The School for Scandal Part 3

CRABTREE. Yes and they say there were pressing reasons for't.

MRS. CANDOUR. It cannot be--and I wonder any one should believe such a story of so prudent a Lady as Miss Nicely.

SIR BENJAMIN. O Lud! ma'am, that's the very reason 'twas believed at once. She has always been so cautious and so reserved, that everybody was sure there was some reason for it at bottom.

LADY SNEERWELL. Yes a Tale of Scandal is as fatal to the Reputation of a prudent Lady of her stamp as a Fever is generally to those of the strongest Const.i.tutions, but there is a sort of puny sickly Reputation, that is always ailing yet will outlive the robuster characters of a hundred Prudes.

SIR BENJAMIN. True Madam there are Valetudinarians in Reputation as well as const.i.tution--who being conscious of their weak Part, avoid the least breath of air, and supply their want of Stamina by care and circ.u.mspection--

MRS. CANDOUR. Well but this may be all mistake--You know, Sir Benjamin very trifling circ.u.mstances often give rise to the most injurious Tales.

CRABTREE. That they do I'll be sworn Ma'am--did you ever hear how Miss Shepherd came to lose her Lover and her Character last summer at Tunbridge--Sir Benjamin you remember it--

SIR BENJAMIN. O to be sure the most whimsical circ.u.mstance--

LADY SNEERWELL. How was it Pray--

CRABTREE. Why one evening at Mrs. Ponto's a.s.sembly--the conversation happened to turn on the difficulty of breeding Nova-Scotia Sheep in this country--says a young Lady in company[, "]I have known instances of it[--]for Miss Let.i.tia Shepherd, a first cousin of mine, had a Nova-Scotia Sheep that produced her Twins.["--"]What!["] cries the old Dowager Lady Dundizzy (who you know is as deaf as a Post), ["]has Miss Let.i.tia Shepherd had twins["]--This Mistake--as you may imagine, threw the whole company into a fit of Laughing--However 'twas the next morning everywhere reported and in a few Days believed by the whole Town, that Miss Let.i.tia Shepherd had actually been brought to Bed of a fine Boy and Girl--and in less than a week there were People who could name the Father, and the Farm House where the Babies were put out to Nurse.

LADY SNEERWELL. Strange indeed!

CRABTREE. Matter of Fact, I a.s.sure you--O Lud! Mr. Surface pray is it true that your uncle Sir Oliver is coming home--

SURFACE. Not that I know of indeed Sir.

CRABTREE. He has been in the East Indies a long time--you can scarcely remember him--I believe--sad comfort on his arrival to hear how your Brother has gone on!

SURFACE. Charles has been imprudent Sir to be sure[;] but I hope no Busy people have already prejudiced Sir Oliver against him-- He may reform--

SIR BENJAMIN. To be sure He may--for my Part I never believed him to be so utterly void of Principle as People say--and tho'

he has lost all his Friends I am told n.o.body is better spoken of-- by the Jews.

CRABTREE. That's true egad nephew--if the Old Jewry was a Ward I believe Charles would be an alderman--no man more popular there, 'fore Gad I hear He pays as many annuities as the Irish Tontine and that whenever He's sick they have Prayers for the recovery of his Health in the synagogue--

SIR BENJAMIN. Yet no man lives in greater Splendour:--they tell me when He entertains his Friends--He can sit down to dinner with a dozen of his own Securities, have a score Tradesmen waiting in the Anti-Chamber, and an officer behind every guest's Chair.

SURFACE. This may be entertainment to you Gentlemen but you pay very little regard to the Feelings of a Brother.

MARIA. Their malice is intolerable--Lady Sneerwell I must wish you a good morning--I'm not very well.

[Exit MARIA.]

MRS. CANDOUR. O dear she chang'd colour very much!

LADY SNEERWELL. Do Mrs. Candour follow her--she may want a.s.sistance.

MRS. CANDOUR. That I will with all my soul ma'am.--Poor dear Girl-- who knows--what her situation may be!

[Exit MRS. CANDOUR.]

LADY SNEERWELL. 'Twas nothing but that she could not bear to hear Charles reflected on notwithstanding their difference.

SIR BENJAMIN. The young Lady's Penchant is obvious.

CRABTREE. But Benjamin--you mustn't give up the Pursuit for that-- follow her and put her into good humour--repeat her some of your verses--come, I'll a.s.sist you--

SIR BENJAMIN. Mr. Surface I did not mean to hurt you--but depend on't your Brother is utterly undone-- [Going.]

CRABTREE. O Lud! aye--undone--as ever man was--can't raise a guinea.

SIR BENJAMIN. And everything sold--I'm told--that was movable-- [Going.]

CRABTREE. I was at his house--not a thing left but some empty Bottles that were overlooked and the Family Pictures, which I believe are framed in the Wainscot.

[Going.]

SIR BENJAMIN. And I'm very sorry to hear also some bad stories against him.

[Going.]

CRABTREE. O He has done many mean things--that's certain!

SIR BENJAMIN. But however as He is your Brother---- [Going.]

CRABTREE. We'll tell you all another opportunity.

[Exeunt.]

LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! 'tis very hard for them to leave a subject they have not quite run down.

SURFACE. And I believe the Abuse was no more acceptable to your Ladyship than Maria.

LADY SNEERWELL. I doubt her Affections are farther engaged than we imagin'd but the Family are to be here this Evening so you may as well dine where you are and we shall have an opportunity of observing farther--in the meantime, I'll go and plot Mischief and you shall study Sentiments.

[Exeunt.]

SCENE II.--SIR PETER'S House

Enter SIR PETER

SIR PETER. When an old Bachelor takes a young Wife--what is He to expect--'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle made me the happiest of men--and I have been the most miserable Dog ever since that ever committed wedlock. We tift a little going to church--and came to a Quarrel before the Bells had done ringing--I was more than once nearly chok'd with gall during the Honeymoon--and had lost all comfort in Life before my Friends had done wishing me Joy--yet I chose with caution--a girl bred wholly in the country--who never knew luxury beyond one silk gown--nor dissipation above the annual Gala of a Race-Ball--Yet she now plays her Part in all the extravagant Fopperies of the Fashion and the Town, with as ready a Grace as if she had never seen a Bush nor a gra.s.s Plot out of Grosvenor-Square! I am sneered at by my old acquaintance--paragraphed--in the news Papers-- She dissipates my Fortune, and contradicts all my Humours-- yet the worst of it is I doubt I love her or I should never bear all this. However I'll never be weak enough to own it.

Enter ROWLEY

ROWLEY. Sir Peter, your servant:--how is 't with you Sir--

SIR PETER. Very bad--Master Rowley--very bad[.] I meet with nothing but crosses and vexations--

ROWLEY. What can have happened to trouble you since yesterday?

SIR PETER. A good--question to a married man--

ROWLEY. Nay I'm sure your Lady Sir Peter can't be the cause of your uneasiness.