The Ruby Riot Series: Box Set Part 109

This is exhausting me too. My addiction to s.e.x with Nate has me paying babysitters so Mum doesn't judge or refuse, and sneaking off for late nights with Nate before stumbling home in the early hours. Tonight is my "official" night off when Mum babysits, but I'm hesitant to stay with Nate overnight and face questions later.

An evening in bed with Nate is usual, but now the time spent isn't the physical level we told ourselves it would be. Some evenings, we curl up together and chat about the world existing beyond the borders of the band and my job, or we mock each other's taste in movies and fight over who chooses what we watch. Gradually the life in Yorkshire catches up; covering this Nate and Riley with the peace we created together. Three weeks in and what began as once a week is now five days out of seven. And what we told ourselves would be a month of casual s.e.x is becoming more.

The evening ends in Nate's bed, with the usual weird silence that should be more awkward than it is.

"What time is it?" I ask and roll onto my side to grab the nearest phone. Midnight. "I should go."

Nate grabs my arm as I make to get out of the bed. "Why? Stay."

"I don't know..."

"I've seen what you look like in the morning, if that's what you're worried about." He grins at me.

"Like I care." I muss my hair up so it hangs in my face, and Nate laughs.

"Don't girls like the waking-up cuddling and c.r.a.p like that?"

"I do. But-"

"But you always have to leave." Nate flops back and looks up at the ceiling. "Is it just me you're scared of getting close to, or anybody?"

I ignore him and pull on his discarded shirt. "I need a drink. Want anything from the kitchen before I go?"

He stares at the ceiling. "Beer."

I stand in Nate's small kitchen and hold in tears. I want this. I want him. But this pretence will never make the transition to reality. I fill a gla.s.s with water, and a tear escapes. I scrub it away and open a beer for Nate, aware of the weird pattern of domesticity we're falling into. Why the h.e.l.l did I start something that will destroy me when it finishes?

Nate hasn't moved from his position on the bed, the blue sheet moulding around his hips and chest. "For you." I pa.s.s him the beer.

"I was engaged once."

His words come from nowhere as I drink, and I swallow the mouthful before my incredulity sends the water spraying over him.

"You were? You kept that quiet. When?"

"Not recently."

The girl. "What happened?"

"I didn't get married."

"Oh." Does Nate want me to ask more? To tell me more?

He lets out a soft laugh. "I told you once before. n.o.body else knows, and you forgot, which is f.u.c.king hilarious. My second biggest secret and you were asleep when I told you."

"Doesn't Will know?"

"No. n.o.body."

I sit on the bed. "Why are you telling me?"

"Dunno. Maybe so you know I'm not a heartless b.a.s.t.a.r.d incapable of a relationship." He grips the beer; doesn't move or drink.

"Okay..."

"How about you?" He tips his head around and traps me in the intensity I've seen once, maybe twice, before. Nate's decision to share this with me is almost as big a shock as him telling me I already knew.

"I've never been engaged. Never really had a proper relationship. I told you, too busy."

"Hmm." He places his beer on the table next to the bed. "So what's your secret? Because I reckon you have one."

My scalp p.r.i.c.kles. "None. I'm just a highly-strung commitment phobe."

"Ha." Nate props himself up on one elbow and looks at me. "We're a good match."

Yeah, because a relationship between two people scared of commitment due to past experiences is really going to end well.

"What are you trying to say, Nate?"

"We're pretending this is just s.e.x, aren't we?"

What I see in Nate's eyes recently is a world from the distant, hard look from weeks ago; and usually, if I catch glimpses of the open Nate, he always looks away. But this time the eyes fixed on mine search for answers.

"I think we always were," I say and touch his face. "Easier to say this is about s.e.x and nothing else than admit we could be more."

"You think I feel more?"

"We both do. We hated each other. That's an emotion, and we've redirected it. That can't be replaced with nothing."

Nate kisses me, sliding his lips against mine, and my pulse hikes. Are we finally doing this? "Do you want more from this? Make things complicated."

"Since when was s.e.x uncomplicated between two people who feel more about each other?" I whisper.

I wait for Nate to look away, to move from me, and push away what we both repress, but he doesn't. "I want you. Us. You do too, or I wouldn't say this."

I've been physically close to Nate over and over the last few weeks, looked into his eyes and seen glimpses of this; inadvertently shared the same. That time in the snow, we fell into a place we struggle to pretend doesn't exist.

"Same," I say. "I'd like to give this a go. I want the world to know about us, to know I'm not something you're trying to hide."

Nate traces a finger across my lips. "I want guys to know you're mine and to keep away."

