The School for Scandal Part 5

SIR PETER. What's that pray?

LADY TEAZLE. Your widow.--

SIR PETER. Thank you Madam--but don't flatter yourself for though your ill-conduct may disturb my Peace it shall never break my Heart I promise you--however I am equally obliged to you for the Hint.

LADY TEAZLE. Then why will you endeavour to make yourself so disagreeable to me--and thwart me in every little elegant expense.

SIR PETER. 'Slife--Madam I pray, had you any of these elegant expenses when you married me?

LADY TEAZLE. Lud Sir Peter would you have me be out of the Fashion?

SIR PETER. The Fashion indeed!--what had you to do with the Fashion before you married me?

LADY TEAZLE. For my Part--I should think you would like to have your wife thought a woman of Taste--

SIR PETER. Aye there again--Taste! Zounds Madam you had no Taste when you married me--

LADY TEAZLE. That's very true indeed Sir Peter! after having married you I should never pretend to Taste again I allow.

SIR PETER. So--so then--Madam--if these are your Sentiments pray how came I to be honour'd with your Hand?

LADY TEAZLE. Shall I tell you the Truth?

SIR PETER. If it's not too great a Favour.

LADY TEAZLE. Why the Fact is I was tired of all those agreeable Recreations which you have so good naturally [naturedly] Described-- and having a Spirit to spend and enjoy a Fortune--I determined to marry the first rich man that would have me.

SIR PETER. A very honest confession--truly--but pray madam was there no one else you might have tried to ensnare but me.

LADY TEAZLE. O lud--I drew my net at several but you were the only one I could catch.

SIR PETER. This is plain dealing indeed--

LADY TEAZLE. But now Sir Peter if we have finish'd our daily Jangle I presume I may go to my engagement at Lady Sneerwell's?

SIR PETER. Aye--there's another Precious circ.u.mstance--a charming set of acquaintance--you have made there!

LADY TEAZLE. Nay Sir Peter they are People of Rank and Fortune-- and remarkably tenacious of reputation.

SIR PETER. Yes egad they are tenacious of Reputation with a vengeance, for they don't chuse anybody should have a Character but themselves! Such a crew! Ah! many a wretch has rid on hurdles who has done less mischief than these utterers of forged Tales, coiners of Scandal, and clippers of Reputation.

LADY TEAZLE. What would you restrain the freedom of speech?

SIR PETER. Aye they have made you just as bad [as] any one of the Society.

LADY TEAZLE. Why--I believe I do bear a Part with a tolerable Grace-- But I vow I bear no malice against the People I abuse, when I say an ill-natured thing, 'tis out of pure Good Humour--and I take it for granted they deal exactly in the same manner with me, but Sir Peter you know you promised to come to Lady Sneerwell's too.

SIR PETER. Well well I'll call in, just to look after my own character.

LADY TEAZLE. Then, indeed, you must make Haste after me, or you'll be too late--so good bye to ye.

SIR PETER. So--I have gain'd much by my intended expostulation-- yet with what a charming air she contradicts every thing I say-- and how pleasingly she shows her contempt of my authority--Well tho' I can't make her love me, there is certainly a great satisfaction in quarrelling with her; and I think she never appears to such advantage as when she is doing everything in her Power to plague me.

[Exit.]

SCENE II.--At LADY SNEERWELL'S

LADY SNEERWELL, MRS. CANDOUR, CRABTREE, SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE, and SURFACE

LADY SNEERWELL. Nay, positively, we will hear it.

SURFACE. Yes--yes the Epigram by all means.

SiR BENJAMIN. O plague on't unkle--'tis mere nonsense--

CRABTREE. No no; 'fore gad very clever for an extempore!

SIR BENJAMIN. But ladies you should be acquainted with the circ.u.mstances. You must know that one day last week as Lady Betty Curricle was taking the Dust in High Park, in a sort of duodecimo Phaeton--she desired me to write some verses on her Ponies--upon which I took out my Pocket-Book-- and in one moment produced--the following:--

'Sure never were seen two such beautiful Ponies; Other Horses are Clowns--and these macaronies, Nay to give 'em this t.i.tle, I'm sure isn't wrong, Their Legs are so slim--and their Tails are so long.

CRABTREE. There Ladies--done in the smack of a whip and on Horseback too.

SURFACE. A very Phoebus, mounted--indeed Sir Benjamin.

SIR BENJAMIN. Oh dear Sir--Trifles--Trifles.

Enter LADY TEAZLE and MARIA

MRS. CANDOUR. I must have a Copy--

LADY SNEERWELL. Lady Teazle--I hope we shall see Sir Peter?

LADY TEAZLE. I believe He'll wait on your Ladyship presently.

LADY SNEERWELL. Maria my love you look grave. Come, you sit down to Piquet with Mr. Surface.

MARIA. I take very little Pleasure in cards--however, I'll do as you Please.

LADY TEAZLE. I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit down her-- I thought He would have embraced this opportunity of speaking to me before Sir Peter came--[Aside.]

MRS. CANDOUR. Now, I'll die but you are so scandalous I'll forswear your society.

LADY TEAZLE. What's the matter, Mrs. Candour?

MRS. CANDOUR. They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermillion to be handsome.

LADY SNEERWELL. Oh, surely she is a pretty woman. . . .