any moment. He slid a ring from his pocket, a circle of brilliant diamonds to slide on her ring finger. "Jase found the perfect Christmas present for me, and gave it to me ahead of time. I want to give it to you."

"Cole," she warned, shaking her head, looking down at the ring. She'd never seen anything like it, and it had to be worth a fortune. "Where in the world did you get this, Jase?"

"It was in the box with my mother's things," Jase said in a low voice.

"Oh, my G.o.d, you cannot give this to me. You have to keep it for the woman you marry," Maia said, turning her head to look at him.

It was a mistake. The boy had tears in his eyes. He immediately reached out, putting his hand over hers and Cole's. "I gave it to Cole because it was all I had to give him. He needs you. He's different around you. Relaxed and happy, and he smiles. I'd never seen him smile until you came to be with us. And I need you too. Don't leave us, Maia."

She took a deep breath. It was overwhelming to be caught between the two of them, their dark secrets and their dawning hope. "There's more to being married and relationships than need. If I stayed, and it wasn't right, eventually it would all fall apart. You both know that." She wanted love. She deserved love.

As much as she loved them both, she would not be cheated.

"Maia." Cole caught her chin and forced her to look at him. "I'll be the first to admit I don't have a lot of pretty words to make this right. I don't know the first thing about how to tell a woman she's my entire world, but that's what you are to me. You're not someone I want as a housekeeper for Jase, but if I could choose a woman to be a mother figure, a sister, a friend for him, then it would be you."

"What do you want for yourself?"

"I want a woman who loves me in spite of all my failings. A woman who understands when I have nightmares and do things she might be afraid of. I want you, Maia. I don't even know when I fell in love with you. I just know that I am in love with you."

For a moment she could hardly believe he'd said the words. She'd wanted to hear them so badly, she was afraid it was a trick of her imagination. The wild pounding in her heart began to subside and she could feel peace stealing into her. "Funny thing, Steele," she said, "I feelexactly the same way about you."

Cole sat in shocked silence, afraid to move or speak. Afraid of breaking the spell. Someone, a long time ago, told him miracles happened on Christmas. He was terrified of believing it.

"I'm very much in love with you."

Jase hissed out a breath between his teeth. "You two are making me want to pull out my hair! Cole, you should have told her you loved her right away. Maia just say yes, so I can breathe again. I'm having an asthma attack and trying not to die while you two figure it out."

"Yes," Maia said.

Cole dragged her into his arms and kissed her. She fit there, fit him. Understood him. He had no idea how it had happened, but the how and why didn't matter, only that she loved him.