Uh. Not good. "Where has this come from, Nate? Is this about the other day? About Mitch.e.l.l?"

Nate's jaw clenches. "I don't like compet.i.tion."

Wow. "Is this possessiveness or jealousy, Nate? Neither is okay."

He places his lips gently on mine and breathes in, inhaling me, his eyes closed. "I can't help how watching you with him made me feel."

"Not used to girls paying attention to other guys?" I ask.

He laughs and switches to kissing my face, light, ticklish kisses. "I'm in a band with two other guys, of course I am. But this time, it's different."

I move my head and look into the intense green eyes. "What happens now?"

Nate winds my long hair around his hands. "We skipped a stage, Riley, The one we started two years ago. Let's go back there."

My heart somersaults in my chest, at how good and how bad his suggestion is. At how much I want him and how much I can't have this.

"That means letting everybody know about us."

Nate rolls back over and drags me onto him. "Yeah."

"Wow. Okay."

"I'm in if you are. If nothing else it'll be f.u.c.king hilarious to see their faces."

I run my hands across his naked chest. I have this part of Nate, the uncomplicated part. But how can two people so similar who choose to spend this much time together remain uncomplicated?"

"C'mon. Admit it. You want to do this."

Yes. A million times, yes, but equally no. If I let go of control here, I'm forced to change everything. Tell everything. But what choice do I have? My heart isn't interested in logic. "You're right. Let's do this to shock them."

We've touched on something we swore we'd never allow or talk about, the intimacy Nate shares with his kisses and the story we tell each other with lips and hands. This is what we want, but we've a long way to go before we say anything to leave ourselves vulnerable.

"Where?" I ask. "When?"

"Jax and Tegan bought a new place. They're having a housewarming."

"Tegan invited me, and I said no."

"Why?"

I sigh. "Why do you think, Nate?"

"We go together. Simple."

"Throw me to the wolves, why don't you?" I mutter.

Nate smiles and runs both hands along my thighs as he looks up at me. "It's fine; there'll be a lot of people there. Tegan loves her big parties."

"But still..."

"How else do you want to do it? Take everybody out for a drink and make an announcement?"

I pull a face. No. "And what do we say when we get there?"

"What do you want to say?"

"Up to you."

Nate c.o.c.ks a brow. "Don't leave the talking to me."

"Very true." How can I put this into words without sounding too intense? "I'll tell them I beat Nate Campbell into submission?"

A smile tugs at his mouth. "And I'll tell them I gave Riley Sawyer what she wanted?" I slap his chest and he grabs my wrist. "Tell them we're together, Riley. Simple."

Simple.

"So now you know you're mine, you can stay here tonight." He spins me over, pinioning me. "You know I can be very persuasive."

I lose myself in Nate, in us, and the realisation my life will change. Whether this works with Nate or not, my secret won't stay hidden. I won't be the Riley everybody knows anymore. Including Nate.

26.

RILEY.

Nate's words cycle around my head all the following day. I wait for a text or call, the paranoia he'll change his mind following me the next day. He doesn't contact me , not unusual as we don't speak every day, but the decision we made took our relationship to another level and we need to talk about this in the light of day.

I'm on the train, heading home, when my phone pings with a message from Nate: I clutch the phone, and the woman opposite me glances up from her phone. I straighten my smiling face. Did I just make an excited noise?

<@ the="" house=""> I wait but no new message appears. Even with his texts, Nate is aloof. I shake my head and tuck the phone away. That's as close to organising a date we get, I suppose.

Date. Relationship. The reality is allowed to take over my fears now. Nate and Riley in public together as a couple.

I now have a day to get used to the idea and figure out how to tell Nate about Josh. My optimism sinks and the familiar circling confusion starts. Should I tell Nate before the party? If he ends things when I do, the humiliation will be greater if we've announced our relationship. But I never tell a guy I'm dating that I'm a single mum apart from once and that was a mistake. Why should I break the pattern with Nate?

Josh is staying at Mum's for the night, fortunately, because she wants to take him somewhere for the day, and not because I asked her to. Lauren, Josh's childminder, and one of my handful of friends, arrives on my doorstep with a bottle of wine. This ritual used to be weekly, but recently we cut back to monthly as life over the school holidays took over. Her curly brown hair falls across her shoulders, pursed lips on her pretty face.

"What's wrong?" she asks. "You look like I've brought you a dead dog not a bottle of sav blanc."

"No, sorry. I forgot you were coming over. I should've told you I was going out tonight."

Lauren looks me up and down. "I was going to ask. Somewhere special with a guy?"

"A party."

"With a guy?" Lauren gestures the shortness of my blue dress and lower cut than usual neckline. "Or hoping to catch one?